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Anna thought it would be easy, but she had never been this nervous in her life. The fact they'd been able to keep their relationship a secret for this long was a miracle. She knew tabloids would tear into their relationship, she knew she might lose contracts and business deals. But if Masami could put her life in danger and into the spotlight for the sake of their relationship, it was the least she could do.
“Miss Suehiro, you're on in fifteen minutes!”
“Thank you.” She stood up, took a deep breath, rehearsed the lines in her head. She knew Masami would be at home with Mako. She thanked the other girl, grateful for her being there with Masami as she made the announcement on live television.
Masami had been living in Tokyo for a two months, but now the boxes were packed, furniture sold from her old place. Anna would be leaving the interview, pushing through ravenous paparazzi, leaving her life of fame to a quiet apartment to unpack as they moved in together. The contrast would be startling, but Anna was looking forward to it. She stepped out of the room and waited patiently backstage for her name to be called.
Suddenly, she was filled with second thoughts. Akari Yamamoto hosted the most watched talk show in Japan! What the hell was she thinking?! She'd be telling the entire country about the two of them, and then what?!
But when the most famous TV host in all Japan calls out your name, you can't ignore them.
---
“You obviously want to be on the show for more than publicity. What’s the news?”
Ms. Yamamoto was a bit more matter of fact than Anna had expected when she had been invited for a pre-show coffee the week before. She thought it was common courtesy, get to know the guest, make some initial chemistry, that sort of thing. She had not realized she’d be expected to spill everything in the first minute.
“W-Why do you think I have news to share? Couldn’t I just want to be on a show for once?”
Ms. Yamamoto gave a small chuckle. “Ms. Suehiro, don’t play me for a fool. I do research on my guests, and you've never accepted requests for interviews before. Now you’re asking to be on a show? Something big is happening, and I’d love to be a part of it. So what’s the scoop?”
Anna stared, reassured by her honesty and willing to help but scared at what she was about to say. “Well, I, um… I’m dating... someone.”
Ms. Yamamoto stared back at her, her gaze unflinching. “Is that all? Go tell it to the tabs, they’ll eat that up. I don’t need to waste airtime for some sweet little confession over your newest boyf-”
“She’s not a boy!” Anna shouted, ready to defend Masami at a moment's notice, but turned bright red as she noticed the stares from the surrounding patrons. She ducked her head closer to Ms. Yamamoto’s and tensely whispered, “She’s not a boy. She’s a girl. A… transgender girl. And she wants me to come out and talk about us.”
Anna began to get chills under Ms. Yamamoto’s unending stare. When Ms. Yamamoto gave her a genuine smile, she let out a breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding. “Now that is a story I’d like to dig into. This may come as a bit of a surprise to you, but—I haven’t always walked the straight and narrow path, if you catch my drift. I’d be happy to help you and your girlfriend. And don’t worry about producers or anything. I’m Akari Yamamoto! The most famous TV personality in the country! I have my ways to work around those sticklers.”
Anna stared at the lady in disbelief, then grabbed her hand, tears coming to her eyes. “Thank you, Ms. Yamamoto! Thank you, thank you, thank you!”
Ms. Yamamoto took her hand and smiled. “My pleasure. And please, call me Akari.” They shook hands.
“You can call me Anna.”
---
The smile felt unnatural on her face. Anna’s public persona was calm, collected, emotionless. The perfect model. The same on the catwalk as on the streets, chased by paparazzi. They couldn’t read her anger, her sadness, her longing for Masami. And when she left the studio, it would be the same. Still angry, still sad, still longing for a world where this wasn’t scandalous. New news, same Anna.
She sat down across from Akari, nervousness traveling between them as their eyes met. They were both putting their careers on the line, but risk taking was a trait they shared, and it was too late to go back now. The couch was harder than expected, but Anna was thankful. It stopped her from curling in on herself and crying throughout the whole thing. They made some small talk, humored the audience, but her stomach began to drop. She could feel it, looming behind her, growing closer by the second.
“So, Miss Suehiro, I heard there was some big news you wanted to share today, correct?”
The room buzzed with quiet energy, and Anna froze. She could feel the eyes of the world on her, breathing down her back, ready to attack the moment she opened her mouth. She almost considered tiptoeing around the issue and bringing up something normal. Her next fashion line. Her time in Paris.
But she thought of Masami, watching at home, and Mako, who threatened her to follow through. She thought of Maho, who never made it far enough to be successful, who shouted and spat at Masami through the phone when she asked her sister if she wanted to get together, still calling her the dreaded name Masami had hoped to erase. And she knew what she was doing was important, vital, to her and Masami and Mako. It was vital to teaching Maho and the world. And though her stomach was halfway through the earth by now, she knew what she had to say.
