Work Text:
Knock.
Once. Twice.
Jinki waited, a big, brown leather bag hanging from his shoulder, his right hand hovering over the white lacquered door in front of him, going in for a third knock.
No response.
With a sigh he checked the time on his wristwatch, the band cutting slightly into his skin as he had fastened it too tightly on his way out that morning.
6:32pm, he was perfectly on time.
He looked around the hallway, the corridor as silent as a funeral home, the lights dimmed and flickering with an unnerving clicking sound.
“Hello? Is anyone home?” he tried again in a loud, insistent voice, leaning in to hear if there was any sign of life inside. Pinching the bridge of his nose in surrender, he mused about what to do, bouncing on the balls of his feet in thought. There was nothing worse than clients cancelling on him without any notice. With slouched shoulders he was about to turn around and leave when the door in front of him suddenly clicked and opened a tiny crack, a head with a mop of tousled, ash blonde hair appearing behind it.
“I’m sorry, I was asleep.”
The voice sounded soft and sweet, standing in strong contrast to the gaunt and unhealthily pale person standing before him, dark circles prominent beneath the lower lash line of their eyes, lips dry and chapped.
“I’m sorry to disturb you, but according to my schedule we have an appointment set for 6:30pm. My name is Lee Jinki,” he introduced himself professionally with a bow, hands holding onto the strap of his shoulder bag.
“Ah yes – yes…I’m sorry – um, come in. I’m Jonghyun.”
The door was opened further and Jinki was greeted by a one room apartment, darkened by closed, heavy curtains. Candles burned in every corner, filling the small space with a mix of different earthy and woody scents.
“So – What do we do? Do we hug?”
Jinki looked up while slipping out of his worn-out, white sneakers, placing them next to the entrance, which was cluttered with unorganized pairs of boots and running shoes. Jonghyun was a tad smaller than him in height, his fragile looking frame hugged by a black hoodie that hung on him like a potato sack, making his body appear almost shapeless.
“We do whatever you are feeling comfortable with,” Jinki replied calmly, taking off his shoulder bag to set it down next to him on the beige colored carpet, his hands pulling down the hem of his white long-sleeve shirt. There was a weak nod and Jinki noticed how the other pulled nervously on the sleeves of his hoodie until his hands completely disappeared underneath them.
“You have a really nice place. It smells lovely in here.”
Jinki tried to make Jonghyun feel less nervous, looking around the room to give out polite and sincere sounding compliments. People tended to be anxious and reserved the first time Jinki showed up at their front door, not really knowing what to expect of him. It was part of his profession to make his clients relax, to give them the feeling that they could trust him, and the impression that he was just an old friend who happened to stop by for a casual chat.
“I like to collect candles; their scents calm me,” came the soft reply, and Jinki hummed knowingly, stepping a little closer to point at Jonghyun’s hand.
“Is it okay if I hold your hand or is that too much for you right now?”
Initiating some form of body contact right in the beginning of a session often helped his clients to relax, the feeling creating some sort of unspoken bond between them. Jonghyun seemed to hesitate, gaze lowered and fixed on the tips of his fingers that peeked out of his sleeves.
“My hands tend to get sweaty easily,” he admitted in a tiny voice, rubbing his sleeves against his black sweatpants as if to make a point.
“I don’t mind, really.”
Jinki tilted his head a little and put on his warmest smile as he reached out his hand, not grabbing for the other’s, but patiently waiting for him to take it. Jonghyun reminded him of a timid puppy who tried to hide behind its owners legs when guests arrived. It took a moment, but then he cautiously wound his fingers around his palm, the smile on Jinki’s face widening.
“You have a very engaging smile.”
Jonghyun’s voice was still soft and Jinki wasn’t sure whether he would even be able to hear it if he stood a little farther away.
“Thank you,” he replied with another bow, well aware of the impact his smile had on others.
Jonghyun’s hand felt fragile and warm in his, the palm a little sweaty, the pads of his fingers digging into his skin. Gently running his thumb in smooth, reassuring circles around the back of Jonghyun’s hand, Jinki looked around, eyes falling onto the unmade bed in the middle of the room, the solid wooden frame occupying most of the living space.
“This feels weird.”
“Me holding your hand?” Jinki asked quickly, the movement of his thumb stopping abruptly, because he worried that the sudden closeness had made Jonghyun feel uncomfortable.
“No – no, not that. I mean – that you’re here. That I actually went through with this – it’s pathetic, isn’t it?” A small scornful sounding laugh followed, and Jinki saw him nibble on a scrap of skin on his bottom lip, pulling at it until a tiny drop of blood surfaced, contrasting to the pale pink of his lips.
“It’s not pathetic at all. You shouldn’t think about it like that.”
Many clients had their doubts in the beginning, regretting their decision of contacting the company he worked for in the first place, not wanting to be stigmatized as losers for making use of his services.
“It would be weird if you considered this pathetic. You make money off of people like me after all.”
“But money wasn’t the reason I started doing this. There was a time in my life when I felt quite lost and alone, and I would have loved to have someone in my life who just listens to me and simply holds me for a while, but there was no one,” Jinki explained sincerely, involuntarily remembering his past. Work and his strict boss had quickly become too much, consuming every aspect of his life, and he had found himself hollow and hopeless after only one year, having no energy to get up in the morning anymore.
“So you think it’s not questionable if someone hires you to cuddle with them?”
