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Yolanda was dancing in the family kitchen when Dizzee came into the room. He looked like someone who’d just been told his only chance for survival lay in his ability to beat Cadillac in a dance off. To put it simply he looked like shit.
Yolanda sighed and took the needle off the record player. She’d been enjoying the record. Mylene had lent her the Misty Holloway Far Far away remix, the one Zeke had given her, but this was more important.
Her brother was upset. She had to check that there was nothing she could do before she’d feel okay with finishing the record. She scooted over to him and punched him in the arm.
“You look like hell. What’s eating you?”
Dizzee looked at her and ignored the question. “That the Pakoussa remix?”
Yolanda frowned. “Yeah, why?”
Dizzee shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Just didn’t know you liked him that much and that record is a nightmare to find according to Zeke.”
“You kidding me Dizz? I swear Mylene met him one time and I’ve never wanted to take over someone else’s mind as much in my life. Like that girl in your comics. What’s her name? The red head?”
“Jean Grey? Careful Yolanda she went evil and died not long ago.”
“Seriously?”
“Yeah killed a planet and everything.”
They lapsed into silence. Yolanda considered breaking it and was about to ask again what was bothering her brother when Dizzee, eyes on his hands in his lap, broke the silence.
“I’ve met him, Pakoussa, I mean. A few times actually. Got to do one of the walls in his club a few months ago.”
Yolanda’s jaw dropped. “No fucking way. How’d you manage that?”
Yolanda stared at her brother. How the hell had he gotten close enough with Pakoussa that he’d let Dizzee decorate on of his clubs? DJ’s were meticulous about things like that so they must know each other well or there was no way Dizzee would be doing that.
And come to think of it how in hell was this the first she was hearing about this? She knew that if she’d been the one to meet Pakoussa she would have been telling anyone who’d listen about it. And that was just if she’d met him not if she got trusted to decorate part of his club.
“Uh that was actually your doing. I gave him a copy of your record. You know the one Mylene gave me. Um yeah that was it. I guess.”
“You gave him our record. Did he like it? Did he play it? When was this? Hold up, you just went up to him and gave him the record? And he didn’t tell you to piss off? No, start at the beginning.”
“Well I mean. I didn’t actually give him the record. I gave it to … to a friend who knew Pakoussa and passed it on.”
“Knew?” Dizzee seemed to stiffen for a second before he answered.
“Yeah. I mean, they slept together.”
Yolanda blinked. Wait. She’d thought, well she’d heard from Jackie that Pakoussa was gay. That meant that if Dizzee’s friend had slept with him then… She’d always known Dizzee ran with a more interesting out there group of artists but she’d never thought. Suddenly a realisation hit her like a bolt from the blue and the whole conversation made sense.
“Oh my god Dizzee. Did you sleep with Pakoussa? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?”
Dizzee’s head jolted up like a marionette’s, eyes wide. He took one look at Yolanda’s face and burst into peals of laughter. Yolanda glared.
“This isn’t funny Dizzee. I can’t believe you didn’t tell me. I’m wounded.”
She continued to glare as Dizzee pulled himself together. “Sorry. I just… I forgot you’d, you know you’d be aware of that and not care.”
Yolanda stopped glaring. “Oh. Oh Dizzee, of course not. You’re my brother nothing is going to change that ever. I love you.”
Dizzee smiled. “So this girl Ra is convinced you’re seeing. It’s a boy isn’t it. That’s why we haven’t met her isn’t it?”
He nodded and Yolanda felt her heart pinch at the idea that Dizzee had just known he couldn’t tell them. Yeah that was going to change. Even if he didn’t tell the rest of the family she was going to do her damnedest to make sure her brother knew he could talk to her about this.
“Yeah. Sorry to disappoint but I haven’t actually slept with Pakoussa. But um that friend I mentioned who gave him the record. Yeah we’re together. For about a year now. He’s called Thor. Don’t mention it to anyone else. I mean only you and Shao know. I haven’t told anyone else.”
Yolanda was surprised. Shao? Why on earth would Dizzee tell that hothead this and not her? She pushed that thought aside. If Dizzee had told Shao and not her clearly she had fucked up somehow. She made a mental note to make sure she made it clear to her brother nothing had changed and to make sure she didn’t do something that made him think otherwise.
