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Saudade (n.) The feeling of longing for something or someone who you love and which is lost.
Jimin can’t remember exactly when it starts, all he knows is how he feels now. This all consuming, crippling, wonderfully awful feeling of unrequited love.
And Jimin is so in love.
In love with the most passionate, kindest, considerate, and beautiful boy he has ever had the good misfortune of meeting.
Min Yoongi is and has been Jimin’s best friend for as long as he can remember. Every memory that Jimin has of his life, Min Yoongi has been apart of for most, if not all of them.
Yoongi was the reason for Jimin’s love for music. He pushed Jimin towards dancing when the younger had express a great interest in it. Stuck up for him and protected him from their neighborhood bullied and then later on in school.
Late nights spent doing homework together and bitching about their teachers, talking about anything and everything. Yoongi has always put Jimin first, always taking care of him, comforting him and making Jimin believed in himself when he starts to feel insecure.
Somewhere along the way, Jimin falls hard for his best friend. But with someone like Min Yoongi in their life, who wouldn’t?
Yoongi will never feel the same though. Jimin knows this, doesn’t even attempt to tell the older about how he feels because he knows how it will turn out; he gets his heart broken. His hyung only sees him as his best friend. He knows Yoongi loves him but not the way he wishes he would.
So Jimin learns to lock that part of him away. He learns to mask his emotions, to not let his true feelings show because he’s afraid Yoongi might realize and start to distant himself away. He would rather have Yoongi in his life then not at all. Jimin has gotten very good at faking his smile especially when Yoongi is being particular affectionate with him. Faking his eyes smile that he knows his hyung loves so much but meanwhile inside, he feels another piece of his heart chip away.
Some days he catches Yoongi staring at him with a strange look in his eyes but Jimin quickly snuffs out the small flare of hope he feels in his chest. Those days, Jimin waits until he’s in the safety of his own room and lets himself cry, tears of anger as he screams into his pillow. Angry at the world for letting him love someone like Yoongi but never being loved back.
He picks himself up the next day and meets up with Yoongi, fake smile in place, like nothing happened, like he doesn’t feel his heart bleeding out.
“Jiminie, hyung’s gotta go to the library today. Professor Lee will have my head of I don’t finish it by Tuesday,” Yoongi says apologetically.
“I promise will get dinner tonight! My treat!” Yoongi quickly amends.
Jimin smiles, a genuine one and says, “That’s okay hyung! I have some homework I have to finish anyways, if it’s okay that I tag along to the library to?” Jimin asks tentatively.
Yoongi’s face softens, and he has that look in his eye. The one that makes Jimin wish that Yoongi would just rip his heart out instead of incessantly fanning the small glimmer of hope in his chest.
“Jimin-ah, there will never be a time where I won’t want you with me,” Yoongi says and Jimin isn’t sure if he hallucinated the longing in his voice.
Jimin plasters on his fake smile, fake smiling like second nature to him. “You’re so cheesy hyung!”
The pair walk towards the library after going back to Jimin’s dorm room (Jimin had insisted on getting his umbrella because he had checked the weather and it’s going to rain later they day and well into the night).
Jimin and Yoongi get a private room and study in comfortable silence with the occasional smiles thrown at each other or Yoongi asking if Jimin needs anything.
Around six in the evening, the skies start to darken and the rumble of thunder can be heard in the distance. Yoongi’s phone starts vibrating on the table and Jimin makes the mistake of looking down at it.
The caller ID flashes and a handsome face with a bright smile greets him along with the name Hobi.
That’s the other reason why Jimin will never confess his feelings. Hoseok is a mutual friend of theirs and Jimin is certain that Yoongi likes him. After all why wouldn’t he? Hoseok’s the epitome of sunshine and rainbows, incredibly kind and caring and not to mention very handsome.
Jimin might be able to find it in himself to resent the boy if he isn’t such a decent person and Jimin does genuinely like the guy. He doesn’t fault Hoseok for how Yoongi feels. As painful as it is for him to admit, he’s happy that Yoongi has found such a wonderful person, as Hoseok to love. He just hopes that Hoseok will cherish and love Yoongi as much as Jimin does.
