Work Text:
[Stream 2021-08-27] ‘watch me play smash i guess’ [Chat]
kenmastans02 asjdfsf did he just fall asleep
pinkladies7 why is his character just standing like that
940245 screenshotting sleeping kodzuken-
kodzukenbabies HE’S ASLEEP?!?1?
kodzukenbabies he’s gonna lose now sdlfvds
heyheyhey kenma wake up!!!
zippedlipsndpants what do we do
saikikinnie01 it feels weird to just sit and watch him sleep…
pegkodzuken2021 how can we wake him up
gotohornyjail noooo kodzuken died :(
hewwokitty rip kodzuken
940245 @pegkodzuken2021 no!!! Don’t!!!
kodzukenbabies F
bungeeg-um is he drooling? 🥺
marry-me-satome a babie
mai-sann ‘watch me play smash’ more like ‘watch me pass out’ smh
becca-ning it’s bc he plays kirby isnt it
d1cksauce he cute or whateva
ashdeservesbetter the way there are still so many ppl watching i-
redbullying his little snores andfslkdb;ksdas
saikikinnie01 WAIT DID U GUYS HEAR THAT
bungeeg-um @saikikinnie01 ????? no????
kenmastans02 @saikikinnie02 YEAH
kenmastans02 THERE’S DEFINITELY SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE
mai-sann what do we do
940245 do we call the cops???
d1cksauce the sounds are getting loUDER
toono-chan @940245 no kodzuken says acab
zippedlipsandpants do we know kodzuken’s emergency contact
kodzukenbabies @zippedlipsandpants what is he five??
mar(r)y-(me)-saotome @kodzukenbabies yeah <3
heyheyhey I will step in :) dw guys :)
redbullying WORRIED BOUT HIM
saikikinnie01 @heyheyhey hey what does this mean
saikikinnie01 @heyheyhey im shaking what does this mean
12:34 am
boku-ho kuro kenma is asleep
kuro-zy ???? tf???
boku-ho i was watching his stream and he fell asleep
kuro-zy you watch his streams 🥺
boku-ho when i have time :)
kuro-zy love that for you. I am going to go get him
boku-ho everyone in chat is scared bc they can hear you in the house
boku-ho why are you so loud
kuro-zy look who’s talking
boku-ho meanie!!
kuro-zy yeah, and?
[Stream 2021-08-27] ‘watch me play smash i guess’ [Chat]
bungeeg-um mom come pick me up im scared
kenmastans02 what if he gets murdered
kenmastans02 right in front of our very eyes
kenmastans02 blood splattering on the screen… the camera goes black...
d1cksauce @kenmastans02 STOPP
n1cerec1eve im too young to go into the witness protection program
redbullying oh god oh fuck the creaking floorboards i CANT
kenmastans02 @d1cksauce just sayin
heyheyhey it’s ok guys!!
heyheyhey im on the case!!!
heyheyhey i’ve got a man on the scene!!!
d1cksauce @heyheyhey hUH?
saikikinnie01 plot twist @heyheyhey is the murderer
volleyballb1tch the suspense is KILLING ME
kodzu-kinky i just wanted to watch a small angry man beat ppl as a small angry pink thing and now i’m about to witness a murder. this night has taken a turn.
hisokasdirtysox IM GOING TO SCREAM WHAT DO WE DO
fruitscandy i- who is THAT
bigtiddieg0th OH NO HE’S HOT
d1cksauce @heyheyhey this ur mans?
heyheyhey @d1cksauce yeah that’s my mans 💅
12:54am
kodzuken simp on main @d1cksauce
SOMEONE JUST WALKED INTO KODZUKEN’S STREAM!?!? ALSO HE’S SLEEPING AND MAYBE ABOUT TO GET MURDERED??
12:54am
step on me clown pedo @hisokasdirtycumsox
SDNFLK OH SHIT OH FUCK
[Screenshot attached.]
