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The horns of Thranduil's crown were polished to a high sheen. His golden hair fell in a a glorious wave. He arranged his robes around him on his throne. He checked himself in the mirror. 'Truly, not even Jareth the Goblin King is as fabulous as me.'
He reached out and held his husband's hand briefly, receiving a comforting squeeze from his supportive spouse.
'Come in, Legolas,' he called. Legolas entered the throne room.
'Father,' he bowed low. 'Dad.'
'Legolas, do you know why your dad and I have summoned you here?' demanded Thranduil. Legolas merely gave him a sulky look and scuffed his boots.
'Your childish crush on Tauriel has gone on quite long enough,' said Thranduil, and his husband nodded in support.
'Why do you persist in this embarrassing manner? Is this some kind of rebellion? Your father and I have always tried to be very liberal with you, but this is too much. You've fixated on her, out of spite, to reject us and all our traditions. You just think you love her because she's the only non-blond, non-asshole in the forest.'
'You're wrong, Father,' cried out Legolas. 'My love for her is pure, I love her because… because she is a woman!'
Both his dads recoiled in horror.
'No, Legolas!' cried his other dad. 'It goes against all our teachings. You cannot love a woman! An outsider! A brunette!' As his husband broke down weeping, Thranduil reached out to his son.
'Son, please. This is gross and unnatural.'
'You can't stop me, Dads. I'm straight!'
'Legolas, you're young. You still have the puffy face of youth. But one day, in the far future, you'll develop the sharp cheekbones of manhood. And then you will realise that loving women, travelling with women - even speaking with women! - is something that no true elf would ever do. Indeed, there have been only two other female elfs in all of elf history! And we never speak to either of them. Nor do they speak to each other. It is forbidden by the ancient laws of Bechdeluin, laid down in the sacred forests of the Holly Wood.'
'All the elf laws in the world cannot stop me!' cried Legolas and he fled the throne room.
'Where is Tauriel?' he demanded of a passing blond.
'Gone into the forest, my Lord, chasing the escaping dwarves.'
Legolas pursued her, determined to declare his love. He arrived just in time to display his fabulous dance moves, pirouetting seamlessly from one dwarf to the next while high-kicking orcs, in the classic courtship dance of his people. Only once did he mis-step and take a blow. He touched his hand to his nose, and gazed in horror.
'Nobody makes me bleed my own blood!'
Finally, he caught up with Tauriel.
'So, Tauriel,' he said, playing it cool. 'Perhaps you could come back to the forest with me? And, uh, be my queen?'
'Oh Legolas,' said Tauriel, blushing. 'I'm so sorry. I'm already in lesbians with the dwarf-princess Kili.'
'What?' cried Legolas. 'Kili is a woman? Are all the dwarves women? I should have known, they aren't even blond!'
'No, no,' said Tauriel. 'Only Kili. At first, I was unsure, but then I realised: small, pretty and capable of casual, friendly banter? Of course she's a woman.'
'It's because I'm an elf, isn't it?' said Legolas, petulantly.
'Oh Legolas,' said Tauriel sadly. 'All my life, I thought that I was the only non-blond. I thought that I was the only non-asshole. And now I'm not alone. There's finally someone in my life who has interests besides being really, really, really good-looking.' She gave him a small smile. 'One day, you'll find a dwarf-princess of your own to banter with, I promise you.'
Legolas turned sadly away and rode off on his white horse, leaving Tauriel and Kili on their bed of walnuts.