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sexy murder man

Summary:

12:54am
kodzuken simp on main @d1cksauce
SOMEONE JUST WALKED INTO KODZUKEN’S STREAM!?!? ALSO HE’S SLEEPING AND MAYBE ABOUT TO GET MURDERED??

Notes:

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[Stream 2021-08-27] ‘watch me play smash i guess’ [Chat]

kenmastans02 asjdfsf did he just fall asleep

pinkladies7 why is his character just standing like that

940245 screenshotting sleeping kodzuken-

kodzukenbabies HE’S ASLEEP?!?1?

kodzukenbabies he’s gonna lose now sdlfvds

heyheyhey kenma wake up!!!

zippedlipsndpants what do we do

saikikinnie01 it feels weird to just sit and watch him sleep…

pegkodzuken2021 how can we wake him up

gotohornyjail noooo kodzuken died :(

hewwokitty rip kodzuken

940245 @pegkodzuken2021 no!!! Don’t!!!

kodzukenbabies F

bungeeg-um is he drooling? 🥺

marry-me-satome a babie

mai-sann ‘watch me play smash’ more like ‘watch me pass out’ smh

becca-ning it’s bc he plays kirby isnt it

d1cksauce he cute or whateva

ashdeservesbetter the way there are still so many ppl watching i-

redbullying his little snores andfslkdb;ksdas

saikikinnie01 WAIT DID U GUYS HEAR THAT

bungeeg-um @saikikinnie01 ????? no????

kenmastans02 @saikikinnie02 YEAH 

kenmastans02 THERE’S DEFINITELY SOMEONE IN THE HOUSE 

mai-sann what do we do 

940245 do we call the cops???

d1cksauce the sounds are getting loUDER

toono-chan @940245 no kodzuken says acab

zippedlipsandpants do we know kodzuken’s emergency contact

kodzukenbabies @zippedlipsandpants what is he five??

mar(r)y-(me)-saotome @kodzukenbabies yeah <3

heyheyhey I will step in :) dw guys :)

redbullying WORRIED BOUT HIM

saikikinnie01 @heyheyhey hey what does this mean

saikikinnie01 @heyheyhey im shaking what does this mean

 

12:34 am

boku-ho kuro kenma is asleep

kuro-zy ???? tf???

boku-ho i was watching his stream and he fell asleep

kuro-zy you watch his streams 🥺

boku-ho when i have time :)

kuro-zy love that for you. I am going to go get him

boku-ho everyone in chat is scared bc they can hear you in the house

boku-ho why are you so loud

kuro-zy look who’s talking

boku-ho meanie!!

kuro-zy yeah, and?

 

[Stream 2021-08-27] ‘watch me play smash i guess’ [Chat]

bungeeg-um mom come pick me up im scared

kenmastans02 what if he gets murdered

kenmastans02 right in front of our very eyes

kenmastans02 blood splattering on the screen… the camera goes black...

d1cksauce @kenmastans02 STOPP

n1cerec1eve im too young to go into the witness protection program

redbullying oh god oh fuck the creaking floorboards i CANT

kenmastans02 @d1cksauce just sayin

heyheyhey it’s ok guys!!

heyheyhey im on the case!!!

heyheyhey i’ve got a man on the scene!!!

d1cksauce @heyheyhey hUH?

saikikinnie01 plot twist @heyheyhey is the murderer

volleyballb1tch the suspense is KILLING ME

kodzu-kinky i just wanted to watch a small angry man beat ppl as a small angry pink thing and now i’m about to witness a murder. this night has taken a turn.

hisokasdirtysox IM GOING TO SCREAM WHAT DO WE DO

fruitscandy i- who is THAT

bigtiddieg0th OH NO HE’S HOT

d1cksauce @heyheyhey this ur mans?

heyheyhey @d1cksauce yeah that’s my mans 💅



12:54am

kodzuken simp on main @d1cksauce

SOMEONE JUST WALKED INTO KODZUKEN’S STREAM!?!? ALSO HE’S SLEEPING AND MAYBE ABOUT TO GET MURDERED??

 

12:54am

step on me clown pedo @hisokasdirtycumsox

SDNFLK OH SHIT OH FUCK

[Screenshot attached.]

