Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Life is a very odd thing. I wonder if I would have bothered gathering all those good times if I’d known things were going to end up the way they did. Even those feelings had turned into negatives now. It would be an understatement to say I wasn’t happy, but I wasn’t letting it hold me down, exactly. I was mostly angry, and it was probably that energy that kept me going.
I burned my negative emotions as fuel to get through my daily life of work, occasional light drinking with ‘friends’ and simply coming home. Once a month I pumped myself up with guilt and aggression and went to visit Anzu and that… thing. Getting to the countryside didn’t take too long or cost much money, and I couldn’t say we were exactly friends, but if she ever died I felt it would be my fault. So, probably to set my conscience at ease, I burned a fresh image of her small, wheelchair bound body into my mind.
I did this for about six years. I went back and forth to torture myself and watch that child grow and even at times try to touch me. Of course I pushed her away each time with as little strength as it’d take me to do so. I was watching everything I couldn’t be grow up right in front of my face, it was only natural that I’d reject her.
Much like tonight, on days I wasn’t working and home alone I was drunk and watching a lot of nothing on TV. My phone vibrated in my pocket and I sighed immediately. The only person who called me nowadays at this time of night was Anzu or work and this was my personal phone.
“What is it?” I set the beer down on my wobbly table between me and the TV and answered with enough hostility to hopefully put out that I wasn’t interested.
“Hey, Kirari. We need some help.” She didn’t sound like she was in trouble, but she was clearly hesitant about saying what she had to say.
“You and the bug?” I refused to call that child by name.
“Kirari isn’t a bug.” She declared with the actual authority you’d expect from a mother defending their child, which only made me grit my teeth.
“I don’t want to argue. Tell me what you need.”
“My family is kicking us out. They’ve been hinting at it for a while. Can’t exactly work on a farm in a wheelchair and they think Kirari should go to school in the city… She is about that age, and I think they’re right.”
As she spoke about the kid, my eyes traveled along the flickering living room. All the blotched paint around the room would look like someone walked in and started sledgehammering holes in the walls and someone else had to patch them up. But, they were from my hands. I’m sure that I’d punched a new hole for almost every time I heard Anzu say her name.
“So, you need somewhere to live? You expect me to live with you and that thing? Why would I-“
“She is not a thing. I’m not doing this for me, I’m doing it for her. I’m not thinking about me and your relationship here.”

“…..” I couldn’t say anything. I was starting to feel that tight feeling in my chest again and if I said anything, it’d result in yelling until I calmed myself down. I resorted to deep breaths instead, closing my eyes to think over the situation as she spoke to me.
“Please, Kirari. I don’t know what kind of job you have, but you said your apartment is spacious… Me and Kira can do housework. I’m not completely useless and she’s very capable. If I need taking care of, she can do it. We’ll try to stay out of your way.”
Anzu was practically begging and I couldn’t stand to hear it. It disgusted me that she had the gall to ask me for help after what she did. I must’ve made her think we were friends or something from visiting her so much. Why would I want to live with that confusion? I was angry enough on the daily as it was.
“Pack your things… I’ll come meet you at the train station. I’ll come get you right now.” Regardless of all those thoughts, the opposite slipped out of my mouth. I couldn’t get the word no out of me even if I could list over a thousand reasons it’d be unhealthy for me in the long run.
“Thank yo—“
I hung up the phone before she could get her words of gratitude out of her mouth. I didn’t want to hear them. I didn’t want the feeling of supporting her to spread through me. I just wanted to make sure the job got done.
Quickly, I grabbed my keys and threw on my usual dark sweatsuit and rushed to my car to escape what part of the cold that I could. When I’d tossed her off that balcony, it was snowing just like this. I felt like only bad things happened in this cold. I hated winter the most. It was when my feelings were most intense and I couldn’t stop thinking about whether I was right or wrong, no matter how much I drank.
I drove as fast I could over there. Not because I felt any sense of urgency to help her and the mistake, but because driving as fast as I could helped take my mind off things. That was the reason I’d gotten a sportscar. The faster I moved, the more I had to pay attention, which meant there was no time to dwell in my own thoughts. Especially in this snow, I couldn’t miss a beat or I’d end up in a ditch.
When I had to slow down to park, a feeling of dread naturally poured through me. I immediately started to regret everything upon seeing Anzu slowly get rolled towards the car by the thing, a few suitcases stacked on her legs. Why did I come here? I should’ve just avoided this and let them figure out things themselves.
Every cell in my body wanted to scream right now. I wanted to punch my steering wheel, but something about the amount of people around stopped me. Making a scene was the last thing I wanted to. Those small anger management exercises had done a lot for me in terms of self-control. Before, I probably wouldn’t care who was around.
“You can both sit in the back.”
I’d popped the trunk, intending to get out and help Anzu in, but immediately the child had already started stacking the suitcases into the trunk with a surprising amount of speed. There was no shuffling around to fit the smaller shape. One try and she was done.
As if I wasn’t the one controlling my actions, I quickly got out and lifted up Anzu with one arm, but the job that was intended for the other one was already completed during that time. The bug had opened up the npassenger door and pushed the seat forward as if she already knew the design of my car without having ever been inside.
Somehow feeling violated, I gently slipped Anzu inside, who quickly gave praise to her daughter once they’d both fastened their seatbelts. Was I supposed to live with this? Really? For how long? During the ride back, I clutched my steering wheel until I felt like the scars on my hands would split. I’d definitely made a mistake. I shouldn’t have decided to get them.
“Mom, you’re driving too fast.” The small voice hit my ears, but it took them a few moments to register that I was the one being called ‘mom’.
“I am not your mother.”
“But, she said—“
“If we drive into a tree, it’ll be your fault. You’re distracting me.”
I’m sure she didn’t understand what she was doing, but I didn’t understand why Anzu didn’t shut her up once she’d said that. No matter how fast I went, I actually couldn’t take my mind off things, not with the thing I was sure I hated the most sitting right behind me, happily chirping about absolutely nothing with her mother for most of the ride.
“The city is bright…” I couldn’t drown out that infectious little voice regardless of how quickly I moved.
“There’s a lot of people here, too. All kinds of food as well. You’ll be going to school around here,” I could almost see the smile on Anzu’s face as she spoke.
“But, who will take care of you?”
“Your mother is strong, remember? I can handle myself. I did manage to do a bit of farm work even from the chair.”
“But, I helped!”
“Hmmm, sounds like I have some growing up to do.”
I wanted to bite the leather off my steering wheel right now. I was forced to move slower now and I couldn’t help but listen to their little conversation. Every word that came out of her mouth felt draining. I’m sure Anzu knew that. I’d rejected this child several times already yet the kid was always unscathed. She was like a mosquito that wouldn’t die.
Once we got out, the child insisted on carrying every suitcase into the apartment one by one while I wheeled her mother in and cut on the lights for her to move around. As she surveyed the interior, I’m sure noticed the blotches in the walls and the amount of beer cans sitting on the table. She was silent about it, though. The child however, was more than impressed once she’d dragged in the last case.
