Work Text:
Midoriya Izuku has a problem.
Or at least, that’s what Mineta said. Midoriya doesn’t actually think that he has a problem, but now the whole agency seems intent on helping him overcome this crisis of his.
“Guys,” Midoriya tries to say. “I’m really fine.”
“No you’re not,” Uraraka insists, and Midoriya can’t remember the last time she was so excited about something, except maybe the time she found out that if you bought two large pizzas at the shop downtown you’d get one more for free. He had never seen someone eat so much pepperoni without dying before. “This is a life-threatening condition. You’re going to die if you don’t get it treated right away.”
Midoriya wants to point out that the real life-threatening condition is the health of the citizens that are currently getting attacked outside their agency by villains while they all just sit around talking about his non-existent problem.
“I’ve survived countless villain attacks,” Midoriya says. “I think I’ll be fine.”
“Oh no, this is much worse,” Uraraka says, eyes glinting. “Right, Iida-kun?”
The man jolts, as if surprised that he was called out. Midoriya turns to him, shooting him his best puppy eyes. He can’t swindle of Uraraka anything, he knows that—the one time he tried to, he ended up instead buying her four packs of cookies and he still doesn’t know how that happened—but he figures Iida is easier. After all, if even Hatsume Mei could do it, he figures that he has a decent shot.
Iida clears his throat awkwardly and pushes up his glasses for dramatic effect. “Err,” he says eloquently. “I… I suppose it is life-threatening. But it’s not too late for you. You can still live, if you get it treated right away.”
“Well, that’s that!” Uraraka cheers as Midoriya gawks. She raises her hand for Iida to high five but he just stares at the foreign gesture. Uraraka high fives herself instead. “You heard him! We’re going to get started right away.”
Midoriya has never felt more betrayed in his life.
He feels a hand on his shoulder and he turns around and sees his savior.
“Todoroki-kun,” Midoriya croons at seemingly the only other reasonable person in the room. “Help me!”
Todoroki stares at him impassively and for a second Midoriya thinks that he might be saved. But then that traitor—he even helped Todoroki with controlling his fire powers! And he just! Backstabbed him!!!—turns to Uraraka and says “Can I change my wager?”
“Of course!” Uraraka says cheerfully like she isn’t the devil reincarnated and passes him the sheet of paper. Midoriya thinks he is beginning to understand why Bakugou is so angry at all the time.
And so begins their newest mission: #SeduceBakugou.
#SeduceBakugou started when Mineta Minoru realized that aside from a few kisses, the agency’s power couple—aka the agency’s only couple—had done absolutely nothing else. He tries to convince the rest of the agency to play the game with him, but Mineta is probably the worst salesman in town, which is saying something for a town that also contains Bakugou Katsuki.
“Come on,” Mineta had said. “It’ll be like real life porn!”
Nonetheless, the rest of them eventually come around. Mineta goes to each and every one of them and convinces them how helping Bakugou’s and Midoriya’s love life would benefit the rest of the community. (Just kidding. He doesn’t have time for that. He bribed them all with money. To his defense, it wasn’t very hard. He supposed he should be slightly worried that Uraraka looked like she would be happy to go assassinate All Might when he brought money up, but eh.)
The rules of the game goes like this:
They will take turns: Todoroki, Kirishima, Iida, Uraraka, Mineta and All Might, though Mineta thinks that All Might probably got the wrong idea when they told him that they were trying to get Midoriya and Bakugou together. If All Might knew that the rest of his agency was trying to get Midoriya to do R-Rated things with the devil himself, then he probably would’ve put up more resistance.
Each of them has one day to educate Midoriya Izuku on the beautiful art of seduction. The day after, Midoriya will perform his newly acquired skills on the unsuspecting Bakugou Katsuki. Clearly, this plan is flawless and nothing can go wrong.
After all of them have had their turn, Bakugou Katsuki will choose whichever method he likes the best. Whoever had bet on that person will split the money. They figured that Bakugou hates them all equally enough for him to actually be a fair judge.
Todoroki disagrees. He has learned the hard way that Bakugou Katsuki’s hatred for him is so insurmountable that in the event that Bakugou had the choice between saving Midoriya and killing Todoroki, he would probably kill Todoroki twice.
Todoroki places his bet on Mineta. Mineta seems to know what he’s doing, at least more than the rest of them do. While he’s sure the rest of them all have hidden motives, he’s 100% convinced that Mineta Minoru lives for no other reason than to seduce girls. So yeah, Todoroki thinks, this should be a safe bet. If he wins this wager, he’ll have enough money to repair his car that Bakugou broke last week.
Though, the vindictive part of him hopes that all of them fail and Bakugou never gets laid and Midoriya leaves him.
And Bakugou ends up tripping up the stairs and landing on his face.
And he gets a flat tire on the way to work.
And he gets run over by a hoard of angry children.
…
And he wakes up one day with no more pairs of clean underwear.
I am not evil, Todoroki reminds himself on a daily basis. I am justifiably petty.
Mineta bets on himself, of course. He is a little unsure on what he can do since his general advice of “Go for the boobs!” unfortunately does not work in this case, but he’s sure that he can beat out the likes of All Might in a seduction contest.
