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You were not made to care for a gosling.
The longer you are on this island, the surer you are that you were never made to care at all.
Because it is barely a week into your task, and 0186 has been nuzzling into the crook of your neck when you get the notification.
‘Inappropriate relationship detected. Activate warning protocols or return transmitter.’
You remember tilting your head at the words in your visor, confused. Inappropriate?
Fink is already asleep, and he has stated that he does not want to be awoken for mundane questions, so you are left to think by yourself. The fires embers continue dancing in their formation as you watch them, thinking.
Was the inappropriate relationship 0186?
Yes, you reason, it must be. Fink is your advisor, a beneficiary- your relationship with him helps further your task. But 0186?
(You don’t understand his response to your actions. You don’t understand anything he does at all.)
There was nothing inappropriate about your relationship though. Fink has previously reassured you that 0186’s behaviour was ‘normal baby stuff’ and expected for his development; healthy even. So perhaps your processors were mistaking your lack of understanding with this being inappropriate.
You nod, satisfied with that answer. You dismiss the alert, then dismiss it a second time when it asks you to double check with the helpline. You weren’t able to connect to anyone out here, and you have yet to run into another Rozzum who could send a signal to factory for you.
You slowly begin shutting down, allowing 0186 to nuzzle his head deeper against your neck, pushing the coils. But that was alright. That was expected. You were still on target to completing your task before winter.
(You realize much later that these little incidents would pop up more often, little reminders about what the boundaries of a normal Rozzum were. You realize much later that you dismissed them all, until they stopped coming.
You realize later what it means, but not until it is too late.)
Another thing expected of you is to make stuff up.
And you know for a fact that you were not made for that.
Pinktail tells you no one really knows how to be a mother, and Fink grows exasperated the longer you panic and worry. Because figuring things out is difficult, solutions to problems are often manufactured from nothing but experimentations and trials. So you try and you try- you try so hard- and you fail more often than not, but when you get it, you get it and Fink waves you off, saying he always believed in you.
(Those words always reassured you because maybe you can do this. You will accomplish your task.)
You don’t know anything about motherhood, so you ask Fink some questions.
You cannot tell if his answers are serious, so you ask Pinktail, ignoring his offended huff.
(Much, much later, you realize that he was being completely honest with you, and that makes you more worried than anything the fox has ever said to you.)
0186’s continued existence is essential to completing your task. So even though he is not as intelligent as you would hope your unit would be, even though he is far more breakable, you try your best to shield him from the dangers of the world.
Fink suggests letting him eat 0186 and get this whole thing over with.
You don’t let him catch a ride on your shoulder next time, because you have already explained this task needs to be completed, not eaten.
(A lot of animals try to eat 0186. You protect him from them all.)
0186 grows quickly and you are there to document every little bit of it.
He’s always standing so proudly every morning when you tell him his new height. His feathers become darker and his neck gets longer, and he alternates between calling you ‘Roz’ and ‘Mom’ as he rushes out, ready to see the world.
(You realize you really like Mom, even though you understand it’s not a part of your any of your licencing or serial numbers. But it means you’re on your way to getting this task accomplished, so you think you are allowed to feel proud.)
You ask Pinktail what love is, those first few days. You ask Fink. You even ask Paddler even though he doesn’t really like you, because the former two weren’t very informative on this matter either.
They tell you it’s a feeling in your heart. But you don’t have a heart, and the panel in your chest only holds a faulty power source, so you ask Paddler even after he splashes you with water and throws a stick at your face.
He’s the one who tells you to make yourself a heart, if you find you don’t have one.
(That’s the day you turn on Learning Mode permanently.
That was the day whatever shreds of the Rozzum you were meant to began disappearing.)
You still don’t really understand love.
But Brightbill loves you all the same.
You know he does, in the way he talks, in the way he moves, in the way he looks at you. You catch yourself hoping he stares at you like that more often, like you have all the answers (even when you don’t), like you could protect him from everything (even when you know you can’t). He has grown more intelligent everyday, braver, kinder.
Brightbill wants the world, and you will make sure he has it.
So you begin teaching him how to swim, pulling up all your diagrams and information you have stored in your data banks.
Fink does look at the charts odd, a little confused, but he is quick to default to saying you know how to take care of your child best, and he will help any way you see fit.
