Archive of Our Own ^beta

Buck knew he should have made Eddie get checked out sooner.

For the past few weeks Eddie has been fighting what everyone thought was allergies. Everyone except for Buck. The rest of them hadn’t seen how tired he’d been getting. How he would fall asleep at the most random times. How he would look winded after the smallest of tasks. Buck had seen Eddie pumping himself full of caffeine to make sure he was alert while on shift, but he had also seen the way Eddie faltered when they were anywhere but the station. Going grocery shopping yesterday had nearly wiped him out by the time they made it back to the Jeep. And today, well, there’s really no other way of putting it. Eddie looks rough.

They’ve just returned from a call and Eddie is dragging his feet, his whole body really, through the station. Buck stays behind him and just barely catches him as he makes for the stairs to go towards the loft. “And where do you think you’re going?”

Eddie mumbles out, “Coffee.”

There’s no way Buck is letting Eddie go overboard on coffee for the fourth day this week. “Nope. You do not need coffee. What you need is sleep. You look dead on your feet, man.”

“Nah, ‘m fine.” Buck can tell even Eddie doesn’t believe what he’s saying, or trying to say. He’s starting to slur his words a bit.

“Ok, sure. Whatever you say. But how about you go be fine from the bunkroom?” Eddie gives Buck a look that says he wants to argue but is too tired and then huffs and stalks off to the bunks. Buck hurries up the stairs to get Eddie some water. In the loft, Bobby questions if everything is alright and Buck assures him that Eddie probably just hasn’t been sleeping great lately. And he knows Eddie must be exhausted, but Buck is still a little shocked that Eddie’s only just inside the doorway by the time he’s made it back downstairs. He stays close to Eddie as they shuffle into the empty room in case he needs to catch him. It’s just past two, only eight hours into their twenty-four, so no one else will be using the room for at least a few more hours. Eddie lays down on his bunk and lets out a small groan. If he wasn’t so concerned, Buck might tease him about the old man noises Eddie seems to be making more lately. As it stands, he watches as Eddie runs his hand over his face and doubles back to rub his fingers at his temples. “Hey, does your head hurt?”

Eddie makes a grunting noise that Buck assumes is his attempt to confirm. Buck sets the water on the ground beside the bed and comes back less than a minute later with a couple of Tylenol. “I brought you some painkillers. Eddie?” He doesn’t open his eyes or turn to Buck, just makes another noise. So, Buck kneels and carefully slips one of his hands behind Eddie’s head, lifting it so Eddie can drink from the glass. He still hasn’t opened his eyes and Buck is struck with how much Eddie trusts him to help. He shakes himself slightly, reminding himself that now is not the time to go off on a train of thought of how much he loves his best friend in not-strictly-platonic ways. Eddie takes one last sip of the water and moves his head just enough in Buck’s hand to let him know he’s done. He lowers Eddie’s head back down as gently as possible, making sure not to jostle Eddie in the process. Buck stands to leave, but Eddie grabs his wrist before he can move away, somehow managing to find Buck’s hand even with his eyes closed.

“Th’nks.”

“No problem. You get some rest before our next call. I’ll wake you up by lunch, ok?”

“Mmhmm.”

Buck leaves the bunkroom, turning off the light, and shutting the door that usually stays open. No reason for Eddie to be disturbed by the rest of the house right now. He heads back to the loft and prepares for the inevitable questions that the rest of the team will have for him. Sure enough, he’s barely seated in one of the armchairs before Hen, Chim, and Ravi are flanking him and beginning the interrogation.

“Is Eddie ok? He hasn’t looked so good today.” Buck knows that Hen is genuinely concerned, they all are. So, Buck fields all of their questions, even though he isn’t sure he believes some of his own answers and reassurances.

“He just needs to sleep.” And “No, nothing’s going on with Chris.” And “He’ll be fine, probably just allergies acting up.” Buck would bet good money that it isn’t anything close to allergies. A cold, maybe, but not something seasonal that’s going away with over-the-counter medicines. It’s been weeks of this, and Buck is getting more worried every time he sees Eddie falter. He’s had this prickling uneasy feeling for the last couple of days, and it's only gotten stronger since he left Eddie in the bunkroom. Buck tells himself it’s perfectly normal to worry about your best friend in this way. Never mind that it’s fueled by something much deeper for him. He doesn’t need to wreck everything they have now on a chance that Eddie might feel the same. So, Buck is perfectly fine being the golden retriever willing to do anything to make sure that his best friend has happiness, even if it means sacrificing parts of his own.

Buck privately thinks that the Fire and EMS gods must have a soft spot for Eddie because the alarm only goes off twice and both are simple medical calls that only require one of the ambulances on scene, meaning Buck doesn’t have to wake Eddie until about five hours later. Bobby is finishing up lunch and Buck wanders down to the bunks to rouse his partner. Buck approaches the bed he helped Eddie into earlier and that prickling sensation starts to creep back in as he sees that Eddie hasn’t moved, not an inch. Eddie is usually a restless sleeper, hardly ever waking up in the same position he went to sleep in. Buck brushes it off as he bends over to gently shake Eddie awake. “Hey, Eddie, time to get up. Bobby made chili and we don’t want it to get cold.” But Eddie doesn’t respond. Buck is aware that Eddie is also a light sleeper, so it usually doesn’t take much to have him alert. Come to think of it though, he hadn’t come out when the alarm went off either time. Ok, Buck is not going to panic. It’s probably just exhaustion. Buck decides he just needs to be a bit more physical with this next attempt.

“Hey,” Buck sits on the edge of the bed and starts to jostle Eddie’s shoulders a bit more forcefully, “Eds, time to get up.” Still no response. That’s when Buck notices how shallow Eddie’s breathing is and the uneasy feeling he’s had lately skyrockets. He puts a palm against Eddie’s face, expecting to find the skin hot and feverish, but finds only shocking cold to greet him. Cold and dampness. Eddie is in a cold sweat and won’t wake up. Buck checks his pulse, a little too fast for his liking. He rubs his knuckles along Eddie’s sternum a few times. “Eddie, please wake up. Hey, man. Come on. You need to wake up now.” Nothing. Eddie remains still, breathing shallowly as ever. Buck doesn’t know what else to do. Maybe that’s what has him screaming out for Bobby before he even registers his own voice making the sounds. Buck doesn’t know how many seconds or minutes pass between his yelling for help and Bobby, Hen, and Chim rushing in, only that Eddie’s heart beats 134 times in that period.

“Buck,” he can’t take his eyes off Eddie, but Buck knows the voice of his captain, “what’s wrong? What happened?”

“Bobby, I-I d-don’t know. He won’t wake up. I’ve tried everything. He’s cold and clammy but his pulse is fast. He won’t wake up.” Buck is vaguely aware he’s repeating himself, but he can’t stop. It’s hard to think of anything outside of Eddie and his current state. Three new sets of hands are suddenly joining his own. Buck thinks they know better than to ask him to move back.

“His pulse is 138,” Hen says at the same time Chim reports that, “BP is 62 over 59.”

“We need to get him to a hospital. Now. Chim, go grab a board so we can carry him out. Hen, go start the ambulance.” Thank god for Bobby, always knowing how to run a situation no matter how unclear, Buck thinks briefly. Hen and Chim run to take care of their assigned duties and Bobby turns his attention to Buck. “Hey,” Buck feels a hand land on his shoulder, but he can’t tear his gaze from Eddie, “he’s gonna be ok. We just need to get him checked out and he’ll be feeling better in no time.”

Buck feels his own head moving up and down a couple of times. He doesn’t know how everyone around him seems to be functioning like this is just another scene. Not when this is his worst nightmare. When this is Eddie lying unconscious in front of him and there’s nothing he can do about it. Chim comes back with the gurney to carry Eddie, and Buck stands to the side, watches as Bobby helps Chim load his best friend and wheel him away for transport. Buck shakes himself from his stupor when they turn a corner, and he can no longer see Eddie. He catches up just as they load Eddie into the waiting ambulance and doesn’t think twice before climbing in and settling himself at Eddie’s head, out of the way of Chimney and Hen, who’s swapped places with Bobby. That’s when he sees it. When he looks at Hen and Chim, really looks at them, for the first time in all this chaos he sees how truly scared they are, how their faces are scrunched, and their professional demeanors seem to be cracking with every second they work on Eddie. Buck doesn’t feel so alone with this anymore. He looks back down at Eddie and can’t resist the urge to brush the sweat-soaked, matted hair from his forehead. It’s only as he pulls his hand back that he realizes they’re shaking. He’s shaking. Buck breathes in deep and forces an exhale. Panicking right now won’t do anyone any good. It won’t help Eddie and it won’t help convince Bobby to let him stay until they know what’s going on. Buck takes a few more deep breaths like that and is somehow able to mimic the professional calm he would have on a call.

Bobby has been communicating with Cedars-Sinai the entire ride over. So, he isn’t shocked that there’s a team greeting them and taking over as soon as the ambulance doors fly open and the gurney hits the ground. He’s very familiar with the procedure for these kinds of situations. He shouldn’t feel the panic start to rise in him like acid reflux after a large meal. But he does. Of course he does. Because Buck can’t do anything but stand there and watch as the nurses roll Eddie away from him, rushing him to the back. Carrying Eddie to a place where he can’t follow right now.

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“… body was in shock when we got to him. We aren’t sure what caused all the symptoms or the state of unconsciousness yet, but he should be fine. We’d like to keep him for a few days just to make sure he’s in the clear and won’t experience any other spells like the one he had today, but if everything goes well, he should be able to go home within the week.”

The doctor is still talking, but Buck isn’t listening. He can’t focus on anything other than the fact that Eddie is alive, despite not being well. Buck knows he should be paying attention to the rest of what’s being said. He just can’t turn down the loudspeaker in his head reciting Eddie. Eddie. Need to get to Eddie. Have to make sure he’s ok. Bobby and Hen seem to be listening intently. They can explain anything he missed later. He’s just starting to check the time to find out how long he has to pull it together before talking to Chris, when Chim nudges him with his elbow, and Buck realizes the doctor must have addressed him directly.