All Might, of course, disagrees and bets on himself. Though given the way he reacted when he had seen Midoriya and Bakugou exchange a quick kiss last week, the agency is pretty sure that they have found that the only way to kill the Symbol of Peace is for the two to do indecent things to each other in public. They’re pretty sure that if the two hugged, All Might would literally drop dead.
Iida bets on Uraraka, not because she blackmailed him or anything, n-nothing like that, but because he had seen her will and determination to play matchmaker. He has learned not to underestimate her when it comes to romance, because he has seen firsthand how she managed to turn a perfectly normal friendship between Kirishima and his two friends into one of the most dramatic, misunderstanding packed love triangle soap opera.
Kirishima—who hasn’t forgotten how every time he meets up with Kaminari and Jirou nowadays, the other two think that he’s an angsty teenager who harbors deep, forbidden feelings for both of them—bets on Uraraka as well. He figures if there’s anyone who can mess up the situation enough that shy, sweet Midoriya could seduce ball of rage Bakugou, it would be Uraraka.
Uraraka surprises them all by betting on Iida. “Give him one of your pairs of glasses,” she tells him. “You think Bakugou can resist Glasses!Deku?”
“But I don’t get any money unless you win,” Iida protests. “So why would I be motivated to do my best?”
“Iida-kun,” Uraraka says seriously. “This is not about the money. This is about helping our friend and our coworker live more happily. You want Deku-kun to be happy, don’t you?”
“Of course I do!” Iida says. “I will do my best!”
Kirishima watches as Uraraka smiles as Iida salutes her before running off. He thinks that out of everyone in this agency, even with All Might and Bakugou and Todoroki, the scariest one here is clearly Uraraka.
Todoroki’s up first. Midoriya chooses him because he’s still feeling salty from being betrayed two days ago. He figures that if he has to suffer, Todoroki will have to suffer as well.
Todoroki stares at him. “I have the least amount of experience with romance,” says Captain Obvious.
“You seem like the most normal one here,” Midoriya offers.
Todoroki ponders for a while. “I’m sure my dad still has some whips in his basement. Want me to—”
“That’s okay,” Midoriya cuts in. “I think if I tried to whip Kacchan, he would actually kill me.”
That’s a fair point, actually.
“I have an idea,” Todoroki says and the look of disbelief Midoriya shoots him is kind of rude and uncalled for. Okay, maybe he doesn’t have the greatest ideas except when it comes to pranks—because he is a prank master and he will fight anyone who says otherwise—but this one seems decent enough. “Meet me at noon tomorrow at the café we always go to.”
“Todoroki-kun, you look slightly constipated,” Midoriya says.
Todoroki pats him on the shoulder like a good friend does. “Wish me luck.”
“What?” Midoriya yelps as Todoroki takes off. “Why am I wishing you luck?”
Todoroki brings him a book and a girl the next day.
“Um,” Midoriya looks at him, but Todoroki is grimacing and holding the book away from his body like it burns. “Please don’t tell me you want me to practice seducing this girl first. While we’re in public. With you watching.”
“Oh gosh, I hope not.” The girl covers her mouth with her hand and wrinkles her nose a little bit. Midoriya’s a little offended by her reaction.
“No,” Todoroki says shortly, handing over the book to Midoriya, who eyes it curiously. “I… I sat down with my father yesterday and asked him to give me his best lines. I wrote them all down so that you can use them on Bakugou.”
Midoriya flips through and his eyes grow comically large. “Y-you think these will work?”
Todoroki nods. “He was able to become the number two hero saying stuff like this. I’m sure with your help, Bakugou might even surpass All Might.”
Midoriya still looks unconvinced but to be honest, Todoroki doesn’t want to talk about the book anymore either. It took a lot out of him yesterday just to hold a conversation with his father. They had sat down across from each other and they had almost looked like a normal family until Endeavor had opened his mouth.
Todoroki quickly gestures to the girl next to him, trying to change the subject. “This is Yaoyorozu Momo. She’s here to help.”
“Hello,” Yaoyorozu says. “He told me a little bit about the project that you’re working on. I hope I can be of help.”
“Project?” Midoriya blinks.
“Yes, he told me this project was ‘for science’,” Yaoyorozu smiles as Midoriya’s heart plummets, and he turns to glare at Todoroki, who avoids eye contact by pretending to whistle. However, he forgets that he cannot whistle and ends up just puffing at air.
“For science,” Midoriya echoes. “Of course.”
“It’s admirable!” Yaoyorozu assures him, misinterpreting Midoriya’s death glare. “I think it’s wonderful that you are working so hard. My quirk is Creation, so I think I’ll be able to assist you.”
“Creation?” Midoriya stares at her. “That’s so cool! Could you tell me a little bit—”
“Of course!” She says, and then stuffs something in his face. Midoriya stares at the fabric in horror. “I made this for you yesterday. I hope it is to your liking. It was a rather weird request though. Are you raising a pet or something like that?”
“Something like that,” Todoroki echoes.
[8/25 02:56AM] Deku: Kacchan
[8/25 02:57AM] Deku: Kacchan
[8/25 02:58AM] Deku: Kacchan
[8/25 02:59AM] Deku: Kacchan
[8/25 02:59AM] Bakugou: what the fuck do you want
[8/25 03:00AM] Deku: Open the door please
It is three in the morning and Bakugou Katsuki is dead tired.
