Work Text:
Cale sat atop the window sill, a little too near the edge, with a book in his hand. His gaze was fixated on the flickering pages, but his focus wandered off everywhere else. A soft breeze brushed past his pale skin, but he paid it to no heed.
His forlorn past echoed and emerged as images playing infront of his eyes, and he watched each one of them emptily, his emotions long exhausted. Disdainful regrets or hopeless sorrows—none of it was even left now.
All Cale could do was blankly flip the pages, waiting for a light that may never appear.
And with each night, that tumultuous burden on his shoulders only became heavier, much evident in the increasing eye bags and paleness of his skin. Like a plague, it was devouring Cale whole, and he could do nothing, paralyzed by that imminent fear, and an undying guilt.
It was never his fault, he knew. Whether it be the abuse, the shelter's fall or his hyungs' death, none of it was his fault.
But he remembered. And that rememberance, that insignificant memory that came into his vision, that memory he thought was well locked away, that was the only thing required to ignite the guilt he had left behind, the guilt that chewed deep at his bones and left him hollow.
Mistakes made a person human, but to Cale, mistakes only made him a monster.
And his family noticed. How could they not, when the one that brought them light in their lives was himself shrouded in darkness. His tired sighs, hunched shoulders, the dark circles which only ever increased, and his forced and crooked smiles. It was all too obvious that something was wrong.
It was Raon who first took the matter in his hands, supported by his siblings On and Hong, since the three knew best about Cale's usual manners and behavior.
First, they went to Ron.
"Grandpa Ron! Human is sick!"
But when Ron checked Cale's temperature or looked for any signs of sickness, he found nothing.
What was surprising was that Cale didn't flinch away or question the butler's strange behavior, rather, he only stared into space, as if he wasn't even aware of what was happening around him.
Cale had felt this at times, when his team members left to meet with their families, leaving him alone in his office, or when he took over Team Leader's position, and time just seemed to halt. It was frustrating to see others rush past you when you had no clue of your present. And it was frustrating because Kim Rok Soo always remembered.
"Human, how do I look!?"
Raon danced around in a flower-shaped sweater which Cale had bought for him, eagerly waiting for a compliment or a gentle smile.
"Cale nya! Try these!"
"We made them ourselves, nya!"
On and Hong jumped around excitedly, both carrying a plate of weirdly shaped cookies, and in the middle were two cookies resembling a cat, one a dragon, and one a person with really long hair. Both smiled and squirmed a little, nervous for the kind of response they would receive.
But even then, there was trust in their eyes, a never-ending trust that the redhead would never make them sad, or hurt them in any way.
"Cale-nim!"
"Dongsaeng."
"Sigh, unlucky bastard…"
"Young Master."
"Son."
"Hyung-nim."
"Orabuni!"
Cale felt strangely suffocated, and his chest sprung up in a shallow pain, one that was just enough to keep him uncomfortable.
He felt undeserving of those eyes, eyes that were filled with so much love and adoration, eyes that seemed to swallow him whole in an unfaltering happiness.
But Cale never found it right. They were his family, all of them. But-
'I'm a coward.'
He could never look at those eyes, in a fear he never understood, and in a painful curiosity of 'why'. He was trash, and he knew that most well, so why didn't the others? Why was it not obvious to them that he only did everything selfishly? How could they not see just how pathetic and dirty he was?
How could a person like him even deserve love?
But avoidance was easy. To forget that you are in pain, you learn to forget yourself as well. So he merely avoided it, that warm feeling in his chest, sometimes accompanied by a strange pain, he avoided it all.
But it never became easy–if anything, his breath only suffocated more and more, and whenever in blissful ignorance he dared to take a step forward, his memories always pushed him back with their cruel reminders.
And how exhausting it was for him, to never be able to feel love the same way he felt that despair.
Cale's gaze lingered on the small garden, where currently Raon, On and Hong were playing.
"Farming?"
Kim Rok soo looked at him with the most deadpan face he could make.
"Hey, what's with that rude look? Why can't I farm?"
Lee Soo Hyuk pouted in a childish manner at his junior's rudeness, but Rok Soo just ignored him.
"That's right! We'll all farm together, right, Rok soo?"
Choi Jung Soo laughed and swirled his arms around Rok Soo's neck, and the latter could only be annoyed, nonetheless nodding his head.
And Choi Jung Soo's face only brightened in response. He started rambling about the vegetables they would grow and some flowers they would plant alongside it, and Lee Soo Hyuk chuckled softly and joined him, giving ideas of his own.
Rok Soo looked at them, his gaze subconsciously recording everything.