There was Jinki’s typical warm smile back on his lips as he shook his head, his brown slightly reddish hair falling into his forehead in soft curls.
“No, I don’t think it’s questionable at all,” he answered sympathetically, watching the tip of Jonghyun’s tongue dart out to lick his bottom lip, a questioning frown appearing on his forehead.
“Okay – so – what is the usual course of action? I mean – do we just lie down on my bed – and cuddle?”
Jinki couldn’t suppress a little laugh, holding his hand in front of his mouth in a polite manner.
“Well, if that’s what you want, of course. However, I will be here for the next two hours so maybe we can start with something to drink to get more comfortable. Shall I make us some tea or hot chocolate? Do you have anything at home?”
Jonghyun nodded quietly, pointing to the little kitchen area in the back corner of the room, only consisting of a white, cheap-looking cupboard with an integrated sink, two hotplates next to it, and a fridge underneath, a white shelf with spices and little dented metal pots in different sizes hanging above it.
“Tea sounds nice. I believe I have green and chamomile,” he explained and turned as if to walk over to his little cooking corner when Jinki held him back, shaking his head.
“Let me do it. You can sit down if you want to,” he offered kindly and let go of Jonghyun’s hand who rubbed his neck and looked over to his bed, wavering. He seemed to not surround himself with people often, his posture slouched forward, eyes constantly wandering around without coming to a halt. Jinki was curious about his client, but didn’t want to sound too intruding; therefore, he crossed the room to fetch the electric kettle standing on one of the hotplates in silence, filling it with water before switching it on.
“Do you like music?”
It was a casual question to bridge the time until the water started boiling. A question Jinki was sure Jonghyun would answer with ‘yes’. There were safe topics that always worked with clients: music and pets. Most people loved to talk about both and it made them feel more comfortable in their skin, conversations about kittens and puppies or their first musical love generally lifting up the mood.
“Yes – yes, I do. I’m actually a composer.”
Jonghyun stood still a little restless in the middle of his own apartment, playing around with the sleeves of his hoodie, and Jinki glanced at him over his shoulder.
“Oh really? What kind of music do you compose?”
“Nothing worth mentioning. I – I currently write a lot of jingles for commercials to keep myself above water, but that’s not what I want to do for the rest of my life.”
Jonghyun hiked his shoulders as he finally shuffled over to his bed, barefoot, sitting down on the very edge of the mattress, smoothening his crinkly gray bedsheets with his hands. There was not much to see in Jonghyun’s room except for the bed, a nightstand on each side of it, a bookshelf, and a simple white closet; no table, no chairs, no TV, and no photos anywhere.
“But jingles for commercials sound fun. Did you compose anything I might know?”
It was a genuine question and Jinki’s interest in hearing an answer wasn’t mere politeness. A few seconds passed before Jonghyun started humming a familiar melody, Jinki’s foot recognizing the rhythm and immediately tapping along to it.
“Wow…that jingle is from you? It’s very catchy,” Jinki concluded with a grin, starting to hum the melody of a ramyeon commercial himself while grabbing one of the metal pots from the shelf in front of him that had the word ‘TEA’ written on it in black sharpie, the letters uneven, parts of the ink already scratched off.
“Well, the money I made with it allowed me to hire a random stranger from the internet to stop by at my place and spend time with me. I really made it in life.”
There was a little sigh coming from the bed, and Jinki turned around for a second, watching as Jonghyun sank down on his bed and faced the ceiling, his arms outstretched like the ones of Jesus nailed on the cross.
“How did you find our site?”
“By accident,” he began, pausing for a moment. “It was one of those never-ending nights when you begin to lose any feeling of time and float on a cloud of nothingness. I read up on articles about insomnia and its causes, and one website showed an ad leading to your site. I clicked on it out of curiosity and the questions about depression, anxiety, and sleep loss on the home page kind of hit home, so I read more about it and here we are.”
Jonghyun lifted his arms up and then let them powerlessly fall back onto the mattress with a thump as if all life had been knocked out of him.
It was already noticeable in the way he started to articulate himself more casually that he got used to Jinki being around. He was quick to adapt it seemed. Not everyone was that easy, Jinki often needing to tiptoe around his clients for the whole session, wary of every possible contact mine he could step on. After cleaning and drying two differently shaped black mugs sitting in the sink, he chose two bags of chamomile tea in between a chaotic tangle of different brands, dousing them with steaming hot water as they huddled against the dark porcelain like castaways clinging to a piece of wood on the high seas.
“I’m glad to be here. You seem like an interesting person,” Jinki coaxed, angling for the little thread dangling from the tea bags to pull them up and dip them back into the water several times.
“Is there a manual you receive when you start your job, something along the lines of ‘how to act around a total loser’?”
There was a lot of negativity in Jonghyun’s words, but Jinki tried to look past it, wanting to replace the other’s pessimism with something more inspiring.
“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but there is no manual for acting like a decent human being,” he responded in a flat voice, listening to the tedious droning of the fridge, causing the water in the mugs sitting on the counter to create little circles on the surface. A short glance at his wristwatch told Jinki that it was now 6:43pm.
“How long have you been doing this?”
“Almost three years.”
Jinki pulled out the teabags and let them fall into the sink with a soft splash when he thought the tea had brewed long enough, taking both of the mugs, he walked over to Jonghyun, handing him one after he had sat up again.
“Three years is a long time. Then you must have come across a lot of lunatics and perverts by now.”