“You gonna tell the others?”
Dizzee shrugged. “I think so. Ma’s been hinting that she wants to meet ‘the girl I’m seeing’ and it’s only a matter of time before they figure it out, right? I mean better to choose when that happens. You think they’d be okay with it?”
Yolanda considered it for a second. Ra wouldn’t be a problem. Boo might take some time but she was certain he’d come round within a week if that. Ma? She knew their mother loved them all more than anything and she’d never heard her say anything that implied she wouldn’t be. Pops would probably be so relived it wasn’t gangs that was keeping Dizzee out late he’d forgive anything.
“I think so but it’s up to you big brother. I mean you’d know better than I would. I can put out feelers if you want? Bring up the subject see what they think?”
“That’d be wonderful. I’ll let you know if I decide to.”
Yolanda nodded. “I got your back on this Dizz. Just promise me one thing?”
He nodded and Yolanda was suddenly reminded of the time she’d broken several of Ma’s Christmas ornaments. He’d helped her clear it up and they’d created a pact of silence to never reveal which one of them had done it. This had the same conspiratorial feel. She wondered if that ability to immediately group together that appeared among siblings grew or faded over time.
“Next time you’re going out to Pakoussa’s club you gotta let me come with you.”
~~~
Dizzee was sitting on the kitchen table drawing planets on his jeans when Adele came back from the shops. He immediately jumped off the table and grabbed a bag out her hand.
Huh, she thought at that speed either he’d done something and was trying to curie her favour or he was about to do something and was stocking up on good will.
Better to jump straight into it then. “What did you do Dizzee?”
He looked up for filling the fridge at the question. They hadn’t really spoken one on one since that day she’d confronted him about his nails. They were still painted a deep blue that she knew Yolanda didn’t own.
Not a break up then. But he was so clearly nervous about the coming conversation. A small voice at the back of her mind voiced the worst option.
What if Dizzee had got her pregnant? Adele studied her eldest son worriedly. If that was the case either he was trying to tell her there’d be a baby in the family soon or he was going to ask her to help him pay for an abortion.
Dammit. She’d hoped that maybe if she was lucky she wouldn’t have to worry about that till Boo-Boo got older. Looks like the Kipling luck had shot that hope.
Dizzee shuffled uncomfortably under her scrutiny. He looked more nervous then she’d seen him in years though it was clear he was trying to hide it. Adele wondered if she had been as bad at disguising her emotions from her own mother or if she had just gotten good at reading Dizzee’s moods in order to understand his musings.
“Remember how you said you wanted to meet the artist I’m seeing, and I said when I was ready I’d introduce you. Well I think it’s time.”
Finally, Adele thought. If she was honest with herself, it had been an interesting challenge to her self-control not to pester Dizzee about meeting her. She knew and had had it proved to her on many occasions that allowing her children the space they needed and letting them come to her in their own time was the best way to get anything out of them. If she pushed them they’d clam up and she’d never hear anything about their lives.
So, she’d reeled in her curiosity and waited and it had worked.
She smiled at her eldest son and nodded. “Of course. What about next week? Thursday? She can come round to family dinner.”
Dizzee nodded. “Yeah that might be the best way.”
That’s odd. She thought he’d be happier about that. It was his idea to introduce her after all. She pushed the thought aside. It could wait. If there was a problem, then he’d tell her.
“Ma” Adele noted the tremor in her son’s voice but gave him the curtesy of not acknowledging it. “I just want to warn you. This… This artist I’m seeing. I don’t think they’ll be quite what you expect.”
Adele paused. What the hell did that mean? She was about to ask but the look on Dizzee’s face made her pause. This wasn’t the time for this. Her son was asking for her support when he introduced this person to the family and she loved her son. Nothing and no one would change that.
“Dizzee love. You know whoever they are we’ll love them because they love you and they are important to you okay? We’re your family. We’ve got you.”
Dizzee nodded and opened the fridge and went back to restocking it. Adele watched him for a moment. He was growing up so quickly. She was going to have to warn Winston Dizzee was bringing a white girl to dinner next week. It looked like it’d be an interesting experience.
~~~
Shao had been expecting this visit since that night at Thor’s flat. He was surprised it had taken Dizzee so long to get round to it. Maybe he’d been working up the courage. Maybe he’d gotten tired of waiting for the other shoe to drop and for Shao to come to his senses and tell the rest of the brothers what he knew.
