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Tadashi had woken up on the wrong side of bed.
He had set his alarm to p.m. instead of a.m., opening his eyes out of pure luck, five minutes before practice. He’d been late, so his usual warm up was rushed. Making a few mistakes was not unusual, but when he failed to receive a ball and proceeded to fall on his ass, Tsukki laughed at him. Tadashi usually laughed with him, today he only flinched.
He had been practicing the jump float where the ball appeared to be going out but ultimately fell in, near the back line. Needless to say, it wasn’t going well. Not today, apparently. Half of his serves were out, the other half easily caught by Nishinoya. Even Shouyou gave one of his miraculous receives and got praised. No one seemed to care whether Tadashi was improving or not. Or maybe they just didn’t want to tell him how bad he had been doing lately.
He fell asleep during half of his classes, but it didn’t make him feel less tired. He ate with Tsukishima on the courtyard, but the boy put on his headphones before he even sat down, so Tadashi ate in silence.
Afternoon practice was the same. Another failed set of serves, another wave of disappointment. He felt useless; couldn’t even laugh when Tsukki made a backhanded comment that made Tanaka take off his shirt and wave it in anger. Couldn’t even get a “shut up, Yamaguchi”, when he didn’t feel like saying anything in the first place.
He got changed so fast he now had to stand there, in the club room, worrying at the seam of his t-shirt, waiting for Tsukki to finish getting changed. Hinata and Kageyama were arguing on their way out, their senpais already off.
The silence gave him time to think about how much of a bad day today had been; not because of anything in particular, but rather an accumulation of tiny bad things. He felt miserable, and in consequence weak, for even feeling this way. Looking up at Tsukki, he wished, for a tiny second, that this was something he could talk about. That he could just blurt out, like Hinata or even Asahi did, that he was feeling down, and wanted a hug.
But it made him feel stupid, like a burden. Also, it wouldn’t be welcome. Tsukishima wasn’t the type of friend to comfort anyone. It was hard to be friends with Tsukki on the days when he wasn’t feeling confident in himself. Not because the blond would try and drill into his insecurities on purpose, not like he did to other people. But he wasn’t kind, either. It felt like a constant reminder that he had to man up, and stop whining.
Tsukishima passed him by on his way out of the club room with no words whatsoever. He must have known Tadashi would trail after him, as per usual, hurrying to not get left behind. Tsukki's steps were larger than his. Or at least that’s the excuse Tadashi gave himself, whenever he had to strain to keep up with the blond. It wasn't because Tsukki didn't really care whether he followed or not. Right?
Chewing at his nails this time, Tadashi walked their way home. He'd always been happy that his house was near Tsukki's; that they had to take the same path after school. Maybe it's because he knew that if it weren't, Tsukishima wouldn't care for walking together. Maybe they wouldn't even hang out and study as much as they did.
He had been quiet for too long, which was unlike him, when Tsukki gave him a side-glance.
"Are we still studying math?"
"I- um." He had forgotten he was supposed to stay over at Tsukki's to study for an upcoming test. "Sure."
It must have sounded unconvincing, as Tsukki huffed. Annoyed, maybe. Such a faint sound Tadashi couldn't really decipher it.
"You don't have to come, I can study math on my own."
Something about the way it was phrased hurt in Tadashi's chest. For once, he let the feeling remain; cursing through blood, like a bit of poison spreading about. Against his wishes to just get home and bury himself in a blanket, he stopped walking.
"I'm sure you can." bitterness was clear in his voice. Avoiding Tsukishima's eyes, he tightened the grip on his dufflebag’s handle. "I'm sure you wouldn’t care either way. Studying with me or alone, I bet it doesn’t make a difference."
Realizing he didn’t want to hear the answer to that, he interrupted before Tsukishima could make a sound either way, and scoffed a tired laugh, waving a hand dismissively. The knot in his throat grew tighter, so he cleared his throat. He wasn't going to cry. Tsukki would think him pathetic. Then again, he probably already thought so.
Tsukishima’s shoes took a step towards him.
"Yamaguchi," he said, confused. "What's this about?"