“This is a lot bigger than our room was…” She started to wander around, feeling at each individual patch on the wall she could reach and checking out rooms without my permission, but I said nothing.
“Mom, what’s this?”
This time, it seemed she’d been talking to Anzu as she’d actually looked in her direction. I let them spend their time getting to know the inside of the place and ended up taking my seat on the couch again, burying my face in my hands. What was I doing? I’d have to wake up to that voice every day for a long time, right? I’d just have to work more and spend as little time as possible here.
“She’s in the room hitting your punching bag and playing with your weights. Is that okay?” Anzu had rolled over to the side of the table, blankets stacked on her lap, tilting her head.
“The weights are dangerous. If you don’t have the money to fix a broken toe, you should stop her.” I removed my hands from my face, shaking my head at the TV as if it were a reflection of myself.
“Kirari! Don’t touch the weights! The punching bag is fine!” Anzu yelled into the other room.
“Okay! Why are there so many holes? This is for hitting, not stabbing, right?” The bug yelled back, probably examining one of the many slits I’d put into it by stabbing it.
“Why don’t you play detective for a bit and come back to tell me later?”
“Okay!”
Eventually the child ran back in, having removed her jacket and scarf, I could easily see her face now. To say that her appearance disgusted me wouldn’t do it justice. Her hair was long, just like Anzu’s but black and her appearance took a lot from Anzu’s but she kept the darker color of the Producer’s eyes. Just looking at her made me want to put a new hole in the wall.
“You stabbed it with a knife, right? Did I get it right?” I hated that proud smile that she put off. She was 100% confident she was right.
“Yeah.”
“I got it!”
“Congratulations. It’s late and the neighbors above us can probably hear you. Be quiet.”
There were no neighbors upstairs, I just didn’t want to hear her talk. I lived on the bottom floor in this particular area because I wanted the peace and quiet or else my mood might get agitated. She went quiet for a moment, then quickly took the seat beside me as if I’d invited her.
“Are you like one of those cool spies you see on TV?”
Was she trying to deduce my profession just from an exercise room? Any child raised by Anzu probably would turn out this smart… If only it was ours instead. I wouldn’t feel this way and I could probably share in all the pride and joy she was hogging for herself.
“Nothing that fancy.”
I wasn’t going to tell her or Anzu anything they didn’t need to know. I didn’t want to talk to anyone right now. I just wanted to sleep away whatever bit of their time here that I could for the night. I would deal with this tomorrow when I was sober and probably hate myself even more.
“Then, are you a —“
“I’m going to bed. There’s food in the fridge if you need to eat. I’ll move the weight room around tomorrow for you two. Sleep on the couch for now.”
I left without saying goodnight since I felt like I had to make some kind of escape from the little one. Once in bed, so many thoughts filled my head at once. Did my apartment seem as empty as I felt? It wasn’t decorated and only had the things I needed inside. Otherwise it was filled with holes in various places. As much as I didn’t want them here, I felt they had to be comfortable. On top of that, I wasn’t… proud of the way I lived here.
How would I actually handle this mentally? Could I actually keep my sanity? That child itself was something that had absolutely no right to exist in any way or form. It represented every single thing that I couldn’t be. A walking, breathing, growing reminder that I was inadequate for Anzu. Her having the same name as me was just twisting the knife in my heart even more. I’d effectively been replaced twice. She’d been taking care of her even longer than I had and was no doubt better at it.
Then there was the issue with Anzu existing here…. I’d only visited once a month because that was all my heart could take after seeing what I’d done to her. I hated seeing her need to be pushed around by something I despised for the mistakes I’d made. I might not be able to live with myself staying here, but if the child had to go to school, no one could take care of Anzu.
From what I knew, the paralysis wasn’t completely taking away the functionality of her legs, but she couldn’t take much strain on them. Which meant she couldn’t really climb steps, walk or do anything that most other people could, but she could still lift them… The thought suddenly appeared in my mind. It was a shameful thought, but I let it bloom anyway.
Her frail legs propped up over my shoulders, unable to fight anything I did to her. My tongue and hands could explore any part of her that I wanted and she’d simply have to take it. The feeling of her warmth was something l couldn’t pull up anymore, but I could still hear the sounds of her moans in my head if I tried.
My thoughts had guided my hands into my underwear and as usual, I was pleasuring myself to feelings I knew I shouldn’t be having. She was right in the living room, not far from me at all. I could probably make this fantasy in my head a reality right now if I really wanted to… I hadn’t had any sex with anyone since our last time together. I’d forgotten what it was like to have someone else’s warmth at night.
I’d bit hard into my finger so no one would hear me as shame laced pleasure permeated my body. I couldn’t believe what I was doing right now. If she knocked on the door right now for something, I wouldn’t be able to control myself, I was sure. I’d just pull her in, shut the door and set her on the bed without a care for how she felt.
After my second orgasm, I finally let myself sleep in preparation for tomorrow. Maybe this would calm me down enough to actually figure out what my plans were for living with these two symbols of my mistakes.
What awoke me several hours later was a shattering sound. My eyes had popped open and I’d sprung to life immediately, grabbing cold steel from inside my draw before bounding out of the room. Naturally, I assumed it was a robbery of some sort, but my first instinct was to protect the people in my living room.
But, what I found was much less threatening. Anzu was still sound asleep on the couch despite the noise, but the kid was in the kitchen with my broom and dustpan, though I couldn’t see her very well from this angle. I quietly hid the gun behind myself as I moved forward, peering over the counter to see what had happened.
“You should put on shoes if you’re going to clean up broken glass.” She jumped in fear the moment I announced my presence, taking a step back and wincing as if to prove my point.
“I’m sorry…I was getting some water and I couldn’t reach the cups…You don’t have any stools here I could find.” She genuinely looked apologetic enough that the disgust levels in my chest didn’t raise to their normal place.
Reluctantly, I put my firearm in my waistband and covered it with my shirt, walking around to lift her leg and examine her foot. The piece of glass in it was somewhat large, but nothing that would kill her. I just had to tend to it, even if the idea of keeping her healthy made me want to leave the house right now.
“Hop on one leg, we’re going to the bathroom.” I refused to picked her up no matter how hurt she was. There was no way I wanted her any closer to me than need be.
Once in the bathroom I sat her down on the toilet and pulled out the stuff needed to tend to the wound. Surprisingly enough, she didn’t seem like she was in any pain from removal of the glass to when I was cleaning or wrapping it. I didn’t think Anzu could raise such a tough child. Maybe that was the result of working on a farm.
“Thank you. Why do you always wear sweatpants and hoodies?” She’d asked once I was done, wriggling her toes in my direction.
“What’s that?”
“Whenever you visited, you wore those stuff. You sleep in them too?” She was genuinely curious about it, but the reason wasn’t something she’d understand to begin with.
“Freedom of movement, insect.” I lied without any real shame behind it. I doubted she’d understand body issues at this point in her life, so there was no point in telling her.
“Why do you call me insect? My mom doesn’t like it, but I’ve always thought of it as a nickname from my other mother. I like when she calls me Kira.”
There she was again, addressing me as her mother. Was she ever told that we had no relationship whatsoever? Did Anzu really keep that particular detail from her?
