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“Sam, where are you? Really. I need to talk to you...please be there...”
I slowly hung up the phone, as though doing so would once and for all truly cut me off from her. There should have been no hesitation. I'd been wanting to join the Army for what felt like practically my whole life – okay, since I was twelve, but that's still a long time. After all, it was a 'family tradition' and it would 'keep me out of trouble,' at least according to my parents.
If only they knew.
Sam had never done anything resembling JROTC, but she was already way braver than I would ever be. She'd told her parents about us...something I knew I would never get the guts to do.
At least Sam's parents didn't completely freak and kick her out, like I knew mine would've. They just sat in their little bubble of denial. It was almost like she hadn't said anything at all.
That's why I thought that she'd answer, that she'd come find me.
I stepped a little away from the pay phone and sank down to the ground, which was cold even though it was June – that was Salem at night for you, I guess. Honestly, I hadn't had a plan beyond getting off the bus here and calling her. I thought that she'd pick up instantly and we could run away somewhere together, away from prying eyes and unacceptance.
Sam.
I closed my eyes, thinking about to all those stolen times up in her attic. Or in her bedroom when her parents would be out working or doing whatever they did. There'd also been a few times in the basement, which felt too weird since it was like her crazy uncle Oscar had been watching us.
Every time, I knew it would never be enough. I wanted to be able to hold and touch and kiss my girlfriend without worrying if someone was going to hear and ruin both of our lives. I wanted to be able to hold her hand without even thinking about it, instead of just under the covers after making sure the doors were locked.
I wanted more for her. For us.
All I'd ever wanted was to make her happy.
Destroying my locker because hers had been by some assholes? Dedicating that last song to her? All the notes and tapes and photos and the zine?
It had only ever been for her.
Funny, but I've never told her all of this – I guess I'd just always hoped it would come across in what I do. My dad always said that 'actions speak louder than words,' so I bet I've been following his advice without even thinking about it. I wonder what he'd say if he knew.
I still remember the first time I saw her. I mean, really saw her, and not just out of the corner of my eye because she was the new girl in the Pyscho House, though even before everything, I was always turning my head in her direction. But the second she stepped up to the crowd of us around Street Fighter at the 7-11, I swear everything just stopped for a second. It was like she had this big gold star around her that demanded me to look.
Huh, it's kind of stupid when I think too hard about it. I wonder what she'd have to say about that.
But I knew from the second I laid eyes on her that this beautiful girl would be...someone to me. I got that vibe from her, you know? A lot of times, you can tell when people are going to just be okay friends or best friends, but there was always...something between us. It was why I didn't really hesitate about flirting with her, or holding her that night in the city. I knew she needed to figure it out for herself – and honestly, for awhile, I thought that I had had screwed things up, but I hadn't, and it was so worth the wait.
Nothing else in the world made more sense than that day I kissed her for the first time. It's like ever since then, the axis of the universe has been tilted in her direction and I'm forced to go there.
Maybe that's why I'm sitting on the ground in the middle of the night, thinking about the only girl who has ever really mattered to me. I needed her. Need her.
I'd given up on the Army, at least for now. The thought of getting shipped to Basic for years and years now made me shudder instead of making me excited. It was time I'd never get back – time that I could be with her instead. If we had time, I would've gotten on a bus to take me back home, just so I could grab her and go.
We didn't have that kind of time, though. I knew her parents were still on vacation for just another day or so, and her sister was supposed to be coming back from Europe practically at any second.
It had to be tonight.
I'd already called twice, though. Maybe that was a sign that this wasn't meant to be, that I actually did have to think of that last night when she fell asleep in my arms as nothing but a memory. It'd fade away eventually. Probably.
But if being with her had taught me anything, it was that I couldn't shy away from the things that made me feel real. I'd been caught in between girl power and following the rules for so long that I didn't even know what I believed anymore.
Except for, of course, that Sam and I were supposed to be together.
I fiddled with the last of the change in my pocket. Another thing my dad had always said was 'third time's the charm.' Funny – I'm sure he'd never anticipated that all those weird sayings would have a totally profound impact on his daughter's future...a future he never would've chosen for me.
But it was mine , and there was only one person I wanted to share it with, forever and always.
I shakily got to my legs and stared at the phone, running the words over in my head again – my pleas for her to find me, to be with me, to have my whole universe make sense.
Please say yes.
I put the coins into the payphone and dialed her number. I knew from experience that the phone rang four times before the machine picked up, and my heart was sinking halfway through the third ring when I heard it.
The click of the phone being picked up, and it was all I could do not to burst into tears like an idiot, completely blurting out her name before she could even say hello.
“Sam…?”
She paused, and then there was a desperate, relieved sound that made me want to burst open.
“Lonnie?!”
I went through my whole speech, barely even stopping to pause for breath, about how I couldn't stop thinking about her and that I didn't want us to be apart, that I couldn't join the Army, that I loved her, loved her, loved her. At some point, I'm pretty sure I started crying, but I had to say this all now. I had to make her understand.
“Sam, I want you to pack up everything you can and get in your car and come find me – and let's just drive until we find somewhere...for us...” I was practically gasping out the words at this point. This was a big thing I was asking of her, but it was the only way. “Can...can you do that?”
There was another pause and I realized that she was crying. All I could hear were shaky, uneven breaths, and of course, without seeing her face, it was hard to tell if they were good tears or bad ones.
And then she gave me the only answer I ever wanted to hear again.
“Yes.”