Not that he would of course. Shao’d be the last person to do that. Though he supposed Dizzee couldn’t be sure of that.
He’d just found this family he wasn’t going to be the one to tear it apart especially over something like Dizzee being a -. Shao stopped himself. He wasn’t going to tear it apart over Dizzee just being Dizzee.
Better.
Shao didn’t have much experience with family but he knew you weren’t meant to look at them with that look that Dizzee had given him when he’d discovered Thor and Dizzee together.
He knew that because it was the same look he gave Annie whenever she said she had a job for him. Fear, horror, and acceptance all mixed up together. Shao shuddered. No way in hell he ever wanted to be the reason for that look being on one of his brother’s faces.
He’d been making some changes. Nothing big of course.
Just some changes to his choice of insults. He doubted the others had even noticed but Dizzee would. Of that he was sure and that alone was worth it.
So when Dizzee turned up at the temple with a bag of stuff and a nervous shuffle in his step, Shao was certain he’d prepared for the conversation that was coming.
He was wrong.
Dizzee had been quiet when he arrived. He’d greeted him with a quiet “Shao” before standing nervously in the centre of the room quietly swinging his arms back and forth, gently tapping them together.
“So you gonna tell me why you’re here Dizz?”
“Napoleon here?” Shao furrowed his brow.
“What? No he’s out somewhere. What the hells it matter?”
Dizzee didn’t answer. He just looked around the temple avoiding Shao’s gaze.
“Shao you remember before we brought the kingdoms together, I was … away and you came to get me?”
“Yeah? What about it? I ain’t going to tell anyone is that’s what you’re thinking. Ain’t any of my business Dizz. I told you. I’ve got you.”
Dizzee smiled. “I know Shao. I know. That’s why I’m here. It hit me you see. Everything is as it’s meant to be. The universe shone it’s light down on you that night so we could have this conversation.”
Shao sighed and rubbed his eyes. He didn’t have a clue what Dizzee was trying to ask him.
“Look man, I don’t know what you’re trying to get at and to be honest I don’t have time to try and puzzle it out. How about we jump straight to the part where you tell me what the fuck you’re on about?”
Dizzee nodded. “I’m about to go through a reveal that may leave me adrift in the galaxy for a while. And since you are aware of what will be revealed I wanted to know if I could count on a safe harbour here at the temple, should it become necessary.”
Shao stopped. A reveal? What the hell was he on- Oh. Dizzee was rocking back and forth on his heels watching Shao out the corner of his eye. Shit. Shao wasn’t sure if he was impressed with his bravery or his stupidity.
But then again Dizzee was making plans in case it all went to shit and Shao could understand the desire to take control of the situation. To make sure he chose when the information got out, to ensure no one could use it against him. Not to sit there with the sword hanging over his head wondering and waiting for the day it fell and took everything from him.
What the hell, Shao decided. He had told him that he’d got his back and wasn’t that what Zeke was always telling him family was about? Having each other’s backs, looking out for each other no matter what?
“Of course Dizz. You need too you can stay here long as you want. Just give me some warning of when you’re planning it so I can make sure I’m in to receive you. Don’t want you being here on your own if that happens.”
Dizzee lit up like Shao had just told him aliens had actually come to Earth and they were asking for him to show them around personally. Crazy motherfucker, Shao thought.
“Come on then let’s stash your getaway bag. I’m assuming that’s what it is.”
Dizzee nodded and followed Shao deeper into the temple.
“Dizz how come you ain’t stashing this bag with Thor?”
“You shouldn’t limit your universe to one star Shao. Even if that star is the sun.”
Shao nodded. Damn he’d really thought this through then. If there was anyone crazy enough and smart enough to make this work it’d be Dizzee. He laughed and was hit with a wave of longing and nostalgia for something he knew he’d never had or ever would have. Crazy kid.
He hoped Thor was as good as Dizzee thought he was or the two of them would be having words.
“Shao?”
“Hmm?” He must have drifted. Shao cursed himself. He was clearly losing his edge. He used to be always on guard when others were around. Dizzee was looking at him like he was trying to work out if the answer to his question was worth the hassle.
“Never mind.”