“Why do you call me that?” I knew I shouldn’t have asked the question, but some part of me wanted an answer.
“Mommy says that you are my other mommy. That’s why she named me after you and you don’t come around much because you’re busy.”
Busy, huh? Sounds like she literally never told this child about her Father. That meant she was really serious about wanting him to have nothing to do with her life… Why did that relieve me even a little? That didn’t make me or Anzu any better people, or this child justified in being alive.
“Call me Moroboshi. I don’t like being called that.”
“Oh. Okay.”
“Now go to bed. I’ll clean up the glass.”
“Ah, I can do it!”
She hopped up and fell immediately, having decided to put her weight on her bad foot. I didn’t bother helping her up, instead walking over her and going to deal with the glass while she tried to figure out how to get up.
After finally heading to bed and waking up, I’d realized that the alcohol definitely had an effect on how I was feeling last night. The feelings had been numbed more than I’d thought. I couldn’t leave my room; I couldn’t even move from my bed. What had I just done? I’ve tried so hard to just keep myself in check all the time and I was throwing it away.
The anger management classes, the martial arts training, and taking up bodyguard jobs. I was throwing all that away by doing this. I wasn’t strong enough to take this kind of thing and adapt to it. I’d put in a lot of effort and money making sure that I could at least control myself, but this was scary. Once a month hurt enough. I don’t think I could do this for a week let alone a few days.
It wasn’t until evening that I came out of my room. The urge to use the bathroom had become unbearable, but as if I was some sort of magnet, I’d been intercepted on the way out by Anzu. She looked worried, but simply waved a hand at me as if this was the most casual meeting in the world.
“….Good Morning….” I didn’t know what to say outside that. I was trying my best to focus on her face instead of the wheelchair like usual.
“It’s the afternoon. Have you been asleep all this time?”
“Yes.”
An awkward silence filled the air. This wasn’t unusual. I didn’t really enjoying talking to her and I traveled just to check up on her for ten minutes at a time before she lived here. I didn’t know what to do around her and god forbid the child pop up. Those were the times I’d just freeze.
“Ah… Kirari told me about how you helped her last night. I just wanted to say thank you.”
“I’m going to move the weight room around now. I’ll buy you mattresses, if you want.”
“Hmm… She has always shared a bed with me, so I think one would be enough. I also wanted to ask you what I should be doing around the house outside cleaning up beer cans.”
I tried my best to push away memories of us sharing a bed together and instead focus on the matter at hand. There…honestly wasn’t much for her to do here. I wasn’t a dirty person and I’d rather her not go snooping through the house in all honesty.
“You don’t have a job to do. You’re here to put the mistake through school. If you do that, I’ll be fine. I have enough money for both of you.”
“I won’t let you keep calling my daughter names, Kirari.” She said sternly, as if she could win in a fight anyways.
“And what would you do about it?” I felt myself starting to take out my feelings on her again, so I quickly tucked my hands behind my back. I could yell, but I would never risk putting my hands on her as long as I breathed.
“I would definitely come to hate you.” She said it with absolute confidence. I didn’t understand if this child was more important to her than me or not, but I believed what she said and the very idea of it terrified me.
“….She thinks it’s a nickname.”
“But, I know it isn’t. I don’t care how you feel when it comes to this, Kirari. I can’t let you insult her.”
“You love her more than me?” Ah, things were starting to leak out now. I didn’t even know where the kid was. This wasn’t something I wanted her to hear.
“She’s my priority in everything I do, Kirari. That’s why I’m here. I don’t want to torture you, but this is where we are. And I’m here for her and you let us in. For her, I’m going to become a better person than I was before. She’s innocent in all this. If you ever have a problem, feel free to vent with me.”
Nothing disappointed me more than that she was completely correct in everything she’d said. Anzu had never once asked me for anything since our incident except now. She never tried to defend herself when I got verbally aggressive with her, but she always did for the child. The kid did nothing wrong, but I couldn’t just accept her because of that. The issue was that she was alive.
“Then, I will.” I accepted her offer seriously. If she wanted to take on some of my aggression, then she definitely could. I had no plans on hurting her, but honestly, I wanted to take some advantage of her.
“Ourselves aside, I won’t be comfortable living here doing nothing and neither will Kira. So, give us something, even if you don’t need us.”
I guess they wanted some kind of place to belong too. I didn’t have one, but it wouldn’t be so bad if I could provide them with one. Maybe they could take all the extra work off my hands in the house as long as they didn’t snoop around too much.
“You both can split up the housework as you want. There are times I don’t work consistently, but you can deal with everything outside that. How’s that?”
“That works. I also want to talk to you. Now, while Kira is taking her nap.”
I… wanted to refuse, but I couldn’t. As I was using the bathroom, the thoughts from last night seeped into me, no matter how blurry they were, I remembered enjoying them and I ended up in my room with her, locking the door. As I seated myself on the edge of my bed, she put a single hand on her chin, probably trying to think up how to word her question.
“I’ll be forward. I’m asking this for Kirari, not to get into your business. What do you do for work?”
If she said it was for the child, then I felt somewhat obligated to answer. No matter what, I didn’t want to hurt either of them no matter how bad their existence alone made me feel. I didn’t quite have to tell her the entirety of the truth, but I could keep it simple.
“I work in bodyguarding people now. So, that’s how I make my money. Some of my jobs aren’t really above the table, but I make sure work never comes home with me. I promise you that. You’ll be safe.”
I don’t think I’ve ever seen Anzu frown so hard before. I don’t know what she expected but the amount of disappointment on her face clutched at my heart. Maybe she was ashamed of living with someone like me… It was both our faults, but I’ve never been happy about living the way I did. Most of it was to vent by hitting things once the chance came up, and the rest of it was to feel like I was useful. Venting through hitting people who deserved it was...satisfying. I didn’t feel bad that way.
“You know, I still love you, right?” Anzu even gave me eye contact as she said it. She made it very clear she was serious, but I couldn’t look her in the eyes after that split second.
I felt ashamed I couldn’t just… respond. I couldn’t accept her simply saying this after what she did, especially when the kid existed to begin with. Maybe she felt like she pushed me towards this path, but I did choose it for myself. I was very good at hurting people due to my size and strength, and I’d trained that, all the while trying to find a comfortable place to get out some of my anger.
“….I love you too, but you understand how I feel, right?”
“No, I don’t. I don’t want to be with anyone except you at the end of the day. Regardless of what I did. I mean this.” Everything Anzu said felt genuine. I think that was what I hated the most. I couldn’t disbelieve her.
“You know that I want nothing more than to run away from both of you, right?”
I think my emotion was starting to show in my voice. There was a crack, and even more so I was starting to put forth some body language.
“But you took us in. I think you don’t hate us as much as you act.”
“I never said I hated you.”
I wanted to say that I probably would rather live with Anzu alone than the child, but that’d probably be the worst thing to say in front of her. Then the conflicting thoughts of why I should care came in, and I was just becoming confused at this point…
“I know. You’re still Kirari. You’ve gotten a lot tougher, but you’re still you. I can’t apologize for anything I’ve done to you. But, I’ll keep trying. I feel bad, but at the end of the day, I know you still love me and you know I feel the same. Being soulmates doesn’t mean there won’t be bad stuff, right?”

