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Tea & Fire

Summary:

If you could go back, what would you change? I would have left. Obi-Wan has been in hiding for ten years on Tatooine when one meditation brings him into the past. Even if he can undo the mistakes of the past, he finds himself still on verge of shattering.

Instead of fixing mistakes, he decides to go on the war path, to spite Dooku, to kark with Sidious, to put a pipe bomb in the extremism of the New Mandalorians and Death Watch, but most importantly, to save his men.

His vode.

Jango Fett can either step up or step aside, because just like Obi-Wan never stopped being a Jedi, he never stopped being one of the best military minds this galaxy has ever seen.

Chapter 1: Breathe

Chapter Text

Dyslexia: Expand your vocabulary if you don't know the definition ;D

AN: We all knew this was coming, new TV show, new fic. But as I was on whole a bit disappointed I'm using nothing from the KENOBI show, aside from Ewan McGregour.

Summary: If you could go back, what would you change? I would have left. Obi-Wan has been in hiding for ten years on Tatooine when one meditation brings him into the past. Even if he can undo the mistakes of past, he finds himself still on verge of shattering. He's not the Jedi Master Anakin needs but he's still the one Anakin wants.

Tea & Fire

Water is the mother of tea, a teapot its father, and fire the teacher. ~ Chinese Proverb

Prologue

Obi-Wan sat cross legged on the bed of his small hut.

Images flashed before his eyes.

Under Qui-Gon's direction, he didn't shield himself from them.

It had been ten kriffing years, and he was no closer to understanding or processing the war nor how the effects that day on Mustafar had had on him.

How could love turn to hate?

How could loyalty turn to betrayal?

How had he let Anakin get so close to the Chancellor?

"Breathe," Qui-Gon reminded him.

Obi-Wan let out a long breath as he sank deeper into the meditation.

He stood in the Temple, his hands trembling, hidden by his sleeves.

"Anakin, you cannot lose control like that, you could hurt someone. You could hurt yourself."

"What do you care!? You don't care about anyone! You're heartless!" Anakin roared.

Thirteen years old who had somehow held all anger and self-hatred inside of himself.

Anakin had stopped cooperating with the mind healers, stopped confiding in Obi-Wan, stopped asking questions, stopped doing his homework, stopped smiling—

And it was all Obi-Wan's fault. He was a bleeding idiot to think he could handle a Padawan when he himself had barely been Knighted.

"Ani, please—"

"Don't call me that!"

Obi-Wan bit his tongue, fighting himself to keep calm, to be the adult.

But he could feel Anakin's pain like an open wound across his own heart. Anakin's presence was overwhelming sometimes. And despite him being light, he tended to channel all of the Force, the Dark and the Light.

Obi-Wan wished that Anakin trusted —or even liked— Mace better than he did. He wished his grandmaster had left the Order.

Mace could have helped Anakin through this in ways Obi-Wan couldn't wrap his head around.

Obi-Wan had always been the odd one out of his lineage. He had never been tempted by the Dark. Opening himself up to the Force was difficult enough as it was, allowing himself to reach for the Dark was something beyond him.

He tended to just cut himself off from the Force when he lost control.

Obi-Wan couldn't remember much of his childhood. But he knew what his name meant, knew that being Force sensitive was a death sentence on Stewjon, doubly so because his parents had been a part of a particularly vicious clan of Mandalorians.

So Obi-Wan did understand the traumas Anakin had experienced.

But telling Anakin his parents had been worse than slavers who he honestly hoped were dead was not a productful conversation.

He wished he could just call the boy's mother. But Master Yoda had said that would only make things worse.

"You can stop pretending you're like Master Qui-Gon, you'll never replace him."

It was a knife, one that Anakin had thrown many times before. Tears pricked at Obi-Wan's eyes as he battled down his own temper.

Anakin didn't truly want to hurt him, he was just hurting.

Obi-Wan knew that.

Just as he knew that he had never and would never live up to his Master's standards.