Tadashi shook his head. Rubbed at his eye. "It's nothing, Tsukki. I'm fine. I forgot my mom wanted me home to help her cook today. I can't come to study."
He forced his feet forward; the faster this was done with, the better. He could take some time to compose himself, tonight, and feel better by tomorrow. When he did look up, however, Tsukishima hadn’t followed. Tadashi couldn’t remember a time when he’d seen Tsukki hurry to catch up with him.
A frown etched Tsukishima’s usually unbothered expression, but he buried his hands in his pockets and looked forward, without a word. Tadashi swallowed and continued on, thinking that was that. Tsukki wouldn’t even answer, wouldn’t care for it.
That’s why, when he did speak, Tadashi startled.
"Bullshit."
"What?"
"I'm calling bullshit.” Tsukki repeated. “Your mom never cooks on Thursdays. She has to come home late so she makes dinner in the mornings, leaves it in the fridge. She should be fine with you coming to study."
Tadashi stared at the determined furrow of the blond’s brow, not understanding. He wouldn't have expected Tsukishima to say a word, one way or another. He was aware it was a stupid excuse, he knew his mother wouldn’t care if he spent the night at Tsukki’s, but he hadn’t expected a confrontation.
"I- yeah. I guess you’re right." He conceded, rubbing his nape. Tadashi still didn't think he could cope spending the night at Tsukki's, not today, not when he felt this bad. "I'm just- I'm feeling kind of ill, my stomach..."
"Bullshit" Tsukishima interrupted.
"Tsukki!"
"Stop lying, Yamaguchi. If you don't want to come study just say so."
Tadashi stopped walking again, pursing his lips to control his anger and avoid stuttering; fists clenched like a child throwing a tantrum. "Fine. I don't want to, ok? Lay off, Tsukki, please."
For once Tsukishima looked startled, mildly hurt. Tadashi swallowed the forceful urge to apologize and beg for forgiveness. Not today.
"Oh," Tsukki swallowed. "Okay."
Tadashi sighed, backtracking on his anger. Sensing the way Tsukki was just going to take this opportunity to put even more distance between them. To spend a whole week only telling him to shut up. When he spoke, it came out quiet, sad, even to his own ears.
"I just had an off day. I don't feel like studying, I’d rather go home."
Tsukki seemed to have backtracked himself. "Are you really feeling ill?"
Tadashi shook his head no.
“Is there something wrong at home?”
"No, everything’s fine. I’m just tired."
There was silence as they walked the few feet left of road together, but when Tadashi was about to turn, and say goodbye, Tsukishima stopped him. Once again, looking determined.
"We don't have to study." He said, then fixed his glasses. "If you're tired. We don't even have to talk, or... I can talk, you don’t have to. If you want."
Tadashi’s eyes focused on Tsukki’s for the first time since they had started walking home. It was so out of character to hear him sound so soft, so weirdly attentive, even if it still resided behind that nonchalant facade of his. He took his time to examine his friend, and was dazed to find Tsukki looked fidgety; in between awkward and wanting to help.
Tadashi’s eyes filled with unshed tears. Did Tsukki want him to come spend the night so bad? Not even to study, just to hang out?
Unable to refuse such a plea even if he tried, Tadashi gave a nod. Tsukki relaxed, hands falling to his sides before surging to grab the sleeve of Tadashi's sweater and guide him towards his house.
When they got there, Tadashi said hi to Tsukki’s mother, toeing off his shoes with a 'pardon for the intrusion'; one he couldn't even finish properly before he was being dragged up the stairs. Tsukki's hand on his wrist this time.
He’d been inside Tsukki’s room so many times he knew the disposition by heart, yet today everything felt different. The hold on his wrist, warm and gentle, guided him towards the bed. They often studied on the floor, maybe on the desk, but Tadashi had never even sat on Tsukki’s bed. He was, however, deposited there now, made to sit on top of the mattress. Staring blindly as Tsukki walked over to the closet in his room, Tadashi opened his mouth to say something but it fell shut when he was handed a blanket.
"D'you want water or something?"