Soulmates? I think the old me would’ve started tearing up and crying immediately. But, the me now didn’t want to listen to what she had to say. I was scared of being affected even more than I already was, but she continued anyway in my silence.
“I said before that I want to raise her with you. I know that you’re opposed to the entire idea, too. But, that’s my plan here. I can do it with or without you, but I’d rather do it with you there.”
I shook my head. If I let myself even consider the idea, that would make everything I’d done up until now pointless. Hurting her would be pointless, my training would be useless, all those holes I had put in the walls and the times I cried. I couldn’t act like things hadn’t happened and even more I couldn’t just let myself be happy. I was wrong here too.
“What do you and the child want for dinner?” I didn’t want to talk about this anymore, so I changed the subject. I was hungry after locking myself in here all day.
“Ah, I can go out and make something. Going through your cabinets, it doesn’t look like you have much besides curry and beer, though. You don’t eat very well anymore, huh?”
“There are times I’m not home much. So, I need to eat something fast and go to sleep.”
I put a hand over my eyes to stop them from repeatedly flicking to her wheelchair. The moment she’d mentioned eating, my attention had switched to her legs. My mind was wandering again and the shame from last night was starting to come back... Anzu was right here, right now. The child was asleep and the door was locked. I could… solve my sexual frustrations this instant.
“Hmmm, me and Kira will make you something homecooked. You can consider it a thank you for letting us stay with you.” Again, I could just hear the gratitude in her voice and I didn’t have to look to know she was smiling.
“Sounds good.. Call me wh—“
Suddenly, she’d rolled forward and taken my hand off my eyes and into her own. I was too in shock to speak due to the thoughts already going through my head and that she was touching me. I want to hit her and push her away, but I also missed the feeling of her fingers. She was quietly examining my fingers, looking over the scars and tracing each digit with her own.
I wish she wasn’t so close to me. Every feeling of joy gained from this moment was conflicted with something equally negative. My disgust in her was met with love for her. My happiness that she was actually touching me was fought off that she had the audacity to even do it. The thing stopping me from taking any kind of action was that this was curing some of my loneliness. Something this simple was making me consider even forgiving her entirely.
“You don’t paint your nails anymore…” I don’t know why, but when she whispered that under her breath, I suddenly felt a need to burst into tears. “Kira brought ours along… Do you want me to paint them for you?”
Nodding silently in response, I bit my lip. I don’t know why she was asking, but I’m sure she thought my hands were ugly now. They didn’t have a mark on them back then. At this point I’m sure I couldn’t be as cute as I used to think ever again. I’d broken my fingers much more times since the first and after using walls to vent anger, they were blatantly damaged to anyone caring to observe them. The only reason I didn’t wear gloves all the time was because it was important to look intimidating on the job. In a sense these hands were a sign of experience too.
Quietly, she made her way out of the room and left me to my own thoughts for a minute. Why was I accepting this? It was just the first day and I was already starting to come apart at the seams. I found myself wishing heavily that I wasn’t as emotional about things as I was. This would be so much easier to handle if I could feel one way instead of fifty different ways at the same time.
When she came back, she silently started to paint my nails without a word between us. I tried my best not to smile or frown. I actually didn’t want to show anything on my face in fear she might take it for what it looked like. I couldn’t tell if this hurt me or healed me right now, but worst things could’ve been happening.
Once she was done, I looked at my nails in honest astonishment. My hands actually looked somewhat presentable. It was such a large contrast, how each nail was another bright color compared to the obvious damage of my hands. There was even glitter as if to pull any attention from the damage to my nails instead.
“Thank…you,” My words were laced with confusion for obvious reasons as they came out. There was a sense of nostalgia from my days as idol flowing through me.
“You’re welcome, Kirari. I’m going to wake up Kira and make the food now.” The smile on her face was the brightest thing I’d seen in years. I don’t know what this moment had meant to her, but the smile as she left was almost infectious. Almost.
I did the usual of stewing in my own thoughts until dinner was done. We’d all taken seats on the couch since I’d never thought to buy a kitchen table. The meal wasn’t anything super big. It was actually very basic. Meat, vegetables and rice. Regardless, it tasted good to have something decent for once. I believe this was the first time Anzu had ever cooked for me to begin with. Combined with our little moment earlier it was possible I was in a good mood. I couldn’t tell. The normal anger had lowered a little.
“Moroboshi!” For once the child’s voice didn’t make me want to leave the area. Probably because she listened and didn’t address me as her mother.
“What is it?”
“I like your nails,” She smiled and showed me hers, which were done in the same fashion, just mixed up the colors. Maybe Anzu was only capable of one design. “Look at mine!”
“Finish your food.”
The child sighed a little and went back to scooping food in her mouth, unknowingly dropping some between the couch and table from time to time. Maybe it was exactly because she was a kid that she tried to speak with me again anyway.
“Did I do something wrong?”
I could practically feel Anzu’s gaze digging into me on the side. I didn’t need to look at her to know she was hoping I’d answer in a way that wouldn’t hurt the young one’s feelings. I also didn’t know how to answer that question. This child had committed no sins in her life. It wasn’t like she’d asked to be born between those two… If I just said, ‘You were born’ that’d probably scar her for life. Anzu had raised a good kid so far.
“I’m just tired.” I tried to save face, but she continued anyway.
“But, you were in your room all day. I made breakfast, but mom wouldn’t let me come give it to you.”
“I wanted to be alone.”
“I’m happy you came out and ate this. I worked hard on it.”
“You… made this?”
“Mom can’t cook. Stoves are too big, so I do it for her.”
This child was… oddly capable. She was really taking care of her mother without any issues it seemed. If I left them in this house alone, I’m sure she could take care of her as long as they had some kind of income to pay things off. I wasn’t even needed in my own house. What a sad joke that was. The child named after me was usurping me after a day.
“Ah, it’s good.” Still, I managed to keep my cool. Showing my frustration right now wouldn’t result in anything.

By some miracle, I’d managed to last three entire months in this situation. Every new day of each month I woke up thinking that it would be the day I finally snapped, but it never turned out that way. I spent a lot of time at work, and dreading coming home to their faces, too. But, eventually I got used to it. I at the least started to accept that the people in my house existed there and I had no plans on kicking them out or running away from them. That didn’t fix my problems, however.
Today was the day that the child started school, but work had bled into after night and some of the morning, so I didn’t get to see her first day. I would’ve only gone had Anzu asked me, but maybe I didn’t trust one child in a wheelchair taking another to school alone. Both of them were frail and probably couldn’t protect themselves if someone attacked them.
After parking, I trudged my way into the house and plopped onto the couch, lying back my head. Nothing had gone wrong this time, so I hadn’t need to get into any kind of altercations. I felt I should probably take a small nap, though. If the child came home and I was tired, I might end up screaming at her for no reason. I didn’t want that.
As I started to doze off, the sound of something caught my attention. It sounded like air or something, I wasn’t sure at all, so I went to check. Come to think of it, I had no idea where Anzu was. I couldn’t believe I hadn’t even checked.