“Are you Mr. Evan Buckley?” The doctor, Roberts, is looking at him expectantly.

“Oh, yes. Yeah, Buck is fine.”

“Well, Buck, you’re Mr. Diaz’s primary emergency contact. He’s resting right now, but I can take you to him. He should be fully awake in the next few hours.”

The words are barely out of Roberts’ mouth before Buck is practically yelling, “Yes! Where is he?” The doctor’s face turns sympathetic as he gestures for Buck to follow him through the double doors, into one of the many units reserved for normal cases. That’s good, Buck thinks. If Eddie was really bad off they’d have him in the ICU, right? The doctor leads them to the doorway of a room and Buck stops short, the worst sense of déjà vu washing over him. The last time Buck was in this situation, Eddie had been shot down in broad daylight. This doesn’t feel entirely different. No bullet tore through tender flesh, and yet, something ripped through Eddie’s internal organs and nearly took him while all Buck could do was watch it happen and yell for help all the same. “He will wake up, right? You said in a few hours?”

“We try not to make promises, as I’m sure you know. However, I’m confident that Mr. Diaz will wake up now that we have him stabilized. You’re welcome to sit with him until he does. Let the nurses know if you need anything.” And with that, Roberts turns and leaves Buck leaning on the framing, solid support that he sorely needs at the moment. Buck forces a rough exhale and steps into the room on shaky legs.

He stands at the foot of the hospital bed for just a moment, taking in the image of Eddie. He looks mostly normal, still a little pale, but most of his color has returned. Buck could almost convince himself that Eddie is just taking a nap, if not for the IV in his arm and the tubes around his face pumping oxygen into his body through his nose. Buck makes his way to the side of Eddie’s bed, pulls one of the uncomfortable chairs as close as he can, knees brushing the framing if he moves, and sits with his back to the door. He can feel the tears starting to come and he really doesn’t need one of the well-meaning nurses interrupting him before he can let it all out. Buck props his elbows on the edge of the bed, drops his head into his hands, and lets the tears flow. It’s not for very long, but it’s enough for Buck to feel like he won’t fall apart when he has to talk to Chris later.

That’s the other thought that’s been dominating his brain. He’s gonna have to tell Chris that his dad is in the hospital again. And Buck has even fewer answers for him this time. Unless the doctor figures it out in, Buck raises his head and wipes his face while reaching for his phone, shit, 4 hours. He has 4 hours to think over how and what to tell Chris. 4 hours until he has to leave Eddie’s side to go take care of his kid. 4 hours until Buck has to bring him bad news and put him to bed. Because despite Buck wanting nothing more than to stay at Eddie’s side through this, he knows that’s not what Eddie would want. He’d said as much when he told Buck about the will. Buck is also aware of the incapacitation clause in Eddie’s will that says Chris stays with him in any case where Eddie is unable to care for Chris for an extended period of time. Eddie had thought of everything, courtesy of his wonderful attorney. So, Buck’s main focus has to be Christopher. Starting in 4 hours, anyway. Right now, Buck can focus on his best friend. He curls his hand around Eddie’s wrist so he can monitor his pulse, as if there isn’t a machine to do that for him. Maybe some part of him believes that the contact will make a difference, that Buck can somehow will Eddie to wake up faster via touch. Or maybe it’s a subconscious effort to soothe the ache in his own chest. Either way, Buck doesn’t intend to let go until he has to.

Buck has just sat back in his seat, dragging Eddie’s hand into his lap in the process, when there’s a knock at the door. Buck looks up to see Bobby at the door, suddenly remembering that there were other people in the waiting room hoping for some good news about Eddie. “Shit, Bobby, I’m sorry. I should have come back out to you guys. I just can’t-”

“You can’t leave him right now. I get it.” Buck has to look away from Bobby, afraid of what Bobby is implying with the words, but he continues. “I just came up to check on you. The doctor said we can all see him, a few at a time.” Bobby walks over to stand beside where Buck sits. Buck’s shoulders tense and his grip on Eddie’s wrist tightens instinctively. Bobby must see it happen. A hand lands on his shoulder. “Don’t worry, we all agreed to come through one at a time so you can stay.” Buck’s relief is tangible, the room filling with his heavy exhale.

“Thank you, Bobby.”

“No need for that. I did want to ask if you wanted any help with Christopher tonight though. If you maybe didn’t want to leave still by his bedtime, I could go talk to him and explain everything.”

“No.” Bobby has barely gotten the words out before Buck spouts the two-letter word. He doesn’t take his eyes off Eddie as he tries to explain himself. Buck knows that his eyes are likely red-rimmed and proof enough that he’s not doing great with all of this. “Eddie would want me to be with Chris.” He can’t make himself tell Bobby about everything else right now, but he doesn’t need to. Bobby hums in understanding and speaks to Eddie for a minute before clapping Buck on the shoulder and announcing that he’ll send the next person in, likely Hen or Chim. Sure enough, Chim comes waltzing in a few moments later, followed by Hen, and then Athena, who must have arrived at some point while Buck was in his fog. Hen takes it a step further than the others, asking Eddie to wake up for the sake of everyone because “Buck will be insufferable until you’re conscious again, Eddie.” Buck laughs a little at that. Hen knows. Buck hasn’t actually told her anything about his feelings, but he can read it in the looks she gives him when he behaves in a way that’s obviously not purely platonic. So, he’s grateful for the bit of humor she can bring to the situation. After Athena leaves, Buck assumes he’ll be left alone with Eddie until it’s time to leave.

“Oh, Buck.” Maddie’s voice catches him off guard. Buck looks up at her, seeing the outline of Eddie’s figure over her own. Buck is reminded of reading about a similar phenomenon, like when you’ve stared in the direction of a light for too long and the spotty imprint follows your line of sight for a while. Her face is full of empathy he can’t possibly handle right now.

“Didn’t you have work today?”

Maddie comes to stand beside him, mirroring Bobby’s earlier position, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Yeah, I got off a little early. Chim called me to tell me about what happened.” Buck nods but doesn’t really know what to say to that. “So, what’s the damage?”

“Um, the doctor said something about him going into shock earlier, but that he should wake up soon. I wasn’t really listening until they told me I could see him. Should probably get those details from Bobby before I talk to Chris. I know he’s gonna have questions.”

“Buck, you know you don’t have to-”

“Yes. I do. It has to be me.” Maddie gives him a quizzical look like she’s trying to puzzle out the reasoning behind the wording. Buck quickly rephrases himself. “It should be me. I should be the one to tell him.” He looks to Eddie again. “I just hope I can tell him that he woke up.”

“Do you want company? Chim can spend some quality time with Jee for a little while.”

“I appreciate the offer, Maddie, but I think I’d rather be alone right now.” The alone with him woven between the words is instantly picked up by his sister. She nods and wraps him in a hug, hunching over onto him so she can wrap both arms around his shoulders and upper back. Buck hugs back with his free hand feeling like if she clings for much longer or squeezes much tighter he might break again. Maddie finally releases him and presses a kiss to Buck’s birthmark, promising that she’ll have her phone turned up if Buck changes his mind or needs anything. Buck thanks her and promises to let her know if that happens, and then Maddie grants his wish, leaving him alone with Eddie.

Buck pulls his phone from his pocket and sets a timer for an hour and a half. That’s all he has to spare if he wants to make it home by Chris’ bedtime. He sits and watches as the seconds and minutes tick by. He texts Bobby for the details about Eddie’s condition that he missed earlier, and thinks about how to phrase everything so that Chris doesn’t immediately revert back to the mentality that he could lose his dad. Before he knows it, another 45 minutes have passed. He’s mentally preparing himself to move from his chair for the first time in hours when a groan and the slight sound of rustling have him suddenly looking up to Eddie’s face.

Eddie’s face that has rolled to the side, toward Buck. “Eddie?” It’s barely a whisper, unsure if he’s imagined the actions. “Eddie? Can you hear me?” He’s louder, more insistent this time. Several moments pass with nothing but the beeping of the machines filling the silence. Buck scarcely breathes. Just as he’s accepted that it was purely wishful thinking, Eddie groans again. Buck flies out of his seat, the hand not wrapped around Eddie’s wrist cups the side of Eddie’s face.

Eddie croaks out a weak, “Buck.” It sounds like heaven.

“Yeah, it’s me. Can you open your eyes?” Eddie’s eyelids flutter and he grunts. Buck knows it’s not an easy feat, but he needs to see Eddie’s eyes, has to know that Eddie is really awake and here. “Hey,” Eddie gets his eyes halfway open before they fall shut again, “open your eyes. Please open your eyes, Eddie.” Buck feels more than sees Eddie press into his hand and hears him give a final grunt, and then his eyes are open, beautiful brown pools staring up at Buck.

“Hey, Buck.” It’s still scratchy and rough as hell, but it’s the greatest sound Buck has heard all day.

“Hey, Eddie.” Eddie coughs and licks his lips. Buck can tell he wants to speak. “Don’t talk yet. I’ll get you some water.” He finally lets go of Eddie to fill the tiny cup with the pitcher of thankfully melted ice sitting on the side table near the head of the hospital bed. Buck brings the cup to Eddie’s lips with one hand while the other clasps behind his head and neck, helping Eddie drink, a mirror image to just before everything went downhill earlier. Buck goes through the process a couple of more times before Eddie says he’s had enough.

“What happened?”

Buck swallows, suddenly unable to look directly at Eddie. “Uh, what do remember?”

“You made me go to lie down in the bunkroom. And then I woke up here.”

“And that’s it?”

“Yeah. I’m guessing there’s a lot more to it based on your face and all this.” Eddie gestures toward the IV and oxygen tubes.

