Chapter Text
Dean didn’t call for the first three days.
Sam was grateful for that. There was no doubt in his mind that Dean had spent much of the first day in a rage, probably shouting a lot and generally being an ass. Poor Cas, having to deal with that.
There was also no doubt in Sam’s mind that if Dean had called, Sam would’ve run home in an instant.
Not because he missed home or missed Dean; no, because he’d never been good at disobeying his brother, especially not when Dean was pissed. An angry Dean reminded him of an angry John, though, to be fair to Dean, that was more because of Sam’s rampant daddy issues than because of the resemblance between Dean and John.
On the fourth day of his absence, Dean called.
Sam didn’t answer. Dean didn’t try to call back.
A small part of Sam wondered if he shouldn’t do as Lucifer said and block Dean’s number. Throw away his phone, get a new one, and forget about everything and everyone in his old life. He could go anywhere in the world, so why bother staying in some upscale hotel, waiting for something to drag him back into hunting?
He knew that it wasn’t entirely fair to Lucifer, either. He’d promised the archangel a few days, but they hadn’t even done much besides eat, watch TV or read books, and sit in horrible, tense silence, afraid to speak. If he was being completely honest, he knew it was because Lucifer was afraid of saying anything that would scare him off, and Sam was afraid of saying something that would make it seem like he was going to be scared off. It was a thoroughly unenjoyable experience on all sides.
All of that came to a head on the fourth day.
“You didn’t answer Dean’s call.” Lucifer observed, not looking away from the TV. Sam glanced up from his laptop, shrugging.
“I don’t want to talk to him.” Sam answered shortly.
“Why not?” Lucifer asked, turning to face Sam. Sam sighed, rubbing a hand over his forehead.
“I don’t know. I don’t want to be yelled at and told I’m a terrible person and a worse brother. I don’t really want to go back to the bunker and help them hunt you down, but I don’t know if I can live my life without being a hunter. It’s what I’ve been all my life, for better or worse, and I don’t know what I’d do without it. Part of this still feels like a dream, and I’m just waiting to wake up in some shitty motel in the middle of nowhere, on a hunt. I can’t allow this to be real, so it has to be another elaborate hallucination.”
“That was...thoroughly depressing.” Lucifer remarked dryly. “Honestly, I’m a little surprised. I didn’t know you had any more alarmingly depressing speeches to give.”
Sam rolled his eyes. “Seriously, Lucifer.”
The archangel sobered up, the wry, teasing grin disappearing from his face. He nodded, worrying his bottom lip slightly in a gesture that made Sam’s heart ache.
“I want you to be happy.” Lucifer said quietly, not meeting Sam’s gaze. “If being a hunter with your brother will make you happy, then you should call him back and tell him you’re sorry.”
“I don’t think that’d make me happy.” Sam admitted, twisting his hands nervously. “You...you make me happy, Luci. But I can’t-I can’t leave things the way they are between me and Dean. We’re brothers. He practically raised me. This isn’t the relationship he deserves to have with me. It’s not-” He broke off, taking a deep, shuddering breath. “It’s not the relationship I deserve to have with him, either. I have to fix it, and I don’t think I can fix it and stay with you.”
Lucifer nodded, his face falling into an expressionless mask. Sam drew in on himself, hugging his knees. “I’m sorry, Luci. I really am. I just don’t know any way to fix this that doesn’t involve hunting you.”
“Why do you have to be the one to fix it?” Lucifer asked quietly.
“Cause I’m the one that screwed up!” Sam cried. “I’m the one who slept with the Devil and then ran off with him! I’m the one who abandoned my brother, again! Why shouldn’t I be the one to fix it?”
Lucifer shrugged offhandedly. “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe because Dean is the one who holds everything you do wrong over your head for years, or because he still doesn’t trust you, or because relationships aren’t just one person’s responsibility. Dean’s a dick sometimes too, Sam. He screws up. You’re not going to be perfect. Humans aren’t perfect. As a species, you generally suck. It’s not in your nature to be perfect.”
Sam rolled his eyes, letting out a choked laugh. “I’m trying to be honest and emotional, and you mock my species? Great way of letting me know how seriously you take this, Luci.”
“I am taking this seriously.” Lucifer said reassuringly. “There’s just only so much self-flagellating I can take before I need to lighten the mood. Honestly, Sam, you have some serious self-worth issues. It’s quite concerning.”
“Okay, well, self-worth issues aside, if possible, I want to stay with you and also fix my relationship with Dean.” Sam said.
Lucifer wrinkled his nose. “Mm. Yeah. Not possible. Best of luck to you, though.”
“Thanks.” Sam grumbled. There was a moment of silence, then Sam got up from the bed with a sigh and sat down next to Lucifer. Lucifer smiled, putting an arm around the hunter and holding him close. They stayed like that for a while, the silence stretching comfortably, watching the seemingly constant stream of commercials and bright colors on the TV screen.
“There isn’t a way to fix my relationship with Dean, is there?” Sam asked, his voice barely more than a whisper. Lucifer sighed, the arm around Sam’s shoulder tightening protectively.
“Give it time.” He said, lifting one shoulder in a half-shrug. “He’s not going to find us, and eventually, he’ll stop trying. I don’t think he’d ever give up on looking for you, but the best thing for you to do is give him time and space.”
