Work Text:
As the members piled backstage after finishing the concert, there was a buzz in the air while they chatted about the concert and generally came down from the adrenaline rush that claimed all of them while they were on stage. Jin was used to this part and he found that he thrived in this situation but this time he instinctively knew that something was different to his normal post concert mood. Jin knew he had too much energy. It was something that happened to him during and after concerts - mostly during, thankfully - and none of the other members had ever really picked up on it, even Namjoon who knew him the best, given they had been dating for a number of months now.
As the other members began to crash, Jin found he was still moving and he couldn’t bring himself to stop. He tried, he really did try, but it was making him anxious trying to sit or stand still. He just couldn’t.
At that particular moment, he knew he was having a conversation with one of the staff members, but he honestly had no idea what either of them were saying. His brain was moving too quickly to focus on what he was doing or saying.
He really hoped that the others, if they noticed anything unusual, would put it down to a post-concert high even if it wasn’t exactly the same as the others that he generally experienced.
Wait. Someone was touching his back? When did that happen? His brain processed the change in sensation on his lower back and it came to a screeching halt. Damn, he hated when his brain crashed like that. It literally felt like someone slammed on the car brakes and came to a screeching halt in order to avoid hitting something.
Oh. It was Namjoon and he was looking at Jin with concern on his face.
Shit. Did he do something? Jin tried to wrack his brain to figure out what Namjoon could have come over to him about, but he really couldn’t come up with anything. Hopefully it was nothing. Maybe just a post concert check in? He was the type of person to do that, both as the leader of the group and in general.
“Thank you, Bo-kyung-ssi, I will make sure Jin is okay,” Namjoon was saying before turning to Jin. “Come on, let’s get you into your casual clothes,” Namjoon told him, taking Jin’s elbow and leading him away to a corner of the room away from the others.
It was quieter there, less distractions and honestly Jin appreciated it. He was still thrumming with energy, but he could focus easier when there were less distractions. “Come on, let's get you out of these,” Namjoon told him, moving to take off Jin’s top, causing the elder to blink at him in confusion. He had no idea what Namjoon was doing, but he was gentle and soothing and he liked that. His brain found it calming. “Come on hyung,” Namjoon chuckled. “I need you to hold your arms still for me for a moment so I can get you out of this top. I’m sure you want to be in dry, clean clothes,” Namjoon spoke softly to him.
Oh. Jin blinked then looked down at the floor in shame, his face flushing red as he realised he had still been stimming without realising.
Was Namjoon going to judge him? He didn’t want that. He loved Namjoon too much and he was terrified. He could feel his thoughts starting to spiral and tears forming in the corner of his eyes as his anxiety and fear of rejection started to get the better of him. He’d kept his diagnoses a secret for a reason. He knew the stigma surrounding mental health and even though the band was generally quite open and accepting of everyone, he still had a lifetime of society telling him that he was wrong and broken for being the way that he was since long before joining Big Hit.
He knew he was starting to panic; his brain was immediately coming up with worst case scenarios, like he was prone to do. His therapist called it Rejection Sensitivity Dysphoria which was his brain essentially making mountains out of molehills. He knew he was being overly dramatic and worried about nothing, but he couldn’t help it.
“Jinnie, breathe,” Namjoon was telling him, holding his face in his hands, stroking his cheek softly. “Focus on my voice, on the feeling of my hands, can you do that for me?”
Jin nodded after a moment, trying to focus his hardest on what Namjoon was telling him to. It took him a bit, but eventually he felt his breathing starting to calm down. Gulping, he looked back up at Namjoon, not quite meeting his eyes, scared of what he would see there.
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked softly. “Whatever has you upset and scared, you don’t need to worry. I’m here for you no matter what,” Namjoon told him softly, trying to reassure him.
Jin knew that but he wasn’t sure if he believed it. At least, the non-logical part of his brain didn’t believe it, and that was the problem.
“Do you need a hug?” Namjoon asked softly, when he didn’t respond.
Jin paused for a moment, trying to figure out if he could stand a hug or if it was going to be too much given how overwhelmed and overstimulated he was at that moment. Eventually he nodded and Namjoon took him in his arms, embracing him tightly. Jin just sighed and let his head drop onto Joon’s shoulder, basking in the comfort of his boyfriend. He was still worried about how Namjoon would react, but he was at least calming down from the verge of a panic attack.
