Chapter Text
Cars pass by as the traffic light in front of you changes its color to red. You grab this opportunity to debate on whether this is the right thing to do or not. The red light turns yellow and then green. Fighting the urge to just walk away, you clench your fist and take one step forward.
Gray area, you remind yourself. Gray Area.
--
The key to open the door in front of you dangles around your fingers. You can smell bacon and eggs coming from the door, and then the image of Derek cooking your favorite breakfast enters your mind. You see how happy he looks like, how contented he looks and how looks lovingly at you when he serves you the breakfast that cooked for you. Then the thought of what a happened the other night entered your thoughts as well. The idea that the breakfast Derek is cooking right now, that the happy, contented and loving looks aren’t for you – not anymore.
A stream of panic arises. You can feel your breathing becoming more uneven and the pounding in your ears louder.
Oh no.
Having a panic attack right now - in front of your apartment - is the last thing that you want to happen to you right before confronting your boyfriend. You can’t afford to have an attack right now, but the more effort that you put in subduing the attack, more memories of Derek flashes into your mind. It gets worse when the most dominant thought lingering in your head is the memory and the image of Derek and Aleesha making love with each other. You clench on your throbbing chest as you struggle to catch the air you desperately want to breathe in.
The memories are becoming more vivid, more real. But then suddenly, a particular voice stood out.
‘Doll. Breathe in’.
You inhale.
‘Breathe out.’
You exhale.
Breathe in. Inhale. Breathe out. Exhale.
And just like that you broke out from your panic attack –your vision clearer, breathing more stable and heat’s rhythm slower. You look around to see if Steve is there, but he isn’t. You smile at the fact that his lingering voice inside your head was enough to make the panic attacks subside. You’ve only known each other for a short time, but he already gave you so much strength.
No turning back now.
You stand up and unlock the door in front of you. The smell of the bacon and eggs greets you once again, as you take your first step into the apartment. You hear the sound of the running water from the faucet in the kitchen and standing right in front of you – just a few meters away – is Derek.
Derek looks the same. His brown eyes, his hair that resembles James Dean’s, his habit of wearing your favorite blue, checkered apron – it’s still the same. He’s still the same charming Derek that you remembered him to be.
Your best friend.
Your boyfriend.
Your love.
His look of surprise turned into a look of pure joy as he wraps his arms around you. His embrace felt like, he waited for this moment to happen – to have you in his arms again. You want to just say ‘screw it!’ and hug him back, but you remember that those arms that are wrapped around right now, were the same arms the held Aleesha. It was enough to stop you from hugging him back.
“God. I missed you so much, Y/N” Derek hugs you more tightly.
You pat him on the back. “Derek. We need to talk.”
“Sure! Have a seat. Have you eaten?” You can’t deny how happy Derek looks like, and you can’t deny too, that seeing him this happy made your resolve falter.
You take a sit on the sofa in the living room. Derek places a cup of coffee on the table beside you, and sat beside you immediately after. You feel his hands slowly sliding into yours and he begins to speak.
“Y/N. Before you start talking, I just want to tell you that the ... thing... you saw the other night... it was nothing. I mean, we just got drunk and – “
“Nothing?” you cut him off. A tone of resentment present in your voice. You push his hand away and stand up. “This - ” you point to the area in your chest where your heart was once whole. “I’m in pain because of something. This isn’t ‘nothing’, Derek.”
“Babe.” he stands up and tries to calm you down. He reaches for your, but you pull it away.
“I’m sorry. That’s not what I meant. I - ” Derek pulls you into an embrace. “I’m sorry.”
The sound of Derek’s voice crack and the warm water dripping over your shoulders made your heart falter once again. The thoughts of being a better girlfriend, of ‘should’ve been’s and ‘what if’s, of regrets and second chances start to engulf your thoughts once again.
“Forgive me, Y/N. Please. I love you”
You break free from Derek’s embrace and caress his cheeks – his eyes were filled with tears, guilt and sorrow.
“And I love you too, Derek.”
His lips forms a small smile.
“But - ” you continue. “This – this needs to end.”
Those words left a bitter taste on your mouth. You swallow and take a deep breath. In a matter of seconds, Derek’s expression transformed – from pleading, it became confused and remorseful. It’s now Derek’s turn to pull away from you.
“End? What do you mean?”
“This. Us.“ you point at him and then to yourself. “We need to break up.”
“I love you, Derek. I really do.” You look straight into his eyes. “I loved you when we were children, while we were playing in the rain. I loved you each time you wore my favorite apron,. I loved you when we cuddle at night and watch our favorite movies. I - I chose to love you after you cheated on me last time. I love you right now, as we speak. But Derek - ” you take a deep breath. “I want to stop loving you. I want to love you a little less, and love myself a little more.”
Emotions are filling up in your chest, and you can feel waves of tears struggling to burst out of your eyes. But you can’t cry – you promised yourself that you won’t cry. You muster up the strength to not let them out. You’ve cried enough. You’ve had enough.