“Mm.” Sam murmured, nuzzling closer to Lucifer. There was a moment of silence, then Sam said, “How long?”
Lucifer let out a quiet laugh. “I don’t know, Sam. It’s been a few thousand years, and Michael still hasn’t improved. You’ll have to be the judge of that.” Sam groaned, his shoulders slumping. Lucifer laughed. “Sorry, Sammy. That’s just how it is sometimes.”
Six months later
“Hello, Sam. It’s been about six months since you left. Dean and I are doing well. We received your package last week. I thought it was rather amusing, but Dean didn’t seem to find it nearly as funny. He had asked that Lucifer please not send him yearly subscriptions to Busty Asian Beauties. If it’s any consolation, I very much enjoyed the bee sweater, though it’s far too warm to wear under my coat. I sent you a package in return, though I’m not entirely sure whether the post office will be able to find you. Please ask Lucifer to keep an eye out for it. Sincerely, Castiel.”
“Think they’ve gotten together yet?” Lucifer asked, his head dangling off the end of the bed. Sam shrugged, turning to the side to plant a kiss onto his boyfriend’s cheek.
“I hope so. Dean needs Cas in his life. Hopefully he’s pulled his head out of his ass and realized that he’s hopelessly in love with him.”
“Sickening.” Lucifer remarked dryly, wrinkling his nose. Sam snorted.
“Yeah, you’re one to talk, Mr. Pampers-His-Boyfriend-Constantly.”
“Hey, shut up.” Lucifer retorted, without any heat. Sam laughed.
“Do you think we’ll ever actually go visit them?” Sam asked, his laughter fading.
Lucifer shrugged. “I think letters and packages are good for now. That was a good idea you had, to send them stuff. It’s a good system. We send them things, they send us things, we talk over letters and keep in touch. Don’t mess with it.”
“If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it?” Sam quipped. Lucifer inclined his head.
“Yeah, if that’s how you want to approach it, then yes.” He said, shrugging. “They haven’t sent us a letter bomb yet, so I think it’s safe to say that the anger has gone. Don’t know how they’d feel about seeing us in person, though. Best not to risk it.”
“Yeah, I guess.” Sam said, a little disappointed. They’d started sending the packages three months ago. They hadn’t gotten a reply until about a month and a half ago, and thankfully, the letter enclosed merely read; “Got your package. Thanks. Stay safe. -Dean and Cas.” It wasn’t much, but it was a start, and over the last month, the letters had gotten longer, occasionally even with personal details slipping in. They still hadn’t officially apologized to each other, but they were at least talking. It didn’t quite make Sam’s guilt disappear, but it had certainly helped to assuage it.
“Hey, come on.” Lucifer said, nudging Sam slightly. “Cheer up. Things are improving. You’ve started talking again, Cas is still unreasonably obsessed with bees, and judging by Dean’s refusal of Busty Asian Beauties, I’d say he’s got other things to fulfill his needs.” Lucifer winked knowingly. Sam groaned.
“I still can’t believe you sent him those.”
“I couldn’t resist.” Lucifer said, without an ounce of shame. “I would’ve loved to see the look on Castiel’s face when he opened that box. Do you think he thought it was for him?”
“No, I don’t think so.” Sam laughed. “I think we’re all well aware of Dean’s, uh, preferences in porn.”
“Mm.” Lucifer murmured, nodding thoughtfully. “Maybe I should send him hentai next time.” Sam nearly choked on his laughter, laughing loud enough that Lucifer raised an inquiring eyebrow at him.
“I’ll pay you to send him hentai.” Sam choked, wiping his eyes. “It’ll be worth it for him to try to explain it to Cas.” Lucifer smirked, basking in Sam’s happiness. Sam’s laughed eventually died down, and he leaned against Lucifer, closing his eyes. They sat like that, in silence, for a while, the sound of their breathing the only audible thing in the room.
“You know, I didn’t picture this being how I’d end up.” Sam said quietly. Lucifer stirred slightly next to him, but didn’t speak, silently prompting Sam to continue. “Dean and I have always sort of known that we won’t live to be old. Hunting doesn’t exactly have the best life insurance, y’know? We’re all expected to die pretty early, and that’s standard,and we’re okay with it. But now...I don’t know, now it’s like I actually have the rest of my life before me instead of wondering if this hunt will be the last one I ever do, or if I’m going to get murdered in my sleep and never get to say good-bye to the people I care about. I mean, obviously that could still happen to me, but you’ve given me at least an extra five years, and that’s...amazing. A lot can happen in five years. So...thanks, I guess.”
“My pleasure, Sammy.” Lucifer said, smiling. Sam smiled back, nuzzling closer to the archangel. Sam closed his eyes, fully intending to spend the rest of the afternoon pleasantly dozing next to Lucifer. He was just about to drop off when Lucifer spoke.
“Are you happy?” Lucifer asked, his voice carefully nonchalant. Sam smiled. Lucifer had been asking him that a lot over the past few months, springing it on Sam abruptly to catch him off guard and see how he’d react.
“Yes, Luci.” Sam replied, leaning forward to kiss the archangel. “I’m happy.”