The origin of the noise seemed to be the bathroom… Upon listening for a few more seconds, I’m sure it was crying… She was... crying? I looked over to her wheelchair on the side of door and immediately the thought of her having hurt herself trying to get in filled my mind. Without any hesitation, I pushed the door open, expecting the worse.
What I got was something different, however. She was sitting on the toilet with nothing but a shirt on, quickly trying to wipe tears from her eyes to look composed. I’d already heard her, there was no way her putting on that quick smile was going to trick me into thinking she was okay.
“What’s wrong?”
“Ah…nothing…” She used her hands to push her thighs together. I was intruding on her private time… But, seeing her vulnerable like this was… feeling impossible to pass up.
“You can talk to me, Anzu.” The words pushed themselves out of me and my hands went to lock the door behind me as if we weren’t already alone.
“Hmm…There were steps to go into her school and I couldn’t get up them since I’m in the chair and all… She wanted to push me, but then she’d be late. I… tried to walk into the bathroom just to see how my legs were, but I ended up having use my arms to get here anyway.” The smile she put on was honestly painful to me. I felt that me showing my constant discomfort physically was better than hiding it behind a smile. Maybe she wanted to look good in front of her daughter…
“Is that it?” I asked, feeling like something like that wouldn’t hit her this hard after all these years.
“No,” She quietly shook her head. “I’m just stressed altogether. I don’t know if I’m making the right choices for her. I know we’re constantly bothering you and I need more help than I can put out to do some things…”
I felt like such a bad person. She was telling me her worries and I was examining her like a piece of meat. I was happy she was as stressed as she was just as much as I was sad about it. But, I don’t know which feeling drew me to pushing her legs apart without a word to actually console her with. Maybe the sexual frustration had gotten to the breaking point, or maybe this was my way of consoling her, but I couldn’t control myself since she was right there.
Gently, much like in my fantasies up until now, I raised both her legs and set them on my shoulders, pulling her lower body forward just a little bit. I didn’t want to look at her face as I started to tongue at her. I was scared she was disapproving at first, but that was until I heard the first moan and felt her fingers slither through my hair into a light grip.
That was likely what broke the dam in my mind and numbed my sense of guilt for the rest of our act. I could feel her legs gently try to clench around my neck with almost every lick of her clit, her hips moving just a little at times to get herself as close to me as she could get. Anzu became wet just as quickly as I remembered, warming her up this way always did work.
“Ki—“ I’m sure I heard her try to say my name, but I cut her off without a doubt with my fingers.
I’d slipped my fingers into her without warning. I wasn’t going to be gentle with her. This wasn’t supposed to be loving. So, I worked my fingers against her walls roughly until she couldn’t control her voice. Her body was just as easily pleased as it used to be. Though, that also meant that she was just as loud when she really got going and I did want anyone to hear her.
To quiet her, I pushed two fingers past her little lips and pinched her small tongue between my fingers. As if by instinct, she started to lick and suck at them until her spit was rolling down my fingers. Every part of her was absorbed her in this now and so was I.
Once the orgasm hit her, she bit down violently on me to the point I’m sure she broke skin, as many strands of her drool rolled down my arm. Her walls convulsed around my fingers before I slowly pulled them out of her. I wasn’t anywhere near done with her. Even more important, I was wet too and this wasn’t going to just end with her feeling good.
Silently, I lifted her from the toilet, leaving the clothes she’d already taken off on the floor and carried her to my room. I set her down roughly on the bed with a plop as she was trying to catch her breath and locked the door with more urgency than most people would say was needed. The only thing on my mind right now was attacking her.
Anzu watched me escape my clothes as if I was on fire looking like she was in a trance. I ripped the scrunchie from my hair and let it fan out before jumping on top of her. I wasted no time removing her shirt and running my tongue from her navel and over the swell of her breast all the way up to her lips. There was a bit of red mixed with the dribble on her pout and kissing her gave me the faint taste of iron in my mouth. Which meant I’d have new scars on my fingers before long.
I took out my aggression on her body. The bruises I put on her weren’t just from kissing, but me handling her arms roughly and even her legs. She didn’t complain or even seem as if she was in any pain except when I put bite marks into her neck. At this point even if she said stop, I didn’t plan on it. It felt so good having her warmth attached to me again and causing her to feel this kind of pleasure. Even now, I knew this body better than anyone.
Every moan she sang to me was a confirmation that I was doing something right for a change. That I was still capable of making her happy in some way or form. At the same time making her make these noises and purposefully taking advantage of her was my way of fighting back on her decision to cheat. Each new drop of blood, sweat or tears felt like punishment she deserved.
Going along with making her my puppet, I lifted one of her legs and quickly brought the sources of our wetness together. Seeing her below me and clutching at the sheets was motivating me. It was filling me with energy past what I felt like I actually had. Part of me wanted to reward her for lasting this long despite being a helpless thing now.
So, I channeled my anger into grinding against her next. Finally, physical pleasure coursed through me. I’d been waiting for this for a long time and it was finally happening. I’d missed the feeling of Anzu in general and finally getting to get rid of the sexual frustration actually brought a smile to my face.
I’d eventually lost count of how many times I’d made Anzu come since it took me a while to actually satisfy myself and I made sure that I had before I actually plopped down next to her heaving body. I was now somewhat physically and somewhat emotionally contented, but I knew that wouldn’t last for long.
As I closed my eyes to try and sleep something soft had touched my lips like it was waiting for this chance. Tiny hands cupped my cheeks as Anzu’s lips gently played over mine. This kiss was… tender. I could feel the love in it. It was the exact opposite of what I’d been doing to her. It was so nice and loving that suddenly I was feeling guilty again, but also confused. I thought she’d hate me, but whatever this was expressed the exact opposite emotion.
“That’s what they feel like, Kirari,” She said as she clumsily climbed herself on top of me, lying her head on my breasts.
Ah, she must be talking about the kisses I used to give her… Maybe she did understand some part of what I was trying to express back then. Regardless, I wasn’t going to ask her. I didn’t want to think about being anymore wrong than I already was.
Before I knew it we’d fallen asleep holding each other. Normally I had trouble sleeping immediately, but it must’ve been her warmth that gave me just enough comfort to sleep without being tortured by my own thoughts.

When I woke up it took me a while to realize that it was evening. My eyes had rolled around the room, addressing the lighting, clock and Anzu until it suddenly struck me that the child wasn’t here and it was hours past when someone should’ve gotten her.
“Shit.” I gently pushed Anzu to the side, pulling on just my sweats and zipping up my hoodie then jetting out into the living room.
She wasn’t here, or in their bedroom. We’d actually slept past it. Did she know how to get home even? If she was hurt, then it was my fault. And it was cold outside. The last thing I wanted was for her to freeze out there. I’d run around and look for her if need be. Quickly, I pulled on shoes and tore the door open. The cold that hit my face only served to make me even more afraid.
“Kirari!” I’m sure that was the first time I’d ever said her name aloud, much less be concerned for her wellbeing.