Buck runs his eyes back over Eddie and realizes he needs to let the nurses know that Eddie is awake. “I should get the doctor.” As Buck makes to move for the door, Eddie grabs his arm and tugs lightly.

“Buck, please. Just tell me.” Eddie’s eyes are full of worry and concern, but Buck can tell only part of it is for himself. He sighs as he gives in to Eddie’s request.

“You, um. You went to the bunkroom and we all thought that you were just getting the rest you needed, but then I went to wake you up. You wouldn’t. Didn’t seem to register any of my attempts to get you awake. So, I yelled for the rest of the team and Hen, Chim, Bobby, and I got you to the ER. You… Eddie your pulse was fast, and your BP was low, and it’s honestly a miracle you didn’t crash or something on the way in according to the doctor.”

“Buck, I’m so sorry.”

“Hey, this wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known any of that would happen.”

“No, but I knew something was off.” Eddie looks almost guilty and Buck can’t for the life of him figure out why. “And you tried to tell me to get looked at weeks ago. Maybe if I had gone I wouldn’t have put you through-”

“Eddie. Stop.” Eddie’s mouth snaps shut, but worry still shines in his eyes. “Look, should you have gone to the doctor before now? Yeah, probably. But running through what-ifs isn’t going to do you any good. You know what I’m hearing you learned from this though?” He waits until Eddie looks at his face again before continuing. “You should listen to me more often.”

Eddie laughs and slaps at Buck’s arms. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll be sure to do that.”

“Good. Now can I please call the nurse and let them know you’re awake?” Eddie nods and Buck decides to press the button, no longer feeling the urge to flee an uncomfortable situation like moments before. The nurse comes in and then calls for the doctor. It’s obvious there’s been a shift change since Dr. Roberts let him in the room, so Buck isn’t shocked to see a different doctor waltz into the room and administer a few basic tests to measure Eddie’s function level.

“Well, Mr. Diaz, it seems like everything is normal. We’ve run a few rounds of labs while you’ve been here, and nothing has shown any cause for major concern.”

“So then, what caused him to go into shock earlier?” Buck can’t bring himself to feel bad about the interruption. Not when what the doctor is saying doesn’t make sense with what Buck witnessed. No major cause for concern? Yeah, no. That’s not going to cut it.

The doctor looks at Buck and answers with all the patience that Buck assumes comes from the experience of dealing with concerned family members. “I’ll be honest with you. We aren’t entirely sure. The tests did show that Mr. Diaz was a little dehydrated, but that shouldn’t have caused his body to try and shut down the way it did.” The doctor returns to addressing Eddie. “Your vitals were concerning, but again not enough to be the reason for your body’s reaction. We’d like to keep you for the next 48 hours to observe and see if it happens again. If it doesn’t you should be able to leave in a few days. And if it does, we’ll have a head start on it.” Eddie agrees, begrudgingly from the tone Buck hears in his voice, and the doctor leaves, promising that Eddie can hit the call button if he needs anything from the nurses or himself.

“Have you been here the whole time?” 

Buck nods, slightly caught off guard by Eddie’s question. “Course I have. Where else would I be?”

“I don’t know, maybe home or with Ch-” Eddie is cut off by the sound of the timer on Buck’s phone finally hitting zero. He looks confused for a moment but recovers quickly. “So, you do have somewhere to be?”

“I, uh. I set a timer so I could get to Chris by his bedtime.” Buck is looking down at his foot, but he can feel Eddie’s eyes boring into him.

“Oh. Yeah. That makes sense.” Something cracks in Eddie’s voice as he finishes speaking.

Buck is briefly panicked that it might have been a bad thing to say. However, he sees nothing but fondness and exhaustion across Eddie’s face as they make eye contact again. “I thought the news would be best coming from me. Especially if you didn’t,” Buck has to clear his throat to get the next words out, “if you didn’t wake up before I left.”

“Thank you.”

“Eds, you don’t need to thank me for that. You know it’s not a problem.”

Eddie nods. “Yeah, I do. Still, thank you.”

Buck can feel the warmth of sincerity in Eddie’s words rush through him. “Course. Hey, do you want me to video call you when I get there so you can talk to him?”

“Yeah. If he’s not too tired.”

“Ok. I gotta get going. Pepa would probably be fine to stay a little longer, but I don’t want her to have to. She should get some rest now that we all know you’re alright.”

“You should too, ya know.” Buck furrows his brows, head cocking to the side. “Get some rest, Buck.”

“Oh, right. I will. As soon as Chris in bed.”

“Promise?”

Buck can’t stop the smile spreading on his face as Eddie uses his dad voice on him, full of firm suggestion and concern. “I promise. I’ll call you as soon as I talk to Chris about everything.”

“Sounds good.”

Buck makes himself walk out of the room, finding each step a little easier once he frames it as going toward Chris rather than leaving Eddie. There’s no real traffic, so Buck is putting his car in park and hopping out in about 15 minutes. He can hear Pepa and Chris talking in Chris’ room as soon as he walks through the door.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on? I know it’s something with dad. He should have been home by now.” Chris sounds upset and Buck is starting to regret having told Pepa not to say anything until he got there. He knocks on the door just as Pepa is attempting to answer.

“Hey, Chris. Mind if I come in?” Chris just stares at him for a minute, sitting up in his bed, arms crossed, face far too stern for his age. It’s times like this that Buck thinks Eddie’s genes and traits shine through so clearly. He’s always been a perceptive kid, but at 14, Buck guesses he can’t expect Chris to not pick up on facial expressions and shifts in moods. Or the absence of someone he loves.

Chris softens a bit as he takes in Buck’s stiff stance and looks around him to see that no one else is coming. “What happened? Where’s dad?”

Buck refuses to be the cause of any unnecessary panic for Chris, so he swiftly makes his way to the bed and sits in front of Chris, facing him with one leg bent on the bed and one leg hanging off. “First of all, your dad is ok.” The heavy exhale from Chris spurs Buck on. “He’s sick and has to stay at the hospital tonight. He didn’t get hurt on the job, and he was awake when I left.”

“Just tonight?”

“Huh?”

“You said he had to stay tonight. How long does he actually have to stay? And when can I see him?”

“They want to keep him for 48 hours just to make sure he’s really ok.” Chris nods and Buck sees so much of Eddie in the shortness of it. “He wondered if you would want to video call after you’d heard everything.”

Chris is reaching for his phone as Buck finishes the sentence, a call pulled up and connected before Buck can even really move. He hears the soft, “hey, mijo” from the other side and excuses himself to give his boys some privacy. Not that they are. His boys. Not in the sense that his brain just meant it at least. And this isn’t the time to be thinking about things like that anyway. He sees Pepa gathering her things as he reaches the doorway to the living room. “Hey, thank you for not saying anything. I didn’t want him to freak out while we didn’t know what was happening for sure.”

Pepa gives Buck a look that says she understands. “Buck, sobrino, I know you would not have asked that of me if you did not think it best for him.” Buck is only slightly caught off guard by Pepa wrapping him up in a tight hug. She releases him and asks, “How is our Eddito?”

Buck coughs to cover his startle at the use of our in this context. “He’s alright, I think. Or, as good as can be expected, I guess. He woke up a little while before I left. On the phone with Chris now.”

“Ah, good. I will go see him in the morning after he’s rested some more.” She looks at Buck, her face seeming to work through several calculations at once. “You should get some rest too, Buck. You look tired.” Pepa’s hand lands on his upper arm as she continues her campaign of undoing the work Buck did to keep his emotions under control until Chris is out. “I know you care for them both, but you must also care for yourself. Eddie will be alright and so will Chris. So, you will get some sleep tonight. Hm?”

“You’re right, as usual, Pepa. I’ve already promised Eddie that I would get some shut eye, but I can promise you too if you want.”

Pepa huffs out a laugh as she grabs her purse and pulls it up onto her arm. “Oh no, I trust my nephew’s plea was sufficient enough. You would never break a promise to him.” There’s a small twinkle in her eyes as Pepa tells him goodnight and leaves Buck standing in the living room, more than a little dumbfounded at her surety that he wouldn’t want to disappoint Eddie. He shakes himself from the stupor and locks the door behind her. Buck pauses as he makes his way back to Chris’ door, glass of water in hand, an old habit carried over from when he was young, and Maddie would bring him water if he was upset. Chris hasn’t ever complained about it though so Buck assumes it’s alright. He hears Chris saying something about school and assumes it's ok for him to reenter. Buck opens the door, sets the water on Chris’ nightstand, and takes a seat in the desk chair to the side of his bed. Just in time for Chris to say, “Buck’s back.” Buck hears Eddie request to be turned around so he can talk to him. Chris’ solution is to stand and hand the phone to Buck, declaring he needs to use the bathroom anyway. Buck has just enough time to chuckle at that before Eddie is demanding his attention.

“Hey, Buck, are you listening?”

“Huh? Yeah, sorry Eds.”

“Does he seem like he’s doing ok to you?”

“Honestly? Not sure. He knew something was up before I even got here, but he seems to be taking it well.”

“And you?”

Buck was not expecting that. “Eddie, I’m fine. You’re awake and alive, and we’re all good. No need to worry about me.” That’s the last thing Buck wants Eddie to do. He should be focused on getting better, not Buck’s feelings.

Eddie doesn’t quite look like he believes Buck, but thankfully changes the subject anyway. “Chris has a school project due on Monday. He hasn’t let me help with it. Can you see if he’ll talk to you about it?”

“Yeah, no problem.” Buck hears the toilet flush down the hall. “I think he’s about back. Anything else?”

“No. Just… get some rest.” Buck rolls his eyes, but Eddie starts coughing when he tries to respond.

“Eddie?”

Eddie recovers quickly as he sips at a cup of what Buck assumes is water until he can safely talk again. “I’m ok, Buck. Really, get some sleep. Make sure Chris does too.”

