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In the span of three hours, Barry had realized several things. One was that the office was rarely, if ever silent. Even in the middle of the night, even in a soundproof room, there was the soft hum of pipes in the building and various electronics over by the TV. Another was the fact that a sleeping Arin Hanson would be very effective as a space heater, something potentially useful to know if the heating would ever die, or if a storm hit them.
Then there were the things that he wasn’t sure if he wanted to call realizations, the things he didn’t know what to think of at all.
As Barry sat up, curled into a corner of the couch which had less Arin on it, he looked at the other man and sighed. They had done so much, Arin had done so much for him, and here he was, wide awake, feeling lost. Arin stirred, mumbling something against the pillow. Barry didn’t know if this meant he was close to waking up, but he drew the blanket further up Arin’s arm anyway, just in case he only kept warm with someone next to him.
He got off the couch, setting down his feet carefully on the floor, toeing the surface so that he didn’t step on an outstretched arm or a strand of hair.
For a moment, as he crouched down, Barry settled his palm against the floor and considered everything. There weren’t any settled sleeping arrangements, there wasn’t necessarily anything right or wrong in this situation. Barry sighed, and when Suzy turned toward him with a rustling of blankets and sheets he let his gut decide. When he lay down on the heap of blankets and pillows on the floor, he could hear his own heartbeat loud in his left ear. Slowly he pulled a blanket on top of himself and closed his eyes. He didn’t have a plan, he was either thinking too little or too much.
“Hi,” Suzy whispered.
Even if it was soft, it came so suddenly that Barry felt startled by it. He couldn’t pretend to be asleep already, maybe Suzy knew that. Barry opened his eyes, even though the darkness of the room made it difficult to see. Suzy’s hair was a dark mess of a tangle underneath her head, her left hand resting next to her pillow, Barry couldn’t see much of her facial features, but her eyes were unmistakably fixed on his.
“I figured about half the night’s passed, so for it to be fair, I had to switch,” Barry said. He smiled while he spoke, only a little bit because he was embarrassed by saying it.
“Okay,” she said, and she moved to the side to make more room for him.
Barry found her hand resting between their faces on the mattress. He wished that he could make out more of what her expression was like.
“If Arin gets cuddles, so do I,” Suzy said, again suddenly enough for Barry to blink in surprise. A pause followed, short, maybe intended for Barry to say something. The other half of Suzy’s thoughts. An almost-discussion. When there was only silence, Suzy turned around, her fingers still laced together with his as she wrapped his arm around her waist. For a moment, Barry held his breath, then as he settled onto his side, he let it out into Suzy’s hair. If he bent his head just so, he could rest his nose against the back of her neck.
In the dimness of morning, Suzy was still curled against him. Her back slightly curved, her legs bent to fit against his. Barry turned his head to look at Arin, but the blanket was neatly folded on Dan’s end of the couch and Arin was nowhere in sight. He wasn’t sure if this meant everything was good, or that he was out of a job, out of two or maybe more friendships. Barry didn’t like starting his mornings in extremes.
“Do you think I’m jobless now?” he asked Suzy’s soft, vaguely cinnamon-scented hair.
She hummed in reply, which was about what he had expected for an answer. Barry closed his eyes and breathed in Suzy’s shampoo. The audible heartbeat in his left ear had returned.
“Wait, what was that?” Suzy asked, her voice muddled and slow.
Barry smiled, because Suzy couldn’t see how sad it felt with her back turned to him anyway. “I asked you if you think I’m out of a job now?”
For a beat, Suzy was quiet. “No. I think breakfast is on it’s way,” she said, turning around fully, burying her head against Barry’s chest, her hand around his arm to keep it still around her.
“Okay,” Barry said slowly. His shoulders were stiff, and his chest warm. “Cool.”
“Cool,” Suzy said.
Barry could feel her lips against the hollow of his throat, right above the neckline of his t-shirt. He had the realization that he’d know her lips anywhere, even (strange and slow and dreamlike as it was) on himself. When Suzy looked up, she seemed uncomfortable, and Barry reached for her, resting his hand against her jaw.
“I don’t remember how to do this,” she said.
She sounded disappointed, and Barry didn’t know what he wanted to do about that. He drew in a breath, and rubbed his thumb over the dip under her bottom lip.
“That’s fine,” he said. “I know you.”
“You do,” she agreed, placing her hand over his.
Barry felt like he was drowning, or dizzy, either way with no solid ground beneath him. “I’m a bit confused,” he said, though he meant something closer to terrified.
Suzy pressed her lips against his adam’s apple, then underneath his chin, then slowly, onto his jaw. Brief, warm kisses to his skin. Kissing him.
Barry’s cheeks felt hot and he tried to look away, but Suzy was too close.
“Do you want me to stop?” she asked quietly, gently.
He looked at her, and there were a million things he could think of telling her. I never meant for this to happen. You’re my best friend and I love you. I worry that I’m fucking it all up. You’re beautiful. I don’t want this to end.
“Can I try?” he asked instead.
Suzy nodded. Her eyes shut when Barry carefully kissed her cheek, the bridge of her nose.
“Hi,” he said, his lips a fraction from hers. He couldn’t do it.
Suzy opened her eyes again. They were warm grey and crinkled at the corners. “Hi,” she said, smiling. She squeezed his hand. “It doesn’t have to be here, it doesn’t have to be now. Or ever.”
“I’m a little scared,” he said, pressing a kiss to the top of her cheekbone. Staying still, he could feel Suzy’s eyelashes brush against his skin.
“Yeah, no shit,” Suzy replied.
Barry let out a huff of a laugh, and he couldn’t help but smile widely at that. He pulled back, watching Suzy watch him with this half-amusement, half-disbelief on her face. Then just like that, Barry kissed her. He kissed her and it felt familiar. Like something he had known for years and years. It felt like a natural progression, like something they had grown toward without intent. While they were kissing, Barry took Suzy’s hand again, even though it felt like he might not ever be able to let go. That was familiar too.
“Hey,” Suzy said, nudging his cheek with the tip of her nose. “I know you."