"What, nothing to say? You can't even deny it, can you?" Anakin raged.

Obi-Wan's heart broke, "Anakin, I am not your enemy. Just take a breath and we can—"

"You don't even believe me! I wish you weren't my Master! I hate you!" Anakin shouted before running to his room and locking the door behind him.

Obi-Wan came gasping back to reality, his breath shuttering out of him.

I HATE YOU!

Fire.

Pain.

Obi-Wan fought not to throw up. No matter how hard he tried, he couldn't understand how pain had morphed Anakin away from his empathy for others into fear for himself, for those he possessed.

Obi-Wan had tried so hard to teach him to let go.

All things die, life was a give and take, and one could only help so far, but each person's journey was their own.

Every goodbye was as precious as each hello. You could not stop death, you could not stop pain, the only power you had was how you choose to move forward.

It was easier said than done.

And Obi-Wan knew he wasn't doing so hot in dealing with pain management at present.

A sentiment clearly shared by his ghostly Master if his glower was directed at him was anything to go by.

"Breathe," Qui-Gon commanded.

Obi-Wan straightened his spine, feeling like a chastised teenager himself.

"If you could have done it differently, what would you have done?" Qui-Gon asked.

Give him a hug? Was Obi-Wan's first thought, but —understandably— Anakin had seemed to outgrow hugs when he was about eleven.

So what would Obi-Wan have done?

There was no mind-healer Anakin would see, no words that would have made any difference.

"I would have left," Obi-Wan said.

Qui-Gon raised a translucent brow, "You really think that would be wise? It wouldn't help with his abandonment issues."

Obi-Wan threw his hands up, "What would you have had me do then? He wanted you and he wanted his mother. I will never be and never have been that to him."

Qui-Gon cocked his head to the side, "No, you were something deeper. A brother."

Obi-Wan made a harsh sound, "Great, a lot of good that did."

"He thought you were sleeping with Senator Amidala behind his back," Qui-Gon said as if he wasn't sucker punching Obi-Wan in the face.

"HE WHAT!?"

Qui-Gon blinked, "I thought you knew. It was rather obvious, wasn't it? He believed you had betrayed him, he thought his wife was lying to him, and he had no way of knowing if the child —the twins— were his or not."

Obi-Wan thought he was going to be sick again.

At his silence, Qui-Gon went on ruthlessly. "What do you think he meant when you showed up with the Senator? 'You betrayed me!' Why else would he attack her for bringing a friend, someone he might have thought to reason with?"

Obi-Wan shook his head and growled, "I'm going to kill Palpatine."

Qui-Gon sighed, "Obi-Wan, things were broken before the Sith shattered your bond. What would you do differently if you could do it over?"

Obi-Wan didn't know, it was hard to think, he felt overwhelmed by the sheer amount of mistakes he had made.

"Breathe," Qui-Gon instructed.

Obi-Wan centred himself; and breathed.


Chapter 1 - Breathe

Mace watched as Obi-Wan paced his room, distraught.

"I could give the kid a nuggie," Quin offered, in an attempt to cheer him.

Obi-Wan shook his head, not even looking up from his feet, "I don't know what to do. Yoda was right, I wasn't cut out for this. I should have let someone else teach him from the start."

Mace sighed, "Obi-Wan, give yourself some credit, the things you're dealing with now are the same things all Masters think with their first Padawan. If not these problems exactly, then other problems just as individual."

"He's a preteen," Quinlan agreed. "This is literally as bad as it gets."

Mace disagreed, but he kept his mouth shut, Obi-Wan needed a sympathetic ear, not a lecture.

"Qui-Gon would be proud of you, Obi-Wan. You are doing your best, Anakin will come around and see that one day."

Obi-Wan loved that boy.

That wasn't a criticism, quite the contrary, it was a difficult line to walk, but Obi-Wan was doing it with more grace than he realized.