“Yeah. Maybe you should get some more rest too.” Chris comes back into the room as Eddie agrees. They both say goodnight to Eddie and Chris hangs the phone up and sets it back on his nightstand to charge. Chris is too old to be tucked in now, but Buck lingers as he settles in anyway.

“Buck?”

“Yeah, bud?”

“You’re off tomorrow, right?”

Buck is pretty sure he knows where this is heading. “Yeah, I am. What’s up?”

“Can we go see my dad then?”

Buck drops a hand onto Chris’ shoulder. “Absolutely. Tomorrow is Friday, so how about I pick you up from school and we go straight over?” Chris nods in agreement. “Alright, Superman, get some sleep.”

“Goodnight, Buck.”

“Goodnight, Chris. Sweet dreams.” Buck shuts Chris’ door, despite the temptation to leave it cracked in case he needs anything during the night. Chris is a teenager and has already had the discussion with both Eddie and Buck about his need for privacy. Buck clears his head of thoughts about Chris growing up and leaving way too soon as he moves around the living room setting up the couch to sleep on. He plugs his phone in and sets it down on the coffee table by his head, on full volume, of course, determined not to miss a thing if news from Eddie comes through. He’d texted an offer to bring Eddie a bag if Pepa could stay, but Eddie had reminded Buck that Athena had stopped by the station and grabbed all of his stuff, so he had everything he would need for the night. Surprisingly, it’s only a couple of hours before exhaustion takes over and Buck makes good on his promise to Eddie.

----------

“Take it easy, Eddie. Don’t need you having to go back to the hospital when you just got home.” Buck tries for a joking tone, but it doesn’t fully land. He thinks he can’t really be blamed given the circumstances. Regardless, Eddie answers him.

“Definitely not.” Eddie gives Buck a small smile, soft and crinkled around the edges. Buck does his best to return it. They’re making the way up the drive and Eddie had insisted on carrying his own bag and speedwalking to the door. Buck can’t help but be worried about the very real possibility of Eddie overexerting himself too soon. Even after the last few days, one more than anticipated thanks the Dr. Roberts ordering some new tests, they have no idea what caused Eddie to have an episode like that, or whether it will prove to be a one-off occurrence. Buck certainly hopes so, but there’s no need for Eddie to aid in proving him wrong so swiftly. They make it inside and Eddie all but collapses onto the couch.

Buck hurries into the kitchen and returns with a glass of water, which he practically shoves at Eddie. “Drink this.” Eddie downs the liquid without argument and hands the glass back to Buck. “How you feeling? You need anything?”

“Buck, I’m fine. You can stop hovering.”

“Yeah, not likely. Especially since I’ll be staying here for a while.” Buck had made that decision last night, and broached the topic while leaving the hospital. Eddie had begrudgingly accepted. So, Buck will be leaving once Chris gets home from school to pack a bag at his apartment and head right back.

“Guess I’ll just get use to your mother hen behaviors then.” Eddie sighs dramatically as he sinks back into the couch, nothing but mirth in his eyes. Buck simply rolls his eyes and takes Eddie’s bag to his room. He unpacks most of it while he’s in there, justifying that Eddie is still tired and won’t want to do it. When he makes it back out to the living room he finds Eddie in the same spot on the couch flipping through channels.

Buck leans down over the back of the couch. “Hey, any requests for lunch?”

Eddie winces and Buck is about to ask if he’s in pain, but Eddie explains himself first. “Buck, it’s like 10am. Besides, I’m not really hungry.”

Buck tries his best to tamp down on the worry that statement causes. After all, Eddie is still recovering so it’s only natural for him to have little to no appetite. “Well, you need to eat something later. They told me you haven’t finished a tray the whole time you were there.”

“Can you blame me? Hospital food isn’t exactly your lasagna.” Eddie smiles again and Buck can’t help but take that as a hint.

“I’m not sure I can pull it off for lunch, but maybe I can swing by the store on the way back later and we can have it for dinner.”

“Buck, I wasn’t suggesting that. I’m fine with whatever you feel like making.”

“And if I feel like making lasagna?”

Eddie looks back to the TV, attempting to hide his laugh as he shakes his head. Buck hears a mumbled “smartass” before Eddie actually responds. “I wouldn’t argue.”

“Great! Chris will be excited. He’s been asking me to teach him the recipe for a while now.” Eddie looks at him with fondness and a little bit of something that Buck can’t pin down. He stands and claps his hands together, unable to be so close when Eddie is looking at him like that. “As for now, how does pozole sound?”

“It sounds perfect.”

Buck gets to work in the kitchen. He pulls out the left over pork from dinner he and Chris had last night. If Buck had specifically bought it, along with the other necessary ingredients, this weekend on the off chance that Eddie would want pozole when he came home, well, that’s between him and Chris, who had almost definitely pieced together what he was doing. Buck gets everything started and takes Eddie another glass of water, letting him know that the soup will be done in about another hour then returns to the kitchen to watch over it and do his best to clear his mind.

It doesn’t work. He sits on the counter and worries over why and how Eddie got sick. And how he could let it go on for weeks without forcing the man to the doctor. Sure Eddie is stubborn, but that’s nothing a mild sedative and a locked car can’t remedy. Buck knows that works from the last time Eddie had a bad case of the flu. Eddie had refused to schedule an appointment, so Buck had given him some cold meds and herded him into the passenger seat of his Jeep. Eddie had actually thanked Buck once he was in his right mind again. Buck probably should have pulled the same trick this time, even though they know it wasn’t the flu. And that’s something else entirely. Why did none of the tests show anything? How does every single test come back negative or inconclusive? The only thing they were able to find was a strain on Eddie’s kidneys, but no definite cause behind it. The timer goes off and Buck abandons his position to stir and then scoop the soup into bowls for both of them. He carries them to the living room so that Eddie won’t have to get up and goes back for drinks.

Once they’re both settled and have picked a show to binge, Buck finds it a bit easier to treat it like a normal day. Eddie throws out comments at the bakers on the screen and how they should have done this or that differently. Buck prefers the American cooking shows, all chaos and drama, but Eddie would rather watch the British baking ones. He says there’s still plenty of drama it’s just not directed at the other contestants so much. Buck thinks it also has something to do with Eddie’s massive sweet tooth. He has been obliged to try out an astronomical number of recipes just because he caught Eddie flashing one too many longing looks at the screen. By the end of the fourth episode, Eddie has managed to finish his bowl, but declines seconds. Buck is willing to let it go for now, especially given the yawn that Eddie lets out.

“Alright, time for a nap.”

“What? No, I’m not even that tired.” Buck levels Eddie with a look just as he looses another yawn. “Ok, maybe a nap isn’t the worst idea.”

Buck helps Eddie up and to his room. Once Eddie is under the covers, with another glass of water on his nightstand, Buck double checks if he needs anything else. Eddie declines and thanks Buck for everything, for probably the millionth time since Thursday night. Buck rolls his eyes, reminding Eddie that there’s no need to thank him, and adds, “Oh, by the way, you’re out of that tea you like. I ordered some more though and it should be here by next week.” Eddie just smiles at him and lies back onto his pillow. Buck leaves the room, making sure the door is cracked in case Eddie has to call out for him. He decides that the place could use some cleaning. Buck starts with the dishes piled up in the sink, cleaning, drying, and putting away every dish and utensil in sight. When he’s done with that, he has the need to check on Eddie. Buck opens the door as quietly as possible and watches Eddie breathe for a few moments, comforted by the steady rise and fall of his chest.

The rest of the afternoon goes on like that. Buck will complete a chore and check on Eddie. Do a load of laundry, check on Eddie. Clean up the living room, check on Eddie. Another load of laundry, check on Eddie. Chris and Carla come in just as he’s making his last check. Buck puts a finger to his lips as he pads away from Eddie’s room. Chris clocks it and waits until Buck is closer to ask, “How’s dad?”

“He’s ok, just resting some.” Chris looks slightly concerned, but willing to accept Buck’s diagnosis. “He actually mentioned wanting lasagna for dinner. What do you say we go to the store and then you can help me make it before we wake him up?” Chris agrees with all his normal excitement about learning a dish. “Carla, would you mind staying with Eddie for a little while? We’ll be back as soon as we can.”

“Of course, Buckaroo. I’ve got no other appointments today so don’t worry about the time.”

And with that, they’re off. Buck drives to his apartment first so they can be as efficient as possible and double back to the store. Despite Carla’s insistence, they make quick work of both stops and are back in a little over an hour. Not bad considering LA traffic on any given day. Before he knows it, Buck is instructing Chris on making the perfect six cheese filling for Bobby’s infamous lasagna. In stark contrast to his dad, Chris is a natural in the kitchen. Granted, Eddie has improved over the last couple of years, but he still doesn’t quite hold a candle to Buck’s talents. So, Chris had asked Buck to start teaching him some time last year and they’ve been steady working up to more complicated dishes since. He’s even cooked them all dinner once or twice, with Buck present in a purely supervisory role. It was nothing fancy, but Buck has never had breakfast for dinner that tasted as good as Chris’. At his current rate, Chris will be a master chef by the time he goes to college. Oh no. Nope. Buck is definitely not ready to think about that right now. So, he refocuses on Chris, who is laying out the first layer of dough in the pan. They go through the process of building the layers and Buck lets Chris put the pan into the oven. Then he puts Chris in charge of cutting some of the veggies for the salad while he cleans up a little.

Once the lasagna is almost done and the salad thrown together, Buck tells Chris to go wake Eddie. He accepts the task eagerly. Roughly 10 minutes later, Eddie shuffles into the kitchen, Chris behind him all the way. Buck can’t help but smile at the site. “Go sit, it will be out soon.”

“I can’t believe you actually made it.”

“Chris actually did most of the work.”

“Ah, so it’s going to be extra delicious.”

“Yes, now go take a seat.”