A soft chuckle fell from Jinki’s lips as he moved over to the headrest of the bed, an old looking dog plushie peeking out between three big, rucked up pillows.
“Less than one might think. Most people really just want someone they can talk to,” Jinki explained and then gestured at the mattress. “May I sit down?”
“Of course,” Jonghyun sputtered, turning around to face him, holding his mug securely in both hands as he crossed his legs. The mattress was way too soft, Jinki noticed as he settled down, feeling the springs digging uncomfortably into his thighs. His fingers automatically glided over to the little plushie, freeing it from the fortress of pillows it was caught in, and cradling its head between his fingers. The button nose was almost completely torn off, the fur felt rough and felted beneath the pads of his fingers, and some wadding stuck out on one of the hind legs. It wore a red collar around its neck, a metal tag hanging from it with the name ‘Roo’ scribbled onto it in a childish handwriting.
“Roo,” he said out loud as his finger ran over the tag, a smile appearing on his lips. He loved nostalgic relics like that, they told a lot more about their owner than one might think. Keeping an old, ragged plushie around meant that it had a lot of sentimental value. Maybe it had been a postnatal gift, or it made him think of his childhood pet.
“It’s my sister’s favorite plushie. She gave it to me when she moved to another city for university.”
Jinki looked up from the dog and over to Jonghyun who leaned over the tea mug, gently blowing on the surface.
“Are you two close?”
It was dangerous terrain Jinki wandered on. Questions about family were usually an absolute no-go in his field of work unless the client addressed it themselves, because it could trigger flashbacks of suppressed memories or emotions. He didn’t know why he had asked the question in the first place, it had just slipped out.
“She’s a little older than I am, but we were basically like twins while growing up. However, she’s married now with one child and lives by the sea. I haven’t spoken to her in a while. It feels awkward talking to her these days. Our lives are just so different.”
Jinki nodded with a low hum, watching Jonghyun as he carefully took a sip from his tea, testing the temperature. Although Jinki set great value upon looking at his clients through the eyes of a therapist who didn’t care about their physical appearance, he had to admit that Jonghyun had a very attractive face despite the sunken cheeks and dark circles beneath his eyes, and it made him realize that attractiveness didn’t help in keeping loneliness away.
If it did, he wouldn’t be here.
For a moment both of them sat on Jonghyun’s bed in silence and slurped their tea while Jinki scrolled through his regular protocol in his head, thinking about a light topic they could talk about, his gaze focused on the mug in his hand.
“Aren’t you wondering why I hired you and not one of your female colleagues?”
Glancing up from his mug Jinki tilted his head a little in question, Jonghyun looking at him curiously.
“Should I be wondering? You will have your reasons, and to me it doesn’t matter if my clients are female, male, or whatever they identify as.”
“Clients,” Jonghyun repeated thoughtfully, taking another sip before skidding to his nightstand and placing the mug there. “Your client – me – feels more comfortable with guys, that’s why I picked you. Women I don’t know always make me feel flustered for some reason. Besides, I liked your photo on the website, it looked cute, the smile and the V-sign. You have the looks of a kindergarten teacher or a nurse – not threatening.”
“Was that supposed to be a compliment?” Jinki’s mouth curled into a faint grin as he drank his tea, warm liquid filling his mouth. Jonghyun chuckled, a soft blush becoming visible on his cheeks, giving his face at least some color. He scratched his head sheepishly and turned around so he could rest his back against the pile of pillows leaning against his headrest, exhaling exasperatedly.
“Yes, it was. I’m just not very good at making them, sorry,” he admitted apologetically, folding his hands in his lap, starting to play with the long sleeves of his hoodie again. Jinki watched his hands for a while, and then silently put his mug aside.
“Would you like to lean against me? We can also lie down if you would like to.”
It was an open suggestion, Jinki turning his head back to Jonghyun to check if there was any sign of visible discomfort.
“Are there any boundaries when it comes to this?” Jonghyun pointed back and forth between them, pulling his knees up to his chest.
“Now this here,” Jinki borrowed the other’s gesture by pointing back and forth with a reassuring smile on his lips. “Includes everything regular friends would do, but nothing beyond that. No kissing, no touching below the waistline, no grinding. That’s about it,” he explained matter-of-factly, listing each rule on his fingers.
“You make petting sound so clinical.”
There was a snicker coming from Jonghyun’s side who covered his mouth with his hand as if he wanted to hide his smile.
“Well, you were the one who asked,” Jinki replied friendly, sliding down to lie flat on the mattress, stretching out his arm. Jonghyun seemed to be a nervous talker, trying to hide his insecurities by rambling. Sometimes his clients needed a little push, a non-verbal invitation to actually go through with what they had hired Jinki for in the first place. He was used to it and usually knew how to handle these kind of situations quite well.
“We can also spoon if you want to or you can place your head into my lap. Is there something you like in particular?”
Jonghyun shook his head as he moved closer, hesitating a second before nestling his head into the crook of Jinki’s arm, his hand hovering aimlessly in the air.
“Can I…”
“Sure, go ahead,” Jinki answered with a smile in the middle of Jonghyun’s unfinished question, looking at the other’s hand that aimed for his waist. It hesitantly settled down onto him, and Jinki felt the pads of Jonghyun’s fingers dip gently into his skin, unsure but noticeably craving for some kind of physical contact.