12:56am
akira’s ceiling @wefellinloveiseptember
oh my god… Oh My goddd
he was SLEEPING @cryb4byd3vilman
that man can murder me any day damn
12:58am
war criminal deku stan @kacchanswaifu
NO WHAT THE FUCK??? KODZUKENS BEING KIDNAPPED NOW
[Stream 2021-08-27] ‘watch me play smash i guess’ [Chat]
saikikinnie01 HES PICKING HIM UP
vampireg0rl 911 ID LIKE TO REPORT A KIDNAPPING
kodzukenbabies oh shit this is like… serious
toono-chan what do we do what do we DO
redbullying ok now im actually scared
heyheyhey i told you guys, it’s fine!! nothing to worry about ;)
saikikinnie01 @heyheyhey what the fuck are you even talking about its not funny anymore
[Stream End]
1:02am
nezzzzzzko is sleeping @lemonadeontherox
he’s got kodzuken bridal style and he turned the stream off wh- help
--------
[Stream 2021-08-28] ‘i lived bitch’ [Chat]
“I’m not dead.”
Kodzuken coughs. “You guys are so dramatic. I’m fine.”
saikikinnie01 OH MY GOD UR OK
hanakosama UR ALIVE
kodzukenbabies UM HELLO BITCH EXPLAIN
“I don’t owe you any explanation.” Kenma shrugs, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind his ear. “I fell asleep, and Kuro came to get me. I think Bokuto texted him; I know he was in chat.”
kodzukenbabies whos kuroo
d1cksauce whos bokuto
kodzukenbabies @d1cksauce jinx lol
toono-chan i think hes mentioned the name kuroo before
oikawassweatygymshorts is it kuro or kuroo
redbullying WHO WAS THE MURDERER DUDE THO
n1cerec1eve @toono-chan when
phantomh1ves im just happy our baby is safe
“Bokuto is my friend. He was watching the stream at the time,” Kenma answers, ignoring the more pressing questions in chat. “I don’t get why this is a big deal to you all. People fall asleep all the time. It’s a defining characteristic of people and animals.”
He pauses, wrinkling his nose. “Also, I’m not your baby. I’m 24.”
d1cksauce baby. baby boy.
kodzukenbabies @d1cksauce EVIL
tanjirowos sweet cinnamon roll
genos-s-metal-dick @tanjirowos DONT
redbullying ….our sweet Sinamon roll
d1cksauce NOT THE 2012 TUMBLR KIDS
tanjirowos @d1cksauce fuck you im a 2014 tumblr kid
titsoutforgin tiny catboy kenma
toono-chan baby boy :)
Kenma drags a hand down his face, groaning. “I give up. We’ve had this conversation too many times already. I hate you gremlins,” He complains, but he’s smiling beneath his hand. “Let’s just move on from this incident, okay? Today we’re playing….”
kakeguruimash0 WHOS KURO THO
saikikinnie01 WHOS THE SEXY MURDER MAN
volleyballbitchh UR STILL BABY
--------
[Stream 2021-09-03] ‘this game isnt even hard’ [Chat]
saikikinnie01 bestie are u wearing. a ring.
mar(r)y-(me)-saotome dsafskds how r u so good at this game already it just came out
rubiks-boob RING?
mikalovesyuu OWO?? WING??
sailordune i think ive seen him wear that ring a few times before
cookiesandcuddles its rlly pretty and it looks expensive
coffeeshopauss @cookiesandcuddles well he is rich
ryodidnothingwrong @coffeeshopauss shhh we dont talk about that.
mikalovesyuu when i say eat the rich, i mean eat kenmas ass
kodzukenbabies @sailordune what when where huh what
doulikemetoo i swear hes worn it on stream once, like right when he started. and then he stopped.
sailordune @doulikemetoo no that was a different ring. this one he has only worn in twitter photos
doulikemetoo oh whoops.
sailordune the rings looks kinda similar tho dw
rubiks-boob ok but where did it come from wh
Waiting for the next round to queue up, Kenma scrolls through the chat, only stopping to correct, “Yeah, they’re different rings. There was actually three.” He waits a moment for chat to respond, paying close attention to the regulars. “There was the promise ring, which was cheap because it’s from when we were kids, and then the engagement ring, and this ones the wedding ring. I usually remember to take it off though. Oh, we’re starting.”