Shao shuffled uncomfortable under the scrutiny. He always felt like Dizzee could see right through him like he could see the secrets Shao would much rather keep to himself.
“When’s the reveal then?”
“A week. Family dinner. Ma’s been asking to meet the girl I’m seeing. Figure that’s the easiest way. They aren’t stupid. If I leave it long enough then they’ll piece it together.”
“I still think you’re fucking crazy man.” Dizzee shrugged. “Well whatever happens I’m here for you man. You got a place here. I just hope you don’t need it.”
Dizzee nodded. “Thanks Shao. I owe you one.”
Shao watched him leave the temple and shook his head. He doubted he’d ever understand what was going on in Dizzee’s mind. He doubted anyone would ever completely understand what went on in Dizzee’s head. But he did know that he was his brother and that he’d be there for him when the time came.
That was all he really could do. He wished it was more.
~~~
Tanya knew Dizzee was dating someone. Not because she’d actually seen any evidence herself but because Ra-Ra knew and he was pissed about it.
Well not pissed about it. More like pissed that Dizzee hadn’t told him about it. As far as she was aware the Kipling siblings had always been close and had always been honest with each other and Ra-Ra was taking Dizzee’s lack of transparency on who he was dating as an act of betrayal on his part.
Tanya wasn’t entirely sure she agreed with that as a stance but she guessed different families had different dynamics. Plus she’d met the eldest Kipling brother and the way he talked she wasn’t 100% sure he couldn’t have told Ra in such a way that Ra completely missed it.
As far as she could tell everyone only seemed to understand about half of what he said. And that was without him being on anything.
It was therefore Ra-Ra’s repeated angry rants about his brother keeping secrets from him that came to her mind when she ran into Dizzee on her walk home.
Well Dizzee and some random white boy.
They had jumped the fence next to her at top speed before slowing to a fake calm walk. Tanya noticed what clearly neither of them had, snorted, and yelled a greeting at them both. “Oi Dizzee.”
They both turned and Dizzee’s face lit up in a smile. The two of them weren’t exactly close but they had both enjoyed the debates they’d had on the place of art as a mode of protest and the push backs against graffiti art that had gotten more drastic as time when on.
“Tanya ,hey! You must have felt the cosmic energy tonight too, right? The way tonight feels like a lake about to crystallise into a thousand tiny diamonds and reflect our own wonder back at us.”
Tanya laughed and turned to the white boy. “Tell me you understand what he’s trying to say.”
The white boy smiled at Dizzee. “Every word.”
Yeah Tanya thought she was right. Well that would explain why Ra-Ra hadn’t been introduced to Dizzee’s girlfriend. Can’t be introduced to one if she doesn’t exist.
“You got a jacket in that bag, white boy?” The boy blinked.
“Yes? Why do you need one?”
Tanya shook her head. “No but your boyfriend does if you too idiots are going to walk home like this.”
They both started talking quickly at once before falling silent. Apparently aware enough to realise that their sudden explosion of protest did more to confirm then deny the idea. She sighed.
The light was gone from Dizzee’s face she noted and he was looking at her like an unexploded bomb that he just knew he’d triggered.
“Tanya..” She cut him off. She knew what he was going to say and frankly it was less important than making sure someone else didn’t walk past and make the same realisation she did.
She turned to the white boy who was shifting nervously. “Give him your jacket. Before someone else comes round here and realises that the paint all over your hands matches the handprint on Dizzee’s ass perfectly.”
She turned back to Dizzee while the white boy rummaged through his bag. “I’m sorry you were about to ask me not to tell anyone right?” Dizzee nodded dazed. Damn the kid looked completely baffled she thought. “I’m not going to you know. That’s up to you. Though I’d recommend telling Ra cause he’s getting very upset you’re hiding a girlfriend from him.”
“Uh sure. We’re actually planning on telling the family in a few days.” He studied her for a second. “You’re awfully calm about this.”
Tanya shrugged. “It’s like I told your friends. The Zulus find the truth in any ideology. Aliens included. Plus you seriously thought you were the only one?”
Dizzee blinked at her and she watched realisation slowly dawn on his face. “You and Yvonne?”
She nodded. “Yeah for about a year. We broke it off after that realised we were better friends then girlfriends you know?”
