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Isak couldn’t sleep. It wasn’t anything new; in fact it was mind numbingly familiar.
It was gone 3AM on a Wednesday morning and they both had early morning lectures to attend, so Isak was trying his best not to wake Even up too. After all: there was no reason for both of them to suffer. So Isak lay in bed, past the point of trying to fall asleep, just trying to pass the quiet hours until the birds starting chirping and the sun reappeared.
So far he has watched Even sleep, tried to think of a new way to connect the spread of freckles over his boyfriend’s back, checked his phone (and tagged a few people in some relatable memes), checked Apple music for some new music, went over his homework list to be sure he had done everything, and started a shopping list for their next food shop.
Basically: Isak was going out of his mind with boredom.
He wanted to be asleep. He wanted it more than anything, but there he was considering checking their spice rack to see if anything needed to be replaced.
When he watched 4AM tick into being he finally gave up his last shred of hope of getting back to sleep. Carefully – very, very carefully – he eased out of be and tucked the covers back over Even so he didn’t get cold. Isak wasn’t really sure what his plan was, but he knew that he couldn’t lie mindlessly in bed next to his sleeping boyfriend any more.
He padded into the kitchen and made himself some hot juice (he wasn’t about to have caffeine; he might yet manage a little nap somewhere) using the hot water tap because it was way quieter than boiling the kettle. Once he had his drink he slipped back past the bed and sat down in one of the collapsible chairs they had on their balcony.
He lost track of how long he sat there watching pale clouds trail across an inky sky and tracing constellations with his fingertip in the air. Eventually he was aware of the world beginning to lighten for another day, and his head ached unhappily with the knowledge that he was really going to have to face his day with absolutely zero sleep.
It almost made him want to cry, but a gravelly voice startled him out of it.
“Hey.” Even’s fingers appeared in hair and Isak leaned back into them.
“Bit early for you to be up.” Isak noted.
“I woke up and you weren’t there.” Even frowned. That wasn’t exactly unusual, Isak thought, considering that when Even wasn’t in the midst of a depressive episode he usually woke up pretty much as soon as it got light out. “Did you sleep at all?” Even peered down at him and Isak tilted his head back so Even could see his face.
The defeated look there must have told Even everything he needed to know because his face softened with sympathy. His face was flushed from sleep and creased from how he had lain on their sheets, and usually Isak would find that adorable but right then it just made his stomach burn with jealousy.
He wanted to be soft and warm with Even, but instead he was heavy and actually kind of cold. Even seemed to realise that and he stood in front of Isak with his hand offered.
“Wanna dance?” He murmured, his eyes roaming over Isak’s face.
“I’m tired, Ev.” He groused. He really wasn’t in the mood for Even’s romantic dance in the rising sunlight nonsense.
“Of course you’re tired. I’m just giving you the chance for some cuddles and soothing movement.” And okay, it did sound better when he said it like that. With a dramatic sigh – because Isak had a reputation to think of; he couldn’t have Even knowing how soft he really was – Isak took his boyfriend’s hand and allowed himself to be pulled onto his feet.
Even pulled him in close, one arm around Isak waist and his other hand cupping the back of Isak’s aching head, and Isak melted against him willingly. He rested his head warily against Even’s collarbone and tried to let his sleepy warmth seep into his bones. A soft blanket was being draped over his shoulders and pulled close around him and Isak hadn’t even seen Even bring a blanket outside.
“I’m sorry you couldn’t sleep.” Even whispered into his hair before planting a soft kiss there.
“Not your fault.” Isak mumbled, his eyes falling shut tiredly at the slow swaying motion Even had set.
“Do you want me to email your professors?” Even offered as he slowly danced them back inside into the warmth.
“Can’t skip every time my insomnia plays up.” Isak sighed into the hollow of Even’s throat. He wished he could take Even up on that offer; have Even tell his professors he has a medical issue that means he needs to miss today’s lectures and spend the day catching up on sleep, but he doesn’t want to be that student always taking time off.
Isak has struggled through classes before and he can do it again, even if he would rather be in bed.
“If you’re sure, baby.” Even sighed. They’d had this conversation a thousand times and he knew when he wasn’t going to win.
“Thanks though.” Isak buried his face into the warmth of Even’s neck, and the aching in his head began to subside.
“What can I do?” Even scraped his fingers slowly and soothingly over Isak’s scalp as he rocked Isak tenderly from side to side and it was absolutely heavenly.
“Just keep doing what you’re doing.” Isak whispered sleepily, reluctant to burst the intimate little bubble Even had made for them. Isak was pretty sure he heard Even breathe an almost inaudible “anything” against the top of his head, but he was too tired to ask Even if he’d said anything.
It wasn’t like getting a full eight hours of sleep – nowhere near – but Isak was pretty sure he dozed on and off against Even’s shoulder as he swayed them back and forth in the early morning light that filtered into their bedroom. When he was less tired he’d probably feel embarrassed about pretty much asking Even to rock him to sleep like an infant, but right then Isak felt safer and more loved than he think he had ever felt before.
It might not have been much, but it took the edge off his exhaustion.
For that, Isak was grateful.