hanakosama DID U JUST SAY WEDDING???
gojoscumslutt HUH
doulikemetoo EXCSUE ME??? FJDNSLGKJ:DKFSGD
kodzukenbabies i pride myself in being obsessed with this man and i DIDNT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED?????? FDKJSGLJ:???? IVE FAILED
saikikinnie01 i KNEW it
sailordune @saikikinnie01 you did Not
saikikinnie01 @sailordune OK BUT DO U REMEMBER THAT TIME HE PAUSED HIS GAME AND WAS LOOKING OFFSCREEN AND SMILING SOFTLY AND HE WAS MUTED BUT THEN HE LEANED OUT OF CAMERA PRESUMABLY TO SMOOCH SOMEONE. HM. WHAT ABOUT THAT
oikawassweatygymshorts @saikikinnie01 owoooo i forgot about that
pegkodzuken2021 @saikikinnie01 i thought we all agreed it was his cat he was looking at, and he was petting her
saikikinnie01 @pegkodzuken2021 I DIDNT AGREE TO SHIT. U AND @kodzukenbabies DECIDED THAT ALL ON UR OWN
doulikemetoo @saikikinnie01 omg dude breathe damn
sailordune the important thing here is KODZUKEN IS MARRIED. TO A CHILDHOOD FRIEND IT SEEMS
mar(r)y-(me)-saotome love how none of us actually pay attention to the games he plays on stream. we all just obsess over him dsfdgfadsfd
saikikinnie01 @mar(r)y-(me)-saotome its his fault for being so cute
hanakosama @sailordune omg that part went over my head!! childhood sweethearts!!
ogkenmasimp98 whos the lucky lady. and whats her address. for no reason.
Glancing at the chat, Kodzuken squints, hitting pause to give the camera a serious look. “Lady? Do… do you guys seriously think I’m straight?” There’s disgust and almost fear in his eyes as he reads through the messages that pour in.
hanakosama i- yeah?
letsplayag4me yes, but we prayed otherwise
oikawassweatygymshorts GUYS ITS- ITS HAPPENING
akiraslowerbody everybody STAY CALM
oikawassweatygymshorts @akiraslowerbody I AM CALM.
vampireg0rl you’re not straight???
ohgo0o0o0n well this is a nice surprise
mysoulisalwayswithu it was ur fatal flaw
saikikinnie01 @mysoulisalwayswithu oh fuck now he doesnt have a fatal flaw
meimisakistairs @mysoulisalwayswithu @saikikinnie01 kodzuken is a god confirmed
bitchasses ok hear me out-- the flannel pajama bottoms. gay ppl dont wear those.
“I wasn’t about to wear shorts and leggings on stream! None of you have seen my legs, and you still thirst after them. They’re Kuro’s anyway.”
kodzukenbabies damn right we do
k1ll1ngmes0ftly only bc u wear Manwhore Flannel Pj Pants™
kenmassweethearts theres that kuroo mentioned again!! aha!!
kenmassweethearts also the pants belong to this ‘kuroo’ or ur legs do
meimisakistairs kodzuken is not straight… i need to sit down im so happy wh
kodzukenspogchamp are you kidding me man he has never even once on stream sat in a chair right how did yall think he wasn’t queer
whorekneehours theres literally a wholeass pride flag on the desk behind him
m1kaandyuu @whorekneehours I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST AN ALLY
asslesschapstick he has /bleach blond hair/
“Ally?” Kodzuken snorts. “I literally have a husband. That’s… kinda gay.”
saikikinnie01 KODZUKEN KINDA SUS
hisokasimpunfortunately kodzuken is the imposter…. get im!
kodzukenbabies @hisokasimpunfortunately *funky synth kicks in*
pegkodzuken2021 SUS
oikawassweatygymshorts SUS
d1cksauce SUS
fruitscandy SUSSY BAKA DFJSFGLKSGLFD
ratboi99 SUSSY BAKA
gojosballsack SUSSY BAKA
rebec-canunot SUSSY BAKA
sleeplesswithsrens SUSSY BAKA
sleeplesswithsirens wait did u just say husband
Kodzuken sighs, reaching out to end the stream. “For fucks sake, I’m not sus, I’m literally a f-” The stream cuts.