But, there she was on the side of the door, sitting and curled up into a ball as the wind and snow whipped at her. She’d tucked her knees and arms into her coat. Her scarf was tightly wrapped around her face and you could barely see her eyes in combination with the hat. She definitely didn’t look as cold as it was outside.
“Morohoshi!” Her voice was muffled, but I’m sure what she was trying to say was my name. Slowly, she grew to her full height like a flower coming to bloom and wrapped her arms around my waist.
For once, I didn’t reject her. Because I was actually relieved that she wasn’t hurt or freezing. For once that wasn’t a feeling I was conflicted about. If she’d ended up hurt, then I had no idea what I would’ve done. I didn’t want to feel like I’d hurt someone else again, least of all Anzu’s child.
“How long have you been waiting out here?” Quickly, I pulled her in and rushed to the kitchen to make her some hot tea.
“A few hours. I knocked but no one answered. I thought you were asleep, so I waited outside.” She slowly pulled her coat and other things off, to my relief showing a thin sheen of sweat on her skin.
I can’t believe we slept that long or that hard. I practically shoved the tea in her hand and looked her over the moment it was done. She looked fine and her fingers were warm. She really padded up well. There was Anzu to thank for that.
“You said my name.” She said proudly as if I’d given her some kind of reward.
“Yeah.” There was no denying it at this point.
“That makes me happy.” It was obvious in her voice too.
This was the most attention I’d given to her since they’d moved in. My relationship with the child wasn’t as bad I’d wanted it to turn out because she was so… resilient. None of my words had much effect on her no matter how rude I tried to sound. She always tried to approach me from another angle than the last. Living on a farm and being raised by Anzu had probably taught this one a lot about being self-sufficient at a really young age.
“Your mother is asleep. I’ll make you dinner.”
“Okay!”
The child took her seat on the couch and started humming something very familiar as I started getting some curry together. Suddenly I was feeling a bit ashamed that most of my cooking abilities had been reduced to curry. I was also feeling a little bad about caring what this child thought of my meals to begin with.
After a while I realized what she was humming. It was one of my songs from my idol days. Months ago that would’ve bothered me, but I didn’t feel the need to be mad about it right now. Maybe it was because of what I’d done with her mother that I was feeling much more tolerant right now.
As we ate together, the child for some reason felt the need to lean against my arm directly after she was done. She was probably tired after having to sit outside all that time. I wonder how many times she’d knocked before feeling like she just wasn’t going to get a response. I’d make her a key next time.
“Did you have fun being an idol?” She asked this as innocently as she asked any question.
“I did, but I don’t like thinking about it.”
“Why did you quit?”
“Things happened and I had to move here.”
“Do you have fun here or at work?”
“Hmmm… I don’t think I’m having much fun, but I’m not having a bad time, either.”
“You were a lot meaner to us at first. You reminded me of my uncle.”
“How’s that, kid?” I opened up a beer in between my question, feeling oddly relaxed at the moment.
“He didn’t like us. He yelled at mom a lot for things she couldn’t do and didn’t like the things she could do. But, even when I helped out they thought it wasn’t okay. They wouldn’t let me be mommy’s legs. It made me mad.”
I couldn’t say anything to that. I had no idea how they were being treated at all over there before now. It must’ve hurt coming back into that same situation, especially for a child. As much as I didn’t want to have sympathy for either of them, I did. Overtime my feelings had blurred together even more. I wasn’t sure what emotion I held towards these two anymore…
“You’re a good kid.” I think that was the first time I’d ever complimented her. I more or less said it in passing, or hoped she’d interpret it that way, but she’d suddenly shot up straight and pulled out a smile I thought would blind me.
“Thank you!”
If I could forget the circumstances of her birth, I could’ve smiled right along with her, I’m sure. No matter how much stress that was relieved from me for the rest of today at least, there were some feelings I felt were permanent and that was one of them. So, my response was a simple nod and I kept my words short with her for the rest of tonight.

Over the course of the next month, not much had actually changed. The kid had asked various questions about why her mother looked the way she had after she’d woken up and even wondered if she was attacked by an animal or something. I’m not quite sure how Anzu talked her way out of the situation, but she had.
My relationship with Anzu hadn’t changed much since that day… Except that sometimes we went to each other for relief be it talking or sex. As long as I didn’t think about what our relationship was or could be, I wouldn’t have to be confused. I could live in that small world that we created when we were alone and keep everything else separate.
What had actually rocked the boat for us was an outside source. A simple knock on our door one weekend morning that I didn’t have work. Of course, I was wondering who that could’ve possibly been. Anyone I was ‘friends’ with was never given my address. My work phone was how I was contacted, so no one outside maybe my landlord and the two who lived with me should’ve been at the door.
Tensing up a bit, I went to go answer it. Only enough to stick my head out, but immediately I praised myself for being careful. Upon seeing who was there, I almost blew up inside. The familiar feeling of anger washed over me as I thought about all the trouble this could bring.
With the hostility of a furious bull, I stepped out and closed the door behind me, gritting my teeth together. Out of all the reasons I had to be angry right now, the one that stuck out most in my mind was that this would affect the kid.
“What do you want, Producer?” Of course I was making sure to look as intimidating as possible. I’d prefer to just scare him off, but he wasn’t budging.
“I want to see Kirari. Her family told me that she was here living with you… I’ve tried to keep my distance, but I don’t think it’s okay for me to just not be involved in my daughter’s life.”
Preemptively, I took a calming breath. I had no plans on making a scene or getting into any kind of fight with this man. I didn’t even want to yell or alarm the others. I had to do my best to handle this calmly and not absorb his words.
“She’s fine. Nice and healthy. Now, don’t ever come back here again. I don’t need the confusion or the extra stress and neither do they. Think before you do something. Leave or I’ll call the cops.”
I wasn’t going to call the cops even if he did stand around. It was a bluff, but he took it anyway with an apologetic bow. I watched his back grow smaller and smaller until he vanished just like I wish my problems would. If that was the last of him, I would be happy. But, I didn’t think that someone who put in the trouble to track me down wouldn’t back at some point.
Upon getting back into the house I immediately rolled Anzu into the room without a word, closing the door behind me. Perhaps I should’ve said something to her first as she’d started slowly lifting up her shirt.
“You know, Kirari’s obviously home, but if we can keep quiet, we could pull this off.”
“That’s not what you’re here for this time.” I rose a hand to make it obvious I wanted her to stop.
“O-oh…” That was the first time I’d seen her blush in a long time. With obvious reluctance, she fixed her shirt, almost looking disappointed. “What is it?”
“The person at the door was the Producer. He wanted to see the child.”
Anzu clicked her tongue immediately. At least she thought he was a nuisance as well. I was thinking she’d side with him for some reason.
“I know what I’m doing is wrong, but I still don’t want him to have any involvement. Can you keep him away?”
“Why are you asking me?” I tilted my head, hoping she wasn’t implying what I was thinking.
“You’re tough now, right? Can’t you scare him off or something without hurting him?”
“I told him I’d call the cops if he stayed here. At the very least I doubt he’ll come back to the house again. Well, he might. He’s the type that’s use to being persistent. I’ll put a bit of muscle to work next time.” Of course I didn’t plan on hurting him, but scaring him shouldn’t be hard. Man or not.
