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Tony made omelettes with the air of the recently sexually satisfied. His newest conquest smirked at him over a steaming mug of coffee. Her green eyes were glittering with mirth. Unlike many others she seemed to have no problems with staying for breakfast at the Avengers tower. Moreover, she seemed to preen under the looks of the other Avengers, and she met their eyes without shame. Tony liked her even more when she smiled and winked at Steve in a most suggestive fashion. The already flustered captain turned a deeper shade of red and squirmed in his seat. Tony always found an embarrassed Steve a special treat.
Clint was grinning and gave Tony a thumbs up when she wasn't looking. Natasha promptly elbowed him in the side but her face remained impassive as always, and Tony chose to interpret this as amusement rather than murderous intent. It helped him sleep at night and keep his sanity. Bruce and Thor weren't up yet but he was sure that the thunderer would appear soon drawn in by the smell of food.
No sooner than that thought had crossed Tony's mind he heard the booming steps of their resident demigod. The door of the kitchen flew open and Thor entered. “I bid you a fair morning, my friends!” Then he abruptly stopped face in shock as he stared at their guest.
Tony's gut clenched in sudden dread. That look on Thor's face rarely meant good things. There was a rather lengthy awkward pause before Thor resumed speaking. “Good morning, brother.”
Tony's insides turned to liquid and he felt a sudden need to sit down or to suit up. The omelettes were forgotten.
“Hello, Thor.” The woman, no Loki, Tony corrected himself, greeted back. Her entire focus resided now solely on Thor. Both Natasha and Clint had produced hidden weapons and wearily watched the two brothers ready to intervene if things turned violent.
Tony prayed to whatever higher being that was willing to listen that Thor wouldn't register that his currently female brother was wearing only one of Tony's shirts. Because Tony was so dead right now. Not only had he slept with Loki the crazy, insane, lunatic psychopath, he had also defiled Thor's little brother. Tony fully expected Thor to go medieval on his ass.
After an eternity of staring at each other Thor was the first one to break the silence. “I did not expect to find you here, brother.”
“Good. I'd hate to be predictable.” Loki smiled his most creepy smile. The one that made beings of all nine realms scramble for the nearest weapon. Tony shuddered. How could he not have seen that? The similarities of this current incarnation and Loki's usual body were suddenly striking. There were only more boobs.
Thor spoke again. “Does this mean that your madness has passed? Are you ready to end this petty quarrel?” Thor looked so hopeful it was heartbreaking.
Loki sneered at the expression. “I am not forgiving you. Maybe if another century has passed we may talk about it.”
Thor beamed like Christmas had come early or whatever the Asgardian equivalent was, Tony supposed. If he weren't so worried for his own safety, he would've felt bad for the guy. Because this was not going to end well. Then still smiling like a loon Thor announced: “These are most joyous tidings, brother! Let me hug you.” Then, with astonishing speed he proceeded to just do that. Loki was caught off guard when Thor grabbed him and crushed him against his chest. The expression on Loki's face was pure comedy gold and Tony planned to review this scene later when the terror of the moment wasn't as pressing.
“Wharrgh! Thor, no! Unhand me immediately, you oaf. I take it back. You will receive no forgiveness for at least a millennium. You will suffer for this impudence.” Then he reverted back to his usual form in all his armoured glory. A wickedly pointed knife appeared in his hand, and he rammed it promptly into Thor's side. The god of thunder let go of his brother with a surprised 'oof' and Loki vanished.
Steve rushed to Thor's side but the Norse god was still smiling and waved his friend away.
“Tis nothing but a scratch, friend Steve. Loki has not even tried to hit a vital organ.”
Thor still looked ridiculously happy while he wiped the blood away with a dishtowel, and they could all witness the speed of Asgardian healing.
Tony could no longer keep quiet as much as he dreaded drawing attention to himself in this situation curiosity won out. At least Thor wasn't wielding Mjölnir.
“Why the hell are you so happy, Thor? You just got stabbed.”
“Because my brother is finally ready to see reason and forgive me.”
“Did we even witness the same thing? He took it back.” Tony gestured wildly.
“Ah. He lied. He does that sometimes. But his actions speak louder than words. If things progress in this fashion it will be a mere decade or two before he gives up his resistance and returns to his rightful place at my side.”
Tony began to think that Loki might not be the only delusional one. “How the hell... What in this whole mess would lead you to this conclusion?”
“Firstly, we're all well and unhurt.” Thor stated somewhat smugly.
Tony had to concede that point. Encounters with Loki usually ended in much more violence and damage.
“Furthermore, he came here without even trying to disguising himself.” Tony opened his mouth in protest but Thor barrelled on regardless. “My brother's a most accomplished shapeshifter. But he still chose his favorite female form. A form that I would recognize. Truly, he wanted me to find out.”
Tony had to admit that this might make sense to Loki's crazy brain but he was slightly worried that Thor suddenly could follow these convoluted thought paths. But maybe they just never gave Thor's intelligence enough credit, or more likely Thor got infected with his brother's crazy.
Thor continued. “Lastly, his interest in you, Tony, fills me with hope. With time he might learn the merits of the people of Midgard. That he chose to lay with you shows that he no longer considers humans beneath his notice.”
That last argument didn't convince Tony. He was actually pretty sure that it didn't make any sense at all. Loki didn't have sex with him because he suddenly started caring about humans. He did it just to fuck with him. Figuratively and literally. But he was relieved about Thor's positive reaction. Even though he felt bad for the guy putting so much undeserved trust in Loki. He also felt that his next question would put this conversation in danger of rapidly devolving into more awkwardness. But he had to make sure that good, earnest Thor didn't get replaced by hammer-wielding, overprotective Thor. So he had to ask.