It had been a shitty day. He woke up in the morning only to discover that he had no more clean pairs of underwear. After he finally got outside, he found that his tires had been popped—it just reeked of the half-and-half-dumbass-fucker—and to make matters even worse, a hoard of children had run him over because of course that was the proper way to ask for an autograph.
He can’t be charged with manslaughter if he’s justified, right?
And when he finally got to work, he found out that his boyfriend was off parading with that strawberry-shortcake-pokeball.
I’m not sulking, Bakugou thinks to himself as he stomps back to his room, tripping up the stairs in the process. I am justifiably angry.
He gets no texts from Midoriya throughout the day, so when the first one comes at 2:56AM, he thinks he has the right to ignore it. He’s a strong, independent man. He will hold his ground when he’s angry, no matter how persuasive his boyfriend is.
Five minutes later, Midoriya is standing in his room holding a book.
While wearing a maid costume with bunny ears.
“What the fuck,” Bakugou says, and Midoriya thinks that sums up the situation perfectly.
“This is for science,” Midoriya says, and then opens the book. “Did you just fart?”
“Deku, if you don’t fucking explain in two seconds, I’m going to—”
“Because you just blew me away,” Midoriya responds calmly.
There is five seconds of dead silence when Bakugou just stares at him like he just turned into All Might.
“No?” Midoriya says, as if he hadn’t just dropped the worst pickup line in history. He flips the page. “If I could rearrange the alphabet, I’d put U and I together.”
“Why don’t I put you and that book together in a mental facility?” Bakugou growls out.
“This is for science,” Midoriya reminds him. “Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again?”
“Holy shit, it’s three in the morning,” Bakugou says, rubbing his eyes. “I do not fucking deserve this.”
“Hi, how do you like your eggs in the morning? Scrambled or fertilized—oh wow. Um. I don’t think fertilized is an option, so I guess we’re going with scrambled.”
“THAT’S IT!” Bakugou screams at him, chucking a pillow at him. “GET OUT! GET—”
“I have a tail,” Midoriya offers helpfully. “I think it moves a little. Do you want to see it?”
“Yeah, I do,” says Bakugou.
The next day, Todoroki receives the book back.
“If your dad ever asks why he’s so bad with people in general,” Midoriya says. “This is why.”
Kirishima is up next.
“Bakugou likes Dog,” he says. “I dunno. Maybe you should take some inspiration.”
“You want me to take inspiration from your cat,” Midoriya says flatly, because isn’t it a little weird that he’s being told to learn seduction from an animal? “Don’t you have any more normal suggestions?”
“It’d be super manly!”
“It wouldn’t be manly at all.”
“That’s true. It’d be super catly then.” Kirishima shrugs and Midoriya’s cringes a little at Kirishima’s attempt at a pun. “Dog’s obviously doing something right if Bakugou likes him. Maybe you could lie on him too. Cuddle with him, all that romantic stuff.”
Midoriya wants to point out that Bakugou already likes him enough, and the point of this exercise was not to become friends or something, but to seduce Bakugou, which he really hopes that Dog isn’t doing. He doesn’t think that he could possibly be more disappointed in Bakugou than if he was seduced by a feline.
Kirishima rummages through his bag and pulls out a couple items and hands them to him. “Want some of these?”
“Why do I always have to be an animal?” Midoriya mumbles to himself, but takes the items anyways.
Bakugou wakes up with a mop of green hair in his face and a boy clinging to him like a koala.
“Holy fuck, Deku, it’s four.” He rubs at his eyes, swatting away Midoriya’s hair. “How the hell did you even get in my room?”
“Window,” Midoriya says.
“We’re on the tenth floor.”
“Climbed,” Midoriya supplies.
“You’re a fucking monster.”
“No, I’m actually a cat. Meow.”
Bakugou blinks away his bleariness and glares at him. “What the fuck? First a bunny and now a cat? What are you, going through some sort of existential crisis or something?”
“Probably,” Midoriya mumbles. He tries to remember how Dog behaved when he last visited Kirishima’s house but the only thing that comes to mind is Dog coughing up hairballs. He doesn’t really think throwing up on Bakugou’s face will get him anywhere except the afterlife.
He doesn’t even know why Bakugou likes Dog. Probably because his only other options in that house are ‘shit-for-brains’ and ‘scarface-motherfucker’. “Rub my belly, Kacchan.”
“Deku, I have to get up at eight tomorrow to work customer service. Get that stop-sign-bastard to fulfill your weird ass kinks.”
“…really? You’d let Todoroki-kun rub my belly?”
“Fuck no. I’ll kill him.”
“Oh,” says Midoriya, lifting his head slightly so that Bakugou can see the collar around his neck. “Then I guess letting him see this is not okay either?”
Bakugou stares.
Kirishima looks over the next day, squinting at the collar and the tag that says ‘He’s fucking mine, dumbass!’. “Midoriya, man, when I said to use Dog as an inspiration, I didn’t mean for you to literally become a cat.”
Bakugou doesn’t know why he has been subjected to customer service.
Okay, so maybe he does know. Maybe he did destroy some rich guy’s mansion. That bastard had it coming. And maybe there was collateral damage, but what-fucking-ever. He got the asshole arrested and who cares that the building was in shambles? So maybe the rich guy’s family was in there, but it’s not like he hit anything important anyway. He was doing society a favor.