“Y/N. Babe. We don’t have to do this. We can fix this. Together, right? Like when we were kids. We did this for seven years, we can do this again, right?” he holds your hands. “Everything that happened was a mistake. It was my mistake. I’m so sorry for hurting you like this”
“Derek. It wasn’t a mistake. It was a decision – a choice that you made. At that moment, you chose someone else. You chose Aleesha over our relationship, over me. ”
“Why are you being like this, Y/N? We loved each other since we were kids! How can you just – Seven years. Seven years, Y/N. And you’re just throwing everything away.”
You can hear the sound of agitation within Derek’s voice. But you know better than to fight anger with anger. You’re too emotionally exhausted to be angry, but you don’t want to leave things undone and unexplained. You want to let it all out. So with calm and shaking voice, you respond.
“That’s the point, Derek. For seven years, I - ” you breath in, and then out. “For as long as I can remember, I loved you. I wasn’t perfect, I know, but every day, when I wake up in the morning I always chose to love you, again and again and again. And it hurts me, that loving you each and every day, wasn’t enough to stop you from cheating... with Aleesha”
Derek takes a step back, the weight of your words sinking in. He sits down and covers his face with his hands. A short while after you hear him gasp for air, as he chokes on his own tears. Seeing Derek like likes made you want to wrap him in your arms and cling to him. You want to take back all the words that you said and just start over again, with him. Oh god knows how tempted you are – to choose ‘him’ over ‘me’.
“I’m sorry, Derek.” You walk towards the door.
One step.
Two steps.
Slowly.
Three steps.
Breath in. Breath out.
Three steps and a few more.
“I love you,Derek. Goodbye.”
You close the door behind you.
--
Steve finds himself standing in front of the bench where he found you crying. The trees, the grass, the lamp – they are still there. Everything is in the same place – everything, except you.
After searching in the Burger shop, the street where you bumped into each other, and all the stores around, he was sure that he’d finally find you in the park, but he was so wrong. Feelings of frustration and disappointment creeps through him, as the thoughts of permanently losing you, fill in his mind. He knows it - deep inside – that this is a lost case, that the probability of actually finding you is close to nothing. But he can’t stop now, he won’t stop now.
I found her once. I can find her again.
--
With the red light flashing from the other side of the street, Steve stopped. After running around the city, he’s now feeling impatient and tired. He bows down and let his hands rest on his thighs. He looks up and for a moment, he felt that everything moved in slow motion. The sight of you made all the impatience and tiredness go away.
“Y/N!” he shouts.
You didn’t look back. His feelings of happiness turned to worry, when he caught a glimpse of how lost you looked like.
“Y/N!” he shouts again.
Steve’s urge to just cross the street with all those fast cars is high. He can’t die now, especially when he’s this close to being with you again.
The light turned yellow.
You are slowly being enveloped by the crowd of people around you.
Yellow. Blinking.
He’s losing sight of you again.
Green.
Steve leaps and runs towards you.
--
You find yourself standing in front of a dead end. You let the voices of the people from the street fade away , and you let the silence of back alley overpower your emotions. You aren’t even sure of your feelings anymore. You are whole, and at the same time broken. Alive, but dead inside. Free, but miserable.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
If only Steve was here, I –
“Y/N!”
The sound of his voice makes you look back at once.
There he is.
Steve
Looking back at you with his azure eyes and his warm smile . He’s really there.
Steve.
You slowly walk towards Steve, and he slowly walks towards you, too.
You stopped on your tracks when you noticed him panting and sweating profusely.
“What have you been doing? You just got sick, you can’t just – “
Steve’s tight embrace cuts you off from your sentence.
“I was busy looking for you.”
These words made you weak on your knees; it was music to your eyes. It felt as if those were the exact words that you wanted to hear all day. It felt as if, just like Steve, you finally found what you were looking for.
“You’re annoying.” The tears that you desperately tried to suppress a while ago made its way out of your eyes. You gasp for air, and hug him back. You cling to Steve’s hurt and just cry like a baby.
You, being kind, it’s annoying.
You, being warm and comforting, it’s annoying.
Your, finding me, it’s annoying.
You, being there when I need you the most, it’s annoying.
You, not asking for anything and just giving so much, it’s annoying.
“It’s over, Steve. We’re over.” You cry to him, and you feel his embrace tighten.
“Mm-hmm.” He pats your head and, gently pats your back.
“I thought – “ you gasp “I thought doing this will free me ... from these emotions. ” you inhale “But why does it feel like I’m still trapped inside these feelings? Why does it feel that I lost the ability to move forward?”
Steve pulls away from the brace and cups your cheeks with his hands. He wipes your tears with his thumb and pushes away all the stray strands of hair covering your face.
“Who told you that you need to move forward now?” He smiles at you. “You can always, do that tomorrow or the next day or next week. Even if it feels impossible now, you can move forward. You will move forward.”
“How can you be so sure?”
“I’m not.” He chuckles, and you smile at him. “But I’m sure that, I won’t leave you until you can. I’ll make sure that I’ll be with you to the end of the line.”
Steve wraps his arms around you again.
I won’t lose you again.
E N D