“Is it okay if I touch your hair?” Jinki asked a moment later when he was sure the other had found a comfortable position next to him, Jonghyun’s head resting against his chest, his arm now securely wrapped around his waist. A lot of people enjoyed the simplicity of getting their hair touched, it was an intimate but innocent gesture, and the act reminded many of good childhood memories, it suggested the feeling of being taken care of, of not having to worry about anything in the world.
There was an uncertain nod and Jinki turned a little onto his side, placing the hand of the arm that lay beneath Jonghyun’s head on his shoulder and let his fingertips glide over his temple and into his hair, combing it gently. The hair felt dry due to probably too much bleach in the past, but Jinki could feel how his stiff posture instantly softened, how he leaned into the touch, eyes falling shut, the corners of his lips curling upwards. He stroked his hair in a soothing motion, paying attention to running his fingers over the scalp as it was sensitive to touch due to all the nerve-endings beneath the skin.
“That’s nice,” Jonghyun whispered after a little while, his hand starting to run up and down Jinki’s side.
Jinki smiled to himself, feeling the sweet satisfaction of having accomplished something by being there for someone. It was good to know that he was good at his job, that he was able to help people relax and flee the chaos of real life for a while.
“You smell really nice, but I guess that’s part of your job requirement. It would be weird if you had that close of contact with someone and smelled like a garbage bag.”
Jinki chortled in response, twirling a strand of hair between his fingertips. It was frizzy; the ends split and dry looking.
“Yes, good hygiene is a must. That’s why we ask our clients to shower and put on fresh clothes before the appointment as well,” Jinki clarified, fingers diving through the bleached blond hair over and over again, almost automatically by now.
“I did shower and put on fresh clothes, just so you know. I just fell asleep afterwards,” Jonghyun muttered as if he wanted to make sure that Jinki knew that he had followed the preparations for their encounter as requested.
“I already figured that out, since you smell really nice as well. It’s a kind of citrusy and a little woodsy scent?” Jinki returned the compliment, seeing the smile on Jonghyun’s lips widening.
“Thank you. It’s called Voyage d’Hermes. I’ve used it day in and day out for the last several years. It somehow became my signature scent, it feels weird not wearing it.”
Jonghyun looked up then and leaned forward, sniffing Jinki’s neck for a moment, a quizzical look appearing on his face.
“You have a warm scent, a little flowery maybe, but there is also some…,” he leaned in again, Jinki feeling the tip of the other’s nose brush against the skin of his neck. There was a weird sensation rippling through Jinki’s body for just a second, and his eyelids fluttered, both flinching away immediately. Jonghyun quickly leaned back, looking a little bashful and remorseful, as if he had just committed a crime.
“…cinnamon. There is a faint note of cinnamon on you. It’s really nice,” Jonghyun added quietly, and cleared his throat, quickly going back to snuggling into the crook of Jinki’s arm and closing his eyes. “What cologne do you use? I haven’t smelled something similar before.”
“That’s just me – and cheap soap from the drug store. We’re not supposed to wear heavy colognes or perfumes; too distracting and some clients don’t like it. I don’t know where the cinnamon is coming from, though.”
Jinki pulled on the collar of his long-sleeve shirt to sniff himself, not noticing the cinnamon fragrance he allegedly had on himself.
“I had a pastry earlier, maybe there was some cinnamon in there,” he assumed and ran his fingers over the shell of Jonghyun’s left ear, noticing two silvery piercings; one in the earlobe and one in the upper part of the cartilage. Pressing both thumb and index finger at half height of the shell, Jinki started to massage the spot with circular motions, this specific pressure point helping with insomnia.
“Then I guess I just like your smell.”
The remark came out of nowhere and Jinki glanced down, the other still nestled into his arm, a peaceful expression on his face.
“There were some tests about finding the best compatible partner solely based on their natural scent in the 90’s, I believe. According to that test, women go for men who have a different set of compatibility genes than themselves, which apparently gives any potential offspring some sort of advantage. Well, if I were a woman I might just have found my genetically compatible partner to produce a superior human being,” Jonghyun rambled as if in thought, Jinki not being able to suppress a slight snort, noticing that the ear between his fingers was slowly turning red.
“Wow…your flirting game is unearthly,” Jinki joked, finding the smaller man in his arms more interesting by the minute. There was an air of ambiguity surrounding him; a very shy and timid side of his character that clashed with a very bubbly and talkative one. Jinki found it rather fascinating and somewhat charming; his job was more fun if he was confronted with people like Jonghyun.
“I wasn’t flirting, I was just stating a fact,” the other murmured, sounding like he was slightly offended. Jinki immediately apologized by pressing his cheek against Jonghyun’s head, the hair tickling his skin.
“Does it ever happen? I mean do you or any of your colleagues ever start something with a client?”
It was obvious how much the other disliked using the word client in the way he pulled a face whenever it rolled off his tongue.
“No, not that I know of. There is a line we have to draw. This is our job and not our private life. One part shouldn’t mix with the other.”
Jinki’s hand left Jonghyun’s ear and wandered down to his back, letting his palm glide aimlessly over the fabric of his thick hoodie.
“But did you ever think – Wow, that person is hot! Too bad I can’t kiss them or touch them inappropriately, because that’s out of line?”