And so maybe he did blame All Might after the incident, but really, it was All Might’s fault. What did he expect when he sent his most explosive employee to deal with a noble-stuck-up-shit who had a vendetta against heroes and spouted the dumbest shit?
But of course, since All Might is flawless and can make no mistakes, he gets off scotch free and sends Bakugou to the convenience store to ‘reflect on his actions.’
Fuck All Might, seriously.
How the hell is he supposed to do any self-reflection here when people are coming up to him and returning half eaten bags of chips? “It’s to work on your self-restraint,” All Might had told him, and Bakugou thinks he’s doing very well in that department when he manages to not murder that fucking shitstain who dropped a bottle of wine on the floor and then complained to him about hazardous shopping conditions.
Not to mention he’s apparently not allowed to see Midoriya during the day, because fuck All Might.
“Hey,” says a young man, swaggering up to the cashier, probably thinking that he looks cool or something. He ignores all the death aura Bakugou is trying to send his way. Bakugou redoubles his efforts. “Do you know where I can find the yogurt?”
“There are signs everywhere in the store,” Bakugou says flatly. “Are you fucking blind?”
The man stares at him. “Do you know what customer service is?”
“Yeah, it’s to sit here and let the customers service themselves,” Bakugou glares. “You got a problem?”
“I think you’re the one with the problem, buddy—” The guy stops and stares. “Wait, aren’t you Kacchan of Explodo-Kills?”
“…what the fuck? Don’t call me Kacchan. You American-flag-wannabe’s friend or something?”
“Um, who?”
“That Youtube-logo-fucker.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” The guy laughs, seemingly not frightened by Bakugou’s vocabulary. “I know Kirishima though. You know Kirishima?”
“No.”
“I’m Kaminari,” the guy continues, ignoring Bakugou completely. “I’m sure Kirishima has talked about me a couple of times before, yeah?”
“Never heard of you in my life.”
The guy leans forward, encroaching on Bakugou’s personal space. “Hey, so, uh, you know, I heard that Kirishima is heartbroken because I rejected him a week ago. I mean, not that he’s not cool or whatever, but he wanted some sort of threesome with me and my other friend, Jirou, and that’s like not really my thing. But yeah, just wanted to know if he was okay.”
“He was slobbering over his cat the other day. I’m sure he’s fucking peachy.”
“Oh, awesome! That’s nice to know.” Kaminari gives him a thumbs up and turns to the door. “Thanks!”
“You fucker, don’t think I don’t notice that granola bar in your pocket that you didn’t pay for.”
[8/28 03:26PM] Bakugou: do people like me more if im rude to them
[8/28 03:26PM] Bakugou: the ruder i am the more people flock to me
[8/28 03:27PM] Bakugou: should i fucking be all sunshine and rainbows
[8/28 03:27PM] Bakugou: why wont people leave me alone
[8/28 03:28PM] Bakugou: …
[8/28 03:28PM] Bakugou: fuck all might
“Young Midoriya!” All Might says. “I heard that you might need some help with becoming better friends with Young Bakugou!”
“Better friends,” Midoriya echoes, and he swears that if he gets ‘The Talk’ from All Might he’s actually going to throw up in his mouth a little. “Yeah.”
“I suppose I am not the best person to ask for this,” All Might rubs his chin. “I heard Endeavor has more experience with these matters. Would you like me to contact him?”
Midoriya thinks of the pickup lines of doom. “I’ll pass.”
“Hmm.” All Might says. “You have to ignore him.”
“Who?”
“Young Bakugou. I always ignored all ladies who were after my attention. I focused solely on my work and the more I ignored them, the more my popularity grew!”
“That might have to do with your increasing fame,” Midoriya mumbles to himself.
“Even the most prideful people like it when people chase them!”
“You want Kacchan to chase me,” Midoriya repeats flatly. “We’re talking about the same person? Bakugou Katsuki? The boy who is currently taking anger management lessons?”
“Of course! He’s doing some community service right now, so he should have plenty of time to ponder over how much he misses your company! So tonight, when he cannot stand being away from you any longer, he will come to appreciate your company! And then the two of you can become better friends!”
In hindsight, Midoriya probably should’ve thought a little harder about whether or not to trust All Might when it came to romantic matters.
“Hey Kacchan.”
“Holy shit, fuck my life,” Bakugou sputters as he is rudely jolted awake for the third time this week. “Deku, there’s a fucking lock to my room for a reason.”
“Let’s talk.”
“You ignored me the entire day and now that it’s three in the morning, you suddenly decide that this is the best time to talk?” Bakugou blinks blearily at him. “You better not be in a fucking turtle costume or I’ll blast it off of you.”
“As romantic as that sounds, no,” Midoriya says wryly. “I’m just Deku today.”
“Alright, just Fucking Deku.” Bakugou sits up. “What the hell is it today? Get it over with so I can go back to sleep. I still have to work behind that shitty cashier tomorrow and fix up the store since that shitty-pikachu-wannabe-punk short-circuited the entire store today.” He pauses, and then adds as an afterthought, “Fuck All Might.”
Midoriya holds out his hand to him. “Kacchan.”
Bakugou stares at it. “You broke into my room. At three in the morning. To hold hands.”