“I never even told Kira about him. It’d be pretty confusing for her now after putting the idea in her head that you’re her mother.”
“That’s really selfish of you, Anzu.”
“No one’s perfect.” She put on a genuine smile. As long she knew she was wrong, there wasn’t much I could say. We didn’t want him around for different reasons, but a shared enemy was welcome to me.
Unfortunately, the next time I saw him was two weeks later. When I laid eyes on him I intended on avoiding him entirely. I thought that maybe it was a coincidence, but the small hand in his own was what caught my eye. Even more so the person whose hand he was holding sent fire through my veins.
“What did I tell you?!” He’d just become the singular target of all of my ire. I stomped to him as if I had horns to gouge him with and snatched Kirari’s hand away from his.
“I just went to—“ Maybe it was the look on my face, the people staring at us, or the child’s obviously dismayed face that stopped him, but he shut his mouth immediately.
I didn’t wait for him to maybe think something up. Instead I pulled her along and back towards home as if she were a wagon, not worrying much about how fast as I was going since I was using the urge to punch a hole through the Producer to help me get away him faster.
“Why did you let a stranger pick you up from school? Anzu didn’t teach you better than that!?”
“Ah…He was in your pictures that I looked up at school… I thought he was your friend. He said he’d walk me halfway.”
I didn’t think that he’d go to her school to see her. I’d always figured I’d have to deal with him coming to our house again… Now we had a problem if he was going to try being alone with her. Seems like he didn’t tell her anything other than that he was our old producer, but I had to be sure.
“What else did he say to you?”
“He just listened to me talk about you and mom. I’m sorry, Moroboshi.” The shame in her voice was tangible. It wasn’t often she made mistakes doing anything, which was impressive for a child. So, I had to imagine this felt particularly bad to her.
“This isn’t a sorry matter. You could’ve really gotten hurt regardless of what you think you knew…”
“I’m sorry…” She hung her head low from the corner of my eye and it didn’t take long for the sniffling to start. I didn’t mean to make her cry.
“Don’t cry. It was just one mistake. Just don’t do it again.”
Once I got her home I immediately started making a snack for her out of habit. Since she’d started school, I’d gotten used to having something ready for her by the time she got back if it was my turn to pick her up. I’m happy that Anzu had a checkup today or she would’ve been the one who had to scare off Producer. And I doubted that was even possible for her.
My fridge had certainly gotten healthier overtime. I’d learned that the child’s favorite fruit was tangerines, so I made sure to stock up on those. Part of me felt that I’d started to take way too many actions for the sake of something that shouldn’t exist, but that feeling was starting to numb as time went on. Yet, I already knew how I was. I just needed a strong reminder.
“Here,” I set the separated tangerine and cold tea in front of her, but she didn’t touch them. Her hands and eyes were glued to her lap. “Come on, I told you it was just a mistake.”
I took the seat next to her, not quite trying to console her, but not wanting to leave her alone, either. I’d honestly never seen her this down before. Did I scare her? I’d been doing my best to keep myself in check around her. Maybe she saw how furious I was with the Producer and found me scary now.
“The kids at school said that two girls can’t have a baby when I told them both of my parents were idols.” Her voice was barely a whisper. It clearly wasn’t something she wanted to say, but she asked anyway.
I, on the other hand had a knot in my stomach immediately. This wasn’t something I wanted to talk about at all. I didn’t want to uproot feelings of disgust towards this child right now. Everything was fine below ground, but that wouldn’t satisfy her, I was sure.
“You don’t have to listen to them…” I didn’t want to lie to her about anything, but my heart was starting to hurt so quickly that it was scary.
“Everyone there has a Dad… So, I was wondering where mine was. Did he run away? You said you’re not my other mom even though mom says you are… Do you know where my dad is? Could we find him?”
I’d taken to covering my face with my hand as she continued talking. I’d be happy if my shaking was noticeable to her. Maybe she’d think I was crying and that’d distract her. But, I was angry. I didn’t want to think about this at all right now. I didn’t want to hear words about it spoken to me. Everything she was saying to me had nothing but purity behind it. She wasn’t doing anything wrong at all, but I couldn’t answer them without yelling. So, I stayed quiet.
“Moroboshi?” She touched my shoulder a little to get my attention.
Please stop touching me. I’ll say something bad if you keep bothering me. But, she kept nudging until suddenly I felt her weight leave the couch. What she brought back was a cup of water that she held under my chin.
“Are you sick?”
“Yes…” The word leaked out as if I couldn’t control my mouth anymore.
“Can I help you? What do you want?”
“You….” I really couldn’t control myself, huh? Living with them wasn’t easy at all. The sex with Anzu could only solve so much. In the end I was just letting air out of the balloon sometimes, but the amount that left was getting lower and lower each time.
“You want me?” Once my hand fell from my face, she tilted her head. I’m sure she couldn’t understand what I was talking about.
“Yes, but I can’t have you…”
“But, I’m right here. Look,” She put her hands on her cheeks as if to confirm her presence. Naturally, she was taking everything I was saying at face value since she was a child. She even took one of my hands and put it on her cheek next. “See?”
I shook my head. Even if I told her she wouldn’t understand at all, but the words were coming out anyway. The things I’d never actually gotten to say to anyone all these years were finding their way to a child no less.
“You should be my child, but that’s just…not possible…You shouldn’t even exist to begin with… But, that my fault. I couldn’t make you if I wanted to. That’s sad, isn’t it? I can’t even make myself happy.”
“I…Moroboshi… I shouldn’t be alive?”
If I was in her position I’d be looking at everything else except the person saying it to me, but she was staring at my face. Even this child was stronger than me. But, that made sense. Anzu had made a mistake, but she’d become a pretty strong person after it and did her best to teach Kirari what she could. I’d just been running all this time, and now I was sitting here venting to a child.
“You…I just want…”
I don’t know when the last time I cried was actually. Eventually I spent more time being angry and venting with violence than anything else. There was a lot of things that I never got off my chest and I think that this was the one I wanted to say the most.
“It’s okay.” When her hands slipped around my waist, I’d frozen. I thought that I had just said the worst things I could possibly say to a child, but she was comforting me anyway.
“Why are you hugging me? Didn’t I just hurt you?”
“My mom told me there’s a lot of things I won’t understand until I’m older… But, she told me I should help people who cry…”
Hesitantly, I returned the hug. Now I was being consoled by her. I didn’t deserve any comfort from her and part of me didn’t want it, but I squeezed her close. I imagined she was my own child, that I’d raised her. I imagined her hair was a different color and that it didn’t matter what gender I was to be able to make a child of my own with Anzu.
“I’m sorry…I’m sorry…” I repeated it several times, as if she’d even understand why I was apologizing. Honestly, I didn’t know why or who I was apologizing to. It could’ve been myself for being weak or to her since I rarely treated her the way she deserved.
“You’ve been nice to us.” She squeezed me with all the strength her little body could muster which just made me cry into her hair even more.