“You are a funny one, aren’t you?” Jinki snickered, sliding a little downwards so he was on eye-level with the other, Jonghyun’s head automatically moving to rest on his upper arm. “Out of a hundred people there might be one I do think is very attractive, but like I said, this is my job and my personal attraction towards someone shouldn’t intervene with that,” he elaborated calmly, Jonghyun opening his eyes to look at him.
“You are disgustingly professional,” came the flat reply, Jinki’s grin only widening with a wink.
“Thank you, I guess,” he teased in response, the gesture even making Jonghyun laugh.
They fell silent after that, Jinki stroking Jonghyun’s back and hair while Jonghyun wound his legs around Jinki’s, holding them in a secure but not unpleasant hold. It was a cozy atmosphere with the curtains being closed and the candles casting a warm, flickering orange light around the room.
“It’s weird. I usually don’t open up this easily to strangers. What’s your secret?” Jonghyun asked all of a sudden, watching him curiously.
“That’s probably my kindergarten teacher aura,” he deadpanned, having already figured that the other was receptive to this kind of humor. There was a small pinch to his chest, making Jinki wince at first before he started laughing. He tousled the other’s hair in return, pulling him closer to his chest with his arms, almost rocking him in his embrace. Giving bear hugs was somewhat his specialty, scooping his clients up in his arms and giving them the feeling of being liked and valued, making them believe that there was still good in this hopeless world.
After all a simple hug could achieve more than one might think.
“Can we spoon?”
Jonghyun’s voice sounded muffled as his face was firmly pressed against Jinki’s chest.
“Sure, just turn around.”
Jinki lifted his arm to make it easier for the other to turn around when he looked over at Jonghyun who nibbled on his bottom lip.
“Do you mind if I’m the big spoon?”
His voice was softer again as if it made him feel embarrassed for asking such a question. Jinki was startled for a second, not having heard this question from anyone before. The people he had encountered until now all had enjoyed the feeling of being held more.
“Of course, no problem,” he answered finally, slowly pulling his arm from beneath Jonghyun’s head and turning onto his other side, facing the bookshelf now. It contained not just books but CDs and DVDs as well, everything placed together untidily without an apparent structure or logic. Jonghyun snuggled up close against his back, resting his head against his nape, one arm reaching around to hold onto his abdomen.
He felt the other’s steady breath ghost over his neck, the sensation somehow new to him. The position was unfamiliar and he wasn’t quite sure what to do with his arms. Even in his private relationships he had always been the big spoon since he liked the feeling of pressing his chest against someone’s back, to hold onto his partner, and nuzzling his nose into their hair.
The other’s chest felt solid and warm against his back, and he had to smile inwardly as he realized that Jonghyun had purposefully left some space between his hips and Jinki’s butt, probably not wanting to risk any rule violation.
“This is nice, it feels like hugging a big teddy bear.”
Jonghyun’s voice was low, and Jinki looked down at himself, watching as the other’s hand caressed his stomach fondly. Instinctively he flexed the muscles in his abdomen, holding his breath for a second.
“I go to the gym regularly,” he interposed, feeling slightly hurt for a reason he didn’t even understand himself. He could hear the other chuckle behind him, feeling the vibration of his body against his skin.
“I didn’t mean it like that. I can clearly feel muscles beneath my fingers, so you can stop flexing.”
Jinki felt his ears turn hot as he relaxed again, trying to go back to his professional self without letting the other know that this was unchartered territory for him. For a moment it felt like they had switched roles, Jinki turning from a professional to a client and vice versa.
“When I went to bed at night as a kid, hugging my favorite plushie close to my chest, I always naively believed that it could protect me from all the monsters beneath my bed, because it always emitted the warm feeling of loyalty and amity. It doesn’t make any sense, but hugging you feels the same way for some reason,” Jonghyun tried to explain, Jinki’s hand moving to the one that was placed on his stomach, interlacing his fingers with the other’s.
“That’s good. It means you feel comfortable with me,” Jinki uttered, his thumb stroking along Jonghyun’s. He wondered what monsters hid beneath Jonghyun’s bed these days, fears he didn’t want to face. Jinki closed his eyes for a moment, concentrating on Jonghyun’s breathing, the subtle movements of his upper body, his cologne mixing with the scented candles that were scattered around the room.
“Can I ask you a question?”
“Sure, go ahead,” Jinki replied, slowly relaxing into the unfamiliar position he was in.
“Your profile stated that you are 27, so we are about the same age. Do you sometimes feel pressured to buy a house, marry, and have children because everyone around you does those things?”
The question took Jinki by surprise since it took a whole different direction to their previous conversation, the topic feeling more serious now. He knew what Jonghyun was talking about, feeling more and more surrounded by newlyweds with children who didn’t have time to hang out anymore because they couldn’t find a babysitter on short notice.
“Sometimes I do feel like that, yes. My friends from high school and university are all married by now and most of them have children. It does make me think about my own life sometimes, and what is best for me and my future,” he pondered while pulling Jonghyun’s hand up to his chest, the other shifting behind him.
“And what do you believe is the best for you?”
“I think the best thing for me is to stop caring about society’s expectations. I’m not sure if I ever want to get married, maybe if the right person stumbles into my life at some point. And kids? Well, I like them, and it’s fun to spend some time with them, at least with older ones, babies are scary. However, I’m always glad when I can give them back to their parents. I’m more of a fun uncle type than a dad type, I guess,” Jinki elaborated, surprised by his openness to talk about his private life. He preferred to let his clients speak and usually kept his private thoughts hidden, not wanting to reveal too much personal information. But weirdly enough the other’s soothing voice made him forget that this was a scheduled appointment and not a date.