Obi-Wan spun to look at Mace, his blue eyes wet around the edges, "Why didn't Qui-Gon wait for me? If he had just waited for me instead of rushing ahead… he would still be here."

Mace's heart twisted, Obi-Wan had his own abandonment issues. Issues that he hid so well most of the time that he passed his damn mind-healer test every karking time.

"Breathe," Mace said softly.

Obi-Wan shut his eyes tight, the tears finally escaping down his cheeks.

It was a reminder of how young this Knight still was.

Obi-Wan took in a sharp breath, but let it out slow.

At the end of that breath, something in Force around them seemed to change.

A shifting of tides, a band of low pressure.

Obi-Wan's shoulders eased, his palms turned upwards as the Force gave a long sigh.

And Obi-Wan fell into the Force, his Light winking out as a candle against a gale.

Mace watched in shock and helplessness as Obi-Wan disappeared into thin air, his clothes falling to the ground, his lightsaber making a muted thud as it too fell to the floor.

Gone.

No body.

Just gone.

Mace forgot how to breathe.

"Obi-Wan?" Quin asked, voice brittle. "Obi-Wan, that's not funny, come on."

But the Force was…

Mace knew what it felt like when Jedi died.

And that had been it, painless, instantaneous, but still death.

Mace tried to reach his senses out further, tried to find Obi-Wan—

The Light of the Order, the one the High Council believed to be the true breaking point of the Order and the future of their people. He had been Yoda's favourite since he had been brought to the Temple, bleeding and demanding someone look at Tholme's injuries.

Qui-Gon had been Yoda's choice for Obi-Wan, it had been a rough fit, but Qui-Gon —contrary to what Obi-Wan thought— had always doubted his worth and ability to teach Obi-Wan.

If the young Knight had just trusted himself a bit more, he could achieve what every Jedi could only hope to get a glimpse of. A Jedi who would godone in history as one who walked the Path.

One moment, Obi-Wan had been here in front of him, a star with a heart of kyber.

The next?

Gone.

Snuffed out in a single breath.

Quinlan fell to his knees, grabbing at the rumpled robes, "No, no, Obi-Wan, no… you can't leave us. You can't leave—" He choked on a sob.

Mace was by his side, pulling the young man into his arms.

Quinlan and Obi-Wan had been friends, or something more, at one point.

"Shhh," Mace shushed him, rubbing his back. "He's with the Force now."

"It took him! It took him from us!"

Mace didn't know what to say to that, but he knew that it was possible everyone had felt Obi-Wan die.

"Quin, I need to go check on Padawan Skywalker."

Quinlan began to swear in his mother tongue, pulling himself up, Obi-Wan's lightsaber clutched in his hand.

Plo came running into the room, Depa at his side. "Obi-Wan!?" they asked in unison.

Mace stood, feeling shaky, "Where's Master Yoda?"

Master Yoda helped them search, even as Mace made his way to Anakin. The boy was still a star of his own in the Force, and though he was upset, Mace couldn't sense that he noticed or understood what had happened.

Yoda's ears were drooped low as he looked up at Mace with sad green eyes and shook his head.

Knight Obi-Wan Kenobi had passed on into the Force.

Just because they didn't understand it, didn't make it less true.


Anakin felt sick.

He was tired of these people who didn't understand him.

Tired of the Force that made him feel everything tenfold.

Obi-Wan didn't get it.

Anakin didn't have to try to connect to the Force and all Obi-Wan kept saying amounted to; Control yourself, Padawan.

Control.

Like it was easy.

Like it was simple.

But how did you control an ocean?

How did you distinguish your feelings from everyone elses'?

Shielding was difficult.

Master Obi-Wan wasn't even as powerful as Anakin, not in raw —Forceness, but he was the Master of Shielding.

On one hand, it was really nice that Anakin never got bleed over from the man he lived with, on the other hand, his natural sense of people that he had relied on all his life didn't work at all.

Was Obi-Wan angry with him? Disappointed? Hurt? Amused? Bored?