“No.” Midoriya looks at him and gives him a wink, though he’s not very good at winking, so he just ends up squeezing his eyes shut. He can’t see though, so he just kind of squints at Bakugou. “Chase me, Kacchan.”
“…what the fuck?”
“Chase me!” Midoriya says in a high-pitched voice and then prances out the door.
“What the fuck, Deku?!” Bakugou hollers at his now empty room. He wants to go back to sleep but there’s no way that he can sleep again after this. That elusive feeling of drowsiness has already been washed away, and holy shit, Bakugou Katsuki is a good, upstanding citizen. He did not deserve this. “You wake me up at three in the morning for this bullshit?!” There is no answer and Bakugou feels his anger levels rising exponentially. He knows Midoriya is still somewhere in their house, probably prancing around on whatever drug he’s on. “You want me to chase you? I’ll chase you alright! You better hope I don’t catch you because I’ll blast your face in!”
“Do you, perhaps, think that you are not taking the right approach?” Iida asks him the next day.
Midoriya stares at him flatly. “You think?”
Iida’s up next, which is good. Iida seems normal compared to the rest of them. Midoriya’s not really sure he has much experience when it comes to romance, but after everything’s he’s been forced to do for the past week, he figures that Iida is a breath of fresh air.
Iida follows through Uraraka’s advice and gives Midoriya glasses. Corrections: he gives Midoriya multiple pairs of glasses. Apparently glasses is an easy yet effective way to spice up someone’s appearance, so Iida figures that having more than one pair will only help Midoriya’s chances.
Not that he particularly wants Midoriya to succeed. The two of them already perform PDA too much for his liking! Sometimes they hold hands at work, or Midoriya sits in his lap during lunch, or they sometimes even! Kiss! It is unbecoming for heroes to display such affections publicly. He is happy, of course, that the two of them have each other—well, he is happy that Midoriya is happy, but he would prefer if the other person wasn’t Bakugou Katsuki, but eh, you win some you lose some—but such sacred acts should only be performed in privacy! If he ever got the opportunity to have someone special to him, he would only hold their hand in the privacy of their bedroom! He would make sure to stand at least five feet away from them in public at all times!
Iida thinks about his brother. He loves his brother very much. His brother is perfect, and he aspires to be like him. He hopes that he will be able to help Bakugou become more like Midoriya. But then he remembers that stunt Midoriya pulled on the Ferris wheel a month ago and maybe having a Bakugou-Midoriya fusion is not the best idea.
“I love my brother, especially when he showers me with praise,” Iida says earnestly. “He buys gifts for me, and those are amazing, but there is nothing better than being told that he is proud of me.”
Midoriya blinks at him. “You want me to seduce Kacchan by showering him with praise?”
“Yes!” Iida says. “Seduce him just like my brother has seduced me!”
Midoriya pats his arm. “Iida-kun, you pure soul.”
Bakugou is waiting for him when he climbs through the window.
“Took you long enough,” he says gruffly. “You always come at weird ass hours so I took a nap earlier.”
“Kacchan,” Midoriya says, just a little touched, and he feels a little bad about everything he has forced Bakugou to endure over the last week.
“Don’t Kacchan me. Whatever. Let’s just get this over with—what the hell, why the fuck are you wearing a glasses necklace? You couldn’t become an animal, so you’re trying to become inanimate objects now?”
Midoriya shrugs and the glasses smack against his neck and it kind of hurts a little. “It’s trending.”
“Yeah fucking right.”
“You wouldn’t know anything about that, though.”
Bakugou growls and grabs one of the glasses. “Don’t test me, Deku.”
“Sorry, sorry.” Midoriya pushes up the pair of glasses he’s currently wearing just like Iida taught him. He tries to give his best stern face, but he ends up just kind of scrunching his nose a little bit and going cross-eyed. He hopes he looks scary and intimidating. “Sit down. I have gifts for you.”
Bakugou sits back down obediently, but not before Midoriya hears him murmur “You have some weird fucking kinks.”
Midoriya remembers that Iida had told him that to properly court someone, he needed to woo them with gifts. He hands Bakugou a pack of underwear that he had bought at the store earlier. “Here, this is for you first.”
Bakugou glares at him. “I’m not wearing girl underwear to fulfill your sick fantasies.”
“You don’t have to,” Midoriya shrugs. “You can re-gift it or something. I don’t mind.” He pulls out another two packs. “Oh, I have these too because it was buy two get one free.”
He remembers Iida’s other advice and moves forward to pat Bakugou’s head. “Good boy.”
Bakugou gapes at him. “Alright, that’s it. What fucking drugs have you been doing? You’ve been fucking high this whole week.”
“I’m just high… on love.” Midoriya tries. It falls kind of flat. Alright, so maybe he’s not as smooth as Endeavor is. He’s getting there though.
He didn’t really know what other gifts to get Bakugou so he just has a pile of unused money, which he throws at Bakugou’s face instead. “Has anyone ever told you that your muscles are really nice? They’re really nice. And… your hair! It’s so… spiky. And… um. You’re very passionate! Are you in love with me yet?”
“What do you fucking think?!”