Dizzee nodded as he accepted the jacket the white boy offered him and wrapped it round his waist. She turned to the white boy. “So you gonna introduce me to the man of mystery?”
“Tanya, This is Thor. Thor, this is Tanya.” Thor nodded at her an extended a hand. Tanya looked him up and down. Yeah okay she decided she could see what Dizzee saw in him.
She took his hand. “Pleasure. Now you want me to tell you the other glaringly obvious thing that you two need to fix?”
Thor gave her an embarrassed smile. “If you wouldn’t mind.”
“Not at all. Most of the back of your hair is covered in blue paint.”
~~~
“You ready? You kinda look like you’re gonna spew.”
“I feel like Jormungandr is being fished out of my stomach.”
Thor’s lips twitched and Dizzee was torn between pride at being the one to cause that motion and a strong desire to forgo the dinner completely and go back to kissing the life out of him. Just to let the world fall away. To just live within this bubble forever.
He pulled himself away from that train of thought. No, he’d committed to this. He’d mapped the orbits of his family and predicted where he would find them. He’d stocked his ship to leave should that become necessary. It was time.
“We don’t have to do this you know. We could cancel say I got sick. Then say we broke up. You don’t have to introduce a girlfriend if you don’t have one.”
“No.” Dizzee shook his head he knew what Thor was trying to do. He wanted to be sure that Dizzee had an out but Dizzee didn’t want one. He hadn’t wanted one since that night in the tunnel.
He’d almost died twice in one week for fuck’s sake. It was painfully obvious to him that the line everyone always sang that “you had to grab life with both hands because you never knew when it would end” was too applicable to him these days.
Maybe that was stupid. Maybe that was reckless but it was the truth. And Dizzee knew he couldn’t run from that. Not now that he knew. Not like Shao.
“I have to do this Thor. They’ll figure it out at some point and I want to choose when that is. Plus, I’ve got it all planned in case it goes badly. Shao’ll let me crash at his, Tanya said she’d talk Ra-Ra round, Yolanda already knows. There’s no better time to do this.”
Thor nodded. “If you’re sure but any time you want to just say and we walk, okay?”
Dizzee smiled and took Thor’s hand and in the kiss that followed he could feel Thor’s smile. He hoped it still be there by the end of the night.
“Let’s Go.”
He lead them both through back alleys and over fences holding hands in silence. Everything that needed to be said had been said.
They dropped hands when they reached the underground. Sat side by side knees pressed together. Their alternative to the casual display of affection of the couple sitting down the carriage. Not the same. Not even close but the closest they could get to it. It was enough given the circumstances.
Dizzee stopped in front of the door.
“Last chance to turn back, love.” Dizzee smiled back at Thor.
“Careful I’m beginning to think you’re the one whose nervous about this dinner.”
Thor laughed. “Hey man meeting the parents is scary no matter the gender of your partner. Believe me, I’d know.”
Dizzee smiled. “Come on lets go in before the world decides to force our hand. We’re late as is.”
~~~
Thor hung back as they entered the house. Dizzee stood in the doorway to the kitchen. His whole family was there, gathered around the dinner table. He watched them for a moment, unnoticed.
Ra was talking to Yolanda about something involving large, dramatic hand gestures. She was nodding along without adding to the conversation. Probably Star Wars then. Dizzee, like the rest of the Kiplings, had been on that side of Ra’s tirades about that film many a time.
Boo carried a dish to the table and Dizzee wondered if he’d put up as much fuss as usual about that or if his excitement to finally meet ‘Dizzee’s girl’ had distract him.
Pops was sitting at the head of the table looking mildly concerned. Dizzee wondered for a second whether he had any idea what was coming. Had Ma mentioned their conversation? Had he figured it out? Did he know what Dizzee was about to tell them? Did it even matter if he did?
Dizzee watched his Ma pull the last dish out the oven and could pinpoint the moment she saw him standing there.
“Dizzee darling there you are. We were getting worried.”
“Yeah. Sorry we’re late Ma. Just had a few things to sort out before leaving.”
“So where is she? We’re all terribly excited to meet her.” Dizzee took a deep breath in.
He locked eyes with Yolanda and she nodded at him. Time to take that first spacewalk then.
He reached out and grabbed Thor’s hand to pull him into the room.
“Guys, this is Thor.”