Fink lets you figure a lot of stuff out by yourself. You wish you had a little more assistance, but you accept what he gives you because he believes you can do this.
As time goes on, Fink talks to you more. You watch as his expression grows softer around you and Brightbill more often, his smile changing somehow. More real in a way.
(But that doesn't make sense. Because that would mean Fink wasn’t happy before, but he said he was when you asked. And Fink said he wouldn’t lie to you, but you are discovering that that might be a lie everyday in his presence.)
Brightbill tells you he loves you every night.
You always say it back because the first time you didn’t, he began crying.
You start meaning it more, every single time you say it.
It was one day when Brightbill was talking with you- and he makes the same sounds you do and something inside your head gets warmer and you always feel lighter somehow- and Fink shoots you a proud smile that you realize something.
You’re happy.
And it’s such a startling realization that your companions notice, walking up and asking you if you were alright.
You are, you absolutely are, and you don’t even feel the need to run a self-diagnostic, because you realize you like being happy.
Because Fink has moved from being a beneficiary to a friend, and Brightbill has become your child, and you don’t even realize these feelings are wrong yet, so you decide to embrace the two of them instead.
Brightbill readily embraces you back, trying to replicate your purr while Fink comments that the two of you were weird.
(But Fink doesn’t pull away from your embrace, so you take that as permission to embrace them tighter.)
You don’t quite know when 0186 became Brightbill in your thoughts- you won’t ever- but he is angry with you now, hating you. He hates that you ruined his chance to be normal. Ruined his chance to have a mom and dad and sisters and brothers.
You want to say that he was okay with not being normal before. You want to say that you didn’t know he actually thought you were related.
Because you are a robot and he is a goose, and the same eyes that used to look at you like you were the whole world has turned cold.
You don’t know when 0186 became Brightbill.
When Brightbill became your son.
But you wish you never came to this island, and you wish Pinktail never gave you this task to begin with.
(You’re lying to yourself. But Rummage makes you feel worse about yourself, so you try lying anyway.)
When Fink says it’s your fault for what happens, you realize Fink didn’t know anything about geese after all.
It’s something you realized a while ago you think. Just like you realized Fink maybe wasn’t as believing in you as he should’ve been.
(He says he believes in you now. Knows that you can teach Brightbill to fly now. Even though a part of you hurts, you believe him, just like you always have.)
You teach Brightbill how to fly.
Your task is accomplished.
You miss the final few seconds with Brightbill as your final directive is checked off and at long last, your first official task is finally accomplished.
Fink catches up to you, panting before his voice turns worried. He sounds like that a lot lately. But you can’t focus on that.
All you can focus on is your directives blocked off your view of Brightbill and you have thrown yourself into some trees, desperately clawing your way through branches for one final look.
And for just a moment, you delude yourself into thinking Brightbill almost looks a little sad, hurt, before he turns away.
(You stay on that ledge for a long time. Fink comes sometimes, but he’s always silent and never approaches too closely to you, until he finally speaks up.
He tells you that you should tell the person you love that you love them.
But you realize it’s too late; for the unit that became a goose that became a son to you is gone.
You ask him what do you do then, when the opportunity passes. For once, he admits he doesn’t know.
It is not until you cannot hear him at all, when you turn around to find he’s also vanished, that you realize your second opportunity to tell someone else has come and gone, and you never took it.)
You’re at the clifftop for all of thirty-nine seconds before you shut your transmitter off.
You assure yourself it’s because you want to know that Brightbill survived. He is your child even if he hates you, and a part of you needs to know that he survived coming back to the island. His home.
(You don’t think about the part of you that doesn’t want to leave here, that this place has become your home too.)
Fink is at the shelter despite the lack of fire and he agrees to help you track the other animals so you can keep them warm.
He’s more determined, even though he has repeatedly stated he doesn’t like most of the other animals. The feeling is mutual with the mass majority, but they’re cold and tired and not really willing to pick a fight, so they let you take them with ease.
Eventually, Fink begins shivering and swaying, having a hard time staying upright with the below freezing temperatures.
You take him back and he tells you where the rest of the animals are, and he promises he would help you anyway he can.
(You wonder if he maybe feels guilty for lying to you for so long. If this is his way of apologizing. Because when the animals warm up and get angry, it’s him who manages to calm them down and get them to stop fighting, and he curls up on you to rest.)