“I think you would be a good dad, though.”
The comment made Jinki snicker and he patted Jonghyun’s hand with his, shaking his head repeatedly.
“But you don’t know me, Jonghyun,” he replied matter-of-factly, sensing how the other stiffened behind him.
“Yeah, you’re right,” came the soft reply, “I don’t know you.”
There was hurt evident in the other’s voice, and Jinki felt sorry for being insensitive, having fallen out of his professional role once again. Apparently today wasn’t the brightest moment of his career.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean it like that,” Jinki backpedaled hastily, but he could feel that the damage was already done.
“You did mean it like that, but it’s okay. It’s the truth after all. I – I don’t know you, you don’t know me, and after these two hours we will both go our separate ways and will most likely never see each other again.”
There was silence after that, not the comfortable, cozy silence they had shared before, but an uncomfortable one that made Jinki question his career choice. Normally he never had any problems dealing with his clients, but now he didn’t know what to do, frowning as he looked for something uplifting to say.
“It’s okay, you don’t need to say anything.”
Jonghyun’s voice sounded different now; a little colder, a little dismissive somehow as if he had distanced himself again, retracting into his shell. Jinki decided to awkwardly turn around then and look at Jonghyun, eyes widening when he saw a single tear roll down the bridge of his nose.
“Are you crying?”
“No, I’m not,” came the defensive, quick reply, Jonghyun rubbing his face with the sleeve of his sweater, snuffling his nose, the tip slightly reddened.
“I’m sorry, Jonghyun. I really am. That was inconsiderate and rude,” Jinki tried again in an even softer tone, reaching out his hand to let the pad of his fingers run along the other’s temple.
“It’s fine. It’s fine, I’m just an easy crier. I even cry during Disney movies,” Jonghyun confessed and rolled onto his back, pressing his palms against the sockets of his eyes before taking a deep breath.
“Well, who doesn’t cry during Disney movies? Bambi losing his parents? Heartbreaking. Dumbo being tormented because he doesn’t look like the other elephants? It made me lose all hope in elephants…”
A small titter could be heard next to Jinki and when he looked at him, Jonghyun had his head turned towards him.
“I’m not sure whether you’re mocking me or trying to cheer me up.”
“Always go for the positive option,” Jinki suggested with a smile, taking one of Jonghyun’s hands into his and giving it a comforting squeeze.
“I always wanted to have kids. Two girls preferably, but if they are triplets I wanted to name them after the three elements of music: melody, harmony, and rhythm,” Jonghyun began all of a sudden, apparently not finished with the topic they’d previously discussed, pretending like Jinki hadn’t just made him cry.
“You apparently gave this a lot of thought already. What keeps you from having kids then?”
“The lack of intimate physical contact, my aversion towards meeting new people, my timid personality, my general gloominess, my negative outlook on life? You choose.”
“There is still the option of adopting,” Jinki interjected, lifting his arm when Jonghyun moved closer again, naturally snuggling up against his chest as if nothing had happened, his hand resting on Jonghyun’s lower back.
“What do you think are the chances for adopting a child as a single man who has no steady income and lives in a rundown apartment?”
“You are still young and have time to turn your life around, to live the way you want, to make the music you want, Jonghyun.”
Jinki tried his best to sound supportive, but Jonghyun only sighed into his chest and turned onto his other side all of a sudden, taking Jinki’s hand with him and placing it onto his abdomen.
He was more used to this, a territory he was accustomed to.
“Jinki, would it cross the line if you placed your hand on my tummy?”
The question made Jinki frown as his hand was obviously already placed on Jonghyun’s stomach.
“Where is my hand right now if that’s not your stomach?”
“I mean beneath my hoodie. I find the touch comforting in a way.”
“Oh, sure. Everything above the waistline is fine,” Jinki answered and removed his hand, looking over Jonghyun’s shoulder while the other lifted his hoodie, a pale, slightly sunken tummy becoming visible. Jinki didn’t have big hands by all means, but seeing it settle down onto the other’s skin made it appear huge in contrast, the palm covering Jonghyun’s belly button, his pinkie gliding over the thin line of fine, dark hair beneath it, the view quickly covered by the other pulling his hoodie down again.
“This feels nice,” Jonghyun sighed contently when Jinki started to let his fingers glide over his stomach in turns, always one or two caressing him before another one continued in another spot, his strokes gentle and slow as if his fingers were dancing along to a slow blues tune. Jonghyun’s skin was very soft, softer than Jinki had imagined it to be after touching the dry, straw disaster that was his hair.
“Did this job affect your relationships in some way?”
Jinki’s head leaned against Jonghyun’s shoulder, nestling against the fleece hoodie as his eyes closed, his senses concentrating on the movement of the other’s skin beneath his fingertips.
“What do you mean?” Jinki asked cautiously, not wanting to lose the coziness they had regained after Jinki’s misstep earlier.
“Isn’t it weird for a partner to know that the person they love and care about is constantly this intimate with others?”
Jinki considered his words for a while, thinking about his past relationships and whether his job had influenced them in any way. It had been a while since he had last shared his bed with someone in his apartment, but he didn’t consider this his job’s fault, but rather his reluctance to go out and meet new people after work.
