Work Text:
Waking the sleeping beauty up
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Peace and quiet.
Quiet.
Quiet...
I have to wake him up.
.
.
.
Dazai knew better than anyone that waking Ranpo up was one of the hardest and the most exhausting things to ever exist.
It seemed that the director was the only person who was able to wake him up. Atsushi couldn’t bring himself to do more than ‘please wake up’. Naomi never let Tanizaki try his ways in a ‘safe’ way, Kunikida-san’s ideals were in his way.Kenji, kyouka and Yosano-sensei’s ways were too dangerous and not allowed. But with all that, Dazai couldn’t calm down about this, Ranpo was his lover. Not being on the list of people who can wake his lover was extremely unacceptable.
Once Dazai tried to wake him up, failed, and fell sleep instead. Well, that wasn’t enough. He HAD to do it. He had to.
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He entered the room. It was a good thing that it was his own home, he didn"t want to hear Ranpo say "Get out of my house.’ Other members’ ‘give up’ wasn’t useful at all either. He had a few things in mind. And then was the best chance to try them all.
Ranpo was hugging his blanket. His messy hair was all over the pillow. It was a waste to ruin that cute scene but it was also a waste to lose the scene of him waking Ranpo all by himself. Not to mention he had waited for the past two days just to have a reason to wake Ranpo up. He didn’t want to just ‘wake’ Ranpo up, He wanted to make him get up as well. But waking him itself was a hellish onerous duty. He went closer and put his hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder and shook it gently,“Rampo-san~” Ranpo was too slow to respond to any kind of action when he was asleep, even Fukuzawa couldn’t wake him in under half an hour.
Dazai baked a cake he knew Ranpo loved to eat, and moved it under his nose, Ranpo just turned his head, he didn’t even seem to like the cake. That was strange. Dazai was sure that Ranpo had nearly killed a man for that cake once. Dazai lied beside him and shook him with both of his hands while shouting his name, but nothing happened. He splashed a whole bottle of water on his head but it was as if Ranpo couldn"t feel anything. Dazai was scared for a second there, he checked Ranpo"s pulse to make sure he"s alive. He was alive. And asleep. Dazai tried playing different instruments to wake him up. But he didn’t succeed. He came to realize that none of Ranpo’s seven senses work. Not when he was sleeping like that. He had to make Ranpo wake up or at least half-wake him, then he could try all those things again.
He was already so tired of all those, putting those plans to action was stressful of course. What if Ranpo woke up and got angry at him? What if something worse happened? Not even Dazai osamu could foresee that kind of things. He got serious.
“It’s time for plan K” Dazai
Plan K, at first it was shoving him to the ground (from the bed) but Ranpo wasn"t sleeping on bed at the time so he changed the plan. Dazai put a needle between his thumb and index finger, put the side of Ranpo"s shirt aside and pushed the needle on his skin a little, a little more, a little more...UH! He moved the needle on his skin and recieved an ‘Ah...’ And a shiver.
“Did I wake you?”
“Noooooo...”
Seems like I succeeded! Was what Dazai thought. But he was wrong. He didn’t even half-wake Ranpo. He realized that and started Plucking the needle from left to right and right to left. This time he recieved a cute annoyed faced. The problem was that Ranpo’s eyes were always closed, and Dazai needed at least three seconds to analyze the difference between Ranpo’s asleep closed eyes and awake closed eyes. He spent that three seconds shouting Ranpo’s name instead. He succeeded in his waking Rampo up mission.
“You’re awaaake!”
“Noooooooooooooo...”
Dazai knew that he won the first level. That was an honor itself. Wasn’t it? No it was not. Everybody has already thought of that way of waking him. It was a cruel way indeed. Dazai felt like a loser at that time. But actually doing plan K was quite a brave-person-seeking mission. So Dazai saw no problem and started doing all the instrument stuff all over again. But they didn’t work. He promised Ranpo cakes and chocolates and candies but his reaction to any kind of food or sweets was: ‘Nooooooot hungryyyyyyyy’. Dazai stole many kisses from his lips but that didn’t work either. Dazai even said that he’ll play with Ranpo"s body, but the only answer was: ‘enjoy’ Ranpo was still half-asleep and didn’t give a fuck what Dazai was doing.(Dazai was sure he could matsturbate there for all Ranpo cared) So the only thing Dazai could think of was calling Oda Sakunosuke.
“Odasakuuuuuuu”
Dazai.
“What do I do, Odasakuuuuuu?”
What’s the matter?
“I can’t get Ranpo to get up”
... Your lover?
“Um hum”
I can’t help, sorry.
“Noooo Odaaaa don"t leave meeee I neeeed youuuuuu"
*sighs* Try massaging him.
“Oooh~?”
he"ll wake up if you make him use his senses more than just a bit, no?
“But he doesn"t seem to enjoy it! Not a bit! I kissed him a hundred times he doesn"t react to any of them!”
...*coughs* *coughs* *coughs*
“Oda? You alright?”
Yea... ... Just do it.
“Hmm...”
Dazai rolled Ranpo’s shirt up to his chest,but the very moment he put his hands on Ranpo"s back he frowned and rumbled loudly.
