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“So… Someone just said I should run a company? I’m like, what, 12?” Philip Pirrip said, looking at the letter in his hands.
“I mean, sure?” The disembodied voice of JAGGERS, the robot butler, said.
“Cool,” Pip said.
Suddenly coming into a lot of money was really great, considering Pip didn’t have any family and was poor as dirt. And because he didn’t have anyone to tell him it was a bad idea, and he was very smart, Pip built a big suit of armor, with guns and stuff.
“What’s it made of, sir?” asked JAGGERS.
“Iron,” Pip said, because it was a metal and he wasn’t very sure, but iron seemed like a good bet.
“That would make you an Iron Man,” JAGGERS said.
“It sure does,” Pip answered.
“Hey, sorry to interrupt, but your suit of armor looks really cool and our superhero team could really use it,” said a blonde guy in colorful spandex.
“Absolutely,” Pip said when he saw him. “You must be very… patriotic?”
“I’m Captain America, but you can call me Herbert,” the guy said, extending a hand.
“Coolio,” Pip said. Herbert nodded seriously.
“So anyways, you said superhero team?”
“Okay, Iron Man, show us what you’re made of,” Herbert called from the ground. Pip wasn’t sure how he knew how to fly his suit, must be his amazing genius. Herbert had some people around him. They had introduced themselves earlier. Estella was Black Widow, Miss Havisham was Scarlet Witch, Joe was the Hulk, and Biddy was the Wasp.
“Okey dokey,” Pip answered, blasting Doctor Doom. Drummle, which was Doctor Doom’s real name, felt kind of put out that he wasn’t enough of a threat that the whole team wouldn’t try and take him out.
They blasted each other for a bit until Drummle fell out of the sky. The Avengers cheered.
“That’s pretty good,” Estella admitted and Pip felt a surge of happiness. Black Widow was probably the best superhero on the team, in his opinion, and she had complimented him!
“Wow, thanks Estella,” Pip swooned.
Herbert scoffed. “It’s not that great,” he muttered. He was the one who had recruited Iron Man, not Widow! Iron Man was supposed to be his friend!
Despite Estella’s praise, Pip felt a little down after that because of course he wanted Herbert’s approval too.
This was why Pip was awake when a garish red and purple figure floated into his room at 3 am.
“I know what you’re thinking, and it’s fuschia , not purple!” Magneto said.
“Okay, quick question, what the-” Pip started, but Magneto shushed him.
“You know how you suddenly got to run a whole company and got a ton of money?” Magneto asked.
“Uh, yeah?” Pip answered.
“Yeah, that was me,” Magneto revealed. “So now, you owe me one.”
“But you’re a villain!” Pip gasped.
“Yep! But you still have to free me from the Pentagon.” Magneto answered.
“But you’re right here,” Pip pointed out.
Magneto shook his head. “Nope, I’m just in your head. My best frenemy actually decided to help out for once, so this is a telepathic conversation. So, any day now, come break me out. They don’t have air conditioning there, and it’s summer.”
Then he vanished.
“Iron Man? I heard voices,” Captain America said, knocking his door down. Pip looked at him pointedly.
“I sleep talk,” he lied. Cap shrugged and awkwardly put the door back in place.
The next few days, Pip planned how he was going to free Magneto. He tried to avoid his teammates, in case they suspected something was up. Black Widow was starting to warm up to him, too.
Pip was fiddling with some super secret government documents when Captain America approached.
“Whatcha doin?” he asked, leaning over Pip’s shoulder.
“Watching anime,” Pip said quickly, closing his tab. Herbert jerked back and gave him a weird look. Pip realized his computer was now open to “Google Search: why does captain america wear booty shorts? 794,000 results”
“They’re not booty shorts if you wear tights underneath,” Herbert mumbled, walking away sadly.
Pip realized he had hurt his friend, but he couldn’t deal with that right now. He had to free Magneto because of his debt.
Iron Man walked into the Pentagon in civilian clothes, then changed into his suit to blast his way in. Magneto smirked when he approached.
“I knew you’d come,” he said. Pip reluctantly freed him and Magneto flew out of his cell.
Then the Avengers showed up.
“Wow, Iron Man, you’re pretty fast to the crime scene!” Wasp commented, unaware he was the criminal.
“Haha, yep,” Iron Man said awkwardly.
He braced himself to fight the Avengers when suddenly Magneto keeled over, clutching his stomach. He was dead.
“ That was for my legs, you fridge magnet!” Professor X said, holding the smoking gun. He was shaking weirdly and maybe crying.
“Okay, let’s back away slowly,” Herbert said. They decided to let the police handle the dead Magneto and probably crazy Professor X.
“Hey Estella, we should go out,” Pip said as they walked away.
“No,” she said.
Herbert looked into the camera like he was on The Office.
“Oh well, I guess I’m doomed to never find love,” Pip wailed theatrically, draping himself onto Herbert.
The camera zoomed into Herbert’s face, really close. He looked about to cry.