 

12:56am

akira’s ceiling @wefellinloveiseptember

oh my god… Oh My goddd

 

he was SLEEPING @cryb4byd3vilman

that man can murder me any day damn

 

12:58am

war criminal deku stan @kacchanswaifu

NO WHAT THE FUCK??? KODZUKENS BEING KIDNAPPED NOW



[Stream 2021-08-27] ‘watch me play smash i guess’ [Chat]

saikikinnie01 HES PICKING HIM UP 

vampireg0rl 911 ID LIKE TO REPORT A KIDNAPPING

kodzukenbabies oh shit this is like… serious

toono-chan what do we do what do we DO

redbullying ok now im actually scared

heyheyhey i told you guys, it’s fine!! nothing to worry about ;)

saikikinnie01 @heyheyhey what the fuck are you even talking about its not funny anymore

[Stream End]



1:02am

nezzzzzzko is sleeping @lemonadeontherox

he’s got kodzuken bridal style and he turned the stream off wh- help

 

--------

 

[Stream 2021-08-28] ‘i lived bitch’ [Chat]

 

“I’m not dead.” 

Kodzuken coughs. “You guys are so dramatic. I’m fine.” 

 

saikikinnie01 OH MY GOD UR OK

hanakosama UR ALIVE

kodzukenbabies UM HELLO BITCH EXPLAIN

 

“I don’t owe you any explanation.” Kenma shrugs, tucking a strand of blonde hair behind his ear. “I fell asleep, and Kuro came to get me. I think Bokuto texted him; I know he was in chat.” 

 

kodzukenbabies whos kuroo

d1cksauce whos bokuto

kodzukenbabies @d1cksauce jinx lol

toono-chan i think hes mentioned the name kuroo before 

oikawassweatygymshorts is it kuro or kuroo

redbullying WHO WAS THE MURDERER DUDE THO

n1cerec1eve @toono-chan when

phantomh1ves im just happy our baby is safe

 

“Bokuto is my friend. He was watching the stream at the time,” Kenma answers, ignoring the more pressing questions in chat. “I don’t get why this is a big deal to you all. People fall asleep all the time. It’s a defining characteristic of people and animals.” 

He pauses, wrinkling his nose. “Also, I’m not your baby. I’m 24.” 

 

d1cksauce baby. baby boy.

kodzukenbabies @d1cksauce EVIL

tanjirowos sweet cinnamon roll

genos-s-metal-dick @tanjirowos DONT

redbullying ….our sweet Sinamon roll

d1cksauce NOT THE 2012 TUMBLR KIDS

tanjirowos @d1cksauce fuck you im a 2014 tumblr kid

titsoutforgin tiny catboy kenma 

toono-chan baby boy :)

 

Kenma drags a hand down his face, groaning. “I give up. We’ve had this conversation too many times already. I hate you gremlins,” He complains, but he’s smiling beneath his hand. “Let’s just move on from this incident, okay? Today we’re playing….”

 

kakeguruimash0 WHOS KURO THO

saikikinnie01 WHOS THE SEXY MURDER MAN

volleyballbitchh UR STILL BABY

 

--------

 

[Stream 2021-09-03] ‘this game isnt even hard’ [Chat]

saikikinnie01 bestie are u wearing. a ring.

mar(r)y-(me)-saotome dsafskds how r u so good at this game already it just came out

rubiks-boob RING?

mikalovesyuu OWO?? WING??

sailordune i think ive seen him wear that ring a few times before

cookiesandcuddles its rlly pretty and it looks expensive

coffeeshopauss @cookiesandcuddles well he is rich

ryodidnothingwrong @coffeeshopauss shhh we dont talk about that.

mikalovesyuu when i say eat the rich, i mean eat kenmas ass

kodzukenbabies @sailordune what when where huh what

doulikemetoo i swear hes worn it on stream once, like right when he started. and then he stopped.

sailordune @doulikemetoo no that was a different ring. this one he has only worn in twitter photos

doulikemetoo oh whoops. 

sailordune the rings looks kinda similar tho dw 

rubiks-boob ok but where did it come from wh

 

Waiting for the next round to queue up, Kenma scrolls through the chat, only stopping to correct, “Yeah, they’re different rings. There was actually three.” He waits a moment for chat to respond, paying close attention to the regulars. “There was the promise ring, which was cheap because it’s from when we were kids, and then the engagement ring, and this ones the wedding ring. I usually remember to take it off though. Oh, we’re starting.” 