“Oh oh oh he doesn’t like it at all”
Then just touch his back gently, with one finger
“Oooh~”
Dazai put his finger on Ranpo’s neck and moved it gently from there to down right, then down left, then a little to his sides-
“nnnNNN-AH!” Ran
“Eh???” Da
“Coooooooold...” Ran
“Cold?” Da
“Nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.*frowns*” Ran
“Seems like it works a little but I don’t want to wake him like this! He’s frowning.”
Is he ticklish?
“...I"d rather not try that.”
I see. Well those were the all I could think of. Sorry. But the only love im experienced in is loving children.
“Ho ho hoooo~ odasakuuuuu, that leads to loving women as wehehellllll~”
...Yea. Good bye.
“Bye byyyye~ Thanks for the help anyway!”
Dazai hung up and looked at his sleeping beauty. He couldn’t just accept failure. He thought of all the ways a lover could wake a lover, but they didn’t sound to work on Ranpo. Ranpo wasn’t just a lover. He was a really smart detective that could suck the details in at least three times more than a normal person. They say brain and heart always say different things, and you have to listen to your heart to find love, but Ranpo’s brain was just too ticktack ticktack ticktack ticktack So it was hard to lose to his desires. And he needed more energy than normal people. That was why he ate so much sweets and slept like a bear after all. Dazai started thinking like a detective, a mission is a mission whether the aim is beating the biggest organization in the world or waking up your lover.
Waking Ranpo LOCKED → Director unlocked it: how? →Praise! →Something worthy of waking up for → something that doesn"t usually happen → Something rare Ranpo likes should happen!
Dazai thought of all the things Ranpo had wanted from him since they started dating, chocolates, candies, pillows, blankets, praise me bitch, give my hat back, don’t call me by my name, sing for me
*Flashback*
It was a rainy day and they have just finished buying doughnuts, they hands were full of colorful doughnuts, Dark brown ones with little pieces of orange, red, purple, green and yellow on them. They were laughing because of all the fun they had scaring that poor cup they saw playing with his phone, They hurried and closed the door behind them, it was Rampo’s villa, it was like the weather was yelling at them for their diabolic teases, They sat on the sofas panting, Ranpo emptied his hands and made himself comfortable.
“It was a good day wasn’t it?” Da
“Yea, been a while since the last time I had so much fun” Ram
“*looks at Rampo* Is there anything I can do to make it better for you?” Da
“Hmm? *looks at Dazai* better? Hmmmmmmmmm...well...You caaaan...” Ran
“Say it say it!*shakes the doughnuts in his hands” Da
“Sing for me.” Ran
“E...hah...*looks down and squeezes the doughnuts* Um... I...can"t” Dazai
“Why?” Ran
“I just...can"t” Da
“Come on is it that hard??? I don"t expect you to sing opera for me just say lalalalalaaaaa” Ran
“I can’t sing honey. You already know that. *looks at Rampo* Im not gonna sing for you or anyone else. Never.” Da
“*opens eyes* *half-closes them* *looks away* okay” Ran
Then he said a weak ‘Thanks for the day’ and went to sleep. Dazai had a reason for not singing of course. But he couldn’t tell anyone about it. He wasn"t shy but everyone has things they don"t want to do. That day was a good day with a bad ending...
.
.
.
*End of the flashback*
The reason why Dazai wants to be on the list of the people who can wake Rampo is because he wants to differ from others as Ranpo’s lover. Because he wants to feel that he’s special for him. Isn’t that why Ranpo asked him to sing that day too? Dazai’s a mysterious man just like how Rampo"s smart, it"s hard to tell if he actually loves someone or is just playing with them. Isn"t that normal for Rampo to want Dazai to show him that he’s his favorite? Yes it is. If Dazai wants to feel special, he has to make Rampo feel special.
Deal? Deal!
Dazai rolled down Ranpo"s shirt, Lied beside him and covered both of them with blanket, started stroking his hair with his long fingers and sang.
“Once there was a little voice
Coming from behind the doors ♪
Calling you, wanting you to ooooopen”
Dazai"s way of singing made it sound more like a lullaby than a wake-up-song
“Once that voice was hiding and
Didn"t want to show itself
Now it"s right, here for you ♪
Hurry and open the doors~”
Ranpo knew that the doors Dazai was singing about were his eyes.
“That voice’s here only for you,
Just for you to hear~
Listen to the voice saying, I! O! U! ♪
Listen to the voice sayiiiiing~”
Ranpo knew that, he wouldn’t hear what that voice was going to say unless he opened his eyes, and he knew what kind of stence he was waiting for... So he just opened his eyes and heard the last part of the poem.
“I! Love! You! ♪” Da
“...” Ran
“*smiles*” Da
“...” Ran
“Good morning beauty~” Da
“...that song was super extra stupid.” Ram
“Aaaaaaa! That was offhanded! What did you expect! It’s not an opera house~ It’s my house~ Mmmmmm- *Kisses Ranpo* Chuuuuuuu!” Da
“...///.....congratulation on waking me up. And...” Ram
“?!~” Da
“You...*looks away* have a nice voice *closes eyes*” Ram
“Eeeeeeh! ⊙∇⊙?! ” Da
“...” Ram
“Waaaaait! Don"t just close your eyes and stay quiet! Im more tired than you you know! Listen! Noooooo don’t sleeeeeep-” Da
“I love you too now go bring me some doughnuts or I’ll break up with you.” Ram
“Ahahahaha Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ THAT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL!!” Da
“*smiles*” Ram