--------
1:26 am
kenma. @kodzuken
ok fine i’ll do a q and a. ask away.
[‘answering questions with my husband’, posted: 2021-09-08]
The camera opens on Kenma’s tired face, shaking a little as he sets it down. It’s not his usual set up; instead, he’s sitting cross-legged on a bed, looking disgruntled.
“Hello, welcome to my channel, whatever,” He starts, “You all have been asking me to do a Q and A, so this is that.”
There’s a banging from behind the camera, and a muttered, ow.
“Don’t do that,” Kenma hisses, eyes narrowed, “And don’t make that face either. It’s creepy.” Turning back to the camera, the exhaustion of a thousand tired years in his eyes, he goes on, “Ever since Kuro appeared, you have been asking for him. So here he is.”
Taking the cue, Kuroo stumbles into view, grinning. “Hello, Kodzu-simps.”
“They don’t call themselves that.”
“Doesn’t make it not true. And I don’t blame ‘em.”
Kenma rolls his eyes, grumbling something that sounds suspiciously like, “Just get this out of the way. ”
“Let’s talk about,” He pauses, sighing deeply and gesturing to his left where Kuroo is seated, “This fucker.”
Curling his lip, Kuroo slips a hand behind his ear, as if tucking in a stray hair. “Debby Ryan here. I-”
“This is Kuroo Te-”
“I’m Debby fucking Ryan , and you’re watching the Disney Channel, you bitch.”
Kenma is unperturbed. “This is Kuro. I’ve known him my whole life, and that’s all you really need to know.”
Kuro nods in affirmation.“Correct. Kenma’s my best friend!”
A pause, in which Kenma peers quizzically up at Kuro. “...Did you just friendzone me?”
Holding a hand to his chest dramatically, Kuroo faux-gasps. “Kenma, don’t tell me… do you have a crush on me? I’m flattered! I can’t say I saw this coming-”
“We’re married,” Kenma deadpans, turning to look into the camera. “Moving on-”
Kuroo snatches up his hand, pulling it to his lips and kissing it with a smacking mwah! “And don’t you forget it, babe!”
Shuffling the notecards in front of him, Kenma huffs. “I hate it here. I want a divorce.”
“Too bad. I burned our marriage certificate.”
“You-” Kenma looks up at him quizzically, “Are you being serious?”
“Deathly. You can’t return things without the receipt, you know that, kitten.”
“Motherfucker, I really am stuck with you? I was hoping to just bide my time until some rich older gentleman comes to sweep me off my feet.”
“You don’t need a sugar daddy. You’re like, loaded, bro.”
“Don’t call me bro.”
“Besides,” Kuroo goes on, ignoring Kenma, “It’s more like you’re my sugar daddy.”
“I am not . We co-own the company.”
“Whatever you say, Dadd- ”
“I’m going to stop you right there. First question, from isabella_kenma_stan: how did u keep ur wholeass HUSBAND a secret for years??? Wtf dude.” Setting the card aside with a shrug, Kenma gives a small smile. “I don’t know. I said, ‘I don’t really want everyone to know about us because it’s a hassle,’ and he said ‘Okay.’ The end. He’s nice like that.”
“And that’s on boundaries,” Kuroo agrees, throwing an easy arm around Kenma. Almost instinctively, the smaller man curls into him, glancing down at the next card.
“ Who’s the top?”
Kenma frowns. “Look at me… now look at him. Next question.” He shuffles the cards for a moment, looking for a good one. “Kodzukenbabies asks: how did you meet? ”
Kuroo perks up. “That’s a good one! We met when we were kids. I made him join the volleyball club with me, and we played together all the way through high school, even though he didn’t really like it.”
“I didn’t hate it. It was fun sometimes.”
