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The harsh glare of the computer screen cut into my tired eyes in the dark of the observation deck of the castle. I had no idea how long I’d been awake, the concept of time long blurring into oblivion. It’s not like it’s easy to tell time in space anyways. My eyes scoured across the screen, endless databases blurring into one another. I was so exhausted, but I wouldn’t be able to sleep if I tried. I need to find them, whatever the cost. Matt, dad, and now Shiro- they were all gone. Shiro was the last link to what happened on Kerberos- my last link to what happened to my family. After the fight with Zarkon, he vanished like dust in the wind. All of us were crushed when we found the cockpit of the black lion empty. The others tried not to show it, we’re all hurting without Shiro. They all vanished without a trace. Some foolish part of me hopes all of three of them are out there, safe and fighting the Galra. I hope that Shiro will return, and along with him will be my family. Be honest Katie, that’s never gonna happen. So that’s why I sit here, every night, endlessly searching for them. I sit here, because despite the futility of the situation, I still want so desperately to one night find them- to be here in the dark among the stars, and finally see their faces again.
I sighed as a message popped up on the screen, indicating for the umpteenth time that my search had returned no matches. The exhaustion, frustration, and sadness bubbled in my chest- a volatile cocktail threatening to pour out at any second. I inhaled shakily, feeling tears threatening to form in my eyes. My throat burned, the horrible feeling indicating that I was going to cry. I hate it, the feeling of tears pouring down my cheeks as I bury my face in my hands. Worthless. That’s all you are, Katie. My quiet sobs filled the room, and I felt like I was drowning under the weight of my tears. I know I can’t stop, and that’s what I hate the most. I have spent too many nights like this, curled in a ball on the observation deck as I sob into the night. Crying never does me any good- it always makes me feel more helpless than I already am. Give up. There’s no use in trying to find them anymore. At least sobbing alone is better than doing it in front of the others. They’d worry about me if they ever found me here at night. I rubbed my eyes with my sweater sleeves, trying to dry the tears and steady my shaky breathing. My lungs and my eyes burned, the feeling of shame and sadness not making anything better. As I tried to stop crying, thoughts of Matt comforting me as a kid came flooding back. I wish you were here right now, big brother. I hope wherever you are in the galaxy you still remember me. Those memories only brought more tears to my eyes, and I hugged my knees to my chest, not even bothering to wipe my face anymore. They’re gone and there’s nothing you can do about it.
Suddenly I heard soft footsteps behind me, causing me to freeze. My breath caught in my throat, and I desperately hoped that whoever walked up behind me would have the sense to leave me alone. I don’t want them to see me like this. I could hear whoever it was let out a small gasp, and then sit down beside me. A gentle hand pressed into my shoulder timidly, as if they were afraid they’d break me with just a touch. My sobs quieted as I tried to hide from whoever was next to me. They began to gently rub circles into my shoulder, as if to tell me they were there for me. I didn’t dare look at them. I didn’t want anyone to see my face all blotchy from tears. I’ve never looked very pretty when I’ve cried. As scared as I was to be so vulnerable in front of whoever it was, there was something comforting about not being alone. I still felt guilty about most likely worrying whoever has come to my aid. Deep breaths, Katie. You gotta stop crying.
“Pidge?” It was Allura’s soft voice that broke the silence, causing my heart to leap into my throat. Out of everyone, I hadn’t expected her to be the one to come comfort me. “Pidge it’s okay.” She soothed with a gentle pat on my shoulder, most likely trying to coax me out of the ball I’d curled myself into. I slowly lifted my head, still not wanting to face her. I let myself uncurl with a shaky exhale, my lungs still raspy from all the crying. I turned to meet her eyes, her face visibly worried. She glanced over at my laptop, and gave me a sympathetic frown. “You’ve been searching for them, have you not?” She asked, her voice thick with concern. I nodded weakly and she let out a sigh. “How long have you been doing this for?” She asked. I knew lying would be pointless.
“Every night.” I murmured, and her eyes went wide. “Every night since Shiro left, I’ve sat here and looked for them. I just want to believe that they’re somewhere out there- all three of them.” I could feel Allura’s disapproving gaze cutting into me. I didn’t expect you to understand anyways. Nobody does.
“Pidge you cannot keep doing that to yourself.” She spoke, her tone firm. “You need time to rest and recover, not spending every night here agonizing yourself.” Something about her words sent a pang of anger through my chest. If the only reason she was here was to lecture me, I didn’t want to deal with it.
“Why do you care?” I asked, my voice quiet but biting. “I don’t care about myself Allura, I’m not that important. What’s important is that we find Shiro and my family.” She recoiled at my words, drawing her hand from my shoulder in shock. Suddenly I felt guilty. Great job, Katie. Now you’ve made an ass of yourself on top of crying in front of people. I buried my face in my hands and groaned, feeling like I was going to cry yet again.
“Pidge, I understand.” Allura’s voice softened as she tried to comfort me. “I know what loss feels like. I know what you’re going through.” Of course she knows what loss is like- she lost her whole goddamn planet. My breath caught in my throat as she pulled me into a soft embrace. She began to reassuringly pat my arms, and I dared to lean into her chest. Her heartbeat was calming as I tried to steady my breathing once more. I wanted to stay like that in her gentle and warm embrace. “I-is this okay?” She murmured, sounding unsure of herself.
“Y-yeah.” I responded, my voice quavering as I spoke- this time not out of sadness but nervousness. I could feel a blush creep to my cheeks as the princess pulled me closer. “I’m sorry Allura.” I apologized, still feeling guilty for my past outburst. I looked up to see a confused expression on her face.
“What for?” She asked, her features growing worried again. I sigh, gazing off into the vast expanse of space out the windows. The feeling of shame would only be worsened if I looked her in the eye.
“For my outburst at you. I-it was childish,” I responded. Allura shook her head, and pulled me closer, making the blush on my cheeks worsen.
“Don’t worry Pidge, I understand.” She responded and pressed a small kiss to my forehead. My eyes grew wide and she giggled. “You’re so cute like that, you know.” She mused, and I was at a loss for words.
“Allura I-” I cut off as she kissed my cheek again, causing my blush to only get worse. It was a nice, warm and bubbly feeling I had in my chest. I could feel her lips on my cheek even after they were gone, a soft afterburn to her kiss. She began to gently smooth my hair, pulling me into her lap as we sat there in the silence. There was a mutual feeling of trust, and the beginnings of love between us as we sat there together in the observation deck. I could feel myself, for the first time in awhile, starting to submit peacefully to my exhaustion. The warmth of Allura’s embrace made me feel safe enough to fall asleep. I didn’t want to ruin such a nice moment between us. She kissed my forehead gently again, letting out a small sigh after she did so.
“Hush now Pidge.” She murmured, as I began to flutter in and out of consciousness. A yawn escaped my lips, a reminder that I’ve been up for far too long. “Go to sleep.” Her voice was tired, and I dared to snuggle closer to her. If the others found us here, I know they’d have questions, but right now I didn’t care. As I drifted off further to sleep, I heard Allura’s soft whisper of “I love you.” We can answer all of our questions in the morning, but for right now I just want to be here in your arms. For the first time in a long time, I didn’t have nightmares when I shut my eyes.