'It's not a bad idea I guess…'
"Young master?"
Cale's eyes snapped towards the concerned butler, standing still with a tea cup in his hand.
"Is something bothering you, young master?"
Cale slightly shook his head, taking the tea from him.
"It's nothing."
Cale's gaze returned back to the garden.
The kids had now dragged Choi Han into their play, and he looked quite funny running after them, his face a mix of troubled yet happy.
'Hm?'
Cale looked down at the tea.
'It tastes sweet? Am I imagining it?'
He then looked at Ron, who stood still with that benign smile, as if expecting Cale to say something.
Getting scared rather than being happy, Cale just continued sipping the rare sweetness quietly, all the while ignoring that dagger-like gaze of his butler.
Cale and Alberu stared at each other, both blinking slowly like idiots for five whole minutes, the only difference between their expressions being Alberu's radiant smile.
Finally, Cale broke the silence.
"What is that, Your Highness?"
Cale pointed towards the shining object kept on the table.
Alberu's smile widened further, and Cale wondered if it was even humanly possible to smile that wide without fracturing your jaws.
"That, my dearest dongsaeng, is a golden plaque."
Cale's face went blank in a way that said 'yeah, no shit'.
Silence followed the next two minutes.
Cale, finally sighing, said,
"I don't want it."
"Yeah, I knew you would like it- huh?
The future Emperor blinked his eyes in a daze.
"You don't what? "
"I don't want the golden plaque, Your Highness."
Alberu's jaw dropped to the floor, and he struggled to form any words.
Again, silence followed.
Alberu then started laughing to himself, mumbling about how his hearing must have been impaired.
'Has he finally lost it?' Cale thought internally.
Finally regaining his sanity, the Crown Prince asked, somewhat still doubting his ears,
"How, no, why do you not want a golden plaque?" Alberu made sure to emphasize the last two words.
"I just don't."
'He's probably going to put me to some annoying task again in exchange for the golden plaque…'
Cale eyed the dazzling treasure intensely.
'...and although it is tempting, I'll not fall to the bait this time. Besides, I also have a spare golden plaque.'
Alberu sat shocked for a while before sighing. His thoughts slowly turned sober, and his gaze followed the way Cale disinterestedly looked past the golden plaque, his hazy eyes and pale skin clearly showing his exhaustion. For Cale to refuse money–that was simply not possible.
And Alberu only realized the severity of the situation now. They really couldn't leave the redhead alone like this, suffering in silence.
Meanwhile, the redhead blankly stared into space, thinking of the delicacies Beacrox must be baking, as his stomach silently growled in hunger.
"Human! Let's go out on a picnic!"
Cale looked down to the sparkling eyes of the young dragon alongside the kittens.
"A picnic? Why so suddenly?"
Choi Han and Alberu flinched together, Mary almost dropped her tea cup, Eruhaben fumbled upon the magic spell he was teaching to Rosalyn and Ron's smile froze awkwardly.
But Cale didn't notice any of that.
Raon struggled to make out an excuse when On smartly intervened.
"We read it in a book! Isn't it a good idea, nya?" She smiled innocently, her eyes sparkling too.
Cale thought over it for a moment before nodding.
'Well, children should be free to have fun and do whatever they like.'
"It is a good idea. Where do you all want to go?"
Raon, On and Hong looked at each other, giggling and nodding amongst themselves.
Meanwhile, the adults gave a thumbs up to each other while the redhead remained blissfully unaware.
It was a warm morning, the weather being amiable and sending a soft touch of chill yet comfortable breeze to each face.
Cale breathed in the fresh air while the kids helped Ron in setting up the picnic blanket.
Accompanying them were Choi Han, Alberu who had sneaked out of his office, Eruhaben, Rosalyn, Mary and Beacrox.
The place decided was a small area behind the Super Rock villa, where once weeds grew and monsters resided, but replacing it now was a place of fragrant flowers accompanied by the occasional humming of morning birds. The best part was the small pond Eruhaben had created out of who knows where.
'Magic really is the best.'
Cale admired the view for a while.
After sometime, when everyone had settled down, Raon announced excitedly,
"Now, Goldie Gramps will share a really nice story!"
And it was very evident in the way Eruhaben coughed up his tea that this was not planned at all. In a way, they weren't the best improvisers, but oh well, Cale didn't really care either.
Everyone, including the redhead, looked at the ancient dragon with sparkling eyes. Even the father-son duo appeared to be mildly intrigued.
Eruhaben looked at Raon, who was smiling and giggling around his siblings, and he could only sigh and shake his head in a surrender. Cale looked at Eruhaben with an understanding gaze.