“So, you're not mad at me? You're not going to demand that I marry Loki or some such nonsense, because I dishonoured him or took away his virtue or whatever?”
Thor started laughing booming and loud. “My brother's no innocent maiden. And though he's not as open with his affections as I am, he had a great many dalliances over the centuries. Tony, you were hardly his first. And while I have not always agreed with Loki's choice of bed partners – especially not when he was in his experimenting phase – I think you a most suitable companion. If you choose to pursue this relationship I give you my blessing. I think you would be a good influence on my brother.”
Thor paused and a more concerned look settled on his face.
“But I must warn you if this turns serious and you hurt my brother's feelings, my wrath will not be your biggest problem. Loki is most creative in the punishment of slights against his person. He also tends to hold a grudge.”
Tony swallowed. In his worry about Thor's reaction he had forgotten that Loki was an insane, violent, psychopathic bag of daddy issues and capable of a host of truly unpleasant things.
“Ah, no offence, Thor, I feel flattered by your confidence in me and the healing powers of my cock, but I think this was a onetime deal only. Hell, I didn't even know it was Loki, otherwise I would never have touched that.”
“What!” Thor's eyes glinted dangerously. “Are you saying my brother is not good enough for you? I have you know that he is a most skilful and considerate lover. I dare you to say that you didn't leave his arms entirely satisfied.”
There was another choked sound. But this time it came from one of the other Avengers whom Tony had completely forgotten. Steve was avidly trying to look like he hadn't listened to the exchange, but his flushed cheeks and red ears gave him away. Natasha hadn't even the good graces to pretend she wasn't amused, and joy of all joys, Clint, the dirty traitor, was explaining quietly to a wide eyed Bruce what he had missed. Tony hadn't even noticed the other scientist joining them for breakfast.
“Look, Thor, I didn't mean it that way. I'm sure your brother is secretly a great guy. But I just don't think that a bit of fucking – even though I'm truly amazing at it – will bring your brother back to sanity.”
Now Thor gave him a look that Tony didn't often get. Not like he was a reckless idiot, but like he was truly, truly stupid. “Of course I do not think that. If I thought that it simply took a vigorous coupling to get my brother back, don't you think that would have been the first thing I tried?”
Now everybody was looking at Thor in various degrees of shock. Tony decided that something was really wrong on Asgard. “Uh, no? You're brothers after all.”
Thor looked at him without comprehension.
“You know. Incest.” After a moment of Thor still showing no disgust or guilt or any other normal human reactions Tony had to ask the question that was on all their minds. “Oh my God, does this mean that you actually had sex with Loki?
“Of course, he's my brother and I love him.” When Thor saw their reactions his brows furrowed and he continued. “I know laying with your siblings is not as common on Asgard as it is with our Greek cousins for example, but it is by no means unheard of. When we were very young and naïve we even talked about marriage.” Thor smiled fondly. “But we are both princes of Asgard and for us marriage is not simply a matter of love.”
“Uhm yeah. On Earth incest isn't so much tolerated.” Trust Bruce to react somewhat polite to such a situation. Tony was impressed.
“Oh.” Thor looked understanding. “Perhaps it is because your lives are so short. While my brother and I are still considered young by Aesir standards we are also very old. A thousand years is a long time. It gets boring. There's little we have not tried. It is also very common for shield brothers to share the pleasures of the flesh. I have not offered you my company because the Lady Jane has explained to me that on Midgard it is custom to only take one lover.” Thor smiled as if he considered that a peculiar quirk of humanity that he was willing to tolerate because he was a nice guy.
Awkward silence ensued.
"It could also be your feeble genetics." Thor added as an afterthought.
Tony hoped this would be the end of that discussion, and that he could now go down to his workshop and start to repress. But then wretched Bruce had to open his cursed mouth and continue this awful talk. “So, I didn't know that Asgard permitted same-sex marriages.” Tony was briefly contemplating to take away his science bro privileges.
Thor nodded. “It is rare because marriages are more for politics or for the begetting of children which usually needs a woman. But it happens.”
“Wait, did you just say getting children only 'usually' needs a woman.” This time it was Clint who asked, but Tony chose to forgive him because he kinda wanted to know the answer.
“Yes. All Aesir, and Vanir, and giants too are capable of carrying a child to term. For the conception though usually a woman is needed unless one uses magic. Since Loki is a shapeshifter he is perfectly able to conceive.”
“What? Does that mean Loki could get pregnant?” Tony felt tiny bubbles of panic build in his stomach.
“Do not worry, Tony. Since the incident with the horse Loki's been very careful. He does not enjoy being pregnant.” Thor smiled reassuringly at Tony.
Tony didn't feel particularly reassured. “The incident with the horse?” He was quite proud that he managed to keep his voice in a manly register with a minimum amount of squeaking.
“Yes. Sleipnir is the only of Loki's children where Loki is the true mother. He carried Hela to term like I would do.” Thor explained.
“So how does that work exactly?” Bruce asked with curiosity. Tony blamed it on the scientific mind.
“If the mother cannot or will not carry the babe it has to be transferred by knife or magic to another body. If the body is male the child will have to be removed again by knife or magic when it has finished growing.”
After that host of information the conversation dwindled down. Thor was still ridiculously happy about the incident and remained so throughout the rest of the day convinced it meant some major breakthrough in his relationship with his brother. The rest of the Avengers were more sceptical, but did not have the heart to tell Thor.
This night when Loki came by his room to steal a kiss, Thor knew that he was right. And when he woke up the next morning with donkey ears and 4-foot-long black eyebrows he had irrefutable proof that his brother still loved him.
Finis