“I’m not helpless, ya know. Am I at least allowed to carry the salad to the table?”

Buck gives Chris a calculating look over Eddie’s shoulder. “Mmm, I don’t know. What do you think Chris? Can he handle it?”

Chris considers, making a couple of faces that Buck knows he’s absolutely to blame for, and then says, “Yeah, I think he can.” Buck hands him the salad and Eddie huffs on his way to the table. Chris laughs as Buck winks at him, grabbing the lasagna and following after Eddie. He and Chris double back after the main dish is deposited on the table. Chris had set the table while they were waiting earlier so they all dig in. Buck notices that Eddie doles out a slightly smaller than normal portion for himself, but doesn’t mention it. They talk and eat and enjoy their quality time together. Eventually, Chris mentions that he has homework that has to be done and excuses himself from the table. He’s too cool for hugs right now, but an exception is made tonight as he wraps his arms around Eddie and then Buck with mumbled I love you’s before heading to his room.

Now that they’re alone, Buck notices Eddie pushing the last of his salad around his plate, seemingly struggling with finishing it all. “Eddie?” His best friend’s hand freezes but he doesn’t look up. “Are you sure you’re ok?”

Eyes shoot up to meet his. “Yeah, Buck, I’m alright.”

“It’s just. You still haven’t eaten much, and you slept most of the day.”

“Who’s fault is that? I don’t recall a nap being my idea. And I’m pretty sure someone shut off all my alarms while I was asleep.” Eddie crosses his arms and raises an eyebrow. Now it’s Buck’s turn to look away.

“Guilty. I just wanted to make sure you’d actually take the nap.”

“Well, I think I can forgive that.” Buck smiles as he and Eddie lock eyes. “As long as you’re willing to keep me company if I’m up all night.” Buck should have known there was a catch coming. He chuckles before accepting Eddie’s challenge.

“That seems fair.” The two of them end up back on the couch, picking up where they left off in Eddie’s baking show, beers replacing the water from earlier. Well, at least for Buck. Eddie still has a glass of the clear liquid set off to the side in case he needs it. Ok, so, maybe Buck heard the doctor say Eddie was dehydrated and is overcompensating, but Eddie isn’t complaining. They make it through about seven episodes this time around before Eddie starts yawning. He doesn’t argue this time as Buck pushes him up and to bed. Eddie stops them in the doorway.

“Goodnight, Buck.”

“Goodnight, Eds.” Buck watches as Eddie shuts the door all the way, spiking his anxiety just the tiniest bit as he makes his way back to the living room. He sits and scrolls through the apps on his phone for about an hour. Buck wonders if Eddie is asleep by now. He needs to check on him. Buck gets up and moves as quietly as possible through the house until he’s once again standing in front of Eddie’s door. His hand turns the knob, slowly and carefully, and he’s able to push the door open enough to get his head through. Once Buck is satisfied with the count of respirations, he leaves and retakes his spot on the couch. He knows that his brain craves the reassurance that Eddie is alright. He hadn’t been counting on the need being so persistent though. Buck finds himself checking on Eddie on an hourly schedule until almost midnight.

He opens the door and immediately hears, “Buck, get in here.” Shit. The last thing Buck had wanted was to wake Eddie up. Eddie props himself up on an elbow, staring at Buck now. He sighs out, “Will you please come in so we can talk about why you’ve been popping your head in here every hour like a damn warden?”

Buck can’t help the laugh that pulls from him as he follows Eddie’s request and steps into the room, shutting the door behind him. The moonlight shines through the window, casting everything in a pale blue glow. And it suits Eddie. Buck physically shakes his head as he approaches the bed where Eddie is now sitting up fully against the headboard. Not the time. “Sorry. I was just-”

He’s cut off by Eddie, “Making sure I was still breathing?”

“Uh, yeah. But I can stop. I’m sorry I woke you up.”

“Buck,” he can just make out Eddie shaking his head as he says it, “no you can’t.” Buck is about to reiterate that he can stay put on the couch and not bother Eddie anymore tonight, but Eddie continues. “Which is why you’re staying in here.”

“What?” The question leaves Buck in a rush of breath, unsure if he heard Eddie correctly.

“You’re worried. And I get it. But neither one of us is gonna get any good sleep like this. So, you’re staying in here while you’re staying here.” Buck stays standing, apparently taking too long to get with the program for Eddie’s liking. “Don’t act like we haven’t shared plenty of times before.”

“Right, no. We have.” It’s just those times were before Buck had realized his feelings for Eddie. Or, well, technically the last time was while he was figuring it out, right after the lightning strike. The night he had fled his loft for the safety of the Diaz house. The night he and Eddie had finally talked about their shared trauma without any walls or obstacles in the way. That was two years ago, and he’s somehow not allowed himself be in that situation with Eddie since. But he can’t exactly give Eddie a good excuse that doesn’t expose his feelings. “I just need to go grab my phone from the couch.”

“If you aren’t back in here in the next two minutes I’m dragging you back here myself. And you wouldn’t make a sick man do all that, would you?” Buck shakes his head and hurries out to his phone. When he returns Eddie is already laid down and back under the covers. Buck sets his phone on the other nightstand and climbs into the bed. Eddie rolls onto his side toward Buck. What Buck can make out of his face give the impression that Eddie is calculating what he’s about to say. Buck is proven right after a few more seconds of silence. “Here,” Eddie offers up his wrist, “I know that’s how you did it in the hospital. Even after that first night.”

“Oh.” Buck hadn’t thought about Eddie realizing what he was doing, but he’s kind of glad he doesn’t have to ask now. “Um, yeah. It’s not weird?”

“Oh no, it’s definitely weird.” Eddie laughs and Buck follows. “But I get it, and I don’t mind.” Buck takes the offered limb and wraps his own hand around it, adjusting until his first two fingers are over Eddie’s pulse point. True to his word, Eddie doesn’t make a fuss about it. “Now, can we please try to get some sleep. I know you’re off, but we have about six hours until Chris has to be up.”

Buck tries to brush off the tingle that we sends through him. “Yeah. Goodnight, Eds.”

“Night, Buck.”

Buck wakes the next morning surprisingly warm with a solid presence under him. He blinks his eyes open only to realize that he and Eddie are completely wrapped up in each other. His head is on Eddie’s chest, right over his heart, and he can feel himself rising and falling with Eddie’s every breath. Their legs are tangled together, one of his arms is wrapped up and around Eddie’s torso, the other tucked under the small of his back, while Buck himself is lying half on top of Eddie. For his part, Eddie’s got one arm slung over his back, hand resting on Buck’s hip. His other arm is somewhere to the side, Buck can barely feel it brushing against his own. Buck lays there for a minute, soaking it all in. The touch of skin, the security of Eddie’s embrace, the steady rhythm of Eddie’s heartbeat in his ear. He wishes it could be like this all the time, that it was just another weekday morning where Buck is waking up with the love of his life. But it isn’t and he knows it. The alarm hasn’t gone off yet, but Buck is made aware fairly quickly that it’s his bladder that’s woken him slightly early. He carefully unwinds himself from Eddie, hoping not to wake him in the process. He hears the alarm go off as he’s making his way out of the bathroom, and then promptly sees Eddie roll over to hit the snooze.

Eddie looks up at Buck, “G’d morn’ng. Why ‘r you up a’ready?”

The slur to Eddie’s words is so adorable it’s unfair. “Morning. Just woke up a few minutes before the alarm.” Eddie grunts his acknowledgement, eyes closing once more. “I’ll make sure Chris is up and ready to go for when Carla gets here. You can stay in bed.”

“Mmm, o’ly if you pr’mise to c’me back.”

“Sure, Eddie.” Buck leaves him and does a pretty good job of getting Chris up, fed, and double checking he has everything before sending him with Carla in his opinion. He cleans up a little and then heads back to Eddie’s bedroom. As Buck rejoins Eddie, he allows his mind to drift to the possibility of Eddie feeling the same. He usually tries to steer clear of that train of thought, but the level of comfort and trust shared between them since last night can’t be one-sided. Maybe after Eddie is healed completely, Buck will finally find the courage and words to bring it up to Eddie. Right now, though, all that matters is that Eddie is here and wants Buck with him. He’ll worry about all of that again once Eddie is well.

----------

Buck doesn’t understand why Eddie seems to be regressing. It’s been a couple of weeks since Eddie was released from the hospital and Buck started staying every night with his two favorite people. Eddie should be getting better, and he was for the first week. He was eating bigger portions and sleeping less. He had even talked to Bobby about when he could come back, his doctor willing to sign off on an all clear in the next few days. But then he started getting worse again almost overnight. Eddie started moving slower, eating less, showing signs of major fatigue. It’s been five days of this, each day with Eddie getting seemingly worse. He hadn’t eaten any breakfast this morning and finished barely half of his lunch. Buck has also noticed the lack of fluids Eddie is intaking. The sleep he’s getting is more fitful than useful now too. Buck has spent every night in Eddie’s bed, thankful for the ease with which he can keep a watch over Eddie, but aching all the same. He and Eddie always end up wrapped around each other in some way, leaving Buck longing for the day Eddie is better and they might get to do so intentionally, from the point when they lay down together.

Currently, Eddie is taking a prolonged nap alone while Buck does some laundry. Buck’s mind wanders, trying to make sense of everything when put together. Unfortunately, he comes up empty. He’s just picked up the basket full of clean clothes to take it to the living room, intending to fold them all with Hell’s Kitchen as background noise, when he hears a thud from somewhere in the house. Buck immediately stills and hears it again, able to make out that it’s coming from the hallway now. He abandons the laundry basket and heads for the hall, running to catch a collapsing Eddie who’s leaned himself against the wall. “Eddie!” Buck gets his arms around Eddie and the other man goes limp. He lowers them both to the ground as quickly as possible, refusing to consider how bad it could have been had he not been listening out. “Eddie, are you with me? What’s wrong?”