Brightbill is alive and he’s wanted by the geese, so you hide away.
You have a feeling Fink might try to find you. He has stayed out of your fight but you can see it’s hurting him too, as if he also misses what the three of you had.
But you have accomplished your task and you told Brightbill he will never see you again, so you hide away.
(After Vontra’s ship comes you wonder how you were ever planning on really hiding at all.)
Something went wrong with the procedure, because maybe you pulled your restraints too hard or maybe that swirling, shiny thing that bounced off your eyes was actually falling metal, but the procedure failed and you couldn’t move.
You wonder what would have happened if it worked. Why you can still think right now.
(You think about what Fink and Pinktail saying about love coming from a place in your chest. You remember Paddler telling you to make one, if you don’t have one on your own.)
Brightbill wakes you up and you run, carrying him in your arms. And when you’re both falling and you’re reassuring him, promising everything was going to be okay, you rip out the makeshift tangle of wires you pretended was your heart for months now and replace it with Brightbill.
(Because he said he loved you and he called you Mom, and you finally realize what everyone meant. What Fink meant that first night, hearing from an impossible part of you. Love doesn’t come from something in your chest; it’s not logical and it hurts and it feels like the best thing ever but it’s you, every part of you, every bolt and every plate and every empty piece and line of programming that made up who you are. You can’t ever have a real heart not really, but Paddler made you a new leg out of wood and it worked, so until he’s safe, Brightbill can be your heart, and after that- everyone you love.
You’ll figure everything else out later. Your heart needs you to protect him.)
The first time you feel love you realize, is when Brightbill hatched and placed his face on you.
Maybe you were always meant to be this way. Maybe you were always like this. Maybe Learning Mode isn’t what taught you what love was, maybe you just learned how to define it in a way that fit you.
You like that.
Because maybe, you always did love Brightbill, even when you didn’t understand it.
Thorn invites you and Brightbill to stay with him, which naturally means Fink comes along too. Brightbill and Fink have attached themselves to you, nuzzling you, and you can’t help but nuzzle them back. Pinktail tags along, saying she wants to check on all of you and Paddler shows up when you’re all getting settled. You don’t think anyone invited him but no one tells him to leave, and Paddler’s always done whatever he wanted anyway so you’re happy he’s here. It takes you an extra minute to coax Thunderbolt out, who had been watching from afar, and now he’s on your head and inspecting Brightbill’s wings and watching you as you removed the glass.
It only takes a few minutes for Pinktail’s kids to start making everyone their jungle gym.
It’s almost funny how out of place and confused Thorn looks, because he probably has no idea why half of the animals in here are even here to begin with, but he allows them to scamper and climb up him, helping Brightbill when he joins in their little game of tag. Even Fink plays along, growling and playfully biting, dodging little possum teeth and Brightbill’s working wing (and they’re both smiling at you as you beg them to be careful and they reassure you they will).
Paddler slaps Fink with his tail when he gets a little too rough anyway, and Pinktail and Thunderbolt are reassuring you. Well, Pinktail is reassuring you and telling all of them to settle down a bit but Thunderbolt is too busy shouting pointers at Brightbill and looking like he really, really wants to join in.
(Thorn still seems a little confused, but getting into the game as well.)
It’s nice.
It’s peaceful.
And you were not made to care for a gosling. The longer you are on this island, the surer you are that you were never made to care at all.
But you do, with every certainty your processors can have, you do.
“Mom?” Brightbill calls, and you turn to him, before realizing everyone else is staring at you too. “Are you alright?”
(And you weren’t made to make stuff up and you weren't made to form connections and you weren't made for all this, but the animal you’ve become is safe in a cave filled with animals who cared for you, animals you would do anything to protect.)
You feel Fink’s head nestle on your leg, the metallic one, because he knows you have a hard time feeling sensations on the wooden one- and you see your lights begin to glow a soft pink.
“Yes,” you answer truthfully, because the peace that has settled over you might be fleeting, but you cherish it all the same. “I’m so happy right now.”
(And you will have to leave soon, if you want everyone here to stay safe. But you will always, always find your way back, because if you could define love, you could do anything.)
Then everyone smiles back in their own way, and you are home.