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‘Why do you always retreat to that godforsaken mountain when things get too difficult?!’ Kaeya yelled at him. His voice echoed off the walls from the otherwise quiet laboratory, and Albedo had to take a step back out of pure shock.
‘What?’
His voice came out far too quiet, like it was muffled by his own doubts while Kaeya’s was amplified by his frustration.
‘What?’ Kaeya repeated in a mocking voice. ‘Don’t act dumb, you know what I’m talking about. You always run off to Dragonspine whenever things get too difficult. Like a little kid, running from their problems.’
That’s rich, coming from you, Albedo didn’t say. Kaeya had a tendency to run from his problems too, mostly by masking his real feelings with bad humour and tasteless jokes.
Albedo didn’t blame him, considering the other’s difficult past, but he’d thought that feeling of understanding had been mutual. That Kaeya respected his need for occasional solitude, like Albedo respected his difficulty opening up and need for reassurance.
Now, he wasn’t so sure.
‘Cat got your tongue?’ Kaeya asked, crossing his arms. ‘Why don’t you just go back to your mountain then, if you’re not going to talk anyway? Perhaps if you stay long enough, people will even forget you ever existed. Isn’t that what you want? To be left all alone?’
I thought you understood, Albedo tried to argue, but the words died in his throat. He felt like his lungs were on fire. He couldn’t breathe. Couldn’t speak. Kaeya was jabbing at the insecurities he’d thought he’d hidden well, and he didn’t know how to respond.
Couldn’t respond.
‘Well, Albedo?’
The way in which Kaeya said his name almost sounded as if it was being spoken by someone else, though Albedo wasn’t sure whether that was a good or a bad thing.
He didn’t want to be alone, or forgotten. All he wanted was to not feel so overwhelmed by everything around him. To have some time to put his thoughts in order. Process all the things he’d seen, felt and experienced. To anyone else these things may have come naturally, but to him, every seemingly simple interaction caused him to have a million new questions and doubts.
Albedo’s retreat to Dragonspine was not him abandoning the people he cherished. Aside from his research, it was him taking the time to collect his thoughts, so he could be the best version of himself for those very same people. Was that so selfish?
He felt like if he didn’t, he might snap, and end up hurting his loved ones unintentionally. Because he couldn’t process his feelings. Because he couldn’t process theirs.
Still, for someone like Kaeya, who had been abandoned all his life, that may have been a difficult concept to grasp. To him, those trips to Dragonspine were an indirect way of saying he wasn’t good enough. That Albedo preferred solitude over him. And where was the guarantee he was coming back?
‘I’m sorry.’ he managed to bring out, nearly choking on the words.
‘Albedo.’ Kaeya spoke, kinder this time.
Somehow, Albedo didn’t think he’d even seen the other’s lips move.
He swallowed thickly, trying to look around the laboratory but feeling dizzier by the second. Kaeya was saying something, but he couldn’t quite hear what. For someone so upset with him about leaving too often, he sure sounded awfully calm and comforting.
‘Albedo.’ he said, speaking over the words already echoing through the laboratory. Were the walls closing in on him, or was that just his imagination?
‘Albedo.’ Kaeya repeated, more urgently this time. It sounded closer now, loud enough to reach over his own thoughts.
‘Wake up.’ he said this time, and Albedo felt dizzy, hot, cold and confused all at the same time. His head hurt, his heart was hammering inside of his chest and he—
When he opened his eyes, he was lying in bed, Kaeya hovering over him, a gentle hand on his cheek. The coolness of his fingertips was a stark contrast with the way Albedo’s own skin was burning.
‘There you are.’ Kaeya whispered, relief washing over him.
Albedo’s body was shaking a little, and he quickly moved to wipe the sweat from his forehead. The feel of it against his skin was unbearable.
‘Do you need space?’ Kaeya asked him, retracting his hand slowly.
‘No.’ Albedo brought out. ‘Hold me.’
He gave his boyfriend a wide-eyed look, still put off by the apparent dream he’d just had.
‘Please.’
Kaeya quickly complied, pulling him into his arms comfortably, and Albedo buried himself in the embrace as much as he could. Maybe, if Kaeya held him tightly enough, the rest of the world couldn’t get to him.
On occasion, physical touch became a bit too much too handle, but right now, it was the only thing seemingly keeping him sane.
He rather appreciated the gentle circles being rubbed into his back, and he slowly felt his breathing coming out less ragged.
‘It’s okay now.’ Kaeya’s voice brought him back to reality. ‘I’m here.’
‘I know.’ Albedo breathed out. ‘I just-…you-…’
The words didn’t want to come out. Why didn’t they want to come out? They were just words. They shouldn’t be this hard.
‘Don’t force yourself.’ Kaeya told him as he ran a hand through his messy hair, and oh, that was nice. ‘Take your time. Breathe.’
