Chapter Text
March 2015
-Do you believe in grieving?- I asked her one day over the phone. We had kissed for the first time a few nights before and after she had declined to pick up any of my calls, I had to almost beg for her to do so… Took a couple of days but she did pick up her phone again... starting our daily night calls
Ten days earlier…
She opened her eyes, and I knew this was only the beginning.
-We shouldn’t be doing this…- She tried to move away but I only took her lips between mine. Once again I felt the need to cut myself open and get her inside of me, I needed to get her under my skin, I wanted to have claws that would allow me to get her to be with her, every day, all day. The furious need scared me, my need for her was so strong … it actually scared me. I felt her hands pushing me away, I didn’t want to give her the opportunity to run away… I couldn’t make myself do it.
I touched her tongue with mine, I could taste the wine she had before, I could smell her skin and I could enjoy the heat of her body against mine; I was obsessed. I was in need. I felt her nails on my shoulders, the padding of the suit did close to nothing to stop the achy feeling… I was desperate. I pushed her to the wall once again and I felt her arched onto me as her hands went to my hair and her right leg curved around my hip
-Blake…No. Wait…- She moved three steps to the right and looked straight at me. Her hair was a mess, she had beautiful blond locks of hair sticking out in every direction, her lips were swollen, her eyes were shining bright and her dress was a little misplace around the middle… I wanted to rip it off her.
-What?- My voice was hoarse, filled with need and I knew how hard it sounded, it was unbelievable that I could sound like that. I guessed that complete and blind lust does that to a man.
-You’re married… Am… too and … we both have kids. This is not good- I knew it. I could lose it all if somebody walked in if anyone knew I had kissed Gwen Stefani and was thinking the crazy things I was thinking, my career was going to be over, my kids might hate me…and still, my head was buzzing with so much need for her that nothing else mattered in that moment.
She moved to the door and ran away…or that’s why she thought.
Ten days later.
-What got you thinking about grieve?- Her sweet honeyed voice came through the phone and I clutched it harder
-My sister asked me something about my brother, it reminded him…And I just started to ask myself if grieve actually helped people, I feel like I either didn’t do it correctly or is bullshit-
-Sometimes…for some people if the pain is too deep, maybe you won’t help you heal completely but you’ll be better, time does wonder to the soul. If you haven’t healed yet, maybe you need more time… When did he pass away?-
-26 years on November-
-Daaamn…-
-I don’t know if I’m doing anything wrong or if the pain will ever go away…-
-Everyone does grieving differently… it took my mom eight months to stop crying every time she remembered her mom and it’s been five years and my dad get sad every time he talks about grandpa. There’s not like a…book about grieving, you do it how it’s good for you, how it comes naturally… it eventually work out, someday you’ll find that calmness of spirit that only time gives you-
I took in what she was saying and I just realized that my head wasn’t in Richie anymore but in the way, her voice ran through my veins and came to me. She calmed me down…she helped to think about more than pain
-I like to hear your voice…-
-Mr…-
-Blake…It was Blake the other night-
-Yes…and remember how it ended?-
-Yes…Me, alone and miserable, thinking about the taste of your lips…-
-Don’t…- She interrupted quickly
-Ok. Ok… I’ll respect your wishes, I won’t ask if you are wearing that peach perfume that almost drove me nuts while we were kissing… or about your flowery shampoo that had my hands itching to hold your hair- I heard a door closing on the other line of the phone.
-You are definitely not playing fair…- Her voice was slightly ragged
-No, I’m not…-
-This is not good…this…shouldn’t be happening-
-Ok.- I waited for a second -When can I see you again?-
-No… Don’t ask me that-
-So what? I should just appear out of nowhere and surprise you?-
-No…Mr…-
-Blake…-
-Blake… I have to go-
-I’ll call you tomorrow-
-Blake…-
-Please, I need to hear your voice- I pleaded, I actually did. Even I could hear the need and the overwhelming pain
-Ok…- She whispered after a second in silence, I knew she could hear the need in my voice.
-Talk to you tomorrow…-
-Yes…and…Blake? Heal the way you need to but don’t live in the past-
The line went dead and I wish I could have felt the way her breath caught in her throat when I said I was going to surprise her… The pain eased with each one of her words, but it was still there.
