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'Why me?'
Harvey often asked himself this question when he wasn't feeling his best. Jay meant the world to him, he was forever grateful for their childhood friendship that blossomed into romance. but even lying in bed next to the love of his life, he couldn't help thinking about how unlikely it was for the two of them to end up together in the first place.
He turned his head to look at Jay, who was sleeping peacefully beside him. He silently pondered why someone as amazing as them would ever choose someone like him.
They had chosen Shane first. No matter how long ago the relationship had ended, Harvey could never erase the fact that Jay chose Shane first. He struggled to hold back tears while remembering the moment he first stepped off the bus into Pelican Town, only to find that his best friend was in love with someone else.
However, by some miracle, Jay eventually wound up with Harvey, much to the dismay of the local Ranch hand. Harvey was no stranger to the menacing scowls of Jay's ex whenever he saw them walking around town with Harvey. Shane would roll his eyes whenever he saw them holding hands, or scoff to himself if Harvey ever kissed Jay in public. Harvey wondered if Jay ever regretting leaving Shane. If they ever silently compared the two relationships, even keeping score. How did Harvey measure up?
There was no use denying it. Harvey was old-fashioned, out-of-touch, and boring, while Jay was vibrant, youthful, and beloved by all. They could have anyone they wanted. They deserved to have anyone they wanted.
They deserved better than Harvey.
Unable to withstand the brutal thoughts running through his head, and unwilling to wake up Jay and interrupt their sleep, Harvey quietly climbed out of bed to be alone for a little while.
As he often did when he couldn't sleep, Harvey decided to head outside, to sit on the porch steps and clear his head, but it was no use. All he could think about was Jay, and how they were wasting their life with him. They deserved so much more than he was able to give. Harvey dropped his head into his hands as the tears began to fall.
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Jay awoke to the sounds of Hamish's paws on the bedroom door, scratching and whining to be let out. They rolled over, eyes still closed, hoping Harvey was still awake so they wouldn't have to get up.
"Harvey," they whispered, stretching an arm out to the opposite side of the bed. "Can you let Hamish out?"
Jay's eyes shot open when their arm landed on cold bed sheets.
"Harvey?" they asked, wondering where he could have gone.
The bathroom light was still off, so Jay decided to check the rest of the house. After letting Hamish out, they checked the living room, the kitchen, and even the wine cellar, but Harvey was nowhere to be found. Fearing the worst, they decided to check outside.
Stepping out into the cool night air, Jay finally found him. Just as they feared, he was all alone on the front porch steps, sobbing into his hands.
"Harvey," they said, rushing over to sit down next to him, immediately wrapping an arm around his shoulders.
He flinched at their touch, but quickly turned to envelop them in a tight hug.
"Just breathe, everything's gonna be okay." They said, gently rubbing his back. "I'm right here."
...
Jay held him tight until the tears stopped, coaching him through deep breaths until his breathing finally evened out.
"Honey, what happened?" They asked. "Where'd that head of yours bring you this time?"
This was unfortunately a common occurrence for Harvey. He'd think himself into a corner, and then isolate himself until the bad feelings went away. Any number of things could have prompted this episode. Nightmares about his tormentors from their school days, bad memories from foster care. Jay assured him that he could always come to them whenever he needed to, but he was still hesitant about waking them up in the middle of the night.
"I don't deserve you." Harvey said, his voice shaky and quiet.
Or even his self-confidence issues forcing him into a dark place.
"Yes. You do." They said, firmly.
Harvey shook his head, refusing to look them in the eye.
"Talk to me, love." Jay prompted, reaching out to take his hand.
"You could have anyone you want, and I... I can't give you the life that you deserve. Why on earth would you want to be with me?" he asked.
"I want to be with you because I love you." Jay replied. It was the easiest question in the world.
"But why? I'm too old, and boring."
"No. You're not." Jay hated when Harvey called himself old. He was only a few years older than they were.
"Please," he said, rolling his eyes. "We're practically the same age and I'm already going grey."
"And I love it. It makes you look all the more handsome. I love your hair, and I love the way you're always blushing whenever I try to run my fingers through it,"
His mouth twitched up into a hint of a smile as Jay gently ruffled his hair.
"I love the little crinkles around your eyes whenever you smile. I love how excited and passionate you are about your model planes. I love everything about you, and I'm so lucky to have you. So stop saying mean things about yourself because they aren't true."
Harvey placed a hand on their cheek as he leaned in for a kiss. "I'm the lucky one..." he murmured, some of the darkness finally lifting from his face after all of Jay's encouragement. "C'mere," he said, opening his arms for them.
Jay happily obliged, moving to sit in his lap as they draped their arms around his neck.
"Feeling any better?" They asked.
Harvey pressed a second kiss to their forehead, holding them as close as possible. "Much better. Thank you."
...
After a few more minutes of quiet snuggling, Jay asked, "Can we please go back to bed now?"
Harvey nodded. "Of course."
They walked back through the house, hand in hand. When they climbed back into bed, Jay crawled into his arms and rested their head against his chest.
"I love you." Harvey whispered, moments away from drifting off into sleep.
"I love you too."