 

hanakosama DID U JUST SAY WEDDING???

gojoscumslutt HUH

doulikemetoo EXCSUE ME??? FJDNSLGKJ:DKFSGD

kodzukenbabies i pride myself in being obsessed with this man and i DIDNT KNOW HE WAS MARRIED?????? FDKJSGLJ:???? IVE FAILED

saikikinnie01 i KNEW it

sailordune @saikikinnie01 you did Not

saikikinnie01 @sailordune OK BUT DO U REMEMBER THAT TIME HE PAUSED HIS GAME AND WAS LOOKING OFFSCREEN AND SMILING SOFTLY AND HE WAS MUTED BUT THEN HE LEANED OUT OF CAMERA PRESUMABLY TO SMOOCH SOMEONE. HM. WHAT ABOUT THAT

oikawassweatygymshorts @saikikinnie01 owoooo i forgot about that

pegkodzuken2021 @saikikinnie01 i thought we all agreed it was his cat he was looking at, and he was petting her

saikikinnie01 @pegkodzuken2021 I DIDNT AGREE TO SHIT. U AND @kodzukenbabies DECIDED THAT ALL ON UR OWN

doulikemetoo @saikikinnie01 omg dude breathe damn

sailordune the important thing here is KODZUKEN IS MARRIED. TO A CHILDHOOD FRIEND IT SEEMS

mar(r)y-(me)-saotome love how none of us actually pay attention to the games he plays on stream. we all just obsess over him dsfdgfadsfd

saikikinnie01 @mar(r)y-(me)-saotome its his fault for being so cute

hanakosama @sailordune omg that part went over my head!! childhood sweethearts!!

ogkenmasimp98 whos the lucky lady. and whats her address. for no reason.

 

Glancing at the chat, Kodzuken squints, hitting pause to give the camera a serious look. “Lady? Do… do you guys seriously think I’m straight?” There’s disgust and almost fear in his eyes as he reads through the messages that pour in.

 

hanakosama i- yeah?

letsplayag4me yes, but we prayed otherwise

oikawassweatygymshorts GUYS ITS- ITS HAPPENING

akiraslowerbody everybody STAY CALM

oikawassweatygymshorts @akiraslowerbody I AM CALM.

vampireg0rl you’re not straight???

ohgo0o0o0n well this is a nice surprise

mysoulisalwayswithu it was ur fatal flaw

saikikinnie01 @mysoulisalwayswithu oh fuck now he doesnt have a fatal flaw

meimisakistairs @mysoulisalwayswithu @saikikinnie01 kodzuken is a god confirmed

bitchasses ok hear me out-- the flannel pajama bottoms. gay ppl dont wear those.

 

“I wasn’t about to wear shorts and leggings on stream! None of you have seen my legs, and you still thirst after them. They’re Kuro’s anyway.” 

 

kodzukenbabies damn right we do

k1ll1ngmes0ftly only bc u wear Manwhore Flannel Pj Pants™

kenmassweethearts theres that kuroo mentioned again!! aha!!

kenmassweethearts also the pants belong to this ‘kuroo’ or ur legs do

meimisakistairs kodzuken is not straight… i need to sit down im so happy wh

kodzukenspogchamp are you kidding me man he has never even once on stream sat in a chair right how did yall think he wasn’t queer

whorekneehours theres literally a wholeass pride flag on the desk behind him

m1kaandyuu @whorekneehours I THOUGHT HE WAS JUST AN ALLY

asslesschapstick he has /bleach blond hair/

 

“Ally?” Kodzuken snorts. “I literally have a husband. That’s… kinda gay.”