The thoughts about my brother were always there, 26 years later and my eyes watered every time my mind flew to my times with him, to those summers when we went fishing to Lake Texoma or we went horseback riding on grandpa’s ranch. Richie was the kind of brother you could always count on, he was there whenever you needed him or didn’t, he would sneak me out of the house to go hang out with him and his friend when I was having issues at school. I would spend so much time with him that when he was gone, I realized that I almost didn’t have any friends of my own.
Richie and I spent hours and hours together, we laughed, we ran and we enjoyed our closeness so much it was ridiculous. Everything was great until one night he didn’t return, he didn’t come back…and he never would do it again. It was hard at the begging, and then it became harder and harder while the days passed by. 26 years later, it wasn’t as hard as it was when I was 17 and went on my first date and had nobody to tell me what to do or when I was learning to drive and the only thing on my mind was the drunk driver that took my brother’s life. It didn’t matter how much I wanted to cruise around town… my mind would always go to the last seconds of my brother’s life, did he feel anything? Did he know he was going to die? Did he think about me? It’s been 26 years of grieving…26 years of wondering about him…hurting about him.
-Papaaaa!- I heard Jon’s voice stopping my train of thoughts and getting me out of my misery. My six-year-old ball of energy busted the door open of the office and ran to me. I held him tight as he tried to escape from my tickles. –Daaaaaaad- I was in the oval, I looked up and I saw Jenny his nanny looking at us, tired but sweet smile on her face- something that didn’t match her uptight high waisted skirt and ugly shirt.
-What is it? Why are you running around?-
-Richie is being annoying again…Sophie is too-
-So is Sophie…- I corrected him- Buddy, they are babies, Richie is only three and the princess is barely a year-
-I know…but still- Jon had taken the big brother role very seriously. He liked being the older one, I remembered when he saw Richie for the first time and the first thing my then three years old said was “Mine” in that second, I knew that Jon was going to be an awesome big brother.
-You’re almost a man…They’re kids. You’re always going to be older and wiser. You need to act the part, so … when they’re annoying just deal with it-
-Fine- He said as his head landed on the spot between my chest and my shoulder, he cuddled. The heat of his body, her still lingering baby smell and the love his body exuded was the best medicine to deal with my nostalgia. Most of the times I could not help but imagine what my mom must have felt when Richie died. The love I had for my kids was so overwhelming at times and ran so deep that just the idea of not having them around actually hurt, just the thought of it was painful… the reality could easily destroy me.
My mind flew to my mother, Dorothy showed everyone how strong she was… nor the divorce or the dead of her oldest child broke her, she actually got stronger. She learned to work harder with and through the pain, she grew smarter and pulled Endy and me out of the hole we were… She never lets us fall apart.
-Hey, buddy…How about we both play with them so we can deal with their annoyance…like men do- I said. When I became president of the United States, the first thing I told the staff was that my kids were everything and the most important thing in my life, meaning… they could and would get to me anytime it was necessary. They couldn’t walk around the offices nor the oval office unless they were with someone but they had full liberties when it came to the family wing; if you walk into it, you would find toys, dirt, food, and shoes everywhere at any time.
-Ok- He said and he jumped out of my arms and ran to the doors, that’s when he stopped and turned to me and said. – Dad! Common, let’s play!-
I could not help but smile and ran like a child following him, his delight screams were music to my ears. We ran and I saw every single person looking at us, smiling and rolling their eyes because of my silliness; I loved playing it dumb… it was fun to jump and run across the White House with my kids… I’m not ashamed to admit I had crawled a couple of time with both Sophie and Richie.
He ran straight to the stairs and started to climb them like a monkey, I started to climb them two by two, enjoying my 6 foot 5 frame. I caught him with one hand and as I walked us up the stairs, his laughter could be heard all around the big house that was going to be our home for the next 3 years and a half, at least…
Something that I promised myself and my kids was being a present dad even though I was president, my parents got a divorce and even though the hated each other they would hang out for our sake so… if they could make it work, why couldn’t I work it with Miranda who I was still married to even though I hated her?
As I shook him in the air and his laughter infected me I saw a couple of my security men smiling and when I walked into our residency… there were Richie and Sophie playing with some trucks in the middle of the living room, Sophie’s hand could barely hold the truck and Richie was slamming the truck against the floor…yeah, this was the reason I held myself up every single day.