“May I ask you something? You know you can trust me with anything and I won’t judge you. If I’m right, I know you’re scared and I understand why you haven’t said anything, but I love you. I will keep showing you and telling you this until you understand and accept it,” Namjoon murmured against his hair in between soft kisses.
“I know, I just….” Jin trailed off, not sure what he was actually trying to say.
“I know. It’s okay, I want you to trust me on that,” Namjoon said, trying to be as reassuring as possible. Jin appreciated it. “You were stimming, weren’t you? When you were talking to the manager you were moving, you couldn’t stop and you were wringing your hands, waving them too. I thought you were excited at first but I realised this isn’t the first time I’ve seen you like this. You’ve been trying to hide it though, haven’t you?”
Jin tensed in Joon’s embrace and he knew that gave his boyfriend the answer that he was after.
“Hey, I said it was alright. I’m not leaving you, that’s what you were worried about wasn’t it?”
Sometimes Jin hated that Namjoon knew him so well. “Kind of,” he admitted. “More, you would find it really annoying. I didn’t want to annoy you enough that you would leave me.”
“Oh hyung,” Namjoon sighed. “I’d never do that. I’m here for you whatever you are going through, whatever we are going through and I know you are for me. I need you to trust me okay. I love you so much. I’m not going to leave you. It makes you who you are and that is the person I love. All of you, even the parts that are stimming, because that is who you are as a person, my boyfriend.”
Jin let out a sob then. He couldn’t help it. It was all too much, the overstimulation and then Namjoon finding out and the fear that he would leave him but then him being so understanding. All of his emotions bubbled to the surface and he couldn’t help but break into tears.
Namjoon just tightened his embrace of Jin and held him close, stroking his hair and murmuring words that Jin didn’t quite catch over his sobs. Eventually, he found his sobs easing, his breath coming in hiccups as he started to get control on himself again. He knew he was blushing but he didn’t care.
“ADHD,” he said in a rush. “I have ADHD, which is why I…” he trailed off with a choke, not quite ready to say that was why he was acting the way he was.
“I thought so. My cousin has it,” Joon admitted. “You have your medication? You are on medication? I just assumed that you are.”
Jin looked at Joon then and blinked, not realising that he would have known what he was talking about or been so understanding. He was acting like they were talking about the weather and that confused him. He’d spent so long hiding that part of his personality that it was strange to have it accepted. He’d learned the hard way that not everyone was so understanding.
He really should have known better, though. This was Namjoon, the whole Speak Yourself, Love Yourself theme was something he really believed and encouraged everyone to follow.
Finally, Jin felt himself start to relax. Somewhat. He was still tense and on a knife's edge of becoming overwhelmed and needing to stim again, but for now he was calm enough not to.
“Yeah, I’m on medication. It’s just…. the concert… It’s…”
“It’s a lot, I know, and it’s okay. I promise,” Joon reassured him, leaning in to place a kiss on his forehead. “It’s a lot even for us without ADHD. Tomorrow, we can sit down and have a proper talk about how I - mainly as your boyfriend, first and foremost - can support you and make these easier for you? I want you to promise me though, if you need to stim or you get overwhelmed or anything that you do what you need to do even if it is retreating into a quieter place. I want what is best for you and I know the other members will agree with me on this.”
Jin nodded at that, unable to speak, afraid he would start crying again. He had never hoped nor dreamed of this situation, instead focused on the worse outcomes that he would experience.
“Come on, let’s finish getting you changed and we can go back to the hotel and have a good sleep. We need it. The others have already headed back, so we’ll have the car to ourselves,” Joon told him, holding out the clean shirt that he had brought over with them.
Jin blinked and looked around. He hadn’t even realised that the others had left with what appeared to be most of the staff as well. He really had been out of it. Glancing at the floor, blushing again, he took the shirt from Namjoon and chucked it on before doing the same with the pants that his boyfriend offered him.
Less than half an hour later, the two of them were in bed in their hotel room, having showered and changed into their pyjamas. Curling up in Namjoon’s arms, Jin sighed softly. “Thank you, Joonie,” he murmured. “I love you so much and I don’t deserve you. You’re amazing and I promise you that I’ll be more open with you from now on.”
“Thank you baby, and you do deserve me, you’re amazing in your own right, okay. I’m here for you no matter what. I love you so much,” Joon replied, giving him another kiss. “Now sleep, we’ve both had a long day and we need it.”
As he fell asleep, Jin couldn’t help but think how grateful he was to have met and fallen in love with one of the most open and understanding men he had ever had the pleasure of meeting. He had no idea what he would have done otherwise.