Anakin didn't kriffing know. The man was a wall, and in this confusing new life that seemed to love rules more than the Force itself, Obi-Wan was the biggest mystery.

Unlike Master Qui-Gon.

Anakin had been able to sense everything the big man had felt. He had been such a well of peace and surety. Even when he got angry, Master Qui-Gon's presence had felt like protection and safety.

Obi-Wan didn't feel like that at all.

He felt like light, like starlight, cold and distant. Untouchable even when he was hugging him.

It was creepy and as much as Anakin would have loved the comfort, he didn't want to be hugged by dark space. It was something that had only gotten worse as the years passed.

Like now, for instance, Anakin wouldn't even have been able to tell if his Master was dead or alive.

But he could feel…

Anakin sprang upright, rubbing the tears from his eyes as he tried to process what he was sensing outside his room.

Lots of power and emotion, the emotions were a bit extreme but the power was…

It was the Council.

Kriff, kriff, kriff!

Maybe Master Obi-Wan had finally gotten sick of him.

Anakin hadn't meant what he said, not really, he just wanted to sense something from his taciturn Master.

There was a knock on his door, and Master Windu's voice called, "Padawan Skywalker?"

Anakin wiped one more time at his face, he pulled himself together as best he could. He had been in trouble at the Temple before, the worst he had gotten so far was extra meditation, ugh, and helping the tech crew label scrap parts in the hanger.

The latter was hardly a punishment at all.

It was kind of fun and actually helped him clear his head.

He opened the door and looked all the way up at the dark Master.

Anakin sucked in a breath though when he felt the Force around the group of Masters that had entered their suit. Yoda and Knight Depa were the only ones he had ever really had a conversation with.

Unlike Obi-Wan, Master Windu felt like an approaching sandstorm.

His sorrow.

His grief.

It choked Anakin, and his mind was already reeling as he reached for his own Master.

That distant cold star.

All he found in Obi-Wan's place was pure darkness.

A roaring nothingness of empty space.

Master Windu dropped to a knee before him, and Anakin jumped back in surprise.

"Padawan, it's Obi-Wan, he's… he is with the Force now."

Anakin's heart thundered and he shook his head, "No, no. You're lying. He wouldn't leave. He wouldn't leave me!"

Master Windu's normally inscrutable face was raw with pain. "I'm so sorry, Anakin. We don't know what happened, but I was there—" the Master's voice caught but he went on with a rougher tone. "I'm so sorry, but he's gone. He's gone where we cannot follow."

Anakin blinked hard, "No, he can't— We're safe here. He said so. He said so!"

Windu held out a hand to him.

Anakin felt his eyes widen.

Was a Council member offering him a hug?

Or maybe it made sense.

Everyone in the Order had given up their mothers, but all of them had Masters and mentors. Maybe the Jedi's famed stoicism only stretched to outside the Order?

Or maybe it was just an Obi-Wan thing, to not mourn your Master.

Anakin stepped forward, still shocked and reluctant to accept that this was really happening, that Obi-Wan was really…

Windu's arms enveloped him in an embrace and it was impossible to not lean into that comfort.

He had always thought Mace Windu was scary, but right now, his feelings were a mirror of Anakin's own and it felt— it felt human.

Like they weren't Jedi who were part of a religious order, they were just people who were grieving a loved one…

Anakin shook as it really hit him.

Obi-Wan was dead.

Just like Qui-Gon.

Anakin shut his eyes, ducking his head against Windu's shoulder, holding onto the man tightly as if he would protect him, as if Anakin could hide from the memory of what he had done.

Obi-Wan had died and Anakin's last words to him had been; I wish you weren't my Master! I hate you!

Anakin would have traded just about anything to take it back. He didn't hate Obi-Wan, he never could.

I hate you!

It was a lie.

Anakin hated himself.


AN: No angst here, how dare you even think it… ;D Thoughts, rattlesnakes, or feedback, pretty please?