“I don’t think so,” he started then, fingers drawing circles around Jonghyun’s belly button. “I’m – I’m not sleeping with my clients or kissing them. I see it more as some sort of therapeutic measure, more comparable to a physiotherapist maybe? Without the medical training of course. But physiotherapists are also very intimate with their patients in a way to make them feel better, right? I don’t think it influences their private relationships either.”
“But you don’t share your worries and fears with a physiotherapist. You don’t tell them what bothers you unless it has something to do with the pain in your body. It’s not just about physical intimacy but about emotional as well. I don’t know if I could handle being in a relationship with someone who is doing your job in a long run. I would probably become jealous at some point,” Jonghyun explained earnestly and took Jinki’s unoccupied hand, which was peeking out under his head, to play with his fingers. Jinki’s hand on Jonghyun’s stomach stilled in return, and he fanned out his fingers, the tips sinking into the other’s skin.
“I guess it really depends on the character of the person then. For some it might not be a problem and for others it is. You seem to belong to the latter group. Do you get jealous easily?”
“I don’t know. Maybe? Maybe not? I think it depends on how much I care about the person? It’s just – I – if I’m really in love with someone I don’t want to share them with anyone, it doesn’t matter if it’s private or a job. I’m not clingy by all means. It’s just that I don’t get easily attached to people, but when I do – Well, maybe I am the jealous type,” Jonghyun concluded finally with a little sigh, bending Jinki’s index finger up and down between his own fingers.
“I don’t think there’s anything bad about being a little jealous as long as someone doesn’t stalk their partner or snatch their phone to check it for any signs of infidelity. That takes it too far, but a pinch of it only shows that you care. It’s better than being completely indifferent towards everything your partner does.”
“Are you talking from experience?”
Jonghyun shifted then, Jinki’s hand sliding around his small waist as the other turned around in his arms again. He automatically tilted his head back when Jonghyun’s face got rather close due to their change in position, the other’s hand settling onto his hip.
“Partly. I’ve been together with someone who stopped caring after a few months of dating. It made me realize that we’ve reached a dead end and aren’t meant to be after all. It was time to move on. No hard feelings, though. Sometimes people just drift apart naturally without any drama involved.”
There was a small hum coming from Jonghyun before he looked up, studying Jinki’s face for a while without uttering a single word.
“What is it?”
Jinki forced himself to a smile, but felt rather intimidated by the other’s intense stare. Jonghyun’s deep brown eyes seemed to look straight into his soul, his gaze unwavering.
“Nothing. I just wanted to look at you for a moment,” Jonghyun replied nonchalantly and gave a little shoulder shrug, his head lowering again and his eyes blinking.
“And? Find something interesting?”
“One of your eyes gets smaller when you smile. It’s quite endearing to look at. And the moles on your chin and next to your eye are very cute as well. It gives your face something very unique, I like that. However, you should do something about your eyebrows. They seem to be a little out of control and should be trimmed and plucked otherwise you are going to end up with a unibrow one day.”
Self-consciously, Jinki reached up to rub the space between his eyebrows, trying to feel if there were any hairs that weren’t supposed to be there. It couldn’t be that bad. He hadn’t plucked the restive small hairs for a while, but he doubted that a bush had grown there in the meantime.
“It’s okay – It’s not that bad. Doesn’t make you any less attractive.”
Jonghyun had stated this simple sentence so casually that Jinki was stunned for a second, not quite sure how to respond. He looked down at the other for a moment who snuggled up to him as if he was a teddy bear, eyes closed, grinning like he was pleased with himself.
“Are you flirting with me?” he asked eventually, skeptically raising an eyebrow. In the beginning he had thought the other just might be joking to calm himself down, but at this point he wasn’t so sure anymore.
“Wow – either you are a little dense or I really have lost all my charms in the past year,” came the prompt response, and Jonghyun moved away a bit, bringing a little distance between himself and Jinki. It did happen sometimes that people slipped him a small note with their private number and some shallow words after their sessions, but it rarely happened that someone was so frank about it.
“Are you the same person who opened the door earlier?”
Jinki’s hand was on Jonghyun’s back now, holding onto him. He noticed how the other started to nibble on his bottom lip again while his fingers wandered over Jinki’s white long-sleeve shirt aimlessly.
“I am – I,” Jonghyun took a long breath before he scrunched up his nose, apparently searching for the right words. “It’s just that I’m usually a very awkward and quiet person around strangers, but you – I already told you – it’s just – it feels like I already know you? It’s probably some technique you learn during cuddle seminars or whatever you call them. But I still fell for it. Having you around has helped me relax, your scent and your aura calm me – and looking at you – it’s just really nice. I’m sorry for being weird. You – you probably get to hear that all the time from freaks like me.”
With that Jonghyun pulled his hand back from Jinki’s hip, letting it disappear into the sleeve of his hoodie, his eyes looking anywhere but the man next to him. For a moment Jinki hated his job and the rules that came with it, just wanting to lean forward to give Jonghyun a kiss, a little peck on the cheek to tell him that he was cute and that he felt flattered.
“No – no, I don’t get to hear that often. So, thank you,” he said instead, his words coming out more mechanical and stiff than he would have made them sound under other circumstances. They lay there on Jonghyun’s bed, both dwelling on their thoughts, Jinki watching Jonghyun quietly as the other fumbled with the sleeves of his hoodie, his bottom lip turning into a battlefield of scraps of skin.
“Sorry for making this awkward. I talk too much sometimes.”