 

saikikinnie01 KODZUKEN KINDA SUS 

hisokasimpunfortunately kodzuken is the imposter…. get im!

kodzukenbabies @hisokasimpunfortunately *funky synth kicks in*

pegkodzuken2021 SUS

oikawassweatygymshorts SUS

d1cksauce SUS

fruitscandy SUSSY BAKA DFJSFGLKSGLFD

ratboi99 SUSSY BAKA

gojosballsack SUSSY BAKA

rebec-canunot SUSSY BAKA

sleeplesswithsrens SUSSY BAKA

sleeplesswithsirens wait did u just say husband

 

Kodzuken sighs, reaching out to end the stream. “For fucks sake, I’m not sus, I’m literally a f-” The stream cuts. 

 

--------

 

1:26 am

kenma. @kodzuken

ok fine i’ll do a q and a. ask away.

 

[‘answering questions with my husband’, posted: 2021-09-08]

 

The camera opens on Kenma’s tired face, shaking a little as he sets it down. It’s not his usual set up; instead, he’s sitting cross-legged on a bed, looking disgruntled. 

“Hello, welcome to my channel, whatever,” He starts, “You all have been asking me to do a Q and A, so this is that.” 

There’s a banging from behind the camera, and a muttered, ow. 

“Don’t do that,” Kenma hisses, eyes narrowed, “And don’t make that face either. It’s creepy.” Turning back to the camera, the exhaustion of a thousand tired years in his eyes, he goes on, “Ever since Kuro appeared, you have been asking for him. So here he is.” 

Taking the cue, Kuroo stumbles into view, grinning. “Hello, Kodzu-simps.” 

“They don’t call themselves that.”

“Doesn’t make it not true. And I don’t blame ‘em.” 

Kenma rolls his eyes, grumbling something that sounds suspiciously like, “Just get this out of the way.

“Let’s talk about,” He pauses, sighing deeply and gesturing to his left where Kuroo is seated, “This fucker.” 

Curling his lip, Kuroo slips a hand behind his ear, as if tucking in a stray hair. “Debby Ryan here. I-”

“This is Kuroo Te-”

“I’m Debby fucking Ryan , and you’re watching the Disney Channel, you bitch.” 

Kenma is unperturbed. “This is Kuro. I’ve known him my whole life, and that’s all you really need to know.” 

Kuro nods in affirmation.“Correct. Kenma’s my best friend!”

A pause, in which Kenma peers quizzically up at Kuro. “...Did you just friendzone me?”

Holding a hand to his chest dramatically, Kuroo faux-gasps. “Kenma, don’t tell me… do you have a crush on me? I’m flattered! I can’t say I saw this coming-”

“We’re married,” Kenma deadpans, turning to look into the camera. “Moving on-”

Kuroo snatches up his hand, pulling it to his lips and kissing it with a smacking mwah! “And don’t you forget it, babe!” 

Shuffling the notecards in front of him, Kenma huffs. “I hate it here. I want a divorce.” 

“Too bad. I burned our marriage certificate.” 

“You-” Kenma looks up at him quizzically, “Are you being serious?” 

“Deathly. You can’t return things without the receipt, you know that, kitten.” 

“Motherfucker, I really am stuck with you? I was hoping to just bide my time until some rich older gentleman comes to sweep me off my feet.” 

“You don’t need a sugar daddy. You’re like, loaded, bro.” 

“Don’t call me bro.” 

“Besides,” Kuroo goes on, ignoring Kenma, “It’s more like you’re my sugar daddy.” 

“I am not . We co-own the company.” 

“Whatever you say, Dadd-

“I’m going to stop you right there. First question, from isabella_kenma_stan: how did u keep ur wholeass HUSBAND a secret for years??? Wtf dude.” Setting the card aside with a shrug, Kenma gives a small smile. “I don’t know. I said, ‘I don’t really want everyone to know about us because it’s a hassle,’ and he said ‘Okay.’ The end. He’s nice like that.” 

“And that’s on boundaries,” Kuroo agrees, throwing an easy arm around Kenma. Almost instinctively, the smaller man curls into him, glancing down at the next card. 

Who’s the top?”  

Kenma frowns. “Look at me… now look at him. Next question.” He shuffles the cards for a moment, looking for a good one. “Kodzukenbabies asks: how did you meet?

Kuroo perks up. “That’s a good one! We met when we were kids. I made him join the volleyball club with me, and we played together all the way through high school, even though he didn’t really like it.”

“I didn’t hate it. It was fun sometimes.” 