“Ms. Yamamoto, I came here today to talk about something very important to me. But first, I have an announcement to make.”
“I'm dating someone.”
The room burst with applause. It was not the reaction Anna was expecting, but she let it die down. Let the audience have their fun. They wouldn’t be cheering much longer. Anna grimaced, but Akari cleared her throat, signaling they were going to continue, so she shoved a fake smile back on her face.
“Congratulations, Miss Suehiro! How long have you been together?”
“A while, actually. We dated on and off during high school, but got back together right before…they graduated highschool.” Anna wasn’t going to make the big reveal yet. But soon. “They just finished college, and we’re about to move in together, so we thought it was time to go public.” Yeah. Public on more than just their relationship. She could hear muttering from the audience. Who was this person? How did they keep it secret for so long? She blocked them out, and turned towards Akari. The women cleared her throat again, and the room fell into an energized buzz once more. Anna could feel the audience leaning in, desperate to hear what else she was going to say.
“So, Miss Suehiro, who is the lucky fellow?”
Here goes nothing.
“It’s not a fellow actually. It’s a girl.”
The silence that followed was deafening. Not a gasp. Anna felt her heart start to quicken, her breath start to waver, but she continued on. “Her name is Masami. Masami Nitori.”
The silence continued to fill the room, but Akari gave Anna a reassuring glance, and continued as if nothing had changed. Anna hadn’t realized how much acting went into talk shows.
“Oh, pardon me. Well, she has a very beautiful name. Where did she go to college?”
And that’s how the show continued. For the next twenty minutes, Akari and Anna had a pleasant conversation about her girlfriend as the audience stared on in confusion. Anna soon forgot their presence in the silence, and, for the first time, was able to talk about her girlfriend out in the open, her degree in gender studies, her Love of baking and how she would send Anna snacks for every holiday, even in the middle of finals. No fear, no misgendering for protection, just a regular talk. It was like meeting an old friend after years apart. It was new. It was nice. It was… normal.
Akari spoke to the camera, reminding people they'd be back after commercials, and the moment the director yelled “Cut!” the audience exploded. Shouts, yells, people shooting out of their seats in anger. Anna quickly made her way backstage for her makeup to be reapplied, but caught glimpse of a furious mother dragging her daughter out the door, the child prodding her mother for answers about a girl liking a girl. Anna momentarily felt bad. That mother had probably bought the tickets as a special gift, a mother-daughter day to see their favorite show. And she had ruined it. It was all a mistake, she never should have said anything, she never should have come ou- No. It’s not her fault. The mother should be teaching her daughter. All she was doing was educating the world, and she wouldn’t apologize for that.
She slipped into her dressing room, but even with the door locked behind her, she could hear voices drifting in through the cracks. She heard producers berating Akari, asking her if she knew the sponsors and viewers they'd lose due to me. Anna forced herself to remain calm as the makeup artist knocked on her locked door and entered for her touch up. Anna tried to recall her name. Hirano, if she remembered correctly.
Before the show had started, the makeup artist had rambling about how honored she was to meet her idol, who she'd been looking at in magazines since age 10. Now, she was silent, barely looking at Anna and refusing to make eye contact. The silent minutes were tense and awkward. At one point, Hirano brushed Anna’s hand while reaching for eyeliner and stiffened, disgusted to have touched her. Anna began to feel miserable. She felt her heart crumpling inside as Hirano finished applying her makeup and ran out of the room. She pulled out her phone to call Masami when she was startled by a knock on the door. “Anna, can I come in? We have a minute until we’re back on.”
It was Akari. Anna took a deep breath, trying to hide the tears about to spring from her eyes. “Come in,” she croaked, but her throat was too tight to speak above a whisper.
Akari opened the door and quietly shut it behind her. She carefully approached Anna, bending down to see her face to face. “Are you doing okay?”
Anna couldn't hold herself in any longer. “I already regret this. The makeup lady flinched when she touched me. Mothers were dragging their children off the set. I’m going to lose my job, but… I can’t disappoint Masami. I’m doing this for her. I need to get back out there.”
“You know, I don't she would blame you if you waited. It's really diff-”
“No!” Anna yelled, standing up and away from the woman's hand. “I need to do this. Not just Masami, but for the world. I need to speak up for all the kids who were like Masami, like… me.” Suddenly, she was sent back, recalling memories she had tried to block out for the last 12 years.
---
She wiped the spit off her face, her mother’s words still ringing in her ears. “No daughter of mine is going to be some kind of dyke, kissing other girls. Disgusting.”