Albedo didn’t quite understand. The other’s behaviour seemed so un-Kaeya like. Kaeya was lovely, but he could also be impatient and loud if he wanted to be. Right now he was neither of those things, instead talking to Albedo as if his voice alone could protect him from any harm.
Why did he even deserve this kind of treatment? Especially if Kaeya had been cross with him for fleeing to Dragonspine too often just moments before.
‘How do you-…how do you know-…you know, why-…?’
‘How do I know what to do when someone’s had a nightmare?’
Albedo nodded, and Kaeya gave him a solemn smile.
Wrong thing to ask, he realized too late, and mentally smacked himself. It seemed he couldn’t do anything right today.
‘Master Crepus was…very good at comforting a young child suffering from constant nightmares. I may have picked up on that, I suppose.’ Kaeya explained anyway.
Albedo nodded, and took a deep breath. He was still a little shaky, but less than before.
‘Sorry.’ he whispered, much like he had in his dream.
‘Don’t apologize.’ Kaeya murmured, pressing a kiss against his forehead. ‘It’s not your fault your stupidly big brain decided it wanted to bully you.’
At that, Albedo let out a snort.
‘I suppose so.’
Kaeya grinned at him. ‘Is that a smile I spot?’
‘Mhh.’
Not quite yet, perhaps, though he was beginning to feel slightly better.
‘Depends.’
Kaeya gave him a look.
‘Do you really mind that much?’ Albedo asked him carefully. He was a little afraid of the answer he might get. What if he didn’t like it? What if it wasn’t what he wanted to hear?
Still, he needed to know.
‘You’ll have to elaborate, I’m afraid.’ Kaeya told him. ‘Did I say something in your dream?’
Albedo nodded.
‘Sounds like dream-me deserves a good punch in the throat if he upset you this much.’ Kaeya huffed, at which Albedo let out a laugh.
‘That’s better already.’
‘You haven’t answered my question yet.’ Albedo pouted.
‘You haven’t asked your question yet, my dearest alchemist. I may be skilled in many things, but I’m afraid mindreading isn’t one of them.’
Ah. Right.
‘Dragonspine.’ Albedo breathed out. ‘I go there…a lot. I was worried you might think I was abandoning you.’
Kaeya sucked in a breath, and the silence that followed made Albedo’s heart sink.
He’d been right.
Dream-Kaeya had said exactly what real-Kaeya was secretly thinking.
‘I have…issues.’ Kaeya mumbled. ‘Particularly about being…left alone.’ he admitted.
This was it then. Kaeya would tell him how selfish he’d been, or how much he’d hurt him. Perhaps even break up. He’d been a fool to think someone like Kaeya would want to stick around someone like him. He should have tried harder. Should have sacrificed more to—
‘But I trust you to come back.’ the other’s voice interrupted his thoughts. ‘And so far, you always have.’
Albedo’s head shot up.
‘What, were you expecting anything else?’ Kaeya asked, chuckling awkwardly. ‘I know I’m a mess. But you understand that. And you…make it slightly less of a mess, most of the time. Like my own personal cleaning lady.’
At that, he wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, before noticing the distress still written all over Albedo’s face.
‘Sorry, bad timing.’ he murmured. ‘But…I mean it. I trust you. I know going to Dragonspine is important to you. I can’t just ask you to give that up simply because of my own unresolved insecurities, I’d be a massive hypocrite…’
‘Oh.’ Albedo breathed out, not quite expecting that kind of answer. His brain needed some time to process it, even if he didn’t have the peace and quiet Dragonspine offered to help him with that.
‘So you…aren’t angry with me?’
‘I think there’s very little you could do to make me angry.’ Kaeya hummed, placing another kiss on his forehead.
Albedo leaned into the touch instinctively, relief sinking over him.
‘And you’re not going to break up with me?’
Kaeya looked at him as if he’d lost his mind.
(Which, in all honestly, kind of felt like it).
‘The day I break up with you is the day I’m making the biggest mistake of my life.’ Kaeya reassured him. ‘And that’s saying something, because I’ve made a few.’
Somehow, Albedo knew Kaeya was speaking the truth. Perhaps it was the way in which he dared to be vulnerable right now, laid his feelings bare all for Albedo to see. Or perhaps it was simply the fact he understood.
Either way, if the other man could place this much trust in him, the least Albedo could do was do the same.
‘Okay.’ he murmured. ‘I believe you.’
Kaeya gave him a smile, and ruffled his hair.
‘Come on then, let’s go back to bed. I have some dream-demons to punch.’
Albedo wasn’t going to argue with that.
He wasn’t exactly sure how Kaeya was going to get inside his head to do so, but with the other’s sheer determination to protect, he didn’t doubt he would succeed somehow.