“Did I charm you off your feet?” He pushes up the glasses again, not missing the fact that Bakugou’s eyes zeroed in on the movement. Okay, so on the bright side, the glasses seem to be a success. He throws another pile of money at Bakugou. “Do you feel your heart beating faster?”
“I’ll blast you out the window.”
“Oh,” Midoriya says. “Does that mean that it’s probably not a good time to mention that I got all this money from your bank account?”
Todoroki wakes up the next morning to someone smashing his doorbell in.
Kirishima is singing off tune in the shower, so Todoroki drags himself out of bed and nearly trips over Dog, who had strategically placed himself to be able to kill Todoroki the second he got out of bed. He glares at the animal, who just yawns and he swears it smirks at him. He can’t believe even his cat has gotten corrupted by Bakugou Katsuki.
The doorbell rings again and Todoroki sighs. It is a Saturday, and ever since he’s moved out of his father’s house, he wakes up at one on the weekends. He squints at the clock on his way to the door and notices that it is ten. He can’t even remember the last time he got up before noon. Nothing good ever comes before noon.
He opens the door and sees Bakugou Katsuki smiling at him and he didn’t deserve any of this.
“Hey,” Bakugou says, and he’s still smiling, except Todoroki knows that he is probably planning world domination or something. “Rough night?”
Todoroki just stares at him because yeah, maybe he did use Bakugou’s credit card to buy a whip online last night sent directly to him, but Bakugou shouldn’t have gotten the item yet, so he doesn’t know why he’s here.
Bakugou doesn’t seem to be expecting an answer anyway. “Well,” he says cheerfully. “It’s a lovely day, so if you’ll excuse me, I have to go enjoy my day off.”
“You don’t have the day off. You have to work at the convenience store.”
“Shut the fuck up, you moldy tomato!” Todoroki barely dodges the explosion aimed at his face, and that’s more like it. But then Bakugou takes a deep breath and then schools his expression into that creepy smile of his yet again. “Have a nice day! Remember to go outside and get some exercise and fresh air. It’s a waste to spend all day cooped up indoors.”
Todoroki slams the door in his face.
He tries to forget about the weird visit, because, well, it’s from Bakugou and everyone knows that nothing good ever comes out of his mouth. The last time they ended up following Bakugou’s advice, they were on a fishing trip and ended up using Mineta as bait.
Todoroki picks up his father’s book again—he’s been trying them out on Yaoyorozu, who he is pretty sure is judging him, but he can never tell behind those polite expressions of hers—and tries to spend the day in peace and cringe.
But of course, nothing ever goes right in his life.
Kirishima hollers from the front door, “Todoroki, why do we have women underwear all over our lawn?!”
And then there were two.
“Repeat after me, Deku-kun,” Uraraka says, eyes glinting in a way that reminds Midoriya of Hatsume Mei a few seconds before she ruins someone’s life. “Tsundere.”
“Tsundere.”
“Yandere.”
“Yandere.”
“Kuudere.”
“Is this… is this really that important?” Midoriya asks from beneath the huge pile of shoujo manga she keeps piling on him.
“Oh shush. Who’s the expert here? Oh, this one looks good.” Uraraka adds another manga to the pile. Midoriya refrains from saying that he has more love experience than any of these so-called ‘experts’ that are trying to help him and he knows that the only reason Uraraka is here is because she wants him to buy manga for her.
She opens one of them up and flips to a page, shoving it into Midoriya’s face. “See this girl right here? This is you. And this guy right here is Bakugou.”
Midoriya squints at it. “That’s a very out of character Kacchan. It’s almost like… he’s an entirely different person.”
She waves him off and pushes the issue into his hands. “Bakugou should be working across the street right now at the convenience store. Why don’t you go talk to him? I’ll let you know when I’m done reading this issue so don’t come back until then.”
“Can I… change first?”
“Of course not. To be able to become a character, you need to first wear the character.”
“What does that even mean?”
Uraraka shrugs, pushing him out the door. Midoriya consoles himself, as he walks across the streets to stares and whispers, that at least this was better than whatever strip dance Mineta no doubt had planned for him.
Bakugou is sitting behind the counter when Midoriya walks in, trademark scowl on his face as he tries to ignore the blonde haired customer chatting excitedly.
“Kacchan,” Midoriya calls. Bakugou turns toward him and grimaces.
“Fucking Deku. I should’ve expected this weird shit,” he mutters under his breath, though it doesn’t escape Midoriya’s notice that Bakugou can’t seem to keep his eyes off of him. He twirls around a bit and Bakugou’s eyes follow his every movements.
Well.
At least one of them seems to be enjoying this.
“Oh, you didn’t tell me you had a girlfriend,” the guy smirks at Bakugou, and then squints at Midoriya. “Er, or is it guy friend who is wearing a skirt? I can’t actually tell.”
“Shut the fuck up, Pikachu.”
“I’ve told you so many times already. It’s Kaminari! Kah. Me. Nah. Ree.” He frowns when there’s no response and waves his hand in front of Bakugou’s face. “Hello, anyone there? Ugh, you’re so whipped.”
Midoriya opens the manga that he brought with him, scanning the page for the girl that he’s supposed to be emulating. He looks around, trying to find something not that expensive, and settles for a bag of chips, which he flings at Bakugou’s face.
“It’s not like I like you or anything,” Midoriya recites and tries to copy the hair flip, but his hair is too short and he just ends up whacking himself in the eye. “Ow.”