Eddie groans from where he sits with his back to Buck’s chest. “Don’t know. Not good.”

“Ok. Ok, just hang on. I’m gonna call an ambulance.” Buck wastes no time in explaining the situation and giving the address to the dispatcher, putting the phone on speaker and setting it down next to him. Eddie is making small noises of pain. They’re quiet but ring through Buck’s mind, a loud clanging bell that he can’t drown out. “Eddie? How you feelin’?”

“Bad.” Buck waits for more, an explanation of what kind of bad, but it seems more noises are all Eddie can give at the moment.

“Ok. Just hang in there. The ambulance is on it’s way and we’ll get you feeling better in no time.” Eddie has completely sagged against Buck leaving him to slide a little further down. Buck wraps his arms around Eddie and carefully pulls him up until Eddie’s head is resting back against Buck’s shoulder.

Eddie rolls his head over, landing in the crook of Buck’s neck. “Tired,” he manages to get out the weak syllable. Buck’s body goes rigid, tight lines of panic locking up his every muscle and joint as he feels Eddie’s eyelashes flutter against his skin.

“Hey, no. No! Eddie, you gotta stay awake.” He shakes Eddie as much as he can manage, hoping it’s enough to keep him awake and present. Eddie groans again and rolls his head back to center. “That’s it. Just stay with me. They’ll be here soon. Just stay awake. Please, stay awake.”

Eddie’s head rubs against the fabric of Buck’s shirt, a quick almost nonexistent nod. “Talk ‘t me.” Buck has never been good at denying Eddie anything, and if that’s what Eddie needs to fight sleep, that’s exactly what Buck will do. Despite the fact that his mouth is dry and his throat feels like an inferno.

“Chris, uh, he aced that project. He told me yesterday. Said he wanted to wait until you were feeling up to it to celebrate. Turns out it was worth a fourth of his grade in the class.” Eddie hums and Buck chuckles dryly. “Yeah, I know. He didn’t tell me either. I don’t remember middle school being that high stakes. He really enjoyed making it though. So, he’s gonna be pissed if he comes home and you’re asleep again.” Buck tries for a teasing tone, but he can hear that it falls just short, landing more on desperation. Buck is scrambling on what else he can force out when he hears sirens. He exhales, the slightest bit of relief pushing through and releasing some of the tightly wound coils in his core. “See, they’re almost here. Just stay with me, Eddie.”

Eddie grunts out, “Always.” The paramedics are bursting through the door before Buck can try and respond or even process everything that one word means between them. Eddie is loaded up and Buck barely remembers to grab his phone and keys as he follows them out. Buck is hit with feelings similar to déjà vu, but not at all. He’s been in this situation several times, but each one feels vastly different. The ride to the hospital from the station felt like an eternity. Now, time seems to speed up. The ambulance doors shut. Buck blinks once or twice and they’re open again, Eddie being rolled into the hands of nurses and doctors who don’t have any personal investment in his recovery. Buck is aware that they will do everything in their power. He just hopes it’s enough. He can’t lose Eddie. Not now. Not from this unknown thing trying to steal him at every turn.

----------

“Buck?” Chris sounds so sad. Buck hates that he’s here again, trying to keep them both together while Eddie stays in the hospital. It’s been three days and Buck is starting to fully understand what everyone went through when he was struck by lightning. Watching Eddie lie there in a hospital bed, unmoving and unresponsive, a tube down his throat helping him complete one of the most basic human functions, is one of the worst feelings in his life. But watching Chris try to deal with and process all of it is worse. Buck isn’t sure how Eddie managed this. He would give anything to be able to take away the dark cloud that’s replaced Chris’ sunshine. He can’t though. All he can do is drive Chris to and from the hospital at his request to see his dad.

The first day, Buck had picked Chris up from school and driven directly to the hospital. Chris had looked up from his phone, realized where they were, and asked Buck where his dad was. Buck took Chris up to the ICU, luckily he didn’t have to sneak him in because Eddie and Chris are biologically related, and sat in a chair beside him while he talked to Eddie. They’ve been back to the hospital several times since then, though Buck has pretty much lived there. He knows it isn’t healthy, but Bobby had arranged to give him a week off. Buck is so thankful and so happy he hadn’t taken any time off after the first time. It was tempting, but Eddie had insisted that Buck would be staying with them, so he should go to work as usual. He can be here for Chris and Eddie now because of that insistence. Buck shakes himself free of those thoughts to answer Chris. “Yeah, bud?” He goes back to cooking dinner, moving around the kitchen in a house that only feels halfway like home without Eddie in it.

Chris hesitates, staying silent for a few more moments before settling on a question that makes Buck run cold all over. “Is my dad dying?”

The spatula Buck had just picked up clatters against the floor as it drops from his hand. He whirls around to see Chris sitting at the counter, biting at his lip, eyes glossed over behind his glasses, arms hugged to himself. He looks small, almost like the kid Buck met after the earthquake seven years ago, not the teen he knows now. Buck is spurred into action, crossing the distance between them and crushing Chris into his chest in a hug. Chris goes willingly and Buck feels arms wrap around him. And then Chris starts to shake, sobs wracking through his body. “Oh, Chris. Buddy, I’m so sorry.” Buck runs one of his hands through Chris’ hair in a soothing gesture, not to get Chris to stop, but to make it clear that he can cry for as long as he needs to. Buck can feel the tears springing to his own eyes. He wills them to stop, to go away. This isn’t about him. Chris doesn’t need to see Buck crying right now.

After a few minutes, Chris raises his head and pushes away from Buck. He braces for whatever comes out of Chris’ mouth. “Buck, please tell me the truth.”

“I… Buddy I’m not sure. Honestly, nobody can seem to figure out what’s going on with his body. You know they had him in a medical coma.” Chris nods, sniffling a little. “And they’re taking him off tomorrow. We’re gonna be there. So no matter what happens, we’ll face it together.”

Chris’ face contorts into distress. “I know you’ll take care of me if anything happens to him. And I don’t want you to think that I wouldn’t be happy about that. I would, really. But he’s my dad, Buck. I don’t want to lose him too.”

“Of course you don’t. Christopher,” Buck pauses to make sure Chris is looking at him, “I would never, ever want to replace your dad. I don’t want you to lose him either. And I wish I could tell you something good, something better, but I don’t have the answers this time.” Chris nods at him. “You should never feel guilty about wanting to keep your dad. He loves you so much. There’s no way he isn’t fighting like hell to come back to you.”

“To us.” Chris’ conviction behind the statement comes crashing through him like a wave. All he can do is nod as he hugs Chris again. A timer goes off and Chris releases Buck stating that he would like dinner not to be burned. But a thought hits him as he finishes stirring the pot and lowers the heat to a simmer.

“Chris, when you said you know I’ll always take care of you, did you mean like in a general sense of me always being around, or?” Buck can’t finish the question, but Chris does it for him.

“I know about the will.”

Buck forces an exhale. “You do?”

Chris looks a little guilty as he answers. “Yeah. Dad told me after he got shot. I had a nightmare one night that he had died, and I had to move back to Texas and leave everyone here. I just assumed they would send me back to my grandparents. That’s when he told me that I wouldn’t have to ever worry about that. He said he had made sure that I would be able to stay with you and nobody could decide any different but me. I asked him how and he explained what a will was. Or, at least in terms a ten-year-old could understand. We’ve had a few other conversations about it since then. He gave me a copy of that part to read over last year, actually. So, yeah, I know I’ll get to stay with you and that you’ll take care of me. I just kind of wish I didn’t have to trade one dad for another.”

Chris shrugs as if this knowledge hasn’t rocked Buck’s world. Chris has known for years, has been quelling anxiety about his dad doing this job with the knowledge that he would get to be with Buck if anything happened. Buck can’t even bring himself to touch on the “one dad for another” statement. It hits too close to how he feels about Chris. “We shouldn’t think like that. I know there’s a lot of uncertainty around all of this, but I believe your dad is gonna pull through. So, let’s not focus on any other possibilities unless we have to. Ok?”

“Yeah, ok.”

Buck can’t help but see the lingering worry in his eyes. He’s too young to have dealt with everything he has. Buck wonders if that worry will be a permanent feature. He wishes he could take it away, wrap Chris in a protective bubble, and keep him safe from all the unfairness. As it stands, he can offer comfort and be there for him as much as possible. “How about we watch that new documentary you have saved after dinner? And you can stay out of school tomorrow if you want.”

“Can we have ice cream with the documentary?”

“Yeah, Superman. You can have all the ice cream you want.”

Chris gets out of his seat and comes to wrap Buck in another hug. With both of them standing, he comes up to Buck’s chest, not quite as tall as Eddie, but he still has a few years left to grow. He mumbles a thank you into the fabric of Buck’s shirt, not letting go quickly. Buck holds Chris and hopes that he won’t have to break his heart by eventually saying yes to his earlier question.

----------

“Eddie, for the last time, I cannot sneak you any extra water.”

“Can’t or won’t?”

“Both. The doctor was very clear that you’re on liquid restriction.” Buck is grateful that’s all Eddie is required to follow for now. The strain on his kidneys has worsened significantly, leading to another domino effect of Eddie’s body going into shock and some other organs trying to overcompensate for it. Eddie woke up two days ago. There hasn’t been any improvement since. So, the doctor has him on a very controlled liquid input to hopefully help improve his kidney function. Eddie’s face twists into a mock pout and Buck can’t help but laugh. “Man, if I was anything like this when I was in the hospital I think I need to write everyone apology letters.”

“Oh, you weren’t like this.” Buck smiles, too soon apparently. “You were so much worse.”

Buck squawks at Eddie’s statement. “Just for that, I’m taking your precious tea away from you when you get out of here.”

Eddie pauses, probably calculating the likelihood of Buck following through on his threat. “You wouldn’t dare.”  