I squeezed her back, trying to get as much warmth from her as possible. I felt like I was being so greedy. I hadn’t even forgiven her existence yet, but I was thinking that maybe I could continue living with her and Anzu… It felt nice.
We eventually laid there and I listened to her speak. When asked about how she learned to take care of her mother so well, her response was that she was raised being asked for help to do things. She was the youngest person on the farm, but everyone considered her more capable than her mother by the time she was three.
Kirari had never known why her mother was stuck in a chair, only that she should be helping out wherever she could. Even when she asked me again, I decided not to answer her. If I told her it was my fault, I didn’t want to know how she’d react. She really felt she had to be her mother’s legs. I reluctantly informed her that we shared the same goal, which made her hug me even tighter.
“Is that why we have the same name, Moroboshi?”
“I think it’s actually the opposite, Kirari. She wants to help us both the most she can. Just like we do.”
“I don’t understand, but it sounds nice,” She climbed over me as if we were suddenly best friends, lying her head on my breasts without the slightest bit of hesitance.
“I don’t really understand, either.”
The last thing I thought I’d ever do with this child was cry myself to sleep with her. We’d ended up holding each other and talking a little about ourselves until she’d suddenly gone silent and I followed suit. I was too emotionally drained now to keep my eyes open and I was taking advantage of having someone to sleep with.

What woke me up was Anzu finally coming into the house, but the child didn’t budge. She rolled forward to say something, but was actually shocked into silence upon seeing our state. I was genuinely embarrassed for the first time in a while. I didn’t have anything to say as her eyes went from me to the child repeatedly.
“Kirari on Kirari action.” Were the first words out of her mouth as she started to grin ear to ear. She looked proud like she’d created this situation herself.
“How was the checkup?” I didn’t want to talk about this.
“Everything went fine. I’m the same as usual. More importantly, what caused this?” She lifted the long dress she had on past her knees and wiggled her legs a little.
“Ah…A lot of things happened, but I want to talk to you about something important.”
The smile on her face faded a little. It was rare I initiated a conversation with her unless it was about something a little less than savory. She nodded and started to roll to the room, expecting me to follow, but I stayed here. This was something I felt needed to be done for the child, so it was right that she was here, asleep or not.
“Anzu, we should go talk to the Producer.”
You could hear the metal protest her sudden stop in the hallway in response to my question. With vigor she returned to my side, staring me in the eyes as if I was trying to conduct some sort of scheme to kill her. I’m sure she never expected me to say that. Honestly, I was having trouble believing I was saying it, but I’d come to a realization as I was speaking to Kirari. I could feel however I want, but there was no reason to tie the child down because of it.
“Why?”
“She asked me… If I could find him and why he wasn’t around. Everyone at school has a dad and she’s worried about why she doesn’t have one. I think it’d make her comfortable…”
Anzu bit into her lip silently. The way she was looking at me showed she was clearly searching for something. I’m sure she felt my change of mind was sudden, but honestly there wasn’t much changing of mind going on here. I just… felt I should separate my problems from her… I didn’t know how to say it.
“Then we’ll do it tomorrow after school. If it makes her happy, I’ll do it.” It was obvious she was against the idea in her own mind, but she’d agreed the moment her daughter was involved. Even more impressive was that her face was full of resolve.
Then, I had the thought that it was likely the same mindset as mine. Didn’t that mean I had the mindset of a mother now? Was this how it felt? I didn’t feel anymore happy about this than she did, but I wanted it to happen if only to ease this kid’s worries a little bit. I knew I wasn’t on the level of Anzu yet, but a small part of me wanted to get there.
Then, for some reason Anzu crawled her way besides us on the couch and wrapped her arms around me too. This couch barely had enough room for the three of us lying the long way, but she somehow squeezed herself on my side. My heart felt like this was way too much warmth or comfortability than I deserved. It wasn’t like I’d suddenly become a better person… but maybe I could be greedy today.
“She’s cute isn’t she?” Anzu murmured, stroking Kirari’s hair.
“You did a good job with her, Anzu-chan.”
“Huh? Did you just call me Anzu-chan?”
“I didn’t say anything like that.”
“You did! Kirari said you called her by name too!”
Ah, now I was really embarrassed. I turned my head away as the child squirmed around on my chest, eyes fluttering open and looking between both of us before staring at her mother.
“How was the doctors?” Was the first thing out of her mouth.
“Kirari, she called you by name before, right?!”
“When I was stuck outside.”
“I told you she’d soften up to us.”
“She hugged me today and said she wanted me.”
Now they were making fun of me or something. For today, I decided to accept the feelings I’d normally run away from and be confused about. I let the embarrassment and feelings of togetherness flow through me without trying to muddy them with other negative feelings. Part of me felt like I’d earned this much and I focused on that instead of what I did or didn’t deserve.
The next day we’d taken her to a restaurant to try out this tangerine chicken stir-fry that she’d been wanting to try. We hadn’t told her that the Producer was coming to sit down with us. We felt it would be a nice surprise if she was comfortable before it happened. Us on the other hand were filled with reluctance. Wanting her slurp down that food happily only did so much healing for us.
It felt like an eternity before he finally came over and took the third seat at the table. His eyes locked with me and Anzu’s glares for just a moment before landing on Kirari, who was genuinely surprised with the situation. She’d stopped eating and moved her eyes from us to him repeatedly, silently looking for an explanation. As usual, the child was the first one with the strength to say anything.
“Hi, Mr.Producer. Did you make up with Moroboshi?”
“Ah… You could say that. We’re here to tell you something, Kirari.”
“Hmmm?”
“I am your Father, Kirari.”
All of our eyes went to her face, trying to judge her reaction to the situation. First, she tilted her head and immediately looked to the both of us for confirmation. Of course, we both nodded and then she practically became a ray of sunshine. Even with that, it honestly took every part of me to root myself to my seat and not run to the bathroom and vomit or something. This was harder than I thought it’d be, but it was for the child, so I had to do it.
“So, I have three parents?!” She yelled loud enough for other people to look over in our direction, but no one told her to quiet down.
“I’m—“ I tried to correct her, but Anzu hit me under the table. Guess I was supposed to let her have her excitement here.
Our personal relationship with the Producer didn’t really change. Anzu didn’t attempt to reconnect with him on a personal level and I still didn’t want to see his face unless need be. But, for Kirari we learned how to get along around her. As time went on I actually felt somewhat mature for being able to separate my problems from her upbringing.
Things were never the same as they were when we were younger between me and Anzu. We never officially got back together, but I could never imagine them moving out, either. I think that they healed me a little over time, but the damage that was done could never fully be reversed. Little by little my smile became more frequent over time, at least when I was in their presence.
As far as whether or not I was happy now… I was comfortable. Though, letting the child call me Mom as well tended to wear down on me sometimes. The child was growing up with more parents than every child in her school now and seeing her take pride in that was actually nice. Having her spend time with the Producer not only gave me and Anzu some more alone time, but she was convinced she wanted to become an idol. She wanted to follow in my footsteps in particular, even. I honestly felt… flattered that Kirari liked me that much. Living out the rest of my life quietly with them would certainly be better than being alone, after all.