When he couldn't answer, trying to hold back a sob, Tsukki left anyway, to come back with a glass of water.
So here Tadashi sat, in Tsukishima's bed, with a blanket in one hand and a glass on the other. Tsukki took a seat on his desk chair, headphones still off, and threw him a fast glance.
"Do you want anything else?"
Tadashi wanted to cry. He shook his head no, brought the glass up to his lips with trembling hands and took a tiny sip, then left it on the bedside table. He unfolded the blanket, and draped it over his legs.
Tsukki didn’t look up from his notebook to speak. "You can lie down if you want to."
Tadashi's lip trembled, and he nodded, laying back on Tsukki's bed, hugging the blanket to him, hiding his face against it. He brought his knees up to his chest and tried breathing out, with poor results. All he could emit was a sob. Resolved to cry against the soft material, as there was nothing else he could do right now, Tadashi tried to be quiet, and not think about how Tsukki would probably stare at him. Thinking he was pathetic.
He must have been paying too much attention to his own breathing because he didn't even hear Tsukki stand up. Startled, he trembled when a hand patted at the top of his head in an awkward gesture, as if trying to comfort him but not knowing how to. Tadashi's crying mixed with a soft smile and he buried his face even deeper on the blanket.
The bed dipped as Tsukki took a seat beside him, fingers carding through his hair, adventuring a gentle touch. Tadashi shivered, a gasp mixing with his uneven breathing.
"Hey," Tsukishima called to him, concern disguised behind his easy tone. He tugged at his hair a little, trying to get him to sit up.
Tadashi shook his head, hugging the blanket tighter to his face.
"Tadashi, c'mon, sit up."
His name spoken out of Tsukki's lips with such softness felt like something melting inside him.
"I'm pathetic" he mumbled in response, and heard Tsukki huff a laugh.
"Just a little."
Tadashi could hear the tender smile in his voice. The urge to see it clinged heavily in his gut, so he gave in, sitting up, rubbing at his eyes and sniffling to clear the tears.
He blinked to see Tsukki assess him with clear worry along his features. He reached out, slowly, and Tadashi stopped breathing for a second, as a hand caressed the side of his face.
Tadashi bit the inside of his mouth to stop his lip from trembling, nose scrunching as more tears welled in his eyes. Tsukki's thumb wiped one of them off, before his hand traveled to his nape. It rested there for a second to then tug forward, bringing Tadashi close against his chest.
He squealed wetly through the motion, and promptly started weeping again as he was held in a tight embrace.
"Is this ok?" Tsukki asked, and Tadashi nodded, tears spilling unrestrained against his friend's chest. He burrowed closer, and Tsukki rubbed at his back, his other hand still carded through the hair in his nape. "I don't- You always know what to do when I'm in a bad mood. You give me space or just talk to yourself when I don't feel like answering. But I don't know what you need. It's like you’re always fine. Or, I don't know, I don't even notice if you’re not."
Tadashi was wailing at this point, crying so much he could barely take a breath in. He clutched at Tsukki's back, filling his school sweater with snot.
"Am I making it worse?"
Tadashi shook his head repeatedly. Swallowing to try and say something, to control his breathing and tears. It didn’t work, but Tsukki held on, rubbing his back and shushing him sweetly, patting his head. It was something so out of his comfort zone it made Tadashi dizzy. Tsukki holding him like this, trying his best to be kind and making him feel better, it was like seeing a penguin fly. It made the moment so significant; much more than Tadashi could ever ask for.
A few minutes passed them like that, with Tadashi holding on to Tsukki’s back and weeping, before he began to calm down. He was only emitting a few wet hiccups now and again when he peeled back from Tsukki’s arms and cleared his face from any tears. Tsukishima, blessed him, reached to grab a roll of toilet paper he kept in his bedside table and offered it to him.
Tadashi blew his nose, a sudden sense of vulnerability invading him. He wanted to hide his face back against the blanket and prevent Tsukki from ever seeing him like this. Because he must have looked awful, bloated and red, a combination that mixed rather disgustingly with his freckles.