Kuro snorts, rolling his eyes. “Only because of your obsession with Shoyo.”

 “I am not obsessed with him.” 

“Do we need to pull out the jerseys? The autographs? The cardboard cutouts?

Crossing his arms over his chest, Kenma huffs, leaning out of Kuroo’s grasp and blowing a stray strand of hair out of his face. “He’s my friend,” He says defensively, pouting.

“I know he is, but dude . That’s like… fan behaviour.” Kuroo side-eyes the camera. “Forget the sugar daddy, he’s gonna leave me for the shortest motherfucker on the planet!”

“He’s not that short.” 

“He is! What does he have that I don’t?” 

“A spot on a professional volleyball team.” 

Kuroo falters, looking hurt. “I- Low blow.” 

Ignoring his husband completely, Kenma looks back at the camera. “Before you ask, yes, I played volleyball. I was a setter.” 

“Best setter I’ve ever met!” Kuroo croons proudly, “The brain of Nekoma High!”

“I told you to stop using that stupid nickname. Next question. Hanakosama asks, what’s it like running a very successful business? ” Kenma sets the card down, thinking for a moment. For once, Kuro doesn’t jump in, letting Kenma ponder before answering, “It’s surreal. Kuroo is a big support. We co-own the company, but he’s busy with other things sometimes. No matter what, though, he’s always got my back.” 

Kuroo nods in affirmation, looping an arm back around Kenma’s waist. “Always.” It’s sincere, not a trace of amusement as he looks into the camera. Softly, Kenma smiles, before reading out the next card. 

“Pegkodzuken2021 asks: sussy baka . Not a question, but A for effort. Moving on, gojosballsack-I can’t believe you made me say that out loud- asks: something you dont like about the other?”

Kuroo grins lazily at the camera. “There’s nothing I don’t adore about my lovely little kitten. He is sweet and docile and perfect, like a little golden bird-”

“He snores.” 

Kuroo wrinkles his nose and opens his mouth to protest, but Kenma continues, counting off on his fingers, “He leaves wet towels on the bathroom floor, he has bad morning breath, he sings really badly in the shower-”

“Bokuto says my singing voice is beautiful!”

“-he is a reckless driver, he likes Imagine Dragons, he quotes our high school science textbook too much, he’s too nice to me, he leaves in the mornings…” Kenma shrugs. “It could be worse.” 

Satisfied, Kuroo grins proudly at the camera. “See? Very healthy and stable marriage.” 

Tucking a strand of hair behind his air, Kenma averts his eyes, mumbling, “I can’t think of anyone better.” 

“There is the Shoyo clause in our relationship, though,” muses Kuroo. Turning towards the camera, he goes on, “Meaning Hinata is a special case. I can’t say shit when it comes to Kenma and Hinata.” 

Bitterly, Kenma pinches Kuro’s bicep. “And yet you still do.” 

“Ow! Bad kitten.” 

‘I’m going to rip your entrails out while you sleep.” 

Kuroo grins at the camera. “We are a happy, loving couple!” 

“I want a divorce.” 

“I said no.” 

“I still want one. Then I can marry Sho.” 

Kuro grasps at his chest in horror. “A betrayal of the highest order… Ouch.”

“You act surprised.” 

Kuroo snorts. “Honestly, I’m not.” 

“I’m not going to leave you for Shoyo, idiot.” 

“Liar.”

Kodzuken only glares. “Blocked and reported. Never speak to me or my husband ever again.” 

“But I am your husband-”

“I said, reported.” 

“Wait, unblock me.” 

Resolute, Kenma shakes his head. “No. Fuck you.” 

“Please.” A beat of silence. “Baby, please.” 

“...Fine. Unblocked.” 

Kuroo smirks, the cat who got the cream. “Bitch.”

“Okay, that’s enough.”

 

[End of video]



11:34pm

KUROKEN?!? @pegkodzuken2021

well now we HAVE to call ourselves the kodzu-simps 

 

11:35pm 

gimme chocolate @waitwaitwait 

shoyo…. SHOYO HINATA?!?!

 

11:46pm

kenma. @kodzuken 

yes.

 

kenma. @kodzuken

come on guys. i shouldn’t have to tell you not to send kuro death threats. <3