Eruhaben sighed again and replied,
"There are many stories I know, little kid. Which one do you want to hear?"
And then, On, Raon and Hong shouted one after the other.
"Something of your past!"
"Where you met some bad guys!"
"And knocked some sense into them!"
Eruhaben looked questionably at Cale to which the redhead profusely shook his head, but he knew that the kids had learnt it from Cale only.
" Sigh , never in my thousand years of life…"
After mumbling to himself, Eruhaben began his story.
It was rather simple. The ancient dragon was wandering on his way when he saw two other dragons looting his dragon lair. They seemed to be rookies, as visible in their nervous squirming and shaking eyes, but Eruhaben was already feeling annoyed, so might as well consider it as a vent.
Everyone looked at the ancient dragon with increased amazement and admiration, especially Mary, who had only heard about such heroic tales in books. Even Alberu seemed to be taking down notes of how powerful and deadly seemingly ineffective attacks of the ancient dragon were.
Everyone except a certain scared man, however.
Eruhaben stopped his gruesome description of how he beat up the two dragons when he noticed Cale's weird gaze.
'Did you not like the story?' Eruhaben asked him telepathically.
Cale flinched and then acted as if he had heard nothing, completely ignoring Eruhaben.
"Smart Rosalyn, it's your turn now!" Raon happily announced again.
Rosalyn nodded and smiled at Raon's cuteness. She also seemed to be especially excited to share her story for some reason.
"When I was back at Breck Kingdom, this son of a Baron came to me and asked my hand for marriage. After I refused him, however, he rudely grabbed my arms and started threatening and insulting me."
The area suddenly grew colder, but then confused as Rosalyn's smile curved up wickedly.
"That was coincidentally a time I was experimenting with a new type of fire magic. And I ended up trying it on him."
Now, the scene was reversed.
Alberu and Cale together shifted away from Rosalyn, their smiles crooked, while Choi Han admired her skills and smiled proudly.
'Vicious, all of them are so vicious…'
Cale curled up closer to himself. He didn't dare to ask what happened to the man after Rosalyn was done 'experimenting'.
Rosalyn smiled at Cale, and he flinched in return but just in time gave a smile of his own. He was more scared than he was impressed.
The stories continued for a while.
Mary recalled her first time on a land full of grass, Raon disclosed the time he had secretly tried to bake cookies for his human but ended up burning them, On and Hong shared their first snow experience, Alberu recalled the time he had thoroughly exposed and made fun of a noble who supported the first Prince, Choi Han recalled the time he had accidentally cut the cupboard in half in his sleep, Beacrox reluctantly shared the first time he had baked a cake and Ron recalled his first time teaching the two kittens.
All in all, each of them focused on a rather embarrassing, funny or happy memory, and they couldn't help themselves but sneakily look at Cale, only sighing in relief when they saw him happy and smiling.
Cale laughed along with his kids, and indulged in that selfish joy that he so wished to stay in forever.
He felt a surreal warmth, a sort of comfort that lulls you to a deep slumber, unafraid of any danger or stress for the like.
Perhaps he had experienced it before, perhaps when-
"Hey, Rok Soo!"
"I was born two months before you, so I'm your hyung!"
"Haa, see how much you are burning up. Such an idiot dongsaeng of mine…"
"Haha, Rok Soo, I brought you some kimchi! Let's eat it together!"
"Hey, where are you blanking at- "
"Human! It's your turn!"
"Hm?"
Cale looked around to see all eyes fixated at him, eagerly waiting for him to share his own story. After all, he never talked about himself, and only vaguely answered forever about his past.
The problem was that his thoughts had gone blank, and the records which played weren't exactly…shareable.
Alberu, somewhat noticing the discomfort, asked,
"Dongsaeng, what were the cuisines in your world?"
Raon, unintentionally helped by asking,
"That's right, human! What kind of sweets did you have there? Were there cookies too?!"
And Cale immediately brightened up at the question. Because, well, food was his best topic to talk about.
And immediately, he started ranting about any and all amazing dishes he loved and missed eating, and his family just sat there shocked. Never even in their dreams did they see Cale so excitedly talking about something.
Alberu laughed and thought to himself,
'He really is so simple to understand…'
And only when Cale stopped his ramble did he realize how fixedly his family was listening to him and how Beacrox was sneakily taking down notes of whatever recipes Cale had accidentally disclosed.
A faint red crept up Cale's face.