“Wouldn’t I?” Buck smirks. They both know that he would not, completely unwilling to do anything to intentionally upset Eddie. Don’t see how you drink that stuff anyway. It’s so bitter.”

“It’s perfect with the honey added.” Eddie shrugs as if it’s the only defense necessary.

“It is not. Raw honey is not a fix-all, Eddie.” Buck shakes his head at himself. “I created a monster when I got you into the organic stuff.” Buck had somehow gotten Eddie to agree to do a cleanse with him for a couple of weeks last year, and his best friend had been hooked ever since. He said he felt better than he had in years. Buck thinks it’s endearing the lengths Eddie is willing to go to now to make sure he and Chris are eating healthy. There are of course still nights where they all go a little overboard on junk food, but for the most part, Eddie or Buck will take turns cooking, or sometimes they handle it together, trying out new recipes that one of them has found. Buck really hopes they can go back to that soon. It’s only been a few weeks, not quite a month, since all of this started, but Buck misses Eddie’s cooking, and cooking with Eddie, terribly. There was a time when Buck was prepared to shovel down the most disgusting creations just to see Eddie smile. Luckily for everyone, his skills have improved greatly over the last few years. The tea was a new addition that Buck hadn’t anticipated. Eddie had taken a liking to one particular type about six months ago and drank it daily. Buck had actually snuck in a cup for Eddie that first night, but that was before he was told about the restriction.

“Yeah, got no one to blame but… yourself.” Eddie grimaces on the last word, face going tight.

“Eddie? What is it?”

“Nothing. Just a little pain.” Eddie pulls another face as he says it, immediately putting Buck on guard.

“That’s not nothing. I’ll get a doctor.”

“No, I’m sure it’s-” Eddie cuts his own sentence off with a yell, clutching his left side.

Buck has his head in the hall, alerting the staff before the monitors get the chance. “I need some help in here!” Several nurses rush in and Buck turns around just in time to see Eddie start writhing in pain. Another nurse is steadily pushing him out of the door. Buck wants to fight him off, to scream in his face and run back to Eddie’s side, but he doesn’t. Part of him knows the best thing he can do for Eddie right now is stay out of the way and let him be helped by the people who can actually be useful to him right now. He barely registers the rapid beeping as the door shuts in his face. Buck takes a deep breath and thanks the universe itself that Chris is at school right now. He waits outside the door for what feels like forever but is probably only around 30 minutes. When the door finally opens and he sees the doctor file out, Buck asks what happened.

Dr. Roberts gives him a sympathetic look. “We think his kidneys have started swelling from the retention. It would explain the pain he was having. I’ve put in an order for a diuretic.” He hesitates and then continues with an exhale, crossing his arms over his chest. “If that doesn’t work though, we may have to start looking into dialysis or transplants.” Buck knows what happens to people who don’t get the transplants they need. The realization hits him square in the chest.

“You can live with one kidney, right?”

“Well, yes, but both of Mr. Diaz’s kidneys are in less-than-ideal shape already.”

“I want to be tested. If I’m a match he can have one of mine. Direct donation, skips the list, right?” Buck would give Eddie the still-beating heart out of his chest. A kidney is nothing to him.

“Mr. Buckley, I appreciate your willingness to help your partner, but we aren’t there just yet. I only wanted to prepare you for some of the worst case scenarios. We’re running some new tests and are hopeful we can find the root cause of the problem.”

“Does he know? Have you told him?”

“Yes. I explained all the options before I left the room. He seemed to take it well enough. Though I’m sure he wouldn’t mind having someone with him again.” Dr. Roberts inclines his head toward the door and Buck breathes a sigh of relief and resignation.

“Yeah, thanks doc.” And with that, Buck makes his way back into Eddie’s room. Eddie looks tired but is awake and present. An improvement from the last couple of times something like this has happened. He retakes his seat beside the bed. “How ya feelin’?”

“Been better. But I’ve also been shot and trapped underground, so on the scale of injuries this is pretty low in comparison.” Buck can tell that Eddie is trying to lighten the mood, but he’s in no mood for humor

“Eddie…”

“You talked to Dr. Roberts, didn’t you?” Buck nods and Eddie sighs. “Ok. So, I think it’s time to have the talk. Just in case it does get worse.”

“No. If it comes to a transplant I’ll donate.”

“Buck-”

“None of that “you can’t” bullshit. I can and I will. And you’ll take the damn kidney.” Buck can hear the gravel in his own voice, just barely overpowering the tremble in it.

“Ok, Buck. I’ll accept it. But if you’re not a match-”

“Eddie-”

“If you’re not a match,” Eddie powers through Buck’s interruption, “we need to consider the possibility that I may not get one in time.”

“Eddie, please.” Buck feels like he might split open, paint the walls of this room with his grief and emotions if Eddie keeps talking.

“I know you and Chris will take care of each other. You asked me before if my parents would fight for him, and you were right to be concerned. So, I’ve made sure it’s airtight. There’s no way they can contest it without proof that you’re unfit, which will never be true.”

Buck pleads again, trying a different tactic. “Eddie, you shouldn’t be talking so much. Save your energy.”

Eddie persists despite Buck’s concerns. “Buck, listen to me. Don’t let Chris be your entire life. He’s old enough to understand that adults date and need other people.”

Fine. Eddie is obviously intent on having this conversation. That doesn’t mean Buck has to be compliant with it. “I don’t want that.”

“Yes, you do.” Eddie pauses so he can shift up in the bed just the tiniest bit more. “Buck, you need a partner. You need someone who’s there for you as much as you are for them. And being a single dad is so different from co-parenting. Don’t try to say that isn’t what we’ve been doing, because it is. You’ve been co-parenting Chris for years. And I’m sorry I might not be there to do it with you anymore.”

“STOP.” Buck doesn’t yell very often, but he can’t contain his knee-jerk reaction to hearing Eddie admit defeat. He takes a deep breath and looks at Eddie’s face, full of understanding and sorrow. “Please, stop. I can’t. Eddie, I can’t listen to you talk like that.”

“Ok, I won’t say it. But you have to live, Buck. Not just stay alive for Chris. Live. You’ll meet someone and they’ll fill the gap. You and her and Chris will make a happy family.”

“I won’t.”

“You will. And that’s ok.”

“No. I won’t. I can’t.”

“Why?” Eddie’s response unleashes the damn in Buck’s heart and mouth.

“Because I don’t want anyone else. I already have a partner, a co-parent. And nobody will ever measure up to that. I don’t want anyone else. I want you, Eddie.” Buck is determined to finish now that he’s started, despite the million emotions he sees flickering across Eddie’s face. “I’ve been agonizing for days about whether I should tell you because it could be my last chance or if I should let you go in peace. But I can’t let you slip away without you knowing. And I think a part of me is hoping this will give you something extra to fight for, even though most of me knows that’s not how it works.” Buck grabs Eddie’s hand in his own and looks directly into beautiful brown eyes that even sickness can’t dull. “I love you. And I need you. So, you can’t leave. Not now. Even if you don’t feel the same. Even if it changes everything or nothing for you. You. Can’t. Leave. Me. I love you.” Eddie is crying. Buck might be the worst person alive. He should never have said any of that. He’s just made this so much harder for both of them. But there’s no taking it back now. “I’m sorry.”

Eddie shakes his head. “I… love… you… too.” Each word is punctuated by a deep inhale and exhale, like Eddie wants to make sure he’s heard clearly. They sit there for a few minutes in the silence, looking at each other, holding on, and crying. “Buck?” It seems Eddie isn’t done.

“Eddie, really, you have to stop talking. You need to rest. We can do this later.” Buck thinks he’s gotten through to him for a brief few seconds, but then Eddie interrupts the silence with a damning request.

“Kiss me.”

Buck wants nothing more, but, “No.”

“Buck, please.”

“Eddie, not like this. Not with you looking at me like it could be the only time.”

“Buck. Please.”

Buck shakes himself and decides on his last play to hopefully get them both what they want. “Ok. I’ll kiss you.” Eddie smiles and Buck continues. “On one condition.”

“What?”

“You can’t give up. You have to keep fighting. This can’t be the only time I get to kiss you.”

“Ok.”

Buck stands from his seat and slowly hovers over Eddie, lips cenimeters apart, only air between them. “Do you promise?”

“Promise.” Eddie tilts his head up the slightest bit, all he can truly manage with Buck already so close. “Buck, I promise. Please.”

Buck doesn’t crash his lips to Eddie’s. He refuses to let the desperation seep from their words into this action. Instead, he slowly presses their lips together, tentative and sweet. Eddie moves his hand up to the back of Buck’s neck and presses down, just enough for Buck to get the message and deepen the kiss. Buck licks Eddie’s bottom lip and Eddie sighs as he opens up for Buck. He nips at Eddie’s lip before plunging his tongue in to meet Eddie’s. This is the best moment of his life. For a moment, Buck forgets the circumstances that lead them here, content to pour as much love into Eddie as he possibly can. Then Buck thinks maybe can fill Eddie with enough love that the universe wouldn’t dare separate them. They carry on for a moment just like that, tongues and hands wandering, teeth clashing between kisses. Buck is vaguely aware that Eddie’s heart rate is picking up on the monitor, but not enough to make him stop. That is, until he hears the door swing open followed by a gasp and a cleared throat.

Buck breaks away from Eddie, fighting the mortification and satisfaction warring inside him, as he chooses not to look over his shoulder at whichever nurse has interrupted them. He’d much rather look at Eddie’s face anyway. God, Eddie looks perfect. He has a slight blush running from his cheeks down through his neck, the prettiest shade of pink Buck has ever seen. Eddie’s eyes are dark, blown pupils starting to take over the pits of endless toffee Buck loves so much. He’s beautiful. And he’s Buck’s. He loves Buck back. Another ahem brings Buck back to the present just in time to hear the nurse say, “While we can appreciate the need to keep the romance alive, you might want to bring it back down some. Unless you want a nurse to walk in here every time.” Eddie looks past Buck’s shoulder and apologizes for them both. Buck hears her laugh and say as she leaves, “You could also let us know before the need arises. Hang a sock on the door or something. Not that you should be going that far, but any elevation in pulse or vital signs requires us to do a check-in.”