Yoongi mumbles out an apology before he swipes his phone and answers.
“What’s up Hobi?” Yoongi says and Jimin wonders if Yoongi’s smile is just as wide as when Jimin calls him.
“What?!” Yoongi whispers loudly. “Uh huh. Yeah. Okay. There’s nothing we can do now. We’re just going to have to start over again,” Yoongi says and pinches the bridge of his nose. “Alright, I’ll see you Hobi.”
Yoongi hangs up and takes a deep breath. Jimin who’s been staring this whole time asks timidly, “Hyung is everything alright?”
Yoongi snaps open his eyes and just like that the look of frustration melts of his face. Jimin ignores the fluttering in his stomach.
“Yeah, our computer at the studio got fried and including our backups so we have to start our mixtape from scratch. Luckily I have most of the mixes saved on a external hard drive back home,” Yoongi says before he looks guiltily at Jimin. “Jimin, I’m so sorry, I know I said we were going to get dinner tonight but i don’t think I’ll be able to.”
Jimin swallows down his disappointment, forcing himself to smile as naturally as possible. “Hyung it’s okay! This is more important! You guys worked hard on that mixtape!” Jimin does mean what he says though. Jimin knows how hard his friends have worked on their music.
Yoongi looks torn, but Jimin ushers him out. “It’s fine hyung, really! Rain check?” Jimin says hopefully.
Yoongi walks over to where Jimin is sitting and pulls him into a tight hug. Jimin feels his heart simultaneously heal and break itself.
“Definitely. I promise.” Yoongi murmurs.
“Yeah, yeah. Okay, leave before you get all cheesy on me!” Jimin tries to tease, heart not being able to handle the close proximity. He pulls away and thinks he thinks he imagines the slight hesitation in Yoongi’s movements before Yoongi lets him go.
“Okay, okay. I should probably go before it rains.” Yoongi laughs a little awkwardly and gathers his things. He reaches the door and turns back around. “You call me right away if something happens or if you need anything okay? I don’t care how late, you know I’ll answer.”
“Yes! Hyung now go!” Jimin shoos him. Yoongi gives him one last look before he’s out the door.
Not long after Yoongi left, Jimin hears the first pitter patter of rain against the windows before the heavy downpour of rain can be heard in the small room.
Jimin looks out the window worriedly. He knows Yoongi can’t have gotten far because his apartment is quite a walk from campus. Jimin collects his things and grabs his umbrella, running out hoping to catch up to Yoongi.
He runs in the direction of Yoongi’s apartment building. The umbrella doing little to protect him from the rain that pelted at him from all sides. Jimin spots him a few meters ahead and Jimin stops in his tracks.
Yoongi is talking animatedly to someone, and even from this distance, Jimin can see his gummy smile. The guy is none other than Hoseok.
Jimin stares as Hoseok holds an umbrella over Yoongi, the two of them standing relatively close under the shelters of the umbrella.
Jimin stares as the two interact, walking further and further away from him. Jimin feels it all at once, the ugly emotion of jealousy, anger, bitterness, and the most prominent one: heartbreak.
Jimin watches as the two disappear from view and drops his umbrella as he walks back home.
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“Hyung, are you ever going to tell Jimin how you feel?” Hoseok asks as he steps in closer towards the middle of the umbrella and away from the rain.
Yoongi sighs, heart aching whenever the topic of Jimin is brought up.
“It wouldn’t matter if I did. He doesn’t feel the same way. To him, I’m just his hyung. Every time I try to initiate something or hint at how I feel, he just laughs it off as me being weird or cheesy,” Yoongi says and he can’t even conceal the heartbreak from his voice.
“I don’t know hyung, I still think you should try. What if he does feel the same and this whole time you two just assume that the other doesn’t feel the same and are just hurting each other unnecessarily.”
Yoongi laughs bitterly, “You have no idea. It kills me. All I want to do whenever I’m around him is hold him and tell him how much I love him but I can never be near him like that,” Yoongi says sadly.
Hoseok pats Yoongi on his back. “Just think about it alright? Before it’s too late and you lose him for good.”
Yoongi looks out towards the deserted street,aching feeling in his chest as he says, “How could I lose him? I never had him.”
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