Work Text:
Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
His throat was tight he just needed to breathe but he couldn't, not with over a hundred thousand people watching him. Not when they were all silently judging him for every tremble of his hand and slight off tone to his voice. He needed their approval, he desperately needed them to forgive him. He never ever wanted them to feel unsafe or scared around him, he loved them all so much, it was never his intention to cause distress amongst his community. Even with a chat filled with hearts and loving messages, he just couldn’t focus on them. Tears brimmed his eyes already, you could hear it in his voice. He was hiding, taking advantage of that messy mop of hair that he hadn’t gotten cut yet. So the moment he finished saying what he needed to, he ended.
The second the screen went blank and it said offline the dam broke.
Too many eyes just saw him in such a vulnerable state. Why again did he decide to do that live? Now he can barely breathe, the edges of his vision were fuzzy and his head was starting to feel a little light. Desperate tears stained his cheeks to just feel more than numb, everything was spinning and he couldn't feel. His nerves felt blank except for dull tingling and fuzziness, it almost hurt. It felt loud.
Karl’s phone faintly buzzing on the desk in front of him snapped him from his frenzy, he reached for it, failing to read the contact through blurry eyes until he could make out an “N”. He swiped immediately to accept
“Karl? I saw you ended. You okay, buddy?” Sapnap’s familiar and chilling voice was swimming down for him, cutting through the ice that trapped him under and pulling him towards safety. Just when he was on his last breath it was just enough to keep him there.
“I can’t-” Karl cut off with a choked back sob, Sapnap’s frown was visible through his tone of voice.
“Hey breathe with me, okay? Can you do that?” Karl fainty hummed in response, he was going nonverbal in his haze and Sapnap obviously couldn’t see him nodding, he hoped the message could get across. “Alright, in,” he took a deep, slow, audible breath in, loud enough so Karl could hear and follow his pattern. “Now back out, there you go. You’re doing good.”
Sapnap stayed right with him to guide him through breathing until he wasn’t hyperventilating through the receiver. Karl's throat felt extremely dry, contrasting to his soaked, tear-stained cheeks. The rest of his body was still in the same state as before.
“Describe to me how you’re feeling, Karl,” Sapnap demanded. It was gentle though, more of a command- previously discussed to help him during anxiety attacks -that helped Karl when he couldn’t ground himself.
“Dizzy. Everything hurts,” his voice was meek, timid almost of being so vulnerable even in front of only Sapnap.
“Do you think you can go get some water? That’ll help, you should take your meds too.” Sapnap spoke calmly. “Can you do that for me, baby?”
“Yeah,” Karl hummed, shakily standing from his desk on wobbly knees. He had to grip the table to steady himself.
“Take your phone with you, I’m staying on the call.”
Karl slowly made his way down the stairs, (a simple task that probably shouldn’t have taken him so long), and reached for a plastic cup in the kitchen- a glass seemed too dangerous while his fingers were still trembling -he filled it with filtered water from the refrigerator. It was cold, it felt like heaven soothing his throat. Desperately, he downed the whole glass then refilled it to take back upstairs, remembering to grab his medicine from the cabinet before he forgot. Karl ventured upstairs again while babbling to Sapnap that he did as asked, waiting generously for the praise he knew the younger boy would give him.
“Good job sweetheart, I’m proud of you. You’re so good, take your meds for me and go lay down.” Sapnap cooed, Karl teared up again from how gentle his boyfriend was being.
He didn’t deserve it, he told himself. He was in trouble for the things he did wrong. Sure he didn’t mean to, and he knew better now, but he was holding himself accountable. Karl was just someone who can’t handle someone being mad at them, especially thousands online who looked up to him. He wanted them all to feel safe and happy with him. The internet is a scary place.
“Karl? Still with me, bud?”
“Mhm,” Karl mumbled back. He quickly downed the pills before he could overthink that too, and crawled into his bed. For as tall as he was in his almost-too-small bed, he felt so small right now. The world felt big, he was so tiny in the safety of his bedroom. “Took m’ meds, think I might crash.”
“That’s okay. Do you want to stay on the call?” Karl nodded quickly, forgetting for a moment that Sapnap couldn’t see him.
“Please.”
“Okay, I think I’m gonna nap too.” There was shuffling of sheets on the other end as Sapnap got comfy in bed, then he hummed. “If you wake up and need me just hang up and re-call me, okay?”
“Kay,” Karl slurred, already halfway asleep despite being in uncomfy clothes and only half under the blankets. “Love you, Nick.”
“Goodnight baby, I love you too.”
Karl was out minutes after.