He returned the toilet paper and took some courage, looking up. Tsukki’s eyes didn’t suggest disgust as they wandered up and down his face, on the contrary, they felt reverent. If Tadashi wasn’t already flushed from crying, he would have blushed from that look alone.
“Do you want to talk about it?” Tsukki broke the silence, sounding put off by the mere idea of what he was offering.
Tadashi shook his head, and huffed a laugh at the way Tsukishima’s shoulders dropped in relief. “Not really.”
“And do you feel any better?” Tsukki asked. He didn’t let Tadashi answer. “I know I’m an asshole most of the time, and I’m not gonna change that, that’s just how I am. But you- But I can tone it down if I know you’re feeling bad. You just have to let me know when.”
Tadashi nodded. The mere thought of Tsukki working on his being kind skills, just to make Tadashi feel better, itched on his skin, bloomed in his chest like a different kind of happiness. Maybe he could let Tsukki know, whenever he had a bad day and needed a hug. Maybe it would be welcome.
“I do feel better.” He spoke, and basked in the warmth of his friend’s answering exhale. “And I’ll try. To tell you, whenever I’m feeling down.”
Before he could even look up, Tsukki moved back, arranging the pillows on his bed so he was sitting against the headboard. He gestured for Tadashi to come closer. When all he could do in response was tip his head to the side, blinking like an idiot, or maybe a dog, Tsukki scoffed, a tiny blush appearing high on his cheeks.
“C’mere.”
Tadashi didn’t need to be told twice, even if he still didn’t understand what was happening. So he obeyed, shifting closer, and let himself be softly manhandled to lie down against Tsukki’s chest. Mesmerized, Tadashi let the steady beating of a heart beneath his ear relax his body, even if an intense blush came to warm his face.
They were cuddling. Him and Tsukki. What. The. Hell.
Even though he had been the one to propose this, Tsukishima seemed to be in a similar state of disbelief. He cleared his throat rather loudly.
“Is this ok?”
“Yes, please.” Tadashi answered, once again, dumbly. He barely avoided the strong urge to facepalm, and the heat on his face became dangerous. Yes, please? God he was so out of it.
Against all odds, Tsukki didn’t make fun of him. He did, however, huff a laugh that sounded unbelievably fond, and relax further into the embrace. He also brought a hand back to card into Tadashi’s hair, making him hum and settle into the gesture.
They lay there for what must have been a full twenty minutes. Tadashi had never felt so comfortable and warm in the presence of another human being. He nearly fell asleep twice, but he forced himself to stay awake, not wanting to ruin the moment, or sleep through it. He’d been dozing off once again, with Tsukki’s hand playing with his hair, when a faint question made him open his eyes.
“Are you asleep?”
He cleared his throat. “No, Tsukki, I’m awake.”
The other hummed, and Tadashi waited, holding his breath, for Tsukishima to say something else.
“I don’t think I’d ever seen you cry like that.” He finally commented, shifting on the bed so he held Tadashi even closer to his chest. “Are you sure you don’t want to talk about it?”
Tadashi sighed. He guessed he owed some kind of explanation.
“It’s just… I had a bad day. I failed most of my serves and... I don’t know, I was feeling insecure. About myself, in general. I know I’m not the most confident person,” he tried laughing but it came out forced. “My self-esteem needs some work. I know that. Some days it just gets harder to deal with.”
There was a prolonged pause. Tsukki sounded strained when he finally spoke. “It’s kind of my fault, isn’t it?”
“What? No, Tsukki, it’s not anything you did-”
“But I don’t help, Yamaguchi. I clearly don’t.”
Tadashi stopped talking, swallowed, then went back to laying his head on Tsukki’s chest, holding him tighter. “You’re helping now.”
A sarcastic huff. “We’re supposed to be friends and I can’t even be nice to you. No wonder you have self-esteem issues when the person you spend most of your time with is such an asshole.”
Tsukki gestured widely, helpless, but Tadashi couldn’t say a word because he continued.