Jinki pulled him closer with his hand then, making sure that the distance Jonghyun had created between them vanished once again, his actions meeting no resistance.
“It’s fine. Don’t worry about it,” he whispered and slipped his hand beneath Jonghyun’s hoodie, reassuringly stroking down his spine, gently gliding over every bump with his fingers, the other hand playing with the tips of his blond hair when Jonghyun snuggled back into the crook of his arm.
It was far past 9pm when Jinki took a look at his wristwatch, his eyes widening a bit after the realization hit him that he had forgotten to check the time while cuddling with Jonghyun who clung to him like a small monkey. His own long-sleeve shirt had been hoisted up on the back in the past hour, and Jonghyun held onto his shoulder blades, drawing abstract patterns around them, his skin nicely prickling beneath the touch.
Most of his colleagues set a timer in the beginning of a session so a low beeping sound reminded them of the imminent end of their appointment, but Jinki refrained from using these methods as he didn’t want his clients to feel like they were just a job or a duty that could be abandoned as soon as an alarm went off. He had developed a good grasp on time over the span of three years, only needing to check his wristwatch unobtrusively every now and then to see what time it was. So it confused him immensely that he had forgotten all about the end of the appointment this time. Another box he could check on his list of things he had done wrong today.
“It’s past 9,” he muttered a little drowsily, the atmosphere and the closeness to another warm body having made him sleepy, a yawn involuntarily escaping his lips.
“Oh.”
Jonghyun stirred next to him, his grip on Jinki instantly loosening.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t want to hold you up,” he murmured apologetically, pulling his legs away as they were tightly anchored around one of Jinki’s thighs.
“It’s not your fault. I just didn’t pay any attention to the time. I got too comfortable I guess,” he admitted sheepishly, rubbing the back of his head with a smile. If Jonghyun were to write a review about his service it would probably include the words ‘unprofessional’ and ‘scatterbrained’, Jinki thought as he sat up, smoothening his shirt before standing up slowly, not entirely sure if he even wanted to get up at all.
It had been nice to have Jonghyun rest in his arms, listening to him hum to melodies he had made up on the spot, feeling his hands gently caress his back. Weirdly enough this appointment had felt like his own little therapy session, a short period of time that had made it possible for him to turn off his thoughts and forget his surroundings.
Jinki didn’t really feel like leaving, but that wasn’t something he could tell Jonghyun after having repeated his ‘one has to separate his professional life from his private life’ policy over and over again in the past hours.
It didn’t feel right to leave.
But it also didn’t feel right to stay.
A dilemma.
“So –,” Jonghyun began after getting up from the bed as well, standing a little haphazardly in the room, clapping his sweater sleeves against each other. “I – Well – I – thank you for coming,” he said then and bent his head, looking up at the ceiling. “Do you even say that? I mean – it doesn’t matter I guess. I’m talking nonsense again.”
There was a small laugh and Jonghyun ran his hand nervously along his neck and scratched it, the skin quickly turning red beneath his nails.
“It was nice meeting you, Jonghyun,” Jinki tried to sound as casual as possible, desperately hoping for his professional side to kick in again, so he could do his job sufficiently. He walked over to the door and grabbed his bag from the floor to shoulder it, his feet slipping back into his shoes.
“I guess that’s goodbye then.”
Jonghyun came closer, hands disappearing into the pockets of his sweatpants, gaze lowered.
“Yeah, time to say goodbye,” Jinki repeated quietly as if to remind himself and put on an encouraging smile, his hand reaching for the doorhandle. Why did it feel so weird to leave Jonghyun behind? It felt like they weren’t done yet, like they weren’t supposed to separate just yet, as if there was something Jinki had to ask, something he had to find out before leaving.
“Maybe – I’ll see you around?”
“Yeah, maybe,” Jinki nodded, somehow doubting that their paths would cross a second time. Both stood in front of each other for a moment, leaving words unsaid, Jonghyun’s eyes still directed at the floor and Jinki still undecided about what he was supposed to do now. When he realized how awkward this whole situation was, he started to chuckle and shook his head, telling himself to finally get a grip on himself as he pressed down the door handle.
“Have a nice evening, Jonghyun,” he said as he stepped outside, his eyes glancing down the corridor. It still looked the same as it did three hours ago, but it felt different; less scary, less like a funeral home.
“You – you too. Have a safe trip home, and thank you for everything – for listening and you know,” Jonghyun stammered at last, his hands holding onto the door. Jinki only nodded in response, lifting his hand for a wave, undetermined as to what to do for a second before he turned around, took a deep breath, and walked down the hallway. Usually he separated from his clients with a friendly hug, but somewhere deep down he doubted that he would let go of Jonghyun again if he did that.
When he heard the door fall shut after a few moments his heart sank and he halted, turning his head around.
He could just go back and knock on the door, seeing it as his private free time rather than his profession. Running a hand through his hair, Jinki still wavered, battling an inner fight between professionalism and himself.
In the end his professionalism held the upper hand, and he stared into the quiet hallway a little longer, waiting that perhaps Jonghyun would come out again, looking for him, maybe even giving him a little personal note.
But he didn’t.
Jinki’s shoulders slouched and he slowly made his way to the elevator, hoping that maybe someday, somewhere they would meet again.
Maybe – just maybe Jonghyun would contact the website for another appointment, and maybe – just maybe he would choose Jinki to stop by at his apartment again.