She had tried to defend herself, but her mother’s poisonous words had hit her harder than any slap could.
“What were you thinking? You think any modeling company is gonna hire some fag? Better give up on that then.”
Her mother spat at her, she was acidic saliva burning her cheek as she opened the door and pointed outside. “Get out of this house, and don't come back until you've put some sense into that fucked up head of yours.”
She walked down the alley, letting the shadows wash over her as the setting sun fell behind the building. She had hid her tears, not letting her mom get to her, but now, all the brokenness and guilt washed over her, drowning any sense of control she had maintained. Though her well-rehearsed silence continued, she couldn’t stop the tears. If only she were stronger. If only she had control. If only she had stayed away from-
“Anna?”
She startled, shipping around with eyes wide to face the one person she wanted to see the most and least in the world.
“Fumiko, leave me alone.”
Fumiko stepped towards her friend. “Anna, it's almost dark! It's no time to be lurking in an alley. What's wrong?”
Anna stiffened as Fumiko put a gentle hand on her shoulder. “I said leave me alone, Fumiko. Just go.”
“No! I'm not going to leave my best friend alone when she-”
“JUST GO!” Anna roared, collapsing as her trembling knees finally gave out. She finally let out the flood she had desperately held back even as the leaks poured. She sobbed, loud and messy and everything she tried to hide about herself, as Fumiko knelt down and hugged her. Anna grabbed onto the sleeve of her shirt and refused to let go. She didn't want to lose her friend. Her support. Her love.
As her sobs quieted and became choking breaths, Fumiko continued to sit by her, bathed in the moonlight that had crept up on them. Fumiko slowly began to unwrap her arms, and Anna forced her unwilling hands to let go. Fumiko looked at Anna, who kept her head down. “Anna, you're my best friend. Whatever it is, I will be there for you. I promise.”
Anna finally dared to look up, and the moment their eyes met, she fell in love all over again. Her gentle touch, her beautiful face, the way she snorted when she laughed too hard. The way she was always there for her, no matter what. She could feel butterflies in her stomach, reminding her what this feeling had done to her. When her mom had teased her about a potential crush, she'd blushed, and in her love-struck haze, let loose her biggest secret. Her crush was her best friend. Her crush is what made her get hit, spat at and kicked out. Her crush is what lead her to crying in an alleyway, alone. Her crush is what brought them together. Anna didn't know what her future would be, so she did the one thing she didn't want to leave undone.
She kissed Fumiko.
The kiss lasted only a second, but Anna regretted it the moment Fumiko stepped back. “Anna, what was…?”
Stupid, stupid, stupid!! What was she thinking? Now Fumiko would hate her, and Anna would lose the only good thing left in her life. She fell again, scooting herself towards the entrance of the alley. She tried to stand, but stumbled and fell. Anna’s elbow throbbed, and her sweater stuck to her with blood. She shut her eyes, unable to bring herself to see the disgust she knew was on her friend’s face. “I'm sorry,” she cried, letting her panic take over. “I'm sorry I'm such a freak, I'm sorry I'm a stupid faggot just leave me alone please!”
“Anna, please, I don't…” Fumiko slowly approached the terrified girl, but all Anna could see was a vicious hand, pounding her faces to a bloody pulp like she had read in stories online. Stories that made her promise to herself never to come out. But here she was, outing herself to the two most important people in her life in one night, and she regretted every moment of it. A part of her knew she was being irrational, that Fumiko would never do such a thing, but her anxiety was a stampede, trampling her common sense and sending her running, running and letting Fumiko’s worried voice fade into the distance. Anna felt helpless, felt useless and hopeless. So she did the only thing she knew how to do. She went home. She bandaged her arm and went to bed. And in the morning, neither her nor her mom mentioned a thing. They pretended nothing had happened.
Anna finally blocked Fumiko’s number, after she had over 200 unread texts on phone, and switched schools that fall to avoid facing the truth. She never saw Fumiko again.
Anna pretended she was okay. She pretended she was straight, and she pretended Ms. Suehiro had a normal daughter, who lead a normal life, and everything was as it was before. And if Anna was good at anything, it was pretending.
---
The first Anna noticed as she regained her composure and entered the set was that the audience had significantly fewer people. The once crowded stands now held less than 100 audience members, and, while disappointed, Anna was grateful to have fewer eyes staring down at her. As she took her seat, she felt a hand briefly squeeze her shoulder, but when she turned her head, Akari was asking her seat, acting as though nothing had happened. The cameras finished their final adjustments, and as the director yelled “Action!”, Akari continued as if nothing had happened.