Fortunately for him, the others went into a lively discussion of the dishes the redhead had just talked about, some giving ideas of their own and some just enjoying the moment, excited for the new delicacies they would discover.
By now, almost everyone had started to do their own fun thing. The kids for one were running around and playing with Alberu and Mary, Eruhaben was teaching the happy Rosalyn about the magic pond, Beacrox was preparing lunch with Ron while Choi Han and Cale were chatting together.
Cale glanced around his surroundings, his vision fluctuating, which was the usual threat that his records were about to leak, yet again.
"Hey, Rok Soo."
"Cale-nim."
"Hm?"
Choi Han looked at the redhead with a nervous smile.
"Are you fine?"
"Are you happy?"
Cale looked at the swordsman with a blank gaze.
"Why wouldn't I be?"
Cale then pointed his gaze towards the children jumping around happily.
Choi Han nodded and smiled in understanding.
Suddenly, Cale's records changed to an entirely different scene. This time, however, he didn't hate it. Because the scene was-
"In Korea, when I was new at the company…"
Choi Han's eyes widened in surprise at the sudden mention.
"...l spent most of my time with Choi Jung Soo. But on some days, Team Leader snuck out of his office and treated us with an ice cream or some heavy meal."
" Hey, I'm getting the mango one!"
"Then I'll have the chocolate one. What about you, Rok Soo?"
"... I'll have the chocolate one too."
Cale's lips curved up into a wry smile, the faint sweet taste of the chocolate ice cream as if still lingered in his mouth.
"Sometimes, we spent a whole day just roaming around abandoned buildings and streets. It was fun."
Kim Rok Soo very well remembered those days; those rusty, battered walls they walked around, those cracked filled streets where sun rays directly seeped through, giving rise to various weeds and grasses, and those tired but relieving smiles of his hyungs. He could never dare forget those.
Cale's eyes turned hazy and his smile drooped slowly to its side, as if the previous happy memories had never existed.
And in a small whisper, he mumbled to himself,
"They were the closest I ever had to a family."
He continued walking, not noticing that Choi Han had stopped in his tracks, unfortunately, or fortunately hearing what he had whispered to himself.
"Human!"
"Cale nya, play from our side!"
Raon, On and Hong were now dripping wet from head to toe as they played in the pond, throwing splashes of water to everyone. Even Alberu and Rosalyn had joined them.
"Human! Hurry up!"
"Hey, Rok Soo! We are waiting for you!"
Cale's eyes stung and his throat felt dry. His chest ached for a reason he didn't understand. He was left paralyzed in his position, his limbs not listening to his mind, and Cale felt a rush of overwhelming emotions, making him lose sense of his own reality.
"Cale-nim?"
"Huh?"
The redhead snapped out of his daze when Choi Han roughly shook his shoulders.
"Are you okay?"
Cale numbly nodded in response and walked towards the kids.
With the help of his ancient powers, Cale made out a tiny and cute dragon with water, and then two kittens, and he couldn't feel any more relieved than he did after seeing his kids so giddy and happy in response.
After all, they shouldn't be sad, especially not because of a person like him.
After having lunch, Cale sat by a nearby tree. Raon, On and Hong were closely snuggled near his sides, now in a deep slumber after the fun they had had.
Cale himself felt sleepy, but he kept his heavy eyelids open, afraid of that same nightmare again. He didn't want to worry anyone, especially not after the fun day they had.
His vision fluctuated again and Cale sighed.
"Hey, Kim Rok Soo."
That gentle tone, that fierce but sweet voice, and one which was always worried for a certain idiot's health… Cale found it sickening to hear.
"Choi Jung Soo and I are happy."
It was unfair. Maybe even cruel. But why did Cale feel such a relief when he heard those words? What was that heavy burden that suddenly lifted off of his chest?
Cale felt conflicted. He felt betrayed, but also relieved. He was abandoned, yet again, but he felt- what did he feel again? Relief? Joy? Or perhaps anger?
The records flickered and Cale blankly stared into the sky, where instead of sunlight were now grey and dusty clouds.
He smiled, forcefully, and slowly mumbled,
"I am happy too, hyung."
Cale said that even as something dripped down his face.
"I am happy too."
And Cale finally realized it: he had never forgotten, never moved forward from those forlorn points. And perhaps, he had never forgiven himself either.
When he woke up, there was no lingering smell of the tteokbokki Team Leader made, or the mango ice cream Jung Soo bought.
There was no one rambling about the vegetables they would plant and grow.
There was no one scolding him for his stupid self-sacrificial decisions.
There was no warm sunshine accompanied by smiles and giggles.
There was no one calling him Rok Soo.