Buck groans and hides his face in Eddie’s neck. Eddie chuckles and threads a hand through Buck’s hair. “I’ll take full responsibility for that one.” He laughs until Buck places a kiss to his neck, figuring he might as well make use of being so close to the bare skin there. Eddie’s breath hitches, and Buck decides to pepper light kisses along the line of Eddie’s neck on his way back up to his mouth. “Buck… you heard what, ah, what she just s-said.”

“Mmm, I don’t actually mind.” Buck raises his head to look Eddie in the eyes, “Unless you do.” Eddie’s eyes go the tiniest bit darker.

“Ok, we’ll definitely be exploring that later.” He tightens his grip in Buck’s hair as he moves to resume his efforts on Eddie’s neck and tugs. A small sound somewhere between a gasp and a whimper escapes Buck. Eddie smirks at the effect the action has on Buck. “But for now, I really just want you to kiss me. And maybe we can try to keep it tame. I really don’t want you getting banned from the hospital today.”

Buck laughs at that, but Eddie’s statement does remind him of the situation they are currently in. He moves one hand to Eddie’s face, gently cupping it, as he leans back down to kiss Eddie. At some point in the syrupy slow make-out session they are having, Buck feels moisture on his cheeks. It takes him a moment to figure out it’s him. He’s crying. When he rips his mouth away from Eddie this time, he rests their foreheads together, just taking in the closeness and sharing breath with his love.

“I love you.” It’s spoken with reverence and conviction from Eddie’s kiss bruised lips. “And that won’t change, no matter what happens. Do you hear me?”

“Yes.” Buck doesn’t have a single doubt that Eddie loves him. He could never doubt the look on Eddie’s face, the tone of his voice, the way his mouth molded and moved around his own. He doesn’t doubt that they’ll make it through this, one way or another. He just isn’t sure he’ll be whole at the end of it. “I love you, too. We’ll be alright.” Buck is aware that he can’t make that promise, but he has to say it. Needs to say it, for both of them.

Buck is not a praying man, but as he takes a seat on the side of Eddie’s bed, still holding onto Eddie’s hand in his, he sends out a silent prayer to everything in the universe that those tests come back with something useful. That they can stop whatever this is before they have to make any harder choices. That they get to spend the rest of their lives together. And that the rest of their lives is a long, long time.

----------

Buck is running down the halls of Cedars-Sinai. He knows he shouldn’t, has been told more than once that it’s a danger to hospital staff and patients. But rules and logic flew out the window the minute he got a call from Eddie saying that the test results were back and he wanted Buck there to hear them. So, Buck is running down the hall, later than he should be thanks to traffic from Chris’ school to the hospital being abysmal, hoping that Dr. Roberts hasn’t gotten impatient and given the news without him present. He doesn’t really stop from the time he’s off the elevator until he’s crashing through the door and beelining for Eddie’s side. Buck lands a quick kiss to Eddie’s lips, grabs his hand, and turns toward the doctor. He doesn’t look happy per se but pleased maybe.

“Mr. Diaz,” Dr. Roberts addresses Eddie but looks between the two of them, “as you know, we got the results of your test results.” Buck holds his breath, whatever this man says next will shape how they move forward. Please, Buck thinks, please be good news. “And I’m happy to report that we know what’s been causing all of this.”

“And, uh, what would that be?” Quiet, timid words slipping from Eddie’s mouth.

“Your vitamin levels were all over the place. We hadn’t tested for it before because it’s a very unusual cause of the types of symptoms you were experiencing. However, we were digging into last resorts and one of our interns asked about vitamin levels, so we ran the tests. As I said, we found that you had several vitamins that were higher than the normal range. We also tested for any unusual minerals or herbs in your system. That same intern had mentioned people turning to alternative medicine and we thought it might be worth a shot. Is there any particular reason we found traces of juniper berries in your bloodstream?”

Buck releases a rough exhale, immediately knowing why that would show on the tests. “The tea.” He looks at Eddie. “Your tea. One of the main ingredients is juniper berries.” Eddie looks a little stunned.

“I, I never really read the label. I just liked the taste.” He looks guilty as he admits that to both the doctor and Buck. “Is that the problem? My tea?”

“Well, that depends. How often do you drink it?”

“Um, every day.”

“I see. For how long?”

“Almost six months, I think.”

“Then yes. I suspect that would be the culprit.”

Eddie sags in relief, blowing out a breath at the same time as he loosens his grip on Buck’s hand. “Oh, thank god. So, how do we fix it?”

“Well, the first step is to slack off on that particular tea. I would recommend not having it at all for the next couple of months, give your body time to recover. After that, you can have it occasionally, but not every day. Juniper berries are a natural diuretic. With such prolonged, daily exposure, your body started becoming dehydrated, leading to the retention we saw when you were admitted this time.”

“So, he won’t need a transplant?” Buck has to ask. He needs to know what they should be prepared for.

Dr. Roberts smiles at him. “No, Mr. Diaz should make a near full recovery in a few weeks as long as he takes the proper medications and steers clear of any diuretics. We’ll be canceling the one ordered yesterday and flushing out your kidneys through other methods. We can discuss your options in more detail later.”

“Does that include caffeine?” Of course Eddie is worried about his coffee now that he knows his life isn’t in danger.

Roberts laughs. “Unfortunately. But I believe a few weeks with none of the usual suspects is worth staying out of the hospital for a while.”

“Right. Of course.” Eddie blushes and he looks so cute. Buck wants nothing more than to kiss him. He can wait until they’re alone though.

“Thank you, doc. I’ll make sure he stays on the right path.” Eddie beams at him, no doubt picturing Buck being even more of a mother hen once they’re home. Buck just smiles back and squeezes Eddie’s hand.

“Glad to hear it, Mr. Buckley. He’s lucky to have a partner that cares so much.” Dr. Roberts leaves them with that statement. Buck is struck with the thought that he probably meant partner in the context of a romantic partner, not a work partner, yesterday. It would also explain why that nurse hadn’t been surprised to see them kissing. He’s Eddie’s emergency contact, has been there more than anyone, and has brought his son back and forth with him. Buck would probably make the same assumption if he saw two people acting similarly.

“I think this good news deserves some celebration.” Eddie wiggles his eyebrows at Buck.

Buck cocks his head to the side. “Yeah, what did you have in mind?” Buck is already leaning down to kiss Eddie as he says it. It doesn’t last long, but it leaves them both breathless just the same. Buck can’t stop thinking about the tea and how he’s partially responsible for what Eddie’s been going through.

“I know that look. What’s wrong?”

Buck is cautious in his answer. “I just feel like it’s kind of my fault you’re here again. I mean, I’m the one who reordered the tea for you. And I snuck some in the other day.”

“Buck, stop it. You aren’t any more to blame than I am. You were being a good friend and making sure I had something I liked as soon as possible. Both times. Neither of us knew it could cause all this.” Eddie brings their joined hands to his lips, brushing across Buck’s knuckles gently. “Baby, please don’t blame yourself.”

A shiver runs through Buck at the pet name. “Yeah, ok. We should focus on the positive anyway. Chris is gonna be thrilled.”

“You’re bringing him here from school, right?”

“You know he would kill us both if I did any different.”

“I can’t wait to tell him. I know he’s been worried about it.”

Buck debates telling Eddie just how worried Chris has been about losing him, but decides now isn’t the time. Instead, he settles on, “Yeah, he hasn’t been trying to hide it too much at home.”

“Thank god for that. I never want him to think he has to push anything down or repress.”

“I know. So does he. You’ve done a really great job modeling that for him.”

“So have you, ya know.” Buck ducks his head while biting his lip, a nervous tick he’s aware of but has no chance of stopping.

“Yeah, alright. He’s seen us both cry and lose it enough by now to know that men have emotions.”

“We’ve raised a good kid so far, huh?” Eddie’s use of we shoots through Buck, an electric shock spreading from his scalp to his toes. He can’t manage a verbal answer, so he kisses Eddie again. Until thinking about yesterday and everything said makes him giggle. “What are you laughing about?”

“Nothing. I’m just,” Buck shakes his head at Eddie, “thinking about how dramatic yesterday seems now that we know you aren’t dying.”

That sends Eddie into a fit of laughter too. Once they’ve both calmed down a bit, he’s able to make a comment on the topic as well. “It was a tad dramatic, but I think necessary. We’ll just have to work on communicating our feelings to each other outside of one of us being in mortal danger.”

“Mmm, shouldn’t be a problem now that we’ve gotten the big conversation out of the way.”

Eddie tugs on Buck’s hand. “Will you lay with me for a while? You don’t have anything to do today right?”

“Nothing as important as you for sure.”

“Oh no. You’re gonna be such a sap aren’t you?”

“Yes, I am. And I’m not putting it past you either. You forget I know which telenovelas are your favorite.” Eddie laughs at that. “Don’t think we’re skipping out on any of the other steps just because we already confessed our undying love. I’m expecting to be wooed, Eddie.”

“I think I can handle that. As long as you’re willing to wait for me.”

“Always.” Buck can see the recognition in Eddie’s eyes at the word. He remembers saying it that day when he collapsed and Buck asked him to stay. He lies down and allows Eddie to wrap himself around Buck. For the first time in weeks, Buck’s breath comes easy, steady, matching Eddie’s. He sends a silent thanks to the universe for answering his prayers. Buck drifts in and out of consciousness with Eddie, both of them stealing kisses occasionally. There are still uncertainties and choices to be made, but right now, this is enough. Right now, Buck is content and loved and he loves. And that’s more than he thought he could ever really have. So, yeah, being in the now, the present, is more than enough for Buck.