“Welcome back, viewers! For those of you just joining us, famous model Anna Suehiro had made her relationship public, and was telling us about her girlfriend, Masami Nitori, who sounds like a wonderful woman. Although, it did sound like you had more to tell us about her.”
“Yes, I did.” Anna took a deep breath and glanced at the audience, hoping that, with the homophobes weeded out, no one would be storming out at her next announcement. “Now, what I'm about to say is not something most people should do. I'm only saying this with explicit permission from Masami, and I would never say what I'm about to say otherwise.” Another deep breath. Let it out. Let it out. “My girlfriend Masami is a trans woman. She is transgender.” Anna knows she should pause, let the audiences at home react, but she keeps going. “She’s known since she was 11, but never had the words to explain her feelings. Although I had a pretty good idea she wasn't a guy, she came out to me when she was 18. Due to safety concerns, she held off transitioning publicly until she graduated from college. And that's one of the things that brings me here today.” Anna gives Akari a quick glance, and she responds with a subtle nod. Keep going, she's saying. Keep going. You've practiced. You know what you're going to say. Keep going.
“LGBT people have no representation in media, in either fictional characters or celebrities. And this makes the world a very difficult place for them in two ways. Firstly, it means transgender people, especially young ones, have no person to look up to, or to help them describe their existence. They may know they are not their assigned gender, but not understand the feeling, or think everyone feels that way, and go years without even knowing their gender, let alone being public about it. And second, it means cisgender people, or people who identify as the gender they were given at birth, have trouble seeing trans people as anything more than jokes. Every time you laugh at a man in a dress, or suggest trans people are trying to trick others, you are saying that the mistreatment of trans people is okay, and that they shouldn’t be respected, sending trans people deeper into hiding and encouraging children to bully those who don’t fit in.”
Anna paused, taking a deep breath. She felt her throat begin to close up, and quickly continued talking. “I’m here today to speak out for my girlfriend and all other trans people, to say we must listen, encourage and respect those around us. I cannot speak for them, but without people like me, like us,” she gestured to Akari, “Then their voices may never be heard. Thank you.”
She leaned back in her seat, a wave of exhaustion washing over her. She knew the fallout of something like this would be enormous, but all she could think about was going home, cuddling with Masami, and doing what she had been putting off for years. Anna barely registered Akari say, “That’s all the time we have for today, folks.” until she was being carted off stage. She went back to her room, where a makeup artist (a different one, she noted) removed her heavy makeup and sent her on her way. It was done, she realized. It felt like a blur. She had been anxious in the weeks leading up to her appearance, and it was suddenly over. And she wasn’t ready to face it. She wasn’t prepared to face a world that knew her deepest secrets, no matter how hard she’d tried to prepare. She felt her anxiety rising, rising again, reaching its peak until…
“Anna, wait up!” Anna started as Akari caught up with her, panting. “I wanted to talk to you before you left.” She placed her hands on Anna’s shoulders, her tight grip comforting, grounding her. “What you did today was incredibly brave. Stupidly brave, honestly. I’d warn you about the repercussions, but I’m sure you’ve been over them a billion times by now. What you did today is something I don’t think I’ll ever be able to do. So thank you, Anna. And good luck.”
There weren’t words for what Anna felt. She hugged Akari as tight as she could, thanking her for the opportunity, trying to hold back her tears. With a final squeeze and an exchange of phone numbers, Anna took a deep breath, turned, and walked into the unknown.
----
Anna hadn’t known what to expect in that moment. But she never would have guessed the scene that lay in front of her.
Dozens, no, hundreds of people were crowded around the entrance, blocked off by metal gates and shocked security guards in a hasty measure to keep the crowds away. Rainbow flags were flying, crude signs covered in support and puns of every shade were held, and the vague shouts she had heard outside the studio door were suddenly silent as she stepped outside.
In a flash the crowd erupted, cheering at the top of their lungs. Through the thunderous, noise, Anna was able to make out some words:
“Yeah, Suehiro!”
“You go, girl!”
“Thank you so much!”
Suddenly, the raucous crowd seemed to join together in cheer: Her name. “Suehiro! Suehiro! SUEHIRO!”
“Anna!”
The familiar voice stood more than her name as Masami pushed her way through the crowd, hopping the barrier and lifting Anna in a messy bridal carry, all sealed with a kiss. The crowd burst with applause and cheers again, but they were but a speck in her mind. All she could think about was her girlfriend, who was here, and out, and no longer had to hide.
“I can’t believe you actually did that.” Masami giggled, pressing her head to Anna’s.
“Me neither.”
“Ready to head home?”
“Yes. I have a phone call to make that is long overdue.”
---
“Hello, this is… Anna?”