“And it’s not on purpose, I don’t mean to make fun of you or anything, but sometimes I just can’t- You’re always going on about how cool I am and trying to defend me when other people say I’m mean. I don’t know how to deal with that, because I am mean. I just- I don’t know how you-” Tsukki’s voice broke. “I don’t know how you put up with me.”
“Oh my god, Tsukki, no.” Tadashi got up on the bed, just as Tsukishima recoiled, sitting up completely and looking away. Tadashi was still able to see the shine to his eyes. He’d never seen Tsukki cry before. Not ever. “What do you mean put up with you? I know you can be mean sometimes, but I still think you’re wonderful. You’re so cool, I like you so much.”
“Shut up, Yamaguchi.” Tsukki was now hiding his face in his hands, glasses nearly falling off in the gesture.
“No, no, I’m not shutting up.” He stressed. “Now we’re gonna talk about this. Do you think I don’t like you, or something? That I just put up with you, just because? I’m not a masochist, Tsukki, I wouldn’t follow you everywhere if whatever you did actually hurt. Because it doesn’t. I know you’re kind of harsh sometimes and I don’t want you to change. I think you’re really funny, actually, and I admire how you can just say the meanest things without batting an eye. I only wish I could do that, and not care what people thought of me. You’re just so honest with what you think, it’s refreshing!”
He realized his friend must have been a bit overwhelmed, with Tadashi speaking all into his space, so he retracted, waited. When Tsukki didn’t even get his face out of his hands, Tadashi spoke, quiet this time.
“Tsukki, are you crying…?”
“I’m not.”
“Okay.” He smiled. Then waited a bit more. “Can I give you a hug, then? I won’t even look at your face.”
Tsukki considered, and ultimately grunted an affirmative. “Close your eyes.”
Tadashi did so, a wide smile escaping his lips without permission. He heard some shuffling and then Tsukki give a shaky exhale. Tadashi startled when a hand was placed on either side of his torso, but the order to keep his eyes shut was said once more, so he didn’t look. He did swallow, dry, as two big hands tugged, angling him forward.
“How do I…?”
“Sit on my lap,” Tsukki rasped.
Tadashi couldn’t restrain a squeal. “What?”
“Just- Don’t make me repeat that.” He sounded flustered, pleading.
Tadashi wanted to look so badly. Instead he complied, and lifted his leg to straddle Tsukishima Kei, letting himself be guided down into his lap. His mouth was so dry he had to swallow again, before surging blindly to try and hug the blond to his chest.
He found their faces were closer than expected, and nearly poked at one of his eyes. Thank god for the glasses shielding his eyesight, Tadashi thought, as he muttered an apology. Tsukki only chuckled, and the sound came from such a close angle that it made his breath hitch. Hands coming to rest on Tsukki’s shoulders, he tried breathing out for a change.
“Don’t look.” Tsukishima mumbled again, repeating it like a mantra, and Tadashi didn’t dare disobey. Not when the touch trailed down to his lower back, leaving shivers in its path, and a forehead came to rest against his own. He let go of a small, high-pitched sound in response; only able to sense the way Tsukki’s breath was now hitting his mouth, warming him to the point where he felt like melting. When he thought his body couldn’t feel any more feverish, Tsukki added. “I’m going to kiss you, ok?”
And Tadashi burned all over. He nodded, and so Tsukki crossed the distance. It was Tadashi’s first kiss, and would probably be his last, if the butterflies in his stomach succeeded in killing him. The action was tender, more wet than he had expected, and not heart-stopping in itself. It was the fact that Tsukki’s lips had connected with his own, it was the way in which he continued to hold him, oh so kindly, that had Tadashi trembling so much. The press of lips was steady, lingered for a few seconds and then moved back.
Tadashi looked then, before he could stop himself. Eyes opening on autopilot. And he couldn’t bring himself to regret it, not if otherwise he would have lost the sight of Tsukishima’s blush decorating his cheeks, the bashful expression behind his glasses.
Before Tsukki could ask, again, if that had been ok, Tadashi surged forward to catch his lips in another kiss, even if he couldn’t stop smiling for half of it.
Tadashi would now have to rethink the whole meaning of what he called a bad day, because this definitely wasn't it.