There is silence. Bakugou just stands there, the bag of chips still on his face. Midoriya can’t remember the last time Bakugou was quiet for this long. The Kaminari guy breaks the silence, pointing at Bakugou and guffawing loudly, because that was definitely the best course of action in the situation.
Bakugou slowly removes the bag of chips from his face, smiling at Midoriya, not in the nice way that he kind of attempts to do before they kiss, but that creepy way that says that he’s going to kill everyone close to you, and probably all their dogs too.
“Deku,” Bakugou says, exploding the bags of chips with a loud crunch, which is probably how Midoriya is going to die as well. Why did he think this was a good idea? Why did he think any of this was a good idea? “I’m going to m—”
“Kaminari, I got the water,” Kirishima announces, suddenly appearing from one of the aisles and unknowingly saving Midoriya’s life. Midoriya forgives him a little bit for the collar. “Oh hey, Midoriya! I didn’t know you were here too…” He trails off, looking from Kaminari—who has been rolling on the ground laughing—to Midoriya in his skirt to Bakugou, who is looking increasingly irate. Recognition dawns Kirishima’s face.
“Oh,” he says, looking at Midoriya, and then back to Bakugou. “Is that why you had so many pairs of women underwear to spare?”
“So,” says Mineta. “You’ve come.”
Midoriya just wants to go home and sleep forever.
Bakugou lets him in that night. Midoriya wonders if Bakugou perhaps realized that while this was a weird experience for him, Midoriya had been suffering the most.
Bakugou huffs, but seeing how he made it through his last day at the convenience store of doom without any big incident really except for shattering the beverage fridge door—it was not his fault, really, with the way shit-for-brains and yellow-punk-puffle were flirting around the store, they were just asking for it—so he’s in a good mood.
“What is it today?” He asks, grabbing a bottle of water before plopping down on his bed. Midoriya is fidgeting with the hem of his t-shirt. “You going to be a dog or something?”
“I can get on all fours and serve you, if that’s what you want.”
Bakugou spits out the water in his mouth.
Midoriya turns bright red and looks away. “Wow. Um. It sounded better when Mineta-kun said it. Okay.”
Bakugou opens his mouth to say something, but Midoriya’s kind of scared to hear what’s going to come out of his mouth, so he quickly moves on to the next step of his plan. He’s supposed to move his hips someway, but it feels kind of awkward, so he just kind of swivels them around a bit and hopes it has the desired effect. He chances a glance at Bakugou, who just looks weirded out at his weird hip movements.
Midoriya remembers Mineta saying something about taking off his shirt slowly next, but to be honest he doesn’t really know how to do that, so he basically just rips it off himself and chucks it in a random direction.
Unfortunately, because nothing ever goes his way, his shirt lands on Bakugou’s face.
“Sorry!” Midoriya squeaks out, because Bakugou looks seriously pissed and this has to be the least sexy strip dance to have ever happened. Bakugou’s eyes zero-in on his abs and Midoriya is suddenly aware of the fact that he’s shirtless, squawks and covers his eyes. If he can’t see Bakugou, then clearly Bakugou can’t see him either. “Don’t look!”
“What the fuck, you’re the one who took off your shirt!” Bakugou yells at him. He throws Midoriya’s All Might t-shirt back at him but misses badly. “What are you going to do next, shove food in my mouth and tell me not to eat it?!”
Midoriya peeks at him from behind his fingers. “Do you feel anything right now?”
“Other than tired, cranky, and fucking pissed off?”
“Do you feel anything you don’t normally feel?” Midoriya clarifies, spinning around a bit. It makes him dizzy, so he stops, though he’s not really sure even puking in Bakugou’s room can make this experience any worse. “Does this make you feel good?”
Bakugou just stares at him as realization dawns him.
“What the fuck? Have you been trying to seduce me?”
If Midoriya’s hands weren’t busy covering his eyes, he would’ve face palmed.
It is a quiet day in the Explodo-kill agency. Everyone is still half asleep except for All Might, who has been staring into the window and combing his hair for the last ten minutes, making sure that not a single strand is out of place. He is convinced that the easiest way to stay ahead of Endeavor in the hero rankings is to have better hair than he does. So far it has worked very well, though to be honest, Endeavor’s hair is kind of a lost cause.
Todoroki is building a shrine for his father using nothing but women underwear. Unfortunately he only has half of what Bakugou scattered around their lawn because Kirishima took the other half to re-gift to Kaminari, because apparently gifting used underwear is an acceptable practice. Huh. Todoroki never knew about such joys in life. This is what he missed out on during his childhood.
Iida is reading through the pile of shoujo manga that Uraraka brought to the office. He is crying because everyone is so earnest! The pure romance between two individuals, so beautiful to watch! Even amidst the mountain of misunderstanding, rude friends and of course, the detestable rival, the couple manages to prevail over such hardship and end up living happy lives! It is truly a marvelous sight to behold!
Uraraka laughs when Iida cries when the girl in one of the shoujo mangas dies. “You know they’re fictional characters, right?” She asks him.
“They’re real in my heart!” Iida sobs.