Kuro snorts, rolling his eyes. “Only because of your obsession with Shoyo.”
“I am not obsessed with him.”
“Do we need to pull out the jerseys? The autographs? The cardboard cutouts? ”
Crossing his arms over his chest, Kenma huffs, leaning out of Kuroo’s grasp and blowing a stray strand of hair out of his face. “He’s my friend,” He says defensively, pouting.
“I know he is, but dude . That’s like… fan behaviour.” Kuroo side-eyes the camera. “Forget the sugar daddy, he’s gonna leave me for the shortest motherfucker on the planet!”
“He’s not that short.”
“He is! What does he have that I don’t?”
“A spot on a professional volleyball team.”
Kuroo falters, looking hurt. “I- Low blow.”
Ignoring his husband completely, Kenma looks back at the camera. “Before you ask, yes, I played volleyball. I was a setter.”
“Best setter I’ve ever met!” Kuroo croons proudly, “The brain of Nekoma High!”
“I told you to stop using that stupid nickname. Next question. Hanakosama asks, what’s it like running a very successful business? ” Kenma sets the card down, thinking for a moment. For once, Kuro doesn’t jump in, letting Kenma ponder before answering, “It’s surreal. Kuroo is a big support. We co-own the company, but he’s busy with other things sometimes. No matter what, though, he’s always got my back.”
Kuroo nods in affirmation, looping an arm back around Kenma’s waist. “Always.” It’s sincere, not a trace of amusement as he looks into the camera. Softly, Kenma smiles, before reading out the next card.
“Pegkodzuken2021 asks: sussy baka . Not a question, but A for effort. Moving on, gojosballsack-I can’t believe you made me say that out loud- asks: something you dont like about the other?”
Kuroo grins lazily at the camera. “There’s nothing I don’t adore about my lovely little kitten. He is sweet and docile and perfect, like a little golden bird-”
“He snores.”
Kuroo wrinkles his nose and opens his mouth to protest, but Kenma continues, counting off on his fingers, “He leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor, he has bad morning breath, he sings really badly in the shower-”
“Bokuto says my singing voice is beautiful!”
“-he is a reckless driver, he likes Imagine Dragons, he quotes our high school science textbook too much, he’s too nice to me, he leaves in the mornings…” Kenma shrugs. “It could be worse.”
Satisfied, Kuroo grins proudly at the camera. “See? Very healthy and stable marriage.”
Tucking a strand of hair behind his air, Kenma averts his eyes, mumbling, “I can’t think of anyone better.”
“There is the Shoyo clause in our relationship, though,” muses Kuroo. Turning towards the camera, he goes on, “Meaning Hinata is a special case. I can’t say shit when it comes to Kenma and Hinata.”
Bitterly, Kenma pinches Kuro’s bicep. “And yet you still do.”
“Ow! Bad kitten.”
‘I’m going to rip your entrails out while you sleep.”
Kuroo grins at the camera. “We are a happy, loving couple!”
“I want a divorce.”
“I said no.”
“I still want one. Then I can marry Sho.”
Kuro grasps at his chest in horror. “A betrayal of the highest order… Ouch.”
“You act surprised.”
Kuroo snorts. “Honestly, I’m not.”
“I’m not going to leave you for Shoyo, idiot.”
“Liar.”
Kodzuken only glares. “Blocked and reported. Never speak to me or my husband ever again.”
“But I am your husband-”
“I said, reported.”
“Wait, unblock me.”
Resolute, Kenma shakes his head. “No. Fuck you.”
“Please.” A beat of silence. “Baby, please.”
“...Fine. Unblocked.”
Kuroo smirks, the cat who got the cream. “Bitch.”
“Okay, that’s enough.”
[End of video]
11:34pm
KUROKEN?!? @pegkodzuken2021
well now we HAVE to call ourselves the kodzu-simps
11:35pm
gimme chocolate @waitwaitwait
shoyo…. SHOYO HINATA?!?!
11:46pm
kenma. @kodzuken
yes.
kenma. @kodzuken
come on guys. i shouldn’t have to tell you not to send kuro death threats. <3