Kirishima opens a playlist that his friend sent him, and maybe yeah it’s his fault that he should’ve checked something that Jirou sent him before putting on headphones, but he doesn’t and it ends up blowing his eardrums out. It is a terrible experience and her music taste is not manly at all and he hasn’t heard that much screaming ever since, well, ever since Bakugou was last in the office. Which was unfortunately not that long ago.
Uraraka is playing around with the whip that Todoroki bought for Bakugou. Bakugou had stormed into the office the day before screaming and trying to whip Todoroki with it. It had been all fun and games until they ended up in a rather compromising position and Midoriya had ended up taking lots of pictures and now the two of them wouldn’t even look at each other. Uraraka had ended up taking the whip because hey, free stuff was free stuff. Maybe she could sell it or something. She could probably buy a new car with the money that Midoriya’s pictures would fetch. Never underestimate fangirls.
Mineta is dancing by himself in the corner. In order to educate Midoriya on the delightfulness of strip dances, he had taken it upon himself to hire some strippers to teach him how to dance first. Can you believe how kindhearted Mineta Minoru is? He sacrificed so much time and effort all for his coworker’s sake. He had to spend all weekend with the strippers to learn how to dance! Really, Midoriya should feel downright grateful for everything that Mineta has done for him.
It is a quiet day in the Explodo-kill agency.
That is, until Bakugou Katsuki blows the door off.
He comes in, cackling gleefully. “I won, you fuckers, so pay up!”
“Won what?” Kirishima asks. Midoriya is trailing after him, smiling as well. The agency has learned that it is bad news when both of them are happy at the same time. The last time this happened, the rest of them found all the cake in the kitchen gone and a bowl of soggy cheerios on Todoroki’s desk.
“#SeduceBakugou,” says Uraraka.
“That’s right!” Bakugou says. “I’m the winner!”
“You weren’t even part of the game!” Iida protests.
“Hah?! That wasn’t in the rules! You just told Shitty Deku that whoever helped him seduce me would get the prize money, right? You never said it was only you six! Consider myself properly seduced, so hand over the money!”
There is silence in the agency.
“It’s true that we didn’t clarify that part, Young Bakugou,” says All Might. “But we weren’t expecting you to jump in either.”
“Too fucking bad!”
“How did he even seduce you? You gave him instructions on how to do that? Isn’t that weird?”
“Nothing can be as weird as your dumbass dye job, you ugly candy cane!”
“No way! Did you guys actually have sex?”
“Shut the fuck up, Purple Balls! That’s none of your business!”
“How did you even find out about this game anyway?”
“I told him,” Midoriya says sweetly, and they can feel a week’s worth of shade being thrown at them. “Kacchan and I had to suffer through a lot this week, you know? So I thought this was payback.” He goes around, taking money out of all of their wallets despite their protests. No one misses the fact that he’s taking a lot more money than what they had wagered in the first place. All Might finds his wallet returned completely empty.
“I trusted you,” Midoriya tells him.
“I… I’m sorry.”
“Bakugou,” Kirishima says as Midoriya smiles at them like he isn’t planning to murder them in their sleep. “Your boyfriend is a monster.”
Bakugou thinks of the bunny tail and the cat ears and the skirt. “I know.”
“What the fuck do you mean you’re supposed to be seducing me?!”
“It’s not my fault,” Midoriya says, putting his t-shirt back on, face still red. “Uraraka-san is kind of scary when she’s made up her mind.”
“Tch, I’ll fucking murder them.”
“Murder is not good, Kacchan,” Midoriya reminds him. “Besides, it wasn’t all bad for you, right?”
Bakugou stares at him. “It was terrible.”
“That’s not what you were saying when you saw that collar I was—” A couple of explosions go off. “Okay, okay. You hated it. Sorry.”
Bakugou leans back against the wall. “I can’t believe I lost sleep over this shit. I can’t believe you just fucking went with it.”
“Well, I wasn’t going to but they had all already put down money and looked so excited, so I felt bad.”
“Hah? Money?”
“Oh yeah, you’re supposed to pick which method you liked the best and whoever bet on that person gets paid.”
“How the fuck am I supposed to pick? I thought you were trying to imitate different freak animals all week. I wasn’t turned on at all!” Bakugou scowls. “Next time you try learning something like that, learn it properly, Shitty Deku!”
“Eh? So you want me to learn how to do a strip dance?”
“That’s not what I said! Stop putting words in my mouth! Fuck!”
Midoriya sulks a little bit, but then his eyes light up the way they do when he gets an idea. It makes Bakugou want to punch himself. “They bet a lot of money, didn’t they? We could use that money to fund a vacation to America! You were saying that you wanted to go together, right?”
“Just because you didn’t buy me that fucking All Might figurine in New York.”
“It’ll be fun!” Midoriya says, and shakes Bakugou’s shoulders. “Kacchan! Teach me how to seduce you!”
“…wow, this is all it takes?”
“Shut the fuck up, Shitty Deku!” Bakugou says, draping his arm over Midoriya as the two of them lie under Midoriya’s All Might covers next to Midoriya’s All Might figurine shelf while Midoriya’s All Might posters stare down at them from the ceiling. “Go to sleep! I haven’t had a single night of peace because of you!”
Midoriya smiles and nestles closer to him. “Night, Kacchan.”
“Night, Deku